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DAOCCHICA's Recent Blog Entries

It's been a while!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I really didn't realize how long until I looked at my last post.

What a downer that was to skim through! Well, actually it wasn't a downer really.

I am still hanging in there! I only really gained about 5-6 lbs over the holidays, I wasn't exercising deliberately (walking here and there long distances, but not for so-called exercise). And eating a mix of really bad food and really good food. I have lost a couple lbs of what I gained over the holidays, which is great! Started eating ALL healthy again (no fast food for this lady, uh uh!). And This past week started exercising.. I even got up early on a SATURDAY to go work out :D Before my body knew what it was doing.. lol, so the popular internet saying goes; Work out early in the morning before your body knows what it's doing.

My mom has been here since before Christmas and is staying until the middle of Feb. It is nice to have someone around the apt. with me. I also moved to a bottom floor apt in my same complex. And adopted a mommy and baby kitty (pictures at the bottom) that had been abandoned in an apt close to me :( Sad how people nowadays can do such things. So now I think I can officially call myself a crazy cat lady.. as that makes 4!

I changed a few goals around along with my weighing - in schedule. I now weigh myself on Thursdays (before the weekend). Also my body changed (weighing wise) after I changed schedules at work. And my new goal for the short term is 218 by my birthday (June 1st). That is 2 lbs per week. Definitely doable!

I hope everyone's holiday's went well! It took me a few weeks to bounce back afterwards.. but I feel tons better now.

I had a yearly wellness check (my company puts on every year). Since Jan 15 of last year my cholesterol (overall and bad) has gone WAY down. My good chol. has went up, I lost lbs (of course!) and my heart disease risk factors went way down.. in the normal range now! That made me happy.

My best friend is now moving into my apt complex (YAYAYAYAY sleepovers and frilly girly goodness LOL). I got a new position at work (which has been interesting and exciting!)....

....And the color run was today, which I missed, of course, cuz I was nowhere near ready. And didn't have the money :/ BUT the zombie run for your lives phoenix is coming in November! I still want to run. Maybe now I am a bit more prepared mentally and will be physically also. Not to mention I hate treadmills and right now is the perfect time in AZ to get outside and run as it's not too hot!!! I AM just doing the elliptical right now until I have enough endurance to do it 30-40 mins, then I will start running again. As it is now I can do 20-25 and that's all I can. But I am not going to rush it.

Last time I rushed everything and crashed. I did learn a lot though.. I wouldn't take anything back. No regrets at all.

OH! And one thing I totally didn't realize until a few weeks ago when I was trying on pants... I can fit INTO A SIZE 18 now!! I haven't been in that size since I was in high school. Skinny jeans, there I went lol.

This year is the year that I turn 30. I hear that when you turn 30 lots of changes happen. I can feel it. they have already started. From the way I talk and think and feel, to the way I live my life.. to the way I love (friends, family, companions). I truly am looking around and starting to realize what I cherish most, and who to spend a little more time on developing day to day relationships with. All in all, just living life the best way I know how.

Yeah, I hurt inside. But I feel myself changing bit by bit. Like everyone does. Everyday we change and grow. Put a smile on your face and eventually you will see the rainbow.

The kitties when I first got them.

The little one is growing so much!

A few of me recently!!

And my new skinny jeans, 18s baybee :D

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNY160 2/28/2013 9:37PM

    WELCOME BACK! The new kittybabies are so adorable. And you are rockin' those skinnies!

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WINDSONG26 1/27/2013 10:35PM

    Sounds like you are doing pretty well, all in all. Glad you are still around! And the kitties are SOOO cute!!! :D

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NAYKNITS 1/27/2013 7:32PM

    nice to see you back! emoticon on the smaller jeans emoticon

sounds like you learned quite a bit about yourself & the weightloss process.
emoticon emoticon

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MARYBETH4884 1/27/2013 10:43AM

    Glad to have you back! You sound like your life is moving in a positive direction! Isn't it great to be totally surprised by the size jeans you can wear! It's those NSV that make all the effort worth it!

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RAINBOWCHOC 1/27/2013 9:35AM

    sounds like a new year full of possibilities and challenges. go for them all and be able to look back with pride
big hugs, Sandra

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40PUDDLEJUMPER 1/27/2013 5:30AM

    i love the photo's of the cats, and wecome back... keep posting!!

