Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I need to write this out, this is a current assessment of me right now. Good and bad, I wanted to touch base with myself and get some things in order. My Sparkpeople photo gallery starts with the most recent pictures and works backwards to my beginning of journey.
My name is still Danielle. I am engaged to my favorite man in the world, Josh. We bonded over our own healthy journey's. We're both obese. We're both working on losing as much weight to feel as comfortable as possible on our wedding day.
In 2010 I began my journey to get healthy. I went hard and solid, I lost consistent weight from October 2010 until June 2011. Then something changed and I got a mental block about losing enough weight to touch ONEderland. Self-Sabotage city. Sept 2011 I met Josh and we've been together since, through physical and mental ups and downs.
I got really fit, and in 2013 I ran my first (and only so far) half-marathon. The training it took and the discipline to follow the training plan was incredibly tough. But it was a major accomplishment Im so proud of. After that I didn't workout much, particularly running. Since that event I kind of let myself go. Ive ran a few 5Ks and a couple of 10Ks. But im nowhere near where I used to be with my fitness level.
In fact, since the race I have gained about 40lbs. I was able to see 199.8 on the scale ONCE while training for the half marathon. My best friend Katie who I began my journey with gained back all 95lbs plus 20 more that she lost along side of me. I felt slightly betrayed by her change back to old ways. But then she felt betrayed that I wasn't there like I used to be now that I was living with Josh. My time was just plit between them and ultimately my relationship with josh became my main focus.
I went through a really rough time with anxiety and depression early in 2013 and im happy to say that i've been off of my antidepressants since May. I feel as though they COULD have attributed to my weight gain, but I know my lifestyle of being a Wisconsinite had much to do with it as well.
I continued to workout regularly- I woke up 2-3 times a week and ran before work in the summer. I used kettlebells and followed youtube workout videos. I didnt get into a set routine and I only stepped on the scale when I felt "light". I ate out, had treats, didnt monitor portions and "treated myself" to various foods several times a week. I believe that I DID use food a little bit as an emotional crutch when dealing with my anxieties. It did numb my brain when I ate, and sometimes my brain just needed a silencer. I really worked on figuring out WHO I am, what I enjoy doing and what I wanted in life.
Well this is who I am now. I am an active person, if I don't workout every 3 days minimum I feel low, sad, bored and anxious. I love the outdoors, winter is hard because my ears and nose get very painful in the cold. I love running at sunset and sunrise. I am curious about weightlifting and enjoy being sore sometimes- it reinforces my efforts of lifting. Im not a sedentary person. I must be doing something all the time. And I get the most gratification out of creating things. Some of my favorite hobbies are: cooking, crafting, online scrap booking, organizing and playing video games. I believe everyone has a soul and the soul needs to be nourished and spoken to. I believe very much in knowing your soul, and who you are.
I want everyone around me to succeed. I can be selfish, and at times entirely too selfless. I typically put others ahead of myself. i am extremely hard on myself at times and expect too much out of myself. I am hardcore, I do everything to the MAX. because of this its hard for me to focus on more than one large life-goal at a time. Right now it's WEDDING, WEIGHT LOSS, FIND A NEW JOB. I know I am doing too many things right now.
I am unhappy with my job. not the actual work, but the politics and certain people. Im looking to get out, be appreciated. Now that I actually fit into my size 18 jeans again I feel a bit better about myself. I was feeling very down about my body when my XL shirts were too tight. It affected our sex life. Our relationship, me.
I began my journey again On November 3rd. I decided to use my fitness pal to set up calorie goals. I track my workouts and try (my best) to not eat back much of those workout calories. I haven't been good the last two weekends. Overeaten and drank a lot. Do people honestly NOT drink every weekend? Im beginning to think it's not possible up here! Because if I dont have a few drinks ill be the odd one out, or it just seems weird to sip a soda at a hockey game, or eating cheese without wine. Or having tea while gaming. IDK, alcohol sucks and it's entirely too large a part of my lifestyle. Which conflicts with the healthy lifestyle i'm striving for.
