Sunday, January 27, 2013
I really didn't realize how long until I looked at my last post.
What a downer that was to skim through! Well, actually it wasn't a downer really.
I am still hanging in there! I only really gained about 5-6 lbs over the holidays, I wasn't exercising deliberately (walking here and there long distances, but not for so-called exercise). And eating a mix of really bad food and really good food. I have lost a couple lbs of what I gained over the holidays, which is great! Started eating ALL healthy again (no fast food for this lady, uh uh!). And This past week started exercising.. I even got up early on a SATURDAY to go work out :D Before my body knew what it was doing.. lol, so the popular internet saying goes; Work out early in the morning before your body knows what it's doing.
My mom has been here since before Christmas and is staying until the middle of Feb. It is nice to have someone around the apt. with me. I also moved to a bottom floor apt in my same complex. And adopted a mommy and baby kitty (pictures at the bottom) that had been abandoned in an apt close to me :( Sad how people nowadays can do such things. So now I think I can officially call myself a crazy cat lady.. as that makes 4!
I changed a few goals around along with my weighing - in schedule. I now weigh myself on Thursdays (before the weekend). Also my body changed (weighing wise) after I changed schedules at work. And my new goal for the short term is 218 by my birthday (June 1st). That is 2 lbs per week. Definitely doable!
I hope everyone's holiday's went well! It took me a few weeks to bounce back afterwards.. but I feel tons better now.
I had a yearly wellness check (my company puts on every year). Since Jan 15 of last year my cholesterol (overall and bad) has gone WAY down. My good chol. has went up, I lost lbs (of course!) and my heart disease risk factors went way down.. in the normal range now! That made me happy.
My best friend is now moving into my apt complex (YAYAYAYAY sleepovers and frilly girly goodness LOL). I got a new position at work (which has been interesting and exciting!)....
....And the color run was today, which I missed, of course, cuz I was nowhere near ready. And didn't have the money :/ BUT the zombie run for your lives phoenix is coming in November! I still want to run. Maybe now I am a bit more prepared mentally and will be physically also. Not to mention I hate treadmills and right now is the perfect time in AZ to get outside and run as it's not too hot!!! I AM just doing the elliptical right now until I have enough endurance to do it 30-40 mins, then I will start running again. As it is now I can do 20-25 and that's all I can. But I am not going to rush it.
Last time I rushed everything and crashed. I did learn a lot though.. I wouldn't take anything back. No regrets at all.
OH! And one thing I totally didn't realize until a few weeks ago when I was trying on pants... I can fit INTO A SIZE 18 now!! I haven't been in that size since I was in high school. Skinny jeans, there I went lol.
This year is the year that I turn 30. I hear that when you turn 30 lots of changes happen. I can feel it. they have already started. From the way I talk and think and feel, to the way I live my life.. to the way I love (friends, family, companions). I truly am looking around and starting to realize what I cherish most, and who to spend a little more time on developing day to day relationships with. All in all, just living life the best way I know how.
Yeah, I hurt inside. But I feel myself changing bit by bit. Like everyone does. Everyday we change and grow. Put a smile on your face and eventually you will see the rainbow.
The kitties when I first got them.
The little one is growing so much!
A few of me recently!!
And my new skinny jeans, 18s baybee :D
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I don't really want to blog about this.. I don't really want to blog period.. But it may be good to get everything out. I am not trying to self pity or feel sorry for myself.. This is what I have truly dug deep inside for.. and this is what I found.. Probably the true reason why I am on this roller coaster.
I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past week or so.. It's been really bad. Normally I don't have depression issues anymore or anger issues (period).. but the past week... I have tried and tried everything to stop feeling the ways I have been feeling.. even exercise hasn't been helping. I am so done trying with everything in my life. Every time I try and put everything into it, something happens or I fail. And the past week it's been happening in every aspect of my life.
I tell myself nothing great is ever easy. Accomplishing things and getting through hard things.. will never be easy. But why am I trying? I can say I am trying for myself and my future. But do I believe in myself? Do I really care about myself? Do I believe I will ever really have a future? Or do I really care about my future? I want to share my future with someone... If I haven't found that one special person in my life now, what's to say I will find the one later when I am skinnier? Or will it be the same bull***** with all guys. I swear, someone has to love me or even at least try and get to know me when I am fat.. rather than when I am skinnier. Who's to say I will ever meet anyone.. even if I meet someone, I have a pretty big secret when it comes to my body, no one will ever like me after I tell them. I have such a big fear of falling for someone and telling them my secret and they will leave. Yeah you can say "Well they weren't right for you anyway." So easier said then felt. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken again and again. Getting cheated on, lied to, stepped on, used. Seems like the only guys who like me are those types. What is wrong with me? And when it comes to trying to find a real person, everyone just has one thing on their mind.
Every time I try, I fail, and fail hard.. I get back up and fail harder. When it comes to home, work, and relationships. It's hard to fail like that especially at work, because work is my livelihood (it's sad..I know..but its the only thing that is going somewhat right in my non-existent life right now), it is my apartment, work is honestly the best thing that is going for me right now. Laziness is taking over (like always), food is slowly taking over. Everything is taking over. I care.. but I don't at the same time. I have never ever finished anything in my life. I don't have anything to be proud of really. I quit college, I quit all of the sports I have ever done, I have given up on many awesome career opportunities.. I have quit on projects here and there.. I have quit and quit. I don't have really anything to fight for. What's the point of fighting for my health and for me when I really don't care or really don't think there is a reason to fight for.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
What's up sparklers!? How are everyone's weeks going so far? Mine just started today, but so far, so good!