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What am I fighting for really

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I don't really want to blog about this.. I don't really want to blog period.. But it may be good to get everything out. I am not trying to self pity or feel sorry for myself.. This is what I have truly dug deep inside for.. and this is what I found.. Probably the true reason why I am on this roller coaster.

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week or so.. It's been really bad. Normally I don't have depression issues anymore or anger issues (period).. but the past week... I have tried and tried everything to stop feeling the ways I have been feeling.. even exercise hasn't been helping. I am so done trying with everything in my life. Every time I try and put everything into it, something happens or I fail. And the past week it's been happening in every aspect of my life.

I tell myself nothing great is ever easy. Accomplishing things and getting through hard things.. will never be easy. But why am I trying? I can say I am trying for myself and my future. But do I believe in myself? Do I really care about myself? Do I believe I will ever really have a future? Or do I really care about my future? I want to share my future with someone... If I haven't found that one special person in my life now, what's to say I will find the one later when I am skinnier? Or will it be the same bull***** with all guys. I swear, someone has to love me or even at least try and get to know me when I am fat.. rather than when I am skinnier. Who's to say I will ever meet anyone.. even if I meet someone, I have a pretty big secret when it comes to my body, no one will ever like me after I tell them. I have such a big fear of falling for someone and telling them my secret and they will leave. Yeah you can say "Well they weren't right for you anyway." So easier said then felt. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken again and again. Getting cheated on, lied to, stepped on, used. Seems like the only guys who like me are those types. What is wrong with me? And when it comes to trying to find a real person, everyone just has one thing on their mind.

Every time I try, I fail, and fail hard.. I get back up and fail harder. When it comes to home, work, and relationships. It's hard to fail like that especially at work, because work is my livelihood (it's sad..I know..but its the only thing that is going somewhat right in my non-existent life right now), it is my apartment, work is honestly the best thing that is going for me right now. Laziness is taking over (like always), food is slowly taking over. Everything is taking over. I care.. but I don't at the same time. I have never ever finished anything in my life. I don't have anything to be proud of really. I quit college, I quit all of the sports I have ever done, I have given up on many awesome career opportunities.. I have quit on projects here and there.. I have quit and quit. I don't have really anything to fight for. What's the point of fighting for my health and for me when I really don't care or really don't think there is a reason to fight for.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GINGERD03 11/11/2012 2:12PM

  So sorry you are going through a lot of tough feelings & your heart is hurting. I felt for a long time I wasn't worth the fight & I didn't really know why I felt that way-I knew I shouldn't feel that way but I did none the less. It took a lot of self exploration & understanding that until I could love myself, forgive myself for all the projects quit or opportunities lost or thinking the grass is greener on the other side-nothing was going to change. I had to change my mind the way I looked at myself & my life in order to get things even started on a good track. Each of us have to do it our own way -I really hope you find your way. You are so worth the fight-even if you don't believe it. It is studies that if you keep telling yourself the same thing over & over-you'll soon believe it & live it. So we each have a choice-to either think positive or think negative-because which ever we think....we will believe about ourselves. Keep you in my thoughts sweetie. ((BIG HUGS)) Keep fighting!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAESEA78 11/2/2012 4:52AM

    My heart breaks to hear you are feeling this way. I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could do to help. I completely understand about the liars and cheaters...all too much. I felt the same way for so long. Either no one was interested or the ones who were were poop heads. I hope you find your way through this crappy time! I think you are totally worth fighting for!!!!

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WINDSONG26 10/31/2012 10:06PM

    As someone who's been there with the guy thing, trust me, he will come when you are both ready to find something amazing. Don't give up. There are great things in store for you, I know there are. Just keep going. When you need a hand up, we are always here. Please know that.

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LDYSABELLA 10/31/2012 12:50PM

    Hello I was looking on my friend's feed and came upon your post quite by accident. However I can't help but believe that there are no accidents and this is how it should be. I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time loving yourself. I know just how you feel because I too suffer from self loathing and doubt. How can anyone find you worthy of love when you can't find it in yourself?

