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How to find...real.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A very good spark friend made me realise that each "funny" blog I wrote became more and more depressing in its own way.

I thought I was being self deprecating.

I was depressed.

I am 50 years and 1 day today. 50 YEARS OLD! When I was 14 I remember thinking 18 was just so far away I couldn't even IMAGINE what that could be like. And the same when I was 18 thinking about 30. And 30 thinking about 50.

And somewhere in there the growing up decelerates and you realise you are being given a gift.

You have less growing up to do and more knowing yourself to do. The world is an amazing place but apparently the OTHER world inside you is equally as daunting, magnificent and scary as the moons of Jupiter or Star C174 Gamma 6 (pardon my nerd).

I read somewhere that we are are born with a mask. Our mask to the world. The one that will help us, guide us and let us show who we are.

As time stretches and bends and days get shorter and more things crowd our hours we develop a new mask.

This is the "me" that we want the world to see. Confident, successful, in control, being punctual for appointments, arriving as school lets out, having the best baked goods or the cutest kids, talking about gym (as though we actually go), discussing the latest car or what floor covering we are planning before Christmas.

The rest of the wold has put on their mask so to deal with it we must as well.

And we spend most of our lives reconciling the mask we had at birth and the mask we developed through our life.

We struggle to be who we REALLY are while we struggle to be who we want to be to others.


This has WHAT exactly to do with losing weight?

My mask has allowed me to ignore the EXTRA weight that got me from obese to morbidly obese. My mask has told me its OK to stay indoors, its OK to be watch TV all day and eat dinner twice and dessert twice, its the mask that stopped me being able to feel what "full" actually is and hide behind uncomfortable as I had one more snack.

As each little thing I could not do physically slid by, my mask would not allow me to put them together but forced me to separate them so each part never made a horrific whole. Its OK - when you get back on track it will all get better. Some day. Some day. Some day.

My mask gave me an excuse slip for going for a walk (ankles hurt), for running upstairs (hmmm short of breath), for cleaning up the pizza boxes and chinese leftovers (it will still be there, just relax), sit back, why shower today (not like you smell), watch the news (your being intellectual by doing that you know), one day, not today, one day......

Although it could ALWAYS get me out , dress myself in clothes that bulge and in the car to buy more junk food. Is there a pattern here...?


SCREW that mask that limits me, makes me shrink each day and is killing me cell by cell, that lazy, uncaring, obese, angry mask I had.

I claim a new me and a new future.

Time to realise who I am, the gifts I have yet to give to people and who I was meant to be...I have greatness inside me and I want to get that out and have it change the world around me before I go.

I just want to be...the me I was always MEANT to be!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BACKATITAMY 12/13/2011 10:15AM

  Congrat's on coming out from behind your mask. Your blog is so true, so real. We do all wear masks in order to "pass" through this life as easily as possible. Kind of makes you think what would this world be like if we all revealed who we really are? The truth has been known to set people free. Hope it works for you too.

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JEAN111766 12/13/2011 9:46AM

    I totally understand and can relate to the masks. I wear many... depends on where I am or who I am with. Nice thing about SparkPeople is that I can take all masks off and just be myself.
How did your therapy go? What suggestions did they have for you?
I've been thinking 'bout you... sounds like you have been doing some soul searching.
Not sure if you are a praying kind of person, but I know my faith definitely helps me deal with the daily life challenges... that along with a good work out ;)
Keep in touch with us my friend... and thanks so much for your comment on my page... I really miss hearing from you when you are not on line ;)

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LEARNING2LUVME 12/13/2011 9:27AM

    Thank you. It's like I wrote this blog. Everything you said I can relate to. We'll do this together.

Happy birthday!!!

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ERIN4771 12/13/2011 8:58AM

    excellent blog, and so on point! it's amazing, when i was a kid, i figured all the grown ups had all the answers, that at some magical age, all the wisdom came with it, so i thought everyone was secure, confident etc....amazing that at the age of 40, i am still trying to figure so many things out emoticon....have to say though, the mask i wore in my 20's is definitely not the same one i wear now.....have a great day!!

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REEKU731 12/13/2011 8:48AM

    Great blog! I think a lot of people can relate to the way you feel! Enjoy living in the moment and happy belated birthday!


