Tuesday, March 18, 2014
High in weight that is. When I get into working out I kick A$$ at it. I stick to a routine, push myself and feel good! I set a goal for myself because it's easy to do something physical to meet the goal. But I also lose track of how I should be eating.
I think since I started my journey 3.5 years ago the eating has been my biggest issue. Well... it's probably everyone's issue lol. But it's been very difficult for me to maintain a healthy way of eating. Ive said it's difficult making meals for two every night- with different people come different preferences and dislikes. It's tough.
Part of it being dificult is making sure I am satisfied. But not overly. When it comes to portions I go overboard most nights. Not by a whole lot, but I would say up to twice what I have points/calorie allowance left.
I get really excited to eat, and most of the time I'm the one cooking so I am rushed to get things on the table and be done. Leaving myself to guess what the correct portion is. Otherwise I give up and just don't care about how much it is. I really wish I could figure out WHY I do so well (most days) at work and then just can't follow through at night.
That's part of the problem. I've always had an issue following things through to the end. I am a great starter, a great brain-stormer and creator, but I'm not a closer. I think what I need to do is really plan more. Slow down and take the time to measure out my portions, stick with my allowed amount and plan for freebie veggies if I need a bit more sustenance.
I hate the rigidity of plans so I tend to veer off course of plans. Im a gemini- so I was basically born with two personalities. And the two sides don't listen to each other. Somehow I need to make them if I want to drop these LBs!
I was really P.O.ed this morning when i stepped on the scale and saw 230.2. I feel some of it may be water weight since I was 226.4 Friday, but TWOTHIRTYPOINTFREAKINTWOOOOOO. NOO. Dammit. I by no means had a good weekend eating, it was pretty bad anyway even though i didn't go out/eat out. But my scumbag brain was like "oh you ran Friday and Sunday" so food doesn't count hur durrr.
UGH. Okay, sorry for the self-hating rant.
Does anyone have a good way to "break up" with food? To really become emotionally UNATTACHED to it? I know I need to find other sources of excitement and fun, that's a big part of it. Maybe I need to become very social so i forget about eating. Maybe I should try a cleanse? Or like a raw food diet for a week? Any good pointers there?
Any other advice? I was really frustrated. I am proud of the physical work I do, but my nutrition "work" is just feeble attempts at eating better. I hate to restrict myself from anything, but if I feel like a binge might happen then I need to avoid it.
Monday, March 10, 2014
But it could have been better. I didn't get a crazy big workout in, but i did go for a brisk cold 60 minute walk with J on Saturday.
Friday I did make myself proud though. J and I met up with a friend couple and headed to a Casino night fundraiser for Parent Resource Center in Fond Du Lac. We ate a quick dinner before leaving- I had a sammich. Then when we got there i didn't drink. WHAAA?! Yeah, I know. I actually didn't feel like drinking and I really had a great time without it. I did snack a little more on meatballs and mini sandwiches and eventually had one beer. But it was a big win for me! And I honestly did have a great time. On the way home I got a small strawberry shake from BK, and J got Tbell where I got 2 loaded grillers. So I wasn't able to make it a perfect night, but I made changes none the less.
Saturday I ate minimally and pretty healthy! I had a bagel with pb and cherry jam (soo good!) and that was all I had until wheat thins + chipotle cr cheese for a snack. I hung out with my sister and friend for the night. I Did have quite a few beers. But after the hockey game and some dancing I was fine to drive home. I got McDonalds.. I was so hungry! J ate most of my fries and then I had a buffalo Mcchicken and a McDouble. I was definitely over on points.
I had a small hangover Sunday morning when J made omlettes for bfast. After that though I was good! So I spent a good 2.5. hours vacuuming, picking up and dusting. At least I was moving, right?!
I have been weighing myself every day for the past week just to see the patterns and because i'm curious. I definitely weigh less the morning after a big workout. I came out of the weekend .5lb higher than Friday. And I am down 1.2lbs since last Tuesday! We will see what it will be tomorrow after a full week!
I feel solid. Like im in the mindset to make a different, long term, change this time. I just need to get a little better to make it a "lifestyle" change. Because my lifestyle is about as Wisconsin as you can get. Without the sauerkraut.
Running has been going okay. I'm slowly getting back there. i did a 5K last week with a time of 38:36. Meh! gotta shave 5 minutes off that to get back where I was. and I gotta shave 9 minutes off to hit my Sub 30min 5k! I start 12-week 10K training on the 24th. Woohoo!! It has me running 5 days a week plus one for XT which, come on, is not super realistic. I will do my best, but I will probably kill at least one run every week. Definitely keep the long run, XT, strength and intervals. Here's a picture of it that will probably be too small to read.
Today the high is 46º so I am going to attempt my first outside RUN in a LONGGGG time! Im hoping it goes well. I am going to shoot for a 5K time at least under 38:36. Ill post what it was later tonight!
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Wow- what an honor! And one I feel I don't entirely deserve as of late. True, I have been in an absent spell from SP, but weekly I do stop in to see how my friends are doing.