When we look at ourselves we see the flaws both real and imagined, magnified 100 times. We don't even really see the image in the mirror because our self image is so very firmly fixed in our mind.

When I see you, just by casually looking at your page and your accomplishments, I see a woman who has taken on adversity and fought it. You've gone through significant health problems and recovered. Your goals include not just yourself but others. For example, you aspire to run for cancer awareness not just to prove to yourself you can do it. You've touched many lives just here on SparkPeople. I imagine there are many more in your real life that would tell you without hesitation that you are loved and worthy of love.

Romantic love is tricky. A large part of it is luck. You have to be in right place with the right person and actually notice and believe the cues given. When we find it hard to love ourselves, we also find it hard to believe someone else could love us. Sometimes people will go as far as thinking something must be wrong with anyone who would take an interest in them. This can lead to looking for that flaw so hard it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

You aren't perfect, but no one is. There will be someone that can love you regardless of your flaws and your secret. You just have to let them. And don't forget to love yourself and take care of you.

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RDGISME 10/31/2012 9:39AM

    Wow,hon.....I am just so sorry that your emotions are leaving you down-in-the-dumps right now!! I have no brilliant or magic words but I do have these: if you can focus on trying to love yourself first, someone else can then follow.

emoticon emoticon

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ELLISH 10/31/2012 9:26AM

    You are fighting to be happy. Finding happiness. Everyone is looking for this. Even those cheaters, liars, etc. We all just want to be happy. My thing is, I don't know who I am lately. I just ended up where I am by default. I feel like this is my video game and this is where I spawned. My thinking is, well if that the case then I need to make the best of it. Get to where I want to be. You can do that too. These last two weeks have been horrible for me as well. Things I cant even start to talk about, thougthts I dont want to be judged for. I'm easing away from the last two weeks just knowing that it's either do something or fall. I know I dont want to fall or fail. I want to succeed so I'm fighting lazy, I'm fighting sick, I'm fighting people, I'm fighting the devil, I'm fighting whoever the hell gets in the way, I'm fighting myself. I'm going to try and bring out the person that is crying out and let them lead for a while. Not matter what that takes. I need to find myself. What I love, who I AM, not who I am now. I dont think anyone really knows who they are. Finding ourselves, means finding happiness. Do this for you. Find you and be that person. Then you will also find the right person because they will know you truly are as well. I'm here if you need me. I feel you. I empathize with you. I have given up the last few weeks on everything almost. Hang in there, well get this.

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ENDERLI 10/31/2012 9:07AM

    You are fighting for YOU! You have hit a bit of a rough patch, it will turn around! I think we have too many pressures on us to get on with our lives and get married, fulfill dreams and reach nirvana. It will happen, when it's suppose to happen.
I know you said you have PCOS....have you tried going on Metformin? I was put on it, and my hormones seemed to balance out a bit. (I'm by no way saying you are hormonal ;)) but I am saying that a lot of how I feel physically effects how I feel mentally. I was about 28 when I went on initially, and I'm 40, still using it and feeling SO much better!
Concentrate on getting yourself to Physically feel great, then the emotional part will follow. YOU are worthy of feeling good, of being happy and enjoying life! It's ok to take pride in your Job and where you live, and your little kitties.
I went through similar questions when I was 29(it was a rough year for me). It's ok to be a little down, but don't drown in it. Talk to your Dr about it....get some real feedback!
In my Grandma's words, this to shall pass.
Good luck & emoticon stay positive & don't neglect the positive things you have accomplished!!! emoticon

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EUEK098 10/31/2012 8:22AM

    Honey don't give up, emoticon, it seems hard and worthless now, but you want to look back and know you did it. emoticon

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STEPH-KNEE 10/31/2012 1:33AM

    I wish I had some amazing advice that could just take away all the negative feelings you are having, but I know it doesn't work that way. I just wanted to say that I hope you are able to feel better soon and I am so proud of everything you have accomplished! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CATHGREEN8 10/30/2012 10:03PM

    I am sorry you are feeling like this. I pray you use this discomfort to grow and create a better tomorrow for yourself. emoticon

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Need to get some Zzz's after this :)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What's up sparklers!? How are everyone's weeks going so far? Mine just started today, but so far, so good!