I want to weigh less than 175. so I will only be overweight and not obese. So I will feel comfortable sitting on the floor, or maybe be lighter so I can run faster! I want to shrink my spare tire, I want to downsize my thighs, de-wing my arms. I really REALLY want to de-wing my arms by the wedding. while I might have loose skin, I want to not be nervous about extending my bare arm in my am-AH-zing wedding dress. I want to hug people and have them hug me back just as tight. I want to squash the bit of binge craving I get when I have a sweet. Just have one bit of chocolate, or piece of cake. Discipline and attention.
I believe that you won't be happy with yourself at your goal weight if you're not right with yourself at your near worst. I need to remember that when im feeling fat. Yeah it sucks to not eat certain things, to have to hold yourself back, to monitor EVERYTHING you eat. But in the end, you wont be thinking about all those unhealthy foods you didnt eat. I dont look back at my journey and think about the foods im missing out on. I dont remember what treats I didnt eat on treat day, or what the special of the day was in the cafeteria on that 3rd wednesday in June. No, i remember the healthy meals I made. The ones I enjoyed making, and they were healthy!
The toughest thing about this journey is finding the sweet spot. The sweet spot in your head when going out to eat isn't a "challenge" to eat healthy. You do it automatically. Because when you're trying to lose weight and eat healthy you have to TRY. And for some, me included, the fun of things is NOT having to try. I enjoy being spontaneous, not planning ahead and having whatever tickles my fancy.
It should be more taboo to enjoy cheezy, deep fried, breaded, broiled saucy. It shouldnt be an adventure to break the healthy pattern and "try the cheese curds and pub burger" I believe that after long enough, and after enough discipline it gets easy to order the chicken burger, no cheese and a side salad. Its got to get easier, it just has to.
Fitness. For me I need goals. Right now I dont have any goals to push me to go harder, faster, stronger. I just have "get in the gym 3-4x/wk" Maybe that's part of my problem. I need another event to put my hopes and dreams into. If my hip can't do running, maybe lifting becomes the front runner.
I don't know what my endgame is. I dont know what I want for my health/body 5 years down the road. Right now i need to focus on that March 5th 2016. Wedding day. I need to work at burning the fat. Clipping my wings, melting off my armpit fat and slimming my spare tire. If there's one time in my life to have incredibly high motivation, this is it. The next 15 months have the potential to change my life. And Josh's. On my most photographed day. The day we're saving for, the day ill be planning for, the day when all the people most important to me (us) will be in the same room. I dont want to get there and not be proud of my journey. I want to be proud of what love has helped me achieve, and Josh too. I want to go into our life together happy with myself, because when Im happy with myself I can be the best version of me for my family.
RAWR!! How's THAT for motivation Danielle? AWH, YEAH, What UP!? haha okay. well I killed some time at work.. now time to finish it and get my butt into the gym! thanks for reading.... or skimming. That was a long rant, but i feel confident now.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I am a little nervous for weigh-in tomorrow morning. I did not have a great weekend. I ate/drank over my calories for the weekend probably a total of 3000, so there's that pound I worked hard to burn the last week. I actually tracked everything on MFP, which was good. I was saying how I didnt think i did that badly this weekend, Josh said "welll......" and once I tracked everything... wellllll it wasnt good. haha.
I didnt workout Sat or Sunday either. I DID really enjoy my day off on Friday though. I got up, went on reddit for a while, went to the gym, got my car vacuumed and washed, and hit up Barnes and Noble for a new book. I ran into some old co-workers there so I chatted for a bit with them. Then I went home, showered and watched Breaking Bad. I had a good workout- burned 600 calories!
I also finished Breaking Bad this weekend. Bittersweet for sure. I knew part of the ending, but none of the circumstances leading up to it. I wanted a little more crazy... from EVERYONE. Oh well- another series in my bucket! Now I can power through Scandal- my god that show is incredible.
I am mad at myself because while I still havent had a cookie, cake or hard chocolate- I did have hot fudge and ice cream. I totally forgot about my chocolate pact with myself and had a concrete hot fudge and strawberry mixer from culvers. HOWEVER- I wont be getting anything from there in the near future. My god- my medium shake was over 900 calories. BALLLLLSSS! With that I got all of my sugar intake for the week in one cup.
