I'll take sleep for 500!

Monday, January 14, 2013

For the past 5 or so years I have been like the grandmother in Golden Girls, having to get up 3 or 4 times a night to go to the bathroom. And I am not sure which makes me sound older - the bathroom trips or the reference to Golden Girls :)

I have a bladder condition where my bladder does not fully empty so it takes much less fluid to "fill me up". Add in sleep apnea and you have a wonderful list of reasons for not being able to sleep well at all.

As soon as my head hits the pillow I am in sleep mode almost immediately. I start to dream while I am still just falling asleep - not uncommon for those of us who are sleep deprived.

I tend to be a bit of a night owl but also can not sleep once it gets light outside the result being 5 hours of interrupted sleep every night is my usual, followed by an afternoon of feeling like I have to nap or I'll pass out.

This in turn is not good for controlling food intake, feeling like exercising or really doing anything. That requires some form of control.

This may seem ridiculous but yesterday I FINALLY made sure of several things.

- I made myself drink lots earlier in the day and stopped nearly all liquids after 5:00 p.m.

- I went to bed at 9:00 p.m.

The result? 8 hours of sleep with only one interruption. I woke up groggy and am still just getting my eyes open as I type BUT my brain works best just after I have woken up.

I have recently realised some of my inability to control food and do exercise is directly related to my sleep deprivation. When you are always tired you just do not have the same level of control.

I'd be interested to hear if others have similar issues and what remedies you have taken?

Spark On

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

“Next stop – Multiple Addiction City – please alight from the carriage”

Friday, December 28, 2012

Bloody hell if its not one thing its another.

As I look around my immediate family – which now consists of my sister, her 4 children whom I love dearly and THEIR children I see a healthy, happy, slim, adjusted sane lot of people.

No indications of heart disease or obesity or addictions of any kind – unless you count my nephew Timothy's addiction to all things sport on TV. God he'll watch two slugs climb a wall if there is a crowd there :)

I am adopted and sometimes I feel quite lonely as I battle through multiple addictions and see that my family doesn't really get how addictions work or how someone can not just say no. I often think that there must be a genetic link in there somewhere as I know my birth mother was not a well adjusted or well looked after woman and had many problems of her own.

They are kind and sweet and loving but … they just don’t understand how someone can be so addicted to something like food or alcohol that it can change or ruin their lives.

They do love their Uncle David though and despite his many misgivings he is always a welcome member of the family. It would just be nice if at least one of them struggled with food or smoking or drinking so they could understand what addiction is lol

Damn them why aren't they all raging obese alcoholics!!!

And I am tired of being the Uncle (their only Uncle actually) who always has to be the one who we need to make allowances for and remember he is battling whatever the heck it is.

SO now that my long term depression has finally broken and I am feeling much better and getting life back in order and ticking off lists of long overdue admin stuff (and driving a car that is actually registered and insured – I literally do NOTHING when I am depressed) and controlling food and counting calories and making healthy choices?

Its time to have a drink to celebrate. Lets have two. Lets have 12 – its been months since you had a good old drink and you are feeling so good why not celebrate it!

I know this is not a site about alcohol but its just frustrating that as I peel off one addiction another comes roaring in to fill its space.

BUT I attended an online AA meeting last night and I am absolutely going back to daily meetings from tomorrow.

The one that seems to be definitely under control is gambling. Although I will admit if I had another $50,000 in my bank account that would probably be a different story.

And of course I will continue to smoke my way through all of this drama.

And bite my nails when I have a moment. But who has time with all that drinking and eating and gambling and smoking and TV watching? How can I fit ANYTHING else in!

I don't know about many of you but I am sure weight and food addiction is often not a solitary thing and we have other things in life that we do that we think “Why the heck am I doing this. Its not good for me. Why am I doing this” and rumble along merrily doing it.

And the point of this long winded ramble?

I guess its that no matter what we say or do the fight is squarely focused in our heads. We can run a mile or do 50 crunches or Zumba our butts for hours but if our head is not in the game? We won't get there.

So look forward to all my Spark friends helping me keep my head in the game and I promise to do the same in return!

Spark On

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

Oh my God - I'm a CRACK addict!

Friday, December 28, 2012

Well – if by crack I mean food then yes. I am a food addict. But it may as well be crack the way I am transfixed by it!

Over periods of depression while I have been away from Spark I have really noticed the only time I was feeling better (as in wanting to stand up, basically!) was when I was eating.

The more fat, sugar and carbs I stuffed in my gob, the bigger my internal smile-o-meter grew and the more pleasure hormones my brain would produce.

Lets just saying eating a couple of carrots would not make my smile-o-meter go ding whereas a Krsipy Kreme donut could definitely send it into over drive!

And as soon as I stopped chewing and swallowed the last bite?

CRASH and my mood plummeted.

So what lesson do I (and many of us) learn about the pleasure hormones that fatty, salty or sweet food gives us as we slowly expand?

Eating crap food makes you feel good. So keep eating it and you'll feel even GOODER!