Sooo I recently applied for a promotion at work and applied to help out with the new hire class next month when they start working accounts and calling. I haven't received word about the promotion yet... but I get to help out with the class! I am so excited and so happy! Yay!
I got on the elliptical tonight and was on for 32 mins. I upped my large interval from 4 to 5 minutes (at the 10 minute mark).. upped my second larger interval from 3 to 4 minutes at the 20 minute mark. And had about 4 2-3 minute intervals throughout the rest of the workout (including a 3 minute the last 3 minutes before cool down!). I am definitely feeling good.
I only had 1 piece of candy today rather than 4. I am getting more control over my cravings again. I am noticing a big difference when I drink lots of water (or crystal light, appletini). Which I SHOULD be doing anyway!! I don't get so hungry and my cravings subside more and more. And am finally getting my carb cravings back under control slowly but surely. Slow slow slow, at a pace that is right for me. That is how I will beat this food slump I have been having. And I haven't had soda since... uhm.. I am trying to think of the last time I had soda! I think the beginning of last week?! Woohoo!! I still have cravings here and there, but they are getting fewer and fewer.
Today marks 10 weeks of NOT SMOKING! Yay! Slowly but surely those cravings are getting few and far between also. I honestly can say I will never go back.
Me having fun being BLONDE! Lol :)
I ordered my shoes this weekend. I was going to go to a specialty shoe store but I realllly don't have the money to be throwing around and I already spent tons on my last pair (that don't work for running at all). I should have taken everyone's advice and done shoe shopping right the first time. But lesson learned! So anyways.. It too me a lot of tears to find this site (I was so torn on what to do). Once I found the site I figured it would be my best option. So I could start running again and not feel so darn miserable, without being totally broke until the middle of next month (Yes the miiidddlle of next month lol).
www.runningwarehouse.com I mostly do online shopping because I hate the fact that when I want to do anything that is more than a mile away from my home, it normally takes all day (or at least half a day) to do what I need to do, with the buses around here. Anyways, they give you a lot of different ways to measure your feet for running shoes. They also.... let you UPLOAD/SEND a video of you running on a treadmill and do a free gait analysis without you ever having to set foot in a shop. Each shoe they sell has specifics on each page about the shoe (that are in layman's terms lol). Me, I always feel obligated to buy no matter how nice/not pushy the people are. So this was great for me. They have a 90 day return policy (new and used). And I got my shoes for 74$.. They are for over-pronation (That's what I do!). And are supposedly better for heavier people.. and they came in a wider size than B (I got D's). So I am excited.. and they had free 2 day shipping and I get a couple other freebies.. I am happy :)
I shared this with my facebook friends tonight, thought I would share it with everyone here. Hopefully it will open up some people's eyes.. or help someone who may be struggling with some of the same emotions that I have been lately. I really hope to one day be an awesome teacher and motivator to at least one person. I really want to take what I have learned (and will learn) in my life and share it to whomever is willing to listen...
Every time I start to feel sorry for myself about not having "that special someone" in my life, or not having honestly any good/healthy relationships in the past 5 years... I try my darnedest to think about how not everyone's life is perfect... Someone may have someone special like that but may not have something else I have. I think about how many family and friends support me and how much we love and care for each other (even though most of us may be miles a part). I think about how much I have learned in the past 5-10 years.. no matter how much heartbreak it brought. I think about how I am actually working on myself for the first time. I think about how God knows how much I hang on to someone in a relationship and forget about myself, and somehow I feel he is using VERY tough love. I think about that one who will love me for me and not care what is wrong with me and not care about my past. That one, no matter how far away, how long it will take to get there.. is out there somewhere. These are just some of the things that keep me going, even when I feel like giving up.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I gained a little this week (about a pound and a half). I did switch my scale to a digital.. which adds 5.4 lbs.. but it is way easier to get a good reading with it than with the dial scale. I have been losing inches though, so that is always good.
I am going to get a gait analysis tomorrow for new running shoes at a local running store.. I tried running this week and I was reaalllyy hurting (the sides of my ankles), I am pretty sure it's my shoes. I love to run, I want to run so bad.. I can't wait to get the shoes darnitt!! And my next 5k is The Color Run on Jan 26th! Once I get these new shoes I am going to start seriously training for it. I actually realized that I can run from work to my house, it is 2.6 miles.. and there is another route later that I can take that is exactly 3.1 miles!! I am going to start off with 1 mile first then taking the bus the rest of the way home, and eventually get all the way home. 2 work days a week I will do it and 1 non work day a week I will run around my house. Incorporate strength training and elliptical again, and I will be good!
I eventually want to do a half marathon.. and then a marathon!! I am adding it to my goal list :D
I have been slipping with candy this week.. stupid me, I bought candy and a cauldron and stuck it on my desk for my team at work... even putting it on the desk next to me tempts me. Food has been so tempting around me.. very very very tempting.. and I seem to be giving in.. although last week it was a little less that I was giving into. But I have been having problems with portion sizes. I can't seem to get full at smaller portions. I AM doing better than the past couple weeks. But I am still not exactly to where I want to be food-wise.
But no matter what, I know that this will take time. This won't take just a week or 2 to change.
I went blonde for Halloween!! I am happy with it, it looks awesome!!
I took a comparison pic this morning, I don't see any difference, but I have been through a lot since week 7, so I am just happy I am maintaining and learning at the same time.. and not gaining everything back.
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