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CRAUDI 12/13/2011 8:14AM

    Yes! I'm so so ready to see you reveal the real David! :) You have so much potential! I can't wait!

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WENDYJM4 12/13/2011 6:45AM

    great insightful blog. I think we all feel like that sometimes. Welcome to the future, David. emoticon Stay with us so that we can support you.
take care of yourself

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When your groove is gone and your spark is extinguished.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I am sure many of you are like who I was.

You get to a point where you think "I can not stand this any longer, I HAVE to do something about this spare tire or 3".

You get motivated, you start your diet, you work out and away you go. And sure you may not lose anything or you may end up stopping BUT in the back of your head you know that that motivation or spark will re-emerge when you get to THAT point again and you will have the courage and motivation to try again and maybe THIS time WILL be the time that it works.

I have always been one to go through those phases. I gain more than I should, I go on a diet and exercise routine, I lose some, it creeps back, I get motivated again...you know the cycle.

Since August last year I have been waiting for that next internal kick in the pants to get me going. I was working from home, I had lots of time, I was well setup, PERFECT opportunity to get my health sorted.

And I waited for the motivation to come, for the passion to reignite. And I ate.

And I waited...and ate

Aaaaand I waited. Aaaaand I ATE.

And sure I tried Spark and I tried juicing BUT my heart was never REALLy in it. I did it because I had to. My mojo was just not there.

I'm depressed. Clinically depressed. I thought I was just going through a blah stage or just feeling flat but I now have NO doubt thats the problem.

How could I be depressed. Potentially things should be really good. So I can't be depressed, I must just be down and soon I will pick myself up and take advantage of the things in front of me.

And I waited...and ate...and waited....and ate..and wrote a few blogs where people suggested I was depressed and I paid not much notice as I still expected things to fall into place and to feel that passion for life again.

And I waited...and ate...and waited...and ATE!

And nearly 18 months later nothing except an extra 30 ... yes 30 KILOS! (more than 60 pounds).

I find everything, even getting off the lounge, a struggle.

2 years ago the thought that I may end up stuck in bed because I was so overweight seemed ridiculous.

As my ankles and feet swell and ache, as each step find a new niggling pain, as I get breathless from a set of stairs I am starting to see its not only possible but very likely in 2 years.

I don't WANT to do something, I don't FEEL like doing something but somewhere back there I know I HAVE to do something more than just diet so I have my first very long therapists appt tomorrow to start to address what ever is going on in my head.

And my doctor has me starting with an exercise physiologist next week.

SO...here I am. With absolutely no desire to do these things but an absolute knowledge I must and have to. I have to FORCE myself to take every step to the car, and into the therapist and I already feel as though I will be a crying blubbering mess when she asks "So, tell me , how are you feeling".

It will NOT be pretty lol. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Wish me luck and if I am back here in the next week or 2 it will be a VERY good sign.

Thankyou ALL for checking in and caring - it means a lot to a guy who has cut himself off from everyone else in his life.

And hopefully that will be the last god damn depressing sentence I will have to write here! Grrr!!!!

See you soon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMYB1985 12/7/2011 9:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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AMYB1985 12/7/2011 9:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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WENDYJM4 11/24/2011 5:13AM

    I am so sorry you feel this way David, it is going to be a struggle for you. Don't worry about being a blubbering wreck, they are trained to cope with that. Take all the help you can. Get well my friend. I am here if you need to talk. Let me know if you want my home email address. Take care of yourself Savid.

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REALLYHOPIN 11/23/2011 5:02PM

    I feel ya hon...

I'm back at it again (along with every ounce I had lost and have found again)...and probably right there with you on the depression thing too, just without the funding for a medical diagnosis...

no grand gestures or attempts to heal all the other overweight people with me this time... I'm counting my blessings that I can do this for ME...

and speaking of counting your blessings... try it for yourself... believe it or not, you do have a lot to be thankful for...

Be good to yourself,


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TABBYARTS 11/23/2011 4:39PM

    "There is no TRY Luke. DO" Yoda
Look in the mirror and search for that lovable guy that you have been smothering! Take sticky-notes all over the house that say
Exercise for ten minutes a day. Or take a walk at least.
We all go through this stage. PUSH!
Give yourself a Spark Goodie every time you do ten minutes!

