Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A very good spark friend made me realise that each "funny" blog I wrote became more and more depressing in its own way.
I thought I was being self deprecating.
I was depressed.
I am 50 years and 1 day today. 50 YEARS OLD! When I was 14 I remember thinking 18 was just so far away I couldn't even IMAGINE what that could be like. And the same when I was 18 thinking about 30. And 30 thinking about 50.
And somewhere in there the growing up decelerates and you realise you are being given a gift.
You have less growing up to do and more knowing yourself to do. The world is an amazing place but apparently the OTHER world inside you is equally as daunting, magnificent and scary as the moons of Jupiter or Star C174 Gamma 6 (pardon my nerd).
I read somewhere that we are are born with a mask. Our mask to the world. The one that will help us, guide us and let us show who we are.
As time stretches and bends and days get shorter and more things crowd our hours we develop a new mask.
This is the "me" that we want the world to see. Confident, successful, in control, being punctual for appointments, arriving as school lets out, having the best baked goods or the cutest kids, talking about gym (as though we actually go), discussing the latest car or what floor covering we are planning before Christmas.
The rest of the wold has put on their mask so to deal with it we must as well.
And we spend most of our lives reconciling the mask we had at birth and the mask we developed through our life.
We struggle to be who we REALLY are while we struggle to be who we want to be to others.
This has WHAT exactly to do with losing weight?
My mask has allowed me to ignore the EXTRA weight that got me from obese to morbidly obese. My mask has told me its OK to stay indoors, its OK to be watch TV all day and eat dinner twice and dessert twice, its the mask that stopped me being able to feel what "full" actually is and hide behind uncomfortable as I had one more snack.
As each little thing I could not do physically slid by, my mask would not allow me to put them together but forced me to separate them so each part never made a horrific whole. Its OK - when you get back on track it will all get better. Some day. Some day. Some day.
My mask gave me an excuse slip for going for a walk (ankles hurt), for running upstairs (hmmm short of breath), for cleaning up the pizza boxes and chinese leftovers (it will still be there, just relax), sit back, why shower today (not like you smell), watch the news (your being intellectual by doing that you know), one day, not today, one day......
Although it could ALWAYS get me out , dress myself in clothes that bulge and in the car to buy more junk food. Is there a pattern here...?
SCREW that mask that limits me, makes me shrink each day and is killing me cell by cell, that lazy, uncaring, obese, angry mask I had.
I claim a new me and a new future.
Time to realise who I am, the gifts I have yet to give to people and who I was meant to be...I have greatness inside me and I want to get that out and have it change the world around me before I go.
I just want to be...the me I was always MEANT to be!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I am sure many of you are like who I was.
You get to a point where you think "I can not stand this any longer, I HAVE to do something about this spare tire or 3".
You get motivated, you start your diet, you work out and away you go. And sure you may not lose anything or you may end up stopping BUT in the back of your head you know that that motivation or spark will re-emerge when you get to THAT point again and you will have the courage and motivation to try again and maybe THIS time WILL be the time that it works.
I have always been one to go through those phases. I gain more than I should, I go on a diet and exercise routine, I lose some, it creeps back, I get motivated again...you know the cycle.
Since August last year I have been waiting for that next internal kick in the pants to get me going. I was working from home, I had lots of time, I was well setup, PERFECT opportunity to get my health sorted.
And I waited for the motivation to come, for the passion to reignite. And I ate.
And I waited...and ate
Aaaaand I waited. Aaaaand I ATE.
And sure I tried Spark and I tried juicing BUT my heart was never REALLy in it. I did it because I had to. My mojo was just not there.
I'm depressed. Clinically depressed. I thought I was just going through a blah stage or just feeling flat but I now have NO doubt thats the problem.
How could I be depressed. Potentially things should be really good. So I can't be depressed, I must just be down and soon I will pick myself up and take advantage of the things in front of me.
And I waited...and ate...and waited....and ate..and wrote a few blogs where people suggested I was depressed and I paid not much notice as I still expected things to fall into place and to feel that passion for life again.
And I waited...and ate...and waited...and ATE!
And nearly 18 months later nothing except an extra 30 ... yes 30 KILOS! (more than 60 pounds).
I find everything, even getting off the lounge, a struggle.
2 years ago the thought that I may end up stuck in bed because I was so overweight seemed ridiculous.
As my ankles and feet swell and ache, as each step find a new niggling pain, as I get breathless from a set of stairs I am starting to see its not only possible but very likely in 2 years.
I don't WANT to do something, I don't FEEL like doing something but somewhere back there I know I HAVE to do something more than just diet so I have my first very long therapists appt tomorrow to start to address what ever is going on in my head.
And my doctor has me starting with an exercise physiologist next week.
SO...here I am. With absolutely no desire to do these things but an absolute knowledge I must and have to. I have to FORCE myself to take every step to the car, and into the therapist and I already feel as though I will be a crying blubbering mess when she asks "So, tell me , how are you feeling".
It will NOT be pretty lol.
Wish me luck and if I am back here in the next week or 2 it will be a VERY good sign.
Thankyou ALL for checking in and caring - it means a lot to a guy who has cut himself off from everyone else in his life.
And hopefully that will be the last god damn depressing sentence I will have to write here! Grrr!!!!
See you soon
Thursday, October 27, 2011
After a couple of attempts I started my juice fast 3 days ago.
Whilst a few people have pooh poohed the idea once I explain that by drinking fruit and veg juice you are more easily absorbing micronutrients which are the primary way in which our body heals and builds itself the light seemed to go on for some:)
I stick with juicing my favourite for the first few times - apple, beet, celery, carrot and ginger - because juicing stuff like spinach and chard and sweet potato just was NOT that appealing.
Decided to try Green Lemonade (Green Apple, Spinach, Kale, Cucumber, Celery and Lemon) and was convinced it would taste like grass BUT we have to drink a rainbow of colours so I had the first sip and... it was awesome :)
Haven't given away my i cup of coffee in the morning yet but that too will go soon as will the smoking (which is losing its appeal hourly).
Day 3 and the theory is that I should start to get headaches and feel lethargic as the toxins start to be released from my cell sin in creasing amounts but - feeling great and less depressed than I have in a long time.
Of course the neighbours BBQ last night had me question whether I could juice ribs!
Having around 5 juices a day and plenty of water - the occasional hunger pangs are fading which is great but WOW do you notice how many food ads there are for Maccas, KFC and a host of garbage food outlets.
I saw a an interview a few nights ago with a scientist who is study the effects of junk food from an addiction perspective. Not only do manufacturers target fats, sugar and salts (exactly what we as cave men looked for in food to keep us going in lean times) to make their food more appealing and addictive to us they also use trans fats to alter the "mouth feel" of foods to even make them feel good in our mouths.
And we wonder why we have a hard time putting down those fries!
Its clear that fast food manufacturers, along with mass produced food manufacturers who for example spout "This food is 100% fat free" whilst loading it up with sugar to keep us hooked, need to be more closely monitored.
Obesity and related illnesses are effacting 70,000,000 Americans at the moment - how can something NOT be done about junk food peddlers?
In relation to protein green vegetables tend to have the highest amounts esp. spinach and similar hence the need to have a rainbow of vegetables. Obviously this is not a lifestyle change but more of a "reboot" so a short time away from more dense proteins like meat is fine.
And here is breakfast ( before juicing:)
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