Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I don't really spend too much time on self-reflection. However, if you are on a journey to a healthier lifestyle, it does help to take a look back and see just how the hell you got here in the first place. In the spirit of that, I spent my walk today wandering the paths of memory, reminiscing about the person I used to be. And it has occurred to me that I have lost something important.
Anyone who has only known me as an adult might be surprised to find that I used to dance. A lot. Dance classes, recitals, and time spent dancing at the Renaissance Festival with a troupe when I was younger and then dances in junior high and high school, not to include the radio-blasting gyrations I did just doing my daily chores. I've always been shy, socially awkward even, to be honest, but for some reason I had the ability to slip out of that while the music played, leave my natural inclination to blend into the walls behind and just move. Something inside me craved that freeing experience, the laying down of burdens, letting my mind go and my body take over. For just a little while, I was happy and carefree.
Now comes years of bodily neglect, weak asthmatic lungs, deconditioned muscles, a smothering layer of fat, and fatigue brought on by eating all the wrong things and none of the right. It makes me wonder. Will I ever find that free-spirited girl again who could shed her inhibitions when the music played?
Honestly, I don't think so. She's gone.
However, I still stand a chance of finding the woman she should have grown into. And she is someone I really want to meet.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Though I experienced setbacks toward the end of 2010, I wanted to let anyone who stops by this page know I am still hanging in there. I gained back about 15 pounds at the end of last year, but I am back on track now with tracking food and regular exercise. I feel really good about where I am right now.
I've found a great new way for me to exercise too: audiobooks. I don't always want to listen to music, but having someone tell me a story really gets me involved in that to where I almost forget all the sweating and exertion that is going on too.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I haven't updated here in awhile, though I have still been working hard on my goals. Today I stepped on the scales to see 249.5. I've FINALLY seen the last of the 250s (hopefully). I've been going up and down in the 250s for months, partly because of being derailed with my exercise program due to severe fatigue. After talking to my doctor, she put me on a medication for PCOS. I am feeling better, am no longer losing hair, and just in general feel more motivated to continue. I'm proud to say that even during those months of fatigue, I didn't completely lose it and go back to my old eating habits. That's what helped me maintain through that rough time.
To help keep exercise fun, I am going to start swimming at a local rec center. I love to swim, but loathe anything to do with swimsuits or showing off anything more of my body than absolutely necessary (I don't even wear shorts). I have a swimsuit ordered, and I will have no more excuses not to go once it arrives. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I generally have a lot of anxiety over new experiences anyway, and this will be even more so with walking around showing off so much skin, but I'm determined to expand my comfort zone to include such things in my life.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Just a quick note to say that I'm doing better. I'm not sure why, but I'm happy for it. I had to push through that apathetic phase, and it's nice to know that I haven't damaged my progress as far as I can tell (weigh-in is on the 4th of August). I'm back to exercising every day whether I'm tired or not. I have to look at it as something that needs to be done, not something that is option if I "feel" like it, because whoever really feels like it? Maybe some of you crazy people out there, but I'm not one of them...yet.
Eating and tracking is working fine during the week, but I find myself sliding into poor habits during the weekends when I don't have the structure of a work day. Something to work on in the future.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I've been struggling for awhile with keeping to the exercise and daily logging of food. Apathy has set in, and I have had a difficult time shaking it. I've lost 30 pounds, which I should be proud of, but my blood pressure hasn't budged. I still have to take medication. My overall energy level is still extremely low, and I am having to force myself to move. I thought after months of developing new healthy habits that I would just generally feel better and have more energy, but that is not the case. I was able to push through the first months clinging onto the hope that tomorrow I'd feel better, that tomorrow would be a better day and a little easier, but after so many tomorrows without improvement I'm losing the urge to even try.
I'm not sure what is going on. I don't think there is something physical wrong since I had my physical and lab work this year with normal results. I've even had surgery to clear up my anemia issues and now take medication for insomnia so I'm getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night. What the hell? Even after all that, I'm still struggling to get up and moving every day, and I'm afraid that if this continues that I will just give up completely.
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