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JEAN111766 11/23/2011 11:59AM

    Hey Spark Friend,

I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are getting some help now. We have had a lot of chats over this past year and like I said in one of my first posts, it is because of you that I kept blogging and replying... you were the first person to comment on my first post. :)
I need your support as much as you need ours... so please keep checking in daily with us to keep us posted.
Your Spark is not out, it is in there... you just need to give it the right fuel ;)


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BACKATITAMY 11/23/2011 10:32AM

  So sorry to hear that you are having a rough time David but I hope that the help you are getting is exactly what you need. Good luck to you and I look forward to hearing your updates when your ready.


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CRAUDI 11/23/2011 8:31AM

    Even though it's a huge struggle, I'm so so glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself. We'll be thinking about you. Please check back in. :) emoticon

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SARALEIGHM 11/23/2011 8:04AM

    You're taking a very important first step, and you're right, it won't be pretty. But it WILL get better if you stick with it. And like Nancy said, start with small, achievable goals. Ten minutes a day may be the boost you need to get more active. Don't let yourself get stuck.

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TENNISJIM 11/23/2011 7:33AM

    I had wondered what had happened to you. I hope you will overcome your depression and I hope you get your mojo back so you can live the life you want to live. You can do it!

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MRE1956 11/23/2011 6:41AM

    I'm feeling the same way, myself - I wish you all the best!

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MINANCY 11/23/2011 5:25AM

    Years ago I took the Dale Carnegie Course. One of the lessons from the course that stuck with me is this: Most people think thought comes before action [such as your waiting to 'feel' like exercising] but that if you act first, the feeling will follow action. Try it! Like NEVERMIND2010 says, "fake it". It really works.

Also, in the Spark Book he explains the thinking behind the 10 minute daily challenge. Picking an easily obtainable daily exercise goal builds confidence. I was able to pick up the book at our local library.

Good luck to you. Stay strong.

Comment edited on: 11/23/2011 5:26:49 AM

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DUTCHPETE641 11/23/2011 4:13AM

    So sorry that you have to go through this mate.
Can't imagine what it is like for you.

You know that you have people on Spark that you can talk to.

Take care and a big hug.



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NEVERMIND2010 11/23/2011 4:10AM

    My friend, I feel for you. I wish you were still over here; I would call you 20 times a day to remind you why YOU are important, and why doing good things FOR YOU is so important. I'm glad you're getting help.

I have one piece of advice. It has helped me a lot.

You don't have to LIKE it (exercise, eating right, seeing a doctor, etc...); you just have to DO it.

Fake it 'til you make it, baby!

Take care and keep checking in on SP, okay?

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The wonderful world of juicing - good and bad

Thursday, October 27, 2011

After a couple of attempts I started my juice fast 3 days ago.

Whilst a few people have pooh poohed the idea once I explain that by drinking fruit and veg juice you are more easily absorbing micronutrients which are the primary way in which our body heals and builds itself the light seemed to go on for some:)

I stick with juicing my favourite for the first few times - apple, beet, celery, carrot and ginger - because juicing stuff like spinach and chard and sweet potato just was NOT that appealing.

Decided to try Green Lemonade (Green Apple, Spinach, Kale, Cucumber, Celery and Lemon) and was convinced it would taste like grass BUT we have to drink a rainbow of colours so I had the first sip and... it was awesome :)

Haven't given away my i cup of coffee in the morning yet but that too will go soon as will the smoking (which is losing its appeal hourly).

Day 3 and the theory is that I should start to get headaches and feel lethargic as the toxins start to be released from my cell sin in creasing amounts but - feeling great and less depressed than I have in a long time.

Of course the neighbours BBQ last night had me question whether I could juice ribs!

Having around 5 juices a day and plenty of water - the occasional hunger pangs are fading which is great but WOW do you notice how many food ads there are for Maccas, KFC and a host of garbage food outlets.

I saw a an interview a few nights ago with a scientist who is study the effects of junk food from an addiction perspective. Not only do manufacturers target fats, sugar and salts (exactly what we as cave men looked for in food to keep us going in lean times) to make their food more appealing and addictive to us they also use trans fats to alter the "mouth feel" of foods to even make them feel good in our mouths.

And we wonder why we have a hard time putting down those fries!

Its clear that fast food manufacturers, along with mass produced food manufacturers who for example spout "This food is 100% fat free" whilst loading it up with sugar to keep us hooked, need to be more closely monitored.