It's been a trying year for me since last February. I'm happy to say that I feel I have conquered my anxiety, transitioned into being ready for marriage and a future with my boyfriend, really come into my own and done a lot of soul searching and exploring. This year I did take the time needed just for me. I spent too much time not staying healthy or disciplined, but I did learn a lot from that as well.
I did run my first half-marathon last year and beat my 10K time by 5 minutes! After 18 weeks of half marathon training I have to admit I was burnt out. I didn't want a training schedule, I didn't want to push myself anymore. So basically the rubberband snapped back and was stretched out again.
But now... it's back to normal. I enjoyed my holidays and let myself indulge, drink and go a bit overboard on EVERYTHING. If there's one thing to know about me it's that I never do anything casually. I am either hardcore or very lax when it comes to training and eating healthy enough to lose weight. It's a balance i'm trying to master, but does anyone?
At my lowest weight I was 199.8- I think that was the morning after an 11 mile run. So it was for like a day. I hovered steadily around 203-208 for a long time. Since Last June however, I have gained about 20 lbs. And I maintained for SO long. But listen, I only gained back 20 of 90 lost. I can't be too mad at myself for it. I dont even regret it because I learned my boundaries. AND that when I am above 220 I am a size 18 again :P boo.
No matter! I am focused and looking toward getting into a (comfortable) size 14 dress for my high school BFF's wedding in June. It's been NUTS being the maid of honor and planning the bachelorette party in Chicago- AHHH!
These are my tools to help me reach that goal:
Follow weight watchers points+ and wirte everything down!
Get into the gym 3-5 times a week and do some kind of strength 1-2x a week
Begin a 12 week 10K training plan mid March
KILL my pace and hopefully get a 10K finish time under 65 minutes. Under 60 would be incredible
Keep supporting my boyfriend in his efforts as well. We're a team and when we both succeed its a beautiful thing!
SO there we go! I'm trying to take things one at a time and stay focused on me. I haven't blogged probably because I dont want to jinx my good mental and nutrition progress. the Physical part is always easy for me. It's monitoring what goes in my body part that's the hardest.
Thanks again everyone for all the recognition and congrats- I love this community so much. I credit a lot of my motivation and support to my Sparkfriends and many many sparkstrangers who are brave enough to document their own journey for the world to see!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I cant believe it's Thursday already! This week has kind of flown by. I am definitely feeling better than I was on Monday. Thanks to my Sparkfriends for making me feel a little better about not being on my game 100% of the time.
I haven't been eating the best this week- but I have eaten worse. Yesterday was a bad day for food. It was all sugary snacks too! I have this dilemma. I am signed up for treat day- which is every wednesday someone brings snacks for everyone. Then we go through the list until its my turn again. I spend about $25 for food on my days, and then everyone gets to eat the food brought in on Wed (everyone that's signed up that is) yesterday it was a Smore Cupcake, cookies and creme krispie treats, 2 smaller frosted cookies.
I also had 5 of my own oatmeal cookies at home. God that sounds like a binge. It was the first day of my Shark week so i wanted to eat everything in sight.
I'm not going to agonize over it because it's done, yesterday is gone and there's nothing that I can do about it. I can do good today! And I am so far!
This morning I had my yearly health screening where we get our levels tested for free at work here. All of my numbers were better last year except my blood pressure, that was just SLIGHTLY worse. And I gained 14lbs from last march. SO... could be worse. My mom has high blood pressure so I need to keep that on watch. It used to be very good- and usually is at the DR. lol maybe its just being at work that makes me get high bp.
I mentioned before that Ive been trying to run but my hip has been giving me BIG problems! Well I decided to really work it and warm it up before my interval running last night. And I'm okay today!! It hurts just a bit, but NOTHING like it was on Tuesday, I can actually walk.
That gives me so much hope because I started a training plan to kick some 5K butt for March 15th! Me and my sparkfriend Julie (JULS_MARIE) are going to meet up and run a Shamrock Shuffle 5k! Im so excited to meet her, she has done AMAZING on her own progress and looks so good. I dont think she's done much running before so i want to help her get into it! I don't have any race buddies around here so it would be awesome if she got crazy like me!
I am excited for this weekend- J and I are hosting a Superbowl Party on Sunday! His friends enjoy it and I like it because it's one of the few times that his friends and mine are in one place! So of course those 6 hours will not be healthy, but I do want to try limiting myself. If I drink I will probably just get a bottle of wine to sip. Something dryer so I savor it and just see to my hostess duties!
On Saturday I have a 5mi run to do according to my schedule. haha, I ALSO have a whole livingroom to clean and de-catify that day. Then a Pure Romance party with a couple girlfriends- LOVE IT! I might have to get something special for Valentines day *wink wink
Okay- back to work! Lots of stuff to do today! Have a great rest of the week everyone!!
Monday, January 27, 2014
UGH! I have a 2-day hangover on the fine Monday morning. This weekend it was my little sister's birthday and it was me that partied too hard. Typical. 99.999% I WILL drink again, but I don't want to be DRUNK for a very verry long time.