Sooo I recently applied for a promotion at work and applied to help out with the new hire class next month when they start working accounts and calling. I haven't received word about the promotion yet... but I get to help out with the class! I am so excited and so happy! Yay!

I got on the elliptical tonight and was on for 32 mins. I upped my large interval from 4 to 5 minutes (at the 10 minute mark).. upped my second larger interval from 3 to 4 minutes at the 20 minute mark. And had about 4 2-3 minute intervals throughout the rest of the workout (including a 3 minute the last 3 minutes before cool down!). I am definitely feeling good.

I only had 1 piece of candy today rather than 4. I am getting more control over my cravings again. I am noticing a big difference when I drink lots of water (or crystal light, appletini). Which I SHOULD be doing anyway!! I don't get so hungry and my cravings subside more and more. And am finally getting my carb cravings back under control slowly but surely. Slow slow slow, at a pace that is right for me. That is how I will beat this food slump I have been having. And I haven't had soda since... uhm.. I am trying to think of the last time I had soda! I think the beginning of last week?! Woohoo!! I still have cravings here and there, but they are getting fewer and fewer.

Today marks 10 weeks of NOT SMOKING! Yay! Slowly but surely those cravings are getting few and far between also. I honestly can say I will never go back.

Me having fun being BLONDE! Lol :)

I ordered my shoes this weekend. I was going to go to a specialty shoe store but I realllly don't have the money to be throwing around and I already spent tons on my last pair (that don't work for running at all). I should have taken everyone's advice and done shoe shopping right the first time. But lesson learned! So anyways.. It too me a lot of tears to find this site (I was so torn on what to do). Once I found the site I figured it would be my best option. So I could start running again and not feel so darn miserable, without being totally broke until the middle of next month (Yes the miiidddlle of next month lol).

www.runningwarehouse.com I mostly do online shopping because I hate the fact that when I want to do anything that is more than a mile away from my home, it normally takes all day (or at least half a day) to do what I need to do, with the buses around here. Anyways, they give you a lot of different ways to measure your feet for running shoes. They also.... let you UPLOAD/SEND a video of you running on a treadmill and do a free gait analysis without you ever having to set foot in a shop. Each shoe they sell has specifics on each page about the shoe (that are in layman's terms lol). Me, I always feel obligated to buy no matter how nice/not pushy the people are. So this was great for me. They have a 90 day return policy (new and used). And I got my shoes for 74$.. They are for over-pronation (That's what I do!). And are supposedly better for heavier people.. and they came in a wider size than B (I got D's). So I am excited.. and they had free 2 day shipping and I get a couple other freebies.. I am happy :)


I shared this with my facebook friends tonight, thought I would share it with everyone here. Hopefully it will open up some people's eyes.. or help someone who may be struggling with some of the same emotions that I have been lately. I really hope to one day be an awesome teacher and motivator to at least one person. I really want to take what I have learned (and will learn) in my life and share it to whomever is willing to listen...

Every time I start to feel sorry for myself about not having "that special someone" in my life, or not having honestly any good/healthy relationships in the past 5 years... I try my darnedest to think about how not everyone's life is perfect... Someone may have someone special like that but may not have something else I have. I think about how many family and friends support me and how much we love and care for each other (even though most of us may be miles a part). I think about how much I have learned in the past 5-10 years.. no matter how much heartbreak it brought. I think about how I am actually working on myself for the first time. I think about how God knows how much I hang on to someone in a relationship and forget about myself, and somehow I feel he is using VERY tough love. I think about that one who will love me for me and not care what is wrong with me and not care about my past. That one, no matter how far away, how long it will take to get there.. is out there somewhere. These are just some of the things that keep me going, even when I feel like giving up.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WINDSONG26 10/24/2012 11:12PM

    Way to go for not smoking for 10 weeks!! What an accomplishment!!!!!

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SHRINK_U 10/24/2012 3:49PM

    Hey blondie.. way to go on the 10 weeks of no smoking!!!!!!!! I hope you enjoy your new shoes. I love what you wrote on facebook. He is in control.. that is for sure. Great blog, girl!

