Tuesday, February 07, 2012
And if you are trying to imagine my svelte 320 pound frame being wrapped in spandex and body glitter.... please don't. Some things are best left alone :)
So, a little update on where I am at. As some of you may now I have been obese since I was 7 and, like most kids, suffered mental and physical abuse because of it all the way through to the end of my school years. Not abuse from parents or anything but just the savage daily onslaught of kids and teenagers who can be as vicious as anyone I know.
Once I was in the workforce it of course stopped but that kid inside relived it every day, in every situation and I was locked in to being wary, always having barriers up and isolating myself from EVERYONE, including friends and family. Over the years I ave become an expert and even managed to end up working half way around the world which was my crowning achievement in a life time of avoiding friend and family so I did not have to "be OK" all the time because I hardly ever saw them anymore.
Countless weight loss attempts have resulted in consistent failure. Each attempt lasted less time, lost less weight and just underlined my subconcious belief that when it came to losing weight I would fail.
I always picked high pressure long hours jobs - these gave me some sort of "pat on the head" for a job well done and meant I could continue to isolate myself from ... myself because my job took all my mental and emotional energy.
After 18 months of now working from home for myself and being in a low pressure environment I wasn't getting the same adrenaline rush and I didn't have a boss to tell me how hard I was working and how great that was. In that time I struggled to not gain weight but in the last 6 months I have gained around 25 kilos, 55 pounds. 55 POUNDS!
My strategies of avoiding myself and not thinking about how crap I felt were not working. Coming back to Australia but choosing to live 2500 miles from any friends or family fulfilled my need to isolate but things were starting to come unstuck.
This explains my ongong every month or so starting again on Spark saying THIS time I will stay without ever really being committed.
So I had to take a different path - keep doing what you're doing, keep getting what you got, right? So I have started therapy and was lucky enough to find someone who I clicked with straight away. Yes its expensive and I can't REALLY afford it but it is making such a difference.
In the last week have I had the first real emotion about myself in, I think, maybe 5 or 6 years, instead of just numbing it with food and avoiding myself by endless hours of TV. When those advertisements come on and theres a chance I may start to think about my situation channel surfing kept it at bay. God forbid I should face how I feel!
But I am now letting myself feel the anger and hurt and hopelessness that I have stuffed down with food and you know what?
It's actually OK to feel it: and start to work through it. I even am starting to feel a glimmer of hope that life is NOT over and there may actually still be some good stuff to enjoy!
Its very early days but ... I have picked a different way to address my weight issues finally and it feels like I am starting to get some hope back instead of just doggedly trying to lose wirght with no real motivation to do it.
I am now at Day 3 (after 4 previously failed attempts ending by mid Day 2) of a Juice Reboot. Its even been given a tick of approval by The Doctors (that medical show) and is gaining momentum around the world. Here's the website if you want to have a look - like Spark its free and theres also the usual supporting social stuff like Facebook
This is NOT a fad and is not meant to replace Sparkpeople at all but is meant to reboot your body and give you a solid platform to start from.
And why am I the worlds oldest cheerleader?
On Day 1 of my 4th or 5th aattempt at the Juice Reboot a mantra kind of fell into my head..."Be aggressive, be be AGGRESSIVE!". The perfect antidote to my usual wimp out of "Its OK, I can start again tomorrow...or the next day...or next week...".
Gritting my teeth and yelling it in my head stops me mid stream when ever I think of junk and just completely rediverts my attention to what I am trying to do and achieve.
Today I started to wonder where the hell it came from and after googling it seems that I have watched some teen age cheerleader movie where it was the core cheer LMAO
The things that get stuck in our heads
So. For my Sparkfriends who have been watching as I have rollercoasted around trying to get my crap together... I think its finally happening.
I feel motivated but in a different way. Instead of telling myself if I don't lose weight I will die, or until I lose weight I am not worth anything or any of those other negative head thoughts I now am starting to feel differently.
I want to lose weight because I think there maybe a somewhat awesome guy, and kid who got left behind, who are still in there and its about time they got to ENJOY life instead of just suffering through it.
Phew.... if you read that whole thing you deserve a medal
So I feel excited. And I FEEL that instead of just saying it! And, no more long, emotional explanations. Its time we had fun around here!
But no spandex or body glitter - I promise!
P.S> The more I think about it, whilst I SAY aggressive in my head the feeling is more about being assertive and in control, not angry aggression if that makes sense? Yelling "Be assertive!" in my head doesn't quite have the same power to it lol