I think Im hitting that point where it's just.. sad for me to get drunk. I'm almost 29 years old and I think it's time to let go of that "party hard" mentality. Thinking about it the past few times I have gotten drunk like that I did some embarrassing things that just make me feel ashamed to be around my friends. It's pretty sad. Plus I smoke when im out drinking and I mean- come on, that's not necessary. I just feel guilty for doing it when I promised my boyfriend I would make a solid effort to try and quit that behavior.
I'm not going to sit and feel sorry for myself, that's the last thing I need. I need to let go of my guilt, no one is mad at me, nothing's lost except some pride. So I need to get a little more control on myself.
The winter has really started to get its grip on me. I have been feeling anxious and sad like I did last year. This year is different because I feel more secure in my relationship with J- so I don't get the paralyzing fear of commitment like I did. I do get pangs of doubt about us, but I honestly thing that my mind is learning toward a negative view of people and things. So having a pessimistic mindset isn't going to lead to anything good. It's been hard to stay positive. About anything. Sadly I have to admit that I have been turning to food for comfort, control and feeling good. Stealing snacks, keeping my hands busy, chewing. I think that I may have used to comfort myself with food, but didn't realize it. Now I am aware of that excited feeling I get when I know I am gonig to eat something tasty. Those "good" feelings obviously make me a little happier so I ultimately just feed happiness with food or the event of it.
Winter really is hard. Last night I remembered that this time of year (end of Jan-Mid Feb) is almost a mourning time for me because I have lost people around this time of year. Big one being my grandmother who I watched pass away with her 6 children surrounding her bed. I didn't have enough time with her- she was one of the most amazing women I've ever known. I was glad to be there- sad to watch my family's pain.
Times like this when it's tough to stay happy is when it's most important for me to focus on my blessings. I have such a great life with great people in it- sometimes I forget how much I need those people, and how happy they make me.
My boyfriend- he has been this rock who pushes me to talk things out. he listens, he cares, he helps think things out with me and most of all he still loves me unquestionably after hearing my truths. We have such an amazing bond that I know will endure through anything our future brings. He goes through dark times too- and I do my best to be open for him to talk it out! Guys don't really talk about feelings, or need to like girls do.
My sister- having her around has been so nice because I feel more at home with her around. She's still my little sister and can be a pain in the butt, but I love that we are closer now than ever. We had a 6 year age gap with made growing up together tough- we never really bonded or were friends. Now we are both adults living independently. We aren't necessarily emotionally close, but we're always there for the other and we're hangout buddies!
My best girlfriend- I think that it's important to have one of those. There are things girls just understand better than men- and everyone needs friends outside their relationships. I am finally at a point where I don't need her approval like I used to, I don't feel guilt for not always being available to her. I had an unhealthy attachment to her a couple years ago. Now I feel like my life is truly mine. Her and I are still there for the other, still rooting for the other to succeed and be happy in life.
My parents- they have been the best example of a relationship I could have. Their 29 year marriage has been the one example I use for the definition of love. Its been interesting to grow and see that they are not the perfect people I thought growing up. We have a good relationship, I love them so much and I feel that we are also closer now that my sister is near. Also having J makes me want their acknowledgement that I am in love like them. I want them to be involved in my life, especially when I have kids one day!
SO I have many people in my life who make me happy. I really wish that I could get a handle on my weight loss. Now I read about people who go from 230lb to 150lb- and I really want that! The healthy train will probably be in my life forever. I just wish that I would stay on it long enough to not need it so much. Healthy train never stops- its something that always is running and it takes work to stay on the right side of the healthy tracks. Right now I hop back and fourth weekly. I haven't progressed at ALL since the new year. I haven't gained any more weight, but that's just a happy accident.
I need to find my fuel again. I need to find the reason that drives me to want it. The reason to not settle for how I am right now. The drive.... It used to be easy. I remember that it would be a breeze to make it through a weekend without cheating. I felt so much quilt for having like 2 cookies. Now those "cheats" have become entire pints of ice cream and almost a whole pizza. My fails keep failing harder. Where's the discipline? How do I find it again? Discipline- that's the best word for what I need. I hate feeling like i'm neglecting my wants, holding myself back or resisting too many urges. What is missing is discipline.
Ouch- here's the definition of discipline: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
Well that sounds brutal lol. Here's a better one: a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or orders.
Being a rebel at heart I hate following rules. But I did it for a year and lost 95lbs- so WHY can I not follow my own rules now. Maybe because I share my lifes rules with J? We share a life, so maybe I need to figure out what's different about those rules in order to follow them. Instead of punishment I need rewards for meeting small goals. Rewards that aren't overdoing it on the booze or sweets.
God this Monday sucks! Heavy crap for this early in the morning. But it helps to blog- I feel better already. February is going to be a challenge. I have 4 weekends of events that will include food/drink challenges. I want to rise to those challenges and make myself proud for eating right and having a great time without being stupid.
I don't know about anyone else, but I am ready for a week of making myself happy and giving myself a reason to be proud. Come Feb 3 I want to feel better about myself than I am right now. In all areas of my life.
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