Most of us learn our lesson early with alcohol in those teenage years when we drink till we puke and eventually as we mature we know when its time to NOT have that next glass of wine or beer.

Why is it our body does not tell us the same thing when we are stuffing down pastries and chips and … well the list is endless.

And I do mean STUFFING. As in inhaling, cramming, non stop pushing of food into my cake hole.

If I am in the mood for Mickey D's hash browns in the morning I would go and get 2 x sausage McMuffins, 4 hash browns and a Coffee Kick Frappe.

As I handed over my money at the drive through window (dear God why would I want to walk in and order when that burns so many precious calories!) I would look the server in the eye and make sure SHE knew that I knew that she knew that I really WAS ordering breakfast for me and the other invisible person at home and this was not just for me!.

The pleasure I would get from eating those crunchy, fatty hash browns was insane – when you really notice how your brain and body reacts its surprising. I really do get a little “high” from that kind of food.

But I also get that body high from doing some good hard exercise and I HAVE to remember that and keep implementing it into my day.

So. Please. All you “crack” addicts out there. Lets kick the habit and get some healthier ones happening.

Spark On!

D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHEN “E R R” means “ERR..lose some weight would ya!!”

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Its been a long time since I posted and I would MUCH rather start with something with some humor rather than plunging straight into the depths of the depression I have been dealing with

So lets do that shall we?

I have set of bathroom scales I have owned for a couple of years which have always worked perfectly and I like. German technology, very precise and I trust what they say.

They measure to the 100 grams so very precise and I could rely on them to tell me what was going on when I did my obsessive daily weigh in. Within less than a second they would come to exactly what my weight was.

*sidenote* - Can someone explain why weighing daily, which means you know exactly what is going on, some how makes you GAIN weight? LOL

Anyway...

It is clearly stated on the bottom of the scale that it has the capacity to weigh “1.0 kilos to 150 kilos ONLY!” or for the metrically challenged 2 pounds to 330 pounds.

Considering how emphatic! that warning was I wondered what it would do should someone who was 151 kilos dare to step on.

Would big explosive sparks emit from the diode read out as it burst into flame and melted down on my bathroom floor?

Would it shudder and collapse dramatically under the weight?

Would a severely German accented voice scream from the display “GET OFF ZEE SCALE FATSO!”

But these were just day dreams because I would NEVER get to 150+ kilos.

Would I?

Ummm....well...hmmmm.... maybe I could if I really REALLY tried...*severe roll of eyes*

As my weight continued to increase past 140 kilos I noticed the scales were taking a little longer each day to arrive at an exact weight. I imagined all those poor little springs and weights laboring valiantly to measure my body mass as they looked at each other, mouthing the words “What the DAMN HELL is happening???”

About 2 weeks ago I weighed in at 148 and had not weighed myself again until FINALLY my very VERY long spell of being couch bound and depressed finally cleared.

I had a feeling I had broken the 150 barrier and tentatively put each foot onto the scale, wincing as I let more of weight bear down.

I watched as the display quickly climbed and for a flash of a second I saw “151.2” and thought LIAR – you DO weigh past 150!

And then straight away it simply displayed “E r r”. SUrely if I am now to heavy to weigh it should be something a little more dramatic than some little pathetic "E r r " - comeo on. Thats huge! (pun intended)

I thought “Err? As in error. Oh it must have just been knocked or something”. Got off. Got back on. “E R R” flashing at me.

Huh...hmmmm...so THATS what it does when I get past 150 kilos.

BOR-ING!

No sparks, no collapse, no “YOU ARE VUN FIFTY TOO HEAVY GET OFF ZEE SCALE!!!” bellowing from the scale.

Just E....r......r

Interesting that my turnaround and lightening in mood and feeling more like looking after myself has come just as I hit that 150 mark but lets not attribute TOO much meaning to that.

So I am back. Again.

13 is my lucky number and we have a 2013 just around the corner.

LETS LOSE SOME WEIGHT!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

Its time for action

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I've spent the last few months doing some fairly heavy work on myself mentally and spiritually. Its been difficult and confronting but also really rewarding.

My therapist awesome and doesn't let me rest on my laurels for long and knows that all I need is a gentle push in the right direction to now start getting my own momentum.

Instead of just waiting as we often do for whatever that "thing" is that suddenly kicks in and we just find motivation I now know I have to create that for myself. That guy who sits in my subconscious and in the past has pushed me to lose weight has let me know that he's not ready to keep doing that if the rest of me won't commit. Probably sounds strange but it makes sense for me :)

I am writing this as I wait for my nutritionist to call in for her 2 weekly visit. Unfortunately I have not been good BUT the last few days have finally opened my eyes so I am back in the swing of things.

So - its time for action. And I feel completely ready for it.

A little quote that I have put up above the jug so I can read it while I wait for the jug to boil:

*******
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

******

So just shine - alright?

Can't wait to go around and see what all my Sparkies have been up to.

xox

D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post: