Friday, April 29, 2011
I was meeting with a vendor at work yesterday, and she noticed my BodyBugg on my arm. She asked what it was, and in the course of conversation, I told her that I've lost 82 pounds since last June. She was FLOORED. She actually said those beautiful words to me..."I can't picture you being heavy."
You could have knocked me over with a feather right then. I was absolutely and completely speechless.
See, even though I logically know that, as a size 14, I am officially "average sized"...I still *feel* like I'm plus-sized.
The tape plays in my head on continuous loop, and I feel as if, walking around wearing these smaller clothes--size 14 or Large, vs. size 24 or XXL less than a year ago--I'm some sort of imposter. As if people can still see the fat me lurking inside the skinny suit.
But that comment from the vendor? It has really made me think of myself in a new light.
According to the BMI charts, I still have, officially, 55 pounds remaining until I am at a NORMAL BMI. But strangely, when people ask me how much more I have left to lose and I tell them, "about 50 pounds," they look at me like I'm crazy. They even protest...loudly...that I should NOT be trying to lose that much, and that it'll be way too skinny for me.
They're crazy, mind you. LOL
55 pounds will bring me to 131 lbs....or a BMI of 24.9--the very, very top range of "normal". Is BMI everything? Of course not. And I will admit, I might be very happy to stop at 150 lbs. Or 165. Who knows?
It begs the question, though...how will I know when I've reached my ideal body weight? Will I even recognize it? Because, even though I look SO MUCH BETTER than I did 10 months ago..I am certainly not thrilled with what I see in the mirror when I'm naked.
Things are stretched out. Saggy. Baggy. Wiggly and Jiggly. And, in the particular case of my boobs...completely in the wrong place. LOL 30, 40, 55 or more pounds won't change the truth of the damage that I did to my body being morbidly obese for the past 20+ years. Or the fact that I'm almost 41 years old. Or the fact that I've been on fertility drugs, pregnant or nursing babies since January of 2006.
This business of losing massive amounts of weight is really, really, really strange. It's exciting to think about reaching my goal, but at the same time, it's terrifying.
When I look back over the past 10 months, I realize that I have accomplished something that very few people ever do...I have lost 82 pounds. EIGHTY TWO.
But in some ways, I wonder if the steps ahead of me will not be even more daunting. I'm starting to see light at the end of the weightloss tunnel...and I realize something. I am going to have to face some serious demons inside of myself on this next leg of this journey. I'm pretty sure I used food and the layers of fat on my body to cover up some serious wounds. As the weight is coming off, I'm finding some of those sore spots are still pretty raw...and I'm gonna have to deal with them once and for all.
God has given me so much grace to get through this..and I know that He will be there with me as I continue down this road. I just never expected to find that by losing weight, I would discover that the true healing I needed was not in my body, but in my heart.
One step at a time.
This is a beautiful gift.
Forgiveness...for others, and for myself.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It's been a frustrating couple of months. I am stuck.
I've been doing everything I know how to get the scale moving again...but...it just sits there...hovering around the same couple of numbers day after day, week after week.
I've tried exercising more. I've tried eating less.
I've tried eating more and exercising less.
I've tried upping my protein.
I've tried upping my caffeine. (ha!)
But still....the scale remains firmly set.
I started my DONE girls challenge on Valentine's day at 207.5 lbs, and now... 2 1/2 months later, as of this morning, I'm down exactly 11 pounds. I know, that's *something*...but goodness. I really have lost momentum. I was on a steady 10 pounds a month loss...and now...things have come to an unmistakable grinding halt. I finally broke into ONEderland on March 22, at 199 lbs....but now it's the end of April...and I'm STILL HERE. *boo hoo!*
MY SIZE AND SHAPE ARE STILL CHANGING!
So, so, so, sooooooooo happy about that! Here are a few pictures of us in our Easter finest:
And for comparison....here I was LAST year at our Easter egg hunt...feeling miserable and self-conscious:
I thought that sweater could *hide* it all...but can you see it behind that tree? OMG look at how BIG my stomach was!
And THIS year:
Thank you, SparkPeople! You've given me my life back!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
...and 79 pounds, GONE forever!! :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
That's totally what I feel like these days. I went shopping on Thursday night...just for fun...at Kohl's. It is still very surreal to me to shop in the "normal" sizes. My whole adult life, I've been overweight. It's honestly been at least 21 years since I shopped anywhere but the plus-size section, or at the few specialty stores that carried larger sizes. Let me tell you: it's a whole new world! I was almost overwhelmed at all of the choices! When you wear plus sizes, you are relegated to a couple of small racks in the back of the store...you know, those ones squeezed in there next to the maternity clothes section and the old lady clothes? So if, for example, you want to buy a pair of jeans...you have one, maybe two styles to choose from. And really...I just went with whatever could fit.
My, my how times have changed.
On Thursday night, I bought my first-ever-in-my-entire-life pair of Levi's. LEVI'S! We're talking, regular, straight leg (505's), no stretch, SIZE FOURTEEN Levi's!!!!! They're still a little bit tight...but they FIT! (They do create a little roll up top, but it's nothing my spanx can't handle!)
What a shame, though...even though they're "short" length...well...they just don't make jeans for people who are rockin' it at 5'0". LOL
So, I didn't make it to my Shamrock goal. I had hoped to be weighing in at 198 by now...but instead, I'm still hovering above that big number 2, at 201.5. It's SOOOOOOOO frustrating!! Every morning, I take my camera with me to the scale, in hopes that maybe today...maybe I'll see 199. I know it's coming...but man. I want it so bad, I can taste it.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Ok, so for this new challenge I've joined, the DONE girls "Shamrock Hop to Memorial Day" challenge... www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
9856262 ...we are supposed to post a picture of our inner warrior...the person who gives us inspiration to go for our dreams and kick total butt! I've been thinking about this all weekend, and for me, the answer is clear. Here is my inspiring INNER WARRIOR:
Yes, that's right. My inner warrior is my "BEFORE me". That girl who was hurting and self-conscious and always, always, always thinking about her size, and how uncomfortable she was in her body. That girl was so hopeless and afraid. She felt trapped by her own fat, and everything about her screamed to the world "THIS GIRL IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!" But somewhere, deep in the recesses of that girl's heart, something was stirring. That girl knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something had to change. And so, somehow...that girl reached down deep, prayed lots of prayers, and took a leap of faith. If that's not a warrior, then I don't know what is!
Here's a picture of that warrior, taken about two weeks into this transformation. She's all red-faced and sweaty, because she just got off the treadmill...her heart is racing and she's huffing and puffing....but look! Just look at that sense of pride and accomplishment!! She is so proud of herself because she just completed Week 3, Day 1 of the C25K program! For the first time, this girl felt like she COULD and WOULD conquer the fat, and would emerge on the other side VICTORIOUS!!
So, when I'm looking for inspiration...I just need to remember that yes, my kids and my husband may benefit from my weight loss and healthier lifestyle...my friends may all tell me how proud they are of me...I might even inspire a few people around me to get healthier, too. BUT...the reason I am doing this is simple: I love my inner warrior. She's always been with me, and she is amazing.
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