Sunday I feasted on a naked qdoba burrito and an entire side of chips and diablo queso. whole thing was more than my calories limit for the day. So my head wasn't right this weekend. Which is why im nervous to weigh in. Ill be sad if im back in the 240s. I feel like im eating better, but apparently not enough to lose that much. And I need to reign it in.
Yesterday I was SO tired, not sure why, but I didn't workout because I wanted to get home and be comfy. But I have a plan for the rest of the week for working out every day. Sunday will be a hangover day so no working out then.
Ive been really preoccupied with getting my portfolio online and ready for applying at jobs. Ive applied at a few places- nothing dream job worthy, but could be a salary increase and a new start somewhere where I don't feel ungodly bitter at the politics.
Happy Tuesday- good luck everyone on the week!! :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Okay- so it's day 10. Balls it feels like it should be longer than that! But I guess ive done a lot in these last 10 days. Im comfortable with saying that only...2 of those days did I go overboard. A Saturday and a Sunday, go figure.
I do have to remind myself every day that I am not going to be like I used to be. I am minding my food intake. I am trying to be conscious of what I eat and how much of it. Ive been doing well with not snacking and keeping to eating only at mealtimes or scheduled snacks that fit into my day. I dont feel like i've been depriving myself at all- and I think I should start... a little at first. My average calorie intake has been about 1700 a day. Im starting small. Ive been saying my range is from 1200-1500, and about half of the days have been at or below that 1500. My lunches have been getting slightly larger in calories and my dinners ever so slightly are decreasing. I need to keep better track of how much I am eating- like don't just scan it, track it and move along.
I need to practice mindful eating- actually realize when I am satisfied and figure out what kinds of foods (i.e. protein/fats) keep me fuller for longer. I need to enjoy the food I AM eating and not worry about the bit of potatos or soup that I left in the bowl. Sh*t I should blindfold myself one night when I am eating. OOO EXPERIMENT TIME! Ill have Josh serve me up some food, and ill eat it blind. Not knowing how much is on the plate could be a REAL sobering experience in portion control. Im brilliant. I might just try that tomorrow at work. Ill turn myself away from my desk and just enjoy my leftover lasagna soup (guys it turned out really good! But a little watery and not enough juice, but tasts amazing!)
Ever since ive been young I have had a problem leaving food on the plate. It came from my dad who was drilled as a kid by HIS parents who probably got it growing up in the depression. No food left uneaten. Clear your plate! Finish your dinner! No leftovers! There are kids starving in Africa, eat for them! Ugh.... any adive to break that mentality? Chances are if I stop eating when I'm "satisfied" there wont be enough for leftovers. However, it could mean the difference of 100-200 calories! Which over like a week could add up to nearly a pound a week!
Its hard for me mentally to track 1.5 cups of tuna helper (hey, we're saving for a wedding!) and not eat all 1.5 cups of it. Inside I despise people who don't finish their food. Its like... disrespectful... dammit dad!!
So it's my Shark week so I weighed today (almost over) and was up 1.3lb from last week. OOO that chapps my azz. Im really hoping it's shark week.
I decided to have a ME day on Friday. I said UH UH NO work for me, vacation day please! I don't have any solid plans, but I am thinking that the gym will for sure be in order. Maybe ill shower there and head to Barnes and noble, maybe a haircut... some more bumming around... idk. Friday night Josh and I are heading to a going away party where there will be free bar food (best wings ever and fries and that amazing ranch you could just drink, but really its like 300 calories for 1/4cup so you really just want to throw it at the wall) I offered to DD for the night so hopefully just a few beers will be in the cards. We're so close to our friends house that we're carpooling with we could take a cab. BUT NO- if I say ill DD, I should keep that promise. Itll be best overall for me if I don't drink. Just not sure how realistic it is to say... god im so weak! It's FREE beer at a BAR- WAHHHH!