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ALISINGS 10/24/2012 4:00AM

    You are doing so well, daughter! As far as that someone special...he's out there and when your heart is ready you'll find each other...remember to respect yourself first no matter what the situation is. Love you!

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KAYE454 10/23/2012 11:54PM

  sounds like you are making great progress God helps us much

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Quite a week!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I gained a little this week (about a pound and a half). I did switch my scale to a digital.. which adds 5.4 lbs.. but it is way easier to get a good reading with it than with the dial scale. I have been losing inches though, so that is always good.

I am going to get a gait analysis tomorrow for new running shoes at a local running store.. I tried running this week and I was reaalllyy hurting (the sides of my ankles), I am pretty sure it's my shoes. I love to run, I want to run so bad.. I can't wait to get the shoes darnitt!! And my next 5k is The Color Run on Jan 26th! Once I get these new shoes I am going to start seriously training for it. I actually realized that I can run from work to my house, it is 2.6 miles.. and there is another route later that I can take that is exactly 3.1 miles!! I am going to start off with 1 mile first then taking the bus the rest of the way home, and eventually get all the way home. 2 work days a week I will do it and 1 non work day a week I will run around my house. Incorporate strength training and elliptical again, and I will be good!

I eventually want to do a half marathon.. and then a marathon!! I am adding it to my goal list :D

I have been slipping with candy this week.. stupid me, I bought candy and a cauldron and stuck it on my desk for my team at work... even putting it on the desk next to me tempts me. Food has been so tempting around me.. very very very tempting.. and I seem to be giving in.. although last week it was a little less that I was giving into. But I have been having problems with portion sizes. I can't seem to get full at smaller portions. I AM doing better than the past couple weeks. But I am still not exactly to where I want to be food-wise.

But no matter what, I know that this will take time. This won't take just a week or 2 to change.

I went blonde for Halloween!! I am happy with it, it looks awesome!!

I took a comparison pic this morning, I don't see any difference, but I have been through a lot since week 7, so I am just happy I am maintaining and learning at the same time.. and not gaining everything back.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDERLI 10/24/2012 10:35AM

    I totally see a difference! Good for you! I dig the blonde myself as well.

New hair give us new outlooks...a change that we didn't have to "earn" It's refreshing.

Yes, get some good shoes. It will make all the difference in the world!

emoticon emoticon

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NAYKNITS 10/23/2012 9:41PM

    the blonde is really cute! and i totally see a difference in those photos- emoticon You are doing great!!

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GINGERD03 10/22/2012 10:27AM

  Love the blonde! Hope you get the shoes you need so you can enjoy running. Filling your plate with more lower calorie foods like greens etc... can really help get full on the stuff that is smaller portion but more calories. I also find taking fiber in my water first thing in the morning really helps me stay on track for the day. I also keep fresh fruits around-right now it's apples & pears for the season. When it comes to candy etc... there are only certain things I like so I avoid buying them as much as possible. I try to buy things I don't like but others do like so they can enjoy it but I'm not tempted to eat it. Same with soda, chips etc... I try to find things I won't eat but they will to keep in the house. If I do take a cookie or something (which isn't often) but I make sure I just plan it into my calories for the day. So having some candy I think is fine as long as you don't over do it & count it. :) Have a great week. (HUGS)

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KAESEA78 10/22/2012 4:03AM

    You can DEFINITELY see a difference!!!!! I hope your new shoes are the solution to your pain so you can get on with your running goals. Good luck lady and I am so glad I don't like candy but chips and dip, chips and salsa and mexican food in general are my downfall :/

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JENNY160 10/22/2012 12:57AM

    I made the mistake of putting mini candy bars (for the kids we see in our office) in a pumpkin on a desk at work. After the original bag of candy was gone, we agreed not to *ever* do that again. I don't think a single kid got one of those candy bars LOL We still keep treats in it for the kiddos we test, but the treats are pencils, and stickers, and erasers, etc. Funny, those things don't tempt me.

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COURTNEY055 10/21/2012 9:58PM

    First off, love the blonde! I think I already told u that...

