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Day 3 - Is it stalking when you're watching YOURSELF?

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

After being down on myself for so long and feeling like a failure at pretty much everything I try I have finally found something I am a master at.

I can procrastinate my way out of anything - seriously - if there was a University Degree I would have my Masters by now and running my own course - except I am sure I would find a way to never quite make it to class emoticon

Like many others here I am sure I spend a lot of time watching everything I say, do, eat to make sure I don't miss a chance to criticise anything and everything

- "don't forget that as soon as you walk out the door EVERYBODY is noticing how fat you are"

- "you keep deepening that dent in the couch and they will have to send search and rescue to find you!"

- "planning to donate those manboobs to the less fortunate are we?"

, "stop chewing your nails - eating everything in sight does NOT include yourself!"

- "see those laces ALL the way down there - one day you won't be able to reach them ya know"

- "yep - your pants are tighter because you put them in the drier - yep - THATS why (eye roll)"

You get the drift.

I am the master of procrastination - between smoking and eating and working from home (so I can always find an excuse to go into the home office and fiddle around instead of doing what I should be doing) plus being addicted to TV I can easily fill my day with all the things I need to NOT do what I should be doing and not face what I should be facing.

Its a vicious cycle I am so accustomed to I don't even know it - heres an example of how the old brain works from yesterday:

1. The shorts I like to wear when I use my treadmill got wet because I dropped them in the shower (which was still wet from my recent shower) without realising it when I was cleaning up.

2. My immediate reaction was to see this as a problem- so I should wash and dry them and wait till later today to do my exercise

3. Exercising in the afternoon evening isn't really practical because I will be too busy working

4. I exercised yesterday and will again tomorrow so missing today won't hurt

5. So I can focus better on my work instead

6. Its all good!

All of that in less than a second as it ran through my brain which is committed to finding ways not to exercise or diet - I have trained it well!

I am now starting to learn to harness this power for good - whenever I decide on something that is the easy road I am starting to question it and make sure I choose the route that is right for me.

No more sitting on the couch convincing myself it's the best thing to do - I start taking action TODAY!

Its a marathon not a sprint

P.S. One more thing I had to have a laugh at myself over - Can you believe I started to play on SP so much this morning it almost stopped me exercising because I had to make sure I knew everything that was available, because if I didn't i might miss something really important to my progress, so I SHOULD skip exercise and I.... sheesh! Bert - shut the hell up LOL!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINSLVRGRL 12/12/2010 11:18PM

    emoticon I agree with you & Barbara on a whole lot of things.

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REALLYHOPIN 12/9/2010 7:25AM

    Hmmmmm.... maybe you have to set a new rule for Bert... no PLAY on Spark until the exercise is done.... logging food and water is not play.

Bertha and I would never set this rule for ourselves of course... although when it was warm I did get up at 5:30 and go for my walk/jog before anything else (spark included)...

I think you and I have a lot in common. I think we both need to be careful NOT to get so wrapped up in this site because it is "GOOD" for us, that we wind up not getting other important things done. This place is addicting. The majority of my "social" time is spent communicating with people here. I completely understood what you were talking about regarding isolating yourself. The only difference we have there is that I live with a house FULL of people and still most of my thoughts and ideas are expressed here, where people actually appreciate them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I hope you will not turn into a "Spark Junkie" lol...

interesting that I am fighting the temptation to delete this post before I click "Post Comment"... perhaps it is a little too self-revealing for me and some of my own insecurities and fears about myself... or just calling my attention to yet ANOTHER area of my life I need to work on... as if there wasn't enough already.

Guess I should spend some time looking in a mirror today...

~ ~ ~ ~

I just had a thought that may help you... if you are as good of a procrastinator as you claim, let's use that quality to help you out with one of your habits you are looking to change. Next time you have the urge to light up a cigarette, procrastinate it for five minutes... and then another 5... and so on... give it a shot...

Have a great day (or maybe it's sleep well, not sure how far off of my time that you are)...

Barbara

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TENNISJIM 12/9/2010 7:10AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Day 2 - when you realise your "best friend" is your biggest enemy - Bert must die!

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Hi All

I came to a revelation this morning as I listed to my get up and go song(s) - a friend I have had for more than 40 years was actually someone who had been selfishly stopping me from pursuing my goals in life.

Whilst I didn't realise it they had been constantly telling me I should only be with them, stop socialising, find comfort in the easy way out and not talk to anyone else about my fears.

He would always be at my place - hanging out on the couch, waatching TV with me and (without me noticing) over time was eroding my confidence - this was not malicious but just because he was insecure and he and I had always had much in common and shared similar points of view.

He'd encourage me to lose weight and exercise to feel better about myself but underneath the surface always seemed to be there when I was at my most vulnerable, telling me that one more chip wouldn't make a difference and that bag of cookies was bad for me BUT would me make me feel better now and tomorrow would be a new day to fix it all.

I believed him - I WANTED to believe him - get comfort now and fix it tomorrow - problem is there has been more than 14,000 tomorrows and not many todays - if you know what I mean!

To protect the "innocent" (not!) lets call him Bert. Bert weighs just over 100 lbs and is the friend I have slept, eaten, worked, walked, danced, cried, sung, breathed and found consolation with all my life - and by now you have probably guessed Bert is the monkey on my back that has slowly eroded my confidence to the point where I avoid even catching up with friends in public places - Bert is my 51 kilo fat blanket - and now is the time that he starts to consider leaving home and letting me get oin with the things in life I want to do.

By the way - no offence to any of the Berts out there!

Bert seems to be feeling a little nervous today but I get the feeling he is not ready to give up yet. He's been around a long time and it will take some time before he realises that Dave is not willing to continue this friendship - Bert must die!

Its a marathon not a sprint.

D

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEAN111766 12/8/2010 12:12PM

    I never thought about it that way... thanks so much for posting this blog today... I laughed and smiled all the while thinking I have a "Bert" as well... she just has yet to be named. I will ponder on this one throughout the day and come up with her name... I really like this way of thinking about this marathon journey. With this Sparks site it will be an amazing ride!!!
emoticon

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RUNNER12COM 12/8/2010 11:54AM

    Oh, Bert. I sense your days are numbered!

SDJ

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REALLYHOPIN 12/8/2010 8:52AM

    Let's send your Bert and my Bertha off into the sunset together...

(maybe if they have something to look forward to they'll get lost quicker!) lol

Thanks for blogging...

Enjoy the journey... glad you found the site...

Barbara

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TWOTIMESS 12/8/2010 7:06AM

    emoticon
Kill Bert! Tell him to shut up.

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BUD_44 12/8/2010 2:18AM

  You've got the right idea. In time both of out Bert's will be gone. I hope soon...

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Its the start

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Well this is the first day of a journey that I hope will end up in me being fitter, healthier and happier.

Not fitting into clothes, shunning any social activities, alienating friends - its been a ride that has resulted in me being fat, unhappy and lonely.

I have to remember that simply losing weight is not enough and that I have to also work on my other parts to ensure I get to 50 in better shape then when I left 40:)

Off to take my first shirt off in shorts photo to start my journey - don't expect to see THAT one in Men's Health!

Its not a sprint - its a marathon.

D

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TONYVOYAGER 12/7/2010 10:59PM

    How about just a face pic for now so we can welcome you on your journey.

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CBAILEYC 12/7/2010 10:39AM

    Hiya emoticon welcome to SparkPeople.. and the 40-something team! You can certainly do this, one step at a time. We'll cheer you on all along the way!
emoticon
C~

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BAKERICLISA 12/7/2010 5:30AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon


Your right, it's a marathon to get to the finish line and at times we do need to slow down and just walk . . . the goal is to finish, no one really cares about the time.

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DONNAGOWAN 12/7/2010 4:53AM

    emoticon emoticon

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TENACIOUSTRISH 12/7/2010 3:50AM

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