So we'll see how that pans out. Ive been working out pretty consistently. My running game has improved- on Friday I jumped on the treadmill and ran 1 mile non-stop! I was fired up about work and just felt like.. RAWR!!! I ended up doing a 5K in under 40 minutes... meh not terrible. Tonight I did 25 minutes on the ARC, awesome upper body strength and then ran 1 mile. Burnt some nice calories for the day! I still ate 1800 though. Stupid bagel dip at work.
With all the negatives ive thrown out there, I still have a positive i clinging to for dear life. In these past 10 days I have not had one minuscule tiny piece of chocolate, cookie, cake, ice cream or really anything sugary. Its been pretty cool. Temptations arent even that bad because I know it's not in my game plan to eat those things. I wish I could say that for cigarettes. I had 3 last week in one day out of hate and anger at work. Those times are hopefully behind me until next year.
So all in all I really wrote this to touch base with myself. If you've read this far, wow, congrats. Hopefully you don't think im TOO nuts.
To my girls BONOLICIOUS2, NETGYRL, THELILIA, ARUNNINGCAT, CHRISTIECAT- I love you guys. I know I don't reply to comments or keep up with all the awesome things you guys are doing enough, but I really appreciate your friendships and advice, and I am rooting you all on in your journeys. THANK YOU!!
Well I best get to bed- tomorrow's my friday and I THINK I have a ton to do. oh, and in case you didnt hear- we landed on a committ. Well, England did... I think.
Monday, November 10, 2014
My god this week is already better than last week! I finally am able to have a bit of breathing room at work. Im not swamped, im not stressed and I feel like im doing well in most areas of life. But let's get real, its only 1:15 on a Monday.
Either way im feeling good coming out of the weekend. I had a good time hanging out with friends, going out, enjoying a few martinis and a healthy restaurant dinner. I didnt workout this weekend at all. I really didnt feel motivated to! I did however, do a lot of housework. I cleaned the kitchen, picked up everything, sh*t ton of laundry and powered through tons of Scandal. I drank coffee, had an allergy attack, bought 6 new soaps at Bath and Body works and ate a whole frozen pizza.
I didnt eat chocolate, cookies or cakes. I didnt smoke. I did drink- JUST Saturday night. I had 1 pint of beer mixed w/ cider and blackcurrant juice (am-ah-zing!) For dinner I had an irish sampler. 3 3/4c bowls of each irish specialty- #1 Irish Guiness Stew, #2 Irish Pot Roast #3 Mini-shepard's pie w/ lamb. And a side of maple-glazed sweet potatoes. It was SO GOOD! Sadly I ate every bit of it. BUT it was stew and definitely much healthier than the fish and chips most other people got. Josh got meatloaf w/ mashed tatoes and mixed veg- he ate better than i did! But he did have two heavy beers. Still, prouda him!
Sunday I was so lazy! It was cruddy outside- not full out snowing yet- and I just kind of lazed about, snacked a bit. We made a dip mixed w/ sour cream and mayo (terrible, I know!). And I had a whole frozen pizza. Usually with the last 3 slices I just eat the cheese sauce and toppings. Too much crust is blech.
This morning I feel barely bloated. I actually fit well into my jeans and am weating a henly I was nervous about, but its not tight at ALL. Im on a good track! I am going to drink 4 times in November... but Saturday was worth it hanging out with friends and trying new martinis.
This upcoming weekend shouldnt be too bad. We've got a party out on Friday night with probably fee beer. Which isn't a challenge, I must remember that. And then the weekend after that I fully plan to be sh*tfaced at a hockey game with my party girl Rebecca. It's $1 beer night... come on, right!
Then is thanksgiving weekend. Its going to be a tough few weeks. BUT (i'm saying BUT a lot in this blog.... whoops) I have the bad days pinpointed, so I can work toward then. I can workout harder during the week. I can watch my food intake leading up to and after those days. Those days arent a free pass for the week, which I sometimes alow myself leading up to big events. No. These events are bumps in the road, they're not gradual hills, they're little things in my week that get stuck in my tires, or a pothole that I can plan for.
This week i am finally able to leave on time (I think) after work. So you KNOW im gonna do some work in that gym! I havent done strength in a while so this week that's my goal. Do lots of cardio and get all areas trained. Legs might be on Thursday or Saturday. Legs suck.