Obesity and related illnesses are effacting 70,000,000 Americans at the moment - how can something NOT be done about junk food peddlers?

Rant finished emoticon

In relation to protein green vegetables tend to have the highest amounts esp. spinach and similar hence the need to have a rainbow of vegetables. Obviously this is not a lifestyle change but more of a "reboot" so a short time away from more dense proteins like meat is fine.

Spark on!

And here is breakfast ( before juicing:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEANAQAH 10/29/2011 1:26PM

    Hi David! Nice to see you again emoticon I have been drinking green smoothies on and off but what keeps me from making them consistently is my laziness in washing and cutting up everything emoticon On my wishlist is a Vitamix.

I wish you the best!

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BACKATITAMY 10/28/2011 2:47PM

  What a coincidence this is. I recently watched a documentary titled, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead!" on HULU.com and I learned the story of Joe Cook. I looked up his website for the reboot your life program and ordered my Brevelle machine this week. My husband and I are going to begin out "reboot" on Sunday. I'm hoping that it works for us. I have seriously slacked off since mid summer and would love to have those cravings for fruits and veggies again. Good luck to you on your fast. We are going to give it a good 30 days at first, at least that's what we are hoping for. Cheers and enjoy!

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JEAN111766 10/28/2011 12:50PM

    You definitely sound more upbeat than you have in a very long time! I am so glad to see you making a strong effort to "re-boot" your system. I am trying real hard to stay focused and positive despite all the challenges I have been dealing with over the past 3 weeks... check out my previous blogs since the beginning of October. I am going to set up some small realistic obtainable goals for myself. I am thinking about a 10% goal and a committment to the Zumba for Wii that I just bought for myself. I'll keep you posted. Please keep me posted as well on how you are doing with the juice fast. I really hope it works for you.


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WENDYJM4 10/27/2011 11:02PM

    great info, I could not do it LOL. Just be careful and good luck with it. It could be the jump-start your body needs to lose more weight. Let us know how you are going on it.

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MARGARETW36 10/27/2011 4:53PM

    This is great information. Where did the juicing idea come from? Do you have more info to share with others on how to start?

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I have to lose 65 pounds a week to reach my goal!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just shows how long its been since I revisited my goals - I put in my current weight just so I could track where I now am and Spark told me I had to lose 65 lbs a week to reach my goal weight by November 1st, 2011.

Hmmm - seems like I have not been watching that one lol.

So - day 1 of what I plan to be a 60 day fruit and vegetable juice fast. This started with me watching the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly and I could identify so well with the guy who decided to reboot his body.

I went to have a full raft of blood tests this morning so I could see where I started.

Just so I have them "on file" thought I would list through the things I am trying to doing something about by doing this juice fast (starting from feet up) - some of this maybe TMI so you have been warned:

-Swollen feet
-Aching Heels and Ankles
-Sweaty crotch - being so overweight and its being summer I have continuously sweaty grown area
-Aching thigh muscles (I suspect that from having to lift me basically)
- A rash that used to come and go on one finger which has now spread down my right arm
- 50 cigs a day (yes - after 2 months of being off I started again! BUT knowing I CAN actually quit has given me great confidence that the juice fast will trigger this again)
- Thinking tends to be a little murky some days
- Increased headaches recently
- Very bad sleeping patterns and wake up every few hours - part of sleep apnea I think
- By 2:00 in the afternoon I am so tireed I fall asleep on the lounge
- No exercise at all

Wow - I sound like an utter mess - wanna date me?!

So - heres to the start of something big...to get to something much smaller

Spark on!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYJM4 10/27/2011 11:00PM

    good luck David, I don't know about the 60 days though, seems a bit harsh. Although I can relate to most of your problems baring no 4. LOL. Just be careful

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JULIETEXAS 10/22/2011 11:55PM

    emoticon Keep us posted!

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DUTCHPETE641 10/20/2011 12:13PM

    I am glad that you are trying again mate, welcome back!!


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PILLOWFOOL 10/20/2011 9:10AM

    you can do it! (I'm looking into this reboot thing, mostly just out of curiosity as I know I don't have the willpower to do it myself) looking forward to seeing your progress!

