Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Its been about 5 months since I last really cared about losing weight - not that my efforts had been stellar since joining SP but it was at least kept in the front of my brain while I remained consistent with sparking.
In that time I have gained 15 kilos and am now 12 kilos heavier that my heaviest weight EVER in my life.
This happened while I was busy distracting myself with ANYTHING apart from thinking about why I am overweight and why the weight was piling on.
It makes me really sad to look in the mirror, to try on my fat clothes and not be able to do up the buttons, to become more housebound because I hate how I look and am embarrassed for people to see me, to have to figure out how I can find an excuse get out of having a birthday celebration or Christmas with my family because my weight disgusts me so much.
I am experiencing physical symptoms I have never had before - the backs of my ankles ache, I have skin conditions flaring up, I can not scale a set of stairs without being puffed at the top, my skin around my stomach actually feels uncomfortably tight from the rapid eight gain in the past 3 months especially, my feet are swelling easily, my joints ache for no reason.
I have spent months doing anything I can not to think about whats happening to me - I spend all my time either on-line or in front of the TV.
Reading is out as an activity - it is not mindless enough and may allow y mind to wander and focus on the problems that I do not want to deal with. I spent $1500 on a camera and lenses convincing myself that photography would be a good distraction - I used it for a day and found being out and doing it was not enough of a distraction so its sat in its bag for a month.
Just being alone with myself and my thoughts is too confronting to handle.
Whenever the hard thoughts start to appear I run from them - even ad breaks in TV programmes I am watching threaten to allow my mind to wander to reflecting on my current situation so I have to change channels, find something ANYTHING to distract me.
I have been spending much of my time on the lounge watching downloaded series of TV shows (no ad breaks so much easier to tune out from myself) while I fill myself with junk food so I can get to the point of food coma.
At the moment an average days intake would be:
1 x bowl Sultana Bran
3 pieces of grilled grilled cheese and tomato
3 x meat pies (pies here are the small kind not the big kind)
200 gm chocolate bar
Combine this with no exercise and its understandable why I have managed to gain so rapidly - I suspect my metabolism is bottoming out whih would explain why i can fall asleep so easily during times when I am crashed on the lounge.
In the past eventually motivation would appear just from my head being sick to death of being bored and lazy and finally deciding SOMETHING was better than the nothing I find so comfortable to settle into.
I am nearly 50 and I am filled with sadness. My childhood was filled with taunts and bullying and working in my Mum's shop.
My teens were filled with taunts and bullying and trying to grapple with all of that and being gay and being a teenager and being fat and unattractive.
My 20's, 30's and 40's were filled with taunts and bullying from my own head - the cruel kids and teenagers that defined my youth had taught me well - my self loathing kicked in just as they disappeared.
Work was a great distraction and defined me as a person - a nod or praise from peers or my managers propelled me into a work obsession that allowed me to ignore myself, find endless excuses to not be with family or friends and feel worthless.
Heck it even got me to Dubai for 4 years - the ultimate hiding place from others and a job that demanded 24/7 of me so I could hide from myself.
And then I gave up traditional work and decided to trade currencies by mmyself. This meant I could be up 24/7 watching markets go up and down and distract myself from me.
Thing is - I have not done very well from it because it requires study and quiet time to analyse and learn - and that is scary to me because it means I can slip into THOSE thoughts which I am hiding from and confront me when I am reading or being quiet with myself.
And there was NO one else to punch me on the shoulder or high 5 me for a job well done....
Right - so that would explain my rapid weight gain of late... one puzzle solved!
I have been waiting for months - even back as far as late last year - for something in my head to snap and get me going. It always has before.
But this time it looks like I have to make it happen myself.
So - that was hard to write and admit to and THINK about. During those paragraphs I counted at least 3 times when I almost stopped and went off to do something mindless on the net to get away from what I was thinking....
If you hung in there - thanks for joining me while I took the first step in the painful process of trying to understand what is happening to me. Not my usual happy blog but I have to start somewhere I guess.
I have to find a way to let go of the bullies who have been with me on the outside AND inside and start to at least not hate myself for who I am .
If I cm going to do this I need to be honest with myself and my pain.
And once I have popped around to the wonderful people who have sent me words of encouragement and love I will be in the shower (before midday - amazing!) and WALKING (not driving) down to the coffee place for my coffee - its about 20 minutes of exercise.
From there - I don't know - but its a start right?