My annoying co-worker is gone today. Ahh its nice. She's not terrible, but we literally sit 3 feet away and right next to each other. I cant laugh or do anything without her turning around and looking at my screen. i always feel watched. I felt this way with my old one too, its just too tight of quarters in here.
Everyone have a great begining of the week! OOOO Maybe tomorrow i'll post a blog about the lasagna soup I am making tonight! Ill take pics- im really excited about it. Ive been on a big italian, tomato kick lately.
Saturday, November 08, 2014
ITs been such a great week so far! My November goals are going strong. Im probably going to drink just 4 times instead of 3. We had a spontaneous group dinner date come up tonight with our friends. Dinner should be fine, but after, Josh and I are taking them to a martini bar we love. There are over 50 fun kinds of drinks, is insane! Two and you're good I swear. So I think I will partake, but be aware of the unhealthiness of certain kinds. And again, only two!
I smoked as well. This week, yo. My god. I was about ready to call in sick or walk out of my job. I hated this week so much. My shark week is coming so I was all emotional and hormonal. But I get so mad about things and let them build up- I would get home late without working out and just be exhausted. Im hoping things have passed the terrible weeks at work. Half the problem is my attitude I know. So ill make an effort to have a better one WHILE looking for other jobs. I really need to get my design portfolio together, and fine-tune my resume.
Like I said I didn't have much time to workout this week. I think I just did Monday and yesterday. But working out on a Friday is a big achievement. I was tired later on when I went to a movie, but im glad I ran 2.5 miles. On Monday I weighed myself and was 247. YIKES!!!!! I knew the weekend was about as terrible as I could have made it. And there was ZERO holding back on my part. I had so much damn sugar it sickens me now!
I am still going strong on my no cookies, chocolate, cake etc... goal. I ALMOST messed up! We had a work meeting and I had a chocolate chip cookie from my favorite bakery on my plate. But my friend next to me said "I cant have cookies" and then I was like oh shiz! I cant either! So I put the cookie back. Seriously too- these are the best cookies ive ever had. I used to go buy one when I was shopping or near the place because just... UNG! But I passed. I can have one whenever I want- I didnt have it in my calorie goal for the day so I didnt.
My mentality has shifted a little bit. Im not seeing things that I would be "missing out on" but rather, things that I CAN eat, but my goals are bigger than a handful of M&Ms or a sugar craving. I let my wild cravings rule me long enough. Its time to reign them in and lock it up. Ill have treats when I am comfortable with my body again. And ill keep in mind that those cravings also got me back up 30lbs!
Josh has been doing really well too! He's been lazy with not working out, but he has read so many success stories of people losing weight with diet alone that he's determined to be one of them. Im hoping that once he gets down a little bit to where hes more comfortable with himself or being active he will get in there and set up some fitness goals for himself. Everyone has their own ways to success! Hes lost quite a bit this week already himself! So we're on a good track. We went grocery shopping and planned out healthy meals! No sweet treats- not so much as a granola bar did we get. Im proud of us!
I stayed under 1800 calories every day this week. Most days were under 1500 cals- which is my normal goal. Last night I went a little over on my dinner and had homemade pizzas. I definitely didnt need the two that I ate (they're just flat-outs with pizza sauce, cheese, pep and venison bacon) Way too much cheese. But I was still under 1800 yesterday with my food intake.
I was so frustrated with work yesterday (mind you I havent ran in over a week) that I got on the treadmill and ran 1 full mile non-stop. I couldnt believe it. I had so much energy built up from this stupid week I ran 1 mile non-stop. I havent done that since... early summer! EFF YEAH!
Today I should workout- but I might just settle for doing lots of housework. Our place is just... cluttered and dusty. Cat hairs everywhere. Because of these two buttheads:
Mr. Rusty- our cutest little buddy
Ms. Chloe- my fist kitty and my baby!
Here's Josh with Rusty- they're like.. bffs.
A VERY RARE instance where they're next to one another. Almost cuddling..
I hope everyone has a great weekend! Be smart, stay lean! Thanks for looking at my cats. haha!
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