Second, You can DEF see a diff in those pics..You're losing, girl! How much have u lost? You can see it in your stomach. From photo 1-photo 7 there's a big diff...Is it the same shirt? Yeah, you're definately doing GREAT! emoticon emoticon

Next--Halloween is tough. There is candy EVERYWHERE! Temptation is hard and portions are tough too. I know I have a hard time when it's my TOM..is that the case for you? Sometimes, we try so hard for so long that we just NEED to have a treat (an extra helping, a bigger portion) just something more...Like last night we went to IHOP and I stayed good with the "simple and fit" chicken sandwich and then gave in and had 2 buttermilk pancakes! I had been SO good for so long that I just needed a treat. Could that be the case? That's normal too...My advice (this is what I have done) count your calories for the day ahead of time (if possible) and allot yourself some extra calories for an extra helping or for a treat. That way, you're not going over your ranges and u won't get upset with yourself. I know my weight loss isn't dramatic like some others on here, but I'm not gaining and I am losing, so I must be doing something right..Lol. emoticon In my case, it's the med that's hindering my metabolism from being normal like everyone elses (most everyone). But, anyway, maybe try that...plan out your meals one day and see if u can "budget in" a treat whether it's candy or an extra helping at one of your meals. If u do have a bigger portion, try extra exercise to help burn off those extra calories and just don't go CRAZY with the extra. remember, they say everything is ok in moderation. If u have a little extra, make it just that, a little.

I also would try to keep the candy somewhere where it's out of my "grabbing reach". Maybe on another coworkers desk..IDK..wherever u can if it's that tempting.

But, I think you're doing fantastic! I think you're just feeling normal things and your body is just adjusting to it's new "form" and you're gonna be just fine and everything is ok in moderation. Extra exercise is good and planning ahead is good.

I hope any of these suggestions helped! Keep up the awesome work you're doing! You will continue to shine, lady!


emoticon emoticon emoticon

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The 14th of the month must be my lucky day :D

Sunday, October 14, 2012

7/14 is when I started this journey.

8/14 is when I quit smoking.

10/14 (TODAY!).... My 3 month sparkaversary, 2 months of being smoke-free (almost 9 weeks!).. and my first 5k ever..

19:05 pace. I kept up the same walking pace almost the whole time.. and ran about five 3 minute intervals throughout the race. All with blisters forming on the soles of my feet (I think my shoes were too lose :/ ). I made it.. I did it :) And I will do it again and again. There wasn't anyone waiting for me at the finish line, I didn't go with anyone... Just myself. I am tired and I hurt, I am so emotional. I wasn't the slowest, I wasn't the fastest. I learned a lot about myself and maybe a few others today. But I did it.. and I will continue. Nothing beats this feeling.

At 6:30 this morning waiting for the light rail!!

Quiet area before the race.

20-30k people were there today... there is the starting line!!

Me after the race. The local tv station put pics up on their facebook :)

I had an awesome time, met some crazy ladies just in passing :) and learned so much today. Everyone's story is different. The people out there today all had thier own story to tell.. whether it be with words or emotions or the way they presented themselves. I am proud to have been a part of such a HUGE group of great people.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINK_U 10/21/2012 1:33PM

    That is awesome!! Love the pictures, too :) So proud of you!

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NAYKNITS 10/18/2012 8:10AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAESEA78 10/18/2012 4:08AM

    Awesome!! I am so proud of you. I really want to start the couch to 5k but am so scared to fail! I have been thinking about it for over a year because last year around neewollah time I started wanting to do the 5k at Neewollah this year and its next week...I guess I will shoot for next year. There are a couple other anual fundraiser 5k around that I could do before then if I would just get up off that "couch". One day I really will, lol. You are awesome and I can imagine the emotions I would be feeling, so I feel for you.

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JACOBSBELOVED 10/17/2012 11:39PM

    I think 14 is DEFINITELY your lucky number! I'm so proud of you for doing this 5k! You must feel so awesome to have completed yet another goal you set for yourself!

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ENDERLI 10/16/2012 1:43PM

    YAY! Great job! Atta Girl!

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ANASNEWBODY 10/14/2012 7:28PM

    Keep up your success. emoticon

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PHATPAT18 10/14/2012 5:01PM

    Bless you and congratulations on quitting smoking and joining SP. Pat

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DANLENO1949 10/14/2012 5:00PM

    Well Done, you will reap the benefit of not smoking in many ways. emoticon

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