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CRAUDI 10/20/2011 8:37AM

    Uhh...for some reason I don't think some people that commented understood that you're not expecting to lose 65 pounds in a week. Haha! You'd have to cut off your legs or something!

Good luck. Be safe and smart. Keep in touch with your doc (who did give you the go ahead as I read in your last post). And keep us updated. :)

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TENNISJIM 10/20/2011 7:26AM

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know you can reach your goals. You quit smoking for two months. So, it's in you to succeed. emoticon

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THENAMESLISA 10/19/2011 10:43PM

    Something apparently went wrong in the calculation department! You'd best start seriously tapering down those cig numbers. YOU CAN DO IT!!

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KLS777 10/19/2011 9:03PM

    Wow, I watched that clip on the fat, sick and nearly dead, you have me interested, I am just browsing there website now! Very similar to Gerson therapy idea. Where can you get the whole episode from? I might be interested in joining you on this!

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FATHINSN 10/19/2011 8:47PM

    Good luck with losing your weight but don't try that much in 1 week, might be dangerous for your health and usually when we lose lots of pounds quickly, then somehow we easily gain back the losses and might be more!

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GOOSIEMOON 10/19/2011 8:08PM

    You CAN do this, but maybe not that quickly. emoticon

You will feel better when you start to make promises to yourself and keep them. This helps build your confidence and more better habits.

Know that you're worth the effort.

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METTA4ME 10/19/2011 7:53PM

    Step back for a moment: you said you wake up constantly and believe it is sleep apnea. This is serious and you need to go for the overnight testing. Rash? Have you asked your doctor what it is? Have you told your doctor of your decision to go on a fruit and vegetable fast for two months? Does your doctor approve? You will be getting little protein and fat and that is not healthy. Please talk to your doctor before doing this, and if you insist on it, start with a couple of days. Then gradually build over time. People have died doing that. Reconsider, please. emoticon

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OFF938 10/19/2011 7:49PM

    I am so proud of you for starting again. The only failure is experienced by those who refuse to take that first step - as many times as it takes! You know that you are not alone - most of us are restarters from way back!

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NCSUE0514 10/19/2011 7:45PM

    Uh... Maybe you should scale down your goals?
I'll be satisfied with losing 50 pounds in 1 year, counted beginning August 6, 2011. So far only 31 to go!
Good luck, seriously. You CAN achieve (reasonable) goals!!!!!

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Fat, sick and nearly dead

Monday, October 17, 2011

I watched a documentary a few days with the title Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

Considering it seemed to be prophesizing my future I thought it was definitely worth a look.

It was the story of an Australian guy in his 40's who had a chronic skin disease and many other problems who was taking multiple medications a day, was severely overweight and extremely unhappy with how he was physically. And he was a stock trader - it was like I was watching a movie about myself :)

After looking at what he could do to sort himself he decided to reboot - a computer term which basically mean turn off everything and restart the system by doing a 60 day juice fast.

I have done a 10 and 21 day water fast previously so I am not unfamiliar with the concept and have decided that a juice fast could be the kick start that I need.

After consulting my doctor who said it would be fine I just needed to come in for blood tests occassionally I have decided to go for it.

I start tomorrow and will keep you updated on my progress - the website is www.jointhereboot.com if you are interested.

Once I have finished this I then plan to continue on a very healthy eating pattern and remove the rest of the weight with the help of my sparkers!

I am excited about this - which is not something I have felt for a long time:)

Spark on emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DUTCHPETE641 10/18/2011 4:05AM

    Good luck with this mate, keep us posted how you get on!

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NEVERMIND2010 10/18/2011 2:10AM

    Sounds like a plan. We're cheering you on here!

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DUBAIGIRL 10/18/2011 1:09AM

    woohoo and you're back in the game!! emoticon emoticon while I couldn't do a jucie fast in a million years I'm excited to support you and see how you get on emoticon

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DIFROMWYOMING 10/17/2011 9:09PM

    Wishing you the best!

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THENAMESLISA 10/17/2011 7:57PM

    Give it a go!

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WENDYJM4 10/17/2011 7:17PM

    good luck David. Hope all goes well for you.

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TRISH579 10/17/2011 4:53PM

    David, that is great news! Good lick and keep us posted.

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CRAUDI 10/17/2011 3:55PM

    Good luck! Keep us updated. And I'm glad you got the go from your doc first. :)

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