DANIELLEBREEN   14,697
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"I can't picture you being heavy." And other shocking comments...

Friday, April 29, 2011

WHAT???

I was meeting with a vendor at work yesterday, and she noticed my BodyBugg on my arm. She asked what it was, and in the course of conversation, I told her that I've lost 82 pounds since last June. She was FLOORED. She actually said those beautiful words to me..."I can't picture you being heavy."

You could have knocked me over with a feather right then. I was absolutely and completely speechless.

See, even though I logically know that, as a size 14, I am officially "average sized"...I still *feel* like I'm plus-sized.

Heavy.

Chunky.

Obese.

Such-a-pretty-face.



Fat.

The tape plays in my head on continuous loop, and I feel as if, walking around wearing these smaller clothes--size 14 or Large, vs. size 24 or XXL less than a year ago--I'm some sort of imposter. As if people can still see the fat me lurking inside the skinny suit.

But that comment from the vendor? It has really made me think of myself in a new light.

AVERAGE.

NORMAL.

Imagine that.

According to the BMI charts, I still have, officially, 55 pounds remaining until I am at a NORMAL BMI. But strangely, when people ask me how much more I have left to lose and I tell them, "about 50 pounds," they look at me like I'm crazy. They even protest...loudly...that I should NOT be trying to lose that much, and that it'll be way too skinny for me.

They're crazy, mind you. LOL

55 pounds will bring me to 131 lbs....or a BMI of 24.9--the very, very top range of "normal". Is BMI everything? Of course not. And I will admit, I might be very happy to stop at 150 lbs. Or 165. Who knows?

It begs the question, though...how will I know when I've reached my ideal body weight? Will I even recognize it? Because, even though I look SO MUCH BETTER than I did 10 months ago..I am certainly not thrilled with what I see in the mirror when I'm naked.

Things are stretched out. Saggy. Baggy. Wiggly and Jiggly. And, in the particular case of my boobs...completely in the wrong place. LOL 30, 40, 55 or more pounds won't change the truth of the damage that I did to my body being morbidly obese for the past 20+ years. Or the fact that I'm almost 41 years old. Or the fact that I've been on fertility drugs, pregnant or nursing babies since January of 2006.

This business of losing massive amounts of weight is really, really, really strange. It's exciting to think about reaching my goal, but at the same time, it's terrifying.

When I look back over the past 10 months, I realize that I have accomplished something that very few people ever do...I have lost 82 pounds. EIGHTY TWO.

E.I.G.H.T.Y. T.W.O.!!

But in some ways, I wonder if the steps ahead of me will not be even more daunting. I'm starting to see light at the end of the weightloss tunnel...and I realize something. I am going to have to face some serious demons inside of myself on this next leg of this journey. I'm pretty sure I used food and the layers of fat on my body to cover up some serious wounds. As the weight is coming off, I'm finding some of those sore spots are still pretty raw...and I'm gonna have to deal with them once and for all.

God has given me so much grace to get through this..and I know that He will be there with me as I continue down this road. I just never expected to find that by losing weight, I would discover that the true healing I needed was not in my body, but in my heart.

One day.

One step at a time.

This is a beautiful gift.



Forgiveness...for others, and for myself.



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHEFEY 7/25/2012 1:11PM

    Love this. Dealing with the things that make us overeat are extremely important. Good for you for realizing that now, instead of when you are putting weight back on!
And on a scoring range of weightloss related compliments, 'I can't picture you big' is totally at the top.
Congrats!

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HEEVENLEE1983 7/21/2012 11:34PM

  Thanks so much for the blog and with God everything and anything is possible.I don't know what I would do without the Lord by myside emoticon emoticon

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STORMYVAWN 5/22/2011 9:30AM

    Way to go. I hope to follow in your footsteps. You are a true inspiration.

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FITPRIS 5/1/2011 12:36AM

    Awesome!

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HOTRODSANDY 4/30/2011 10:49PM

    Loved your blog! I'm a little nervous about what my future holds having been over 200 pounds for over 20 years.
But to hear those words -'I can't picture you being heavy' will definitely make up for some saggy skin and the need for a powerful bra. emoticon

Thanks for the candid blog, and keep up the good work! emoticon

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WHIPPEACHZ 4/30/2011 9:14PM

    Wow... inspiring. I'm not there yet but I hope that when I get there I can handle it with the same grace you are.

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XPHOENIX 4/30/2011 9:06PM

    I just love you :) This is amazing... and so are you! So proud of you, honey! XOXO

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BETTERJULIA 4/30/2011 7:47AM

    Great job - I really see part of the amazingness of spark is that it encourages us to have a healthy life style which includes figuring out and facing those demons that pushed us to hiding behind layers of fat. Keep ROCKING it girl you are doing amazing!

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ONESTUBBORNTART 4/30/2011 5:52AM

    You're awesome!! What an amazing accomplishment. Enjoy!! emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 4/30/2011 12:37AM

    Congrats on the weight loss and yes God will help you through this too

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JECCABILL 4/30/2011 12:08AM

  what a great blog, you hit a lot of nails on their heads.

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KA_JUN 4/30/2011 12:00AM

    emoticon

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ANITA_NM 4/29/2011 11:34PM

    Great job! Woohoo!

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BACKINNB 4/29/2011 11:32PM

    Congratulations on your weight loss. I am not down as much as you, but I understand when people compliment my weight loss I am still in shock......
You are over the biggest hurdle of your journey, good luck with the rest of it.... emoticon

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HEATHIELAUREN 4/29/2011 11:32PM

    What an accomplishment!!! Way to go! And what a beautiful thing to forgive yourself.

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JULIEEG81 4/29/2011 11:30PM

    Great job on your weight loss. It feels wonderful when someone tells you that you look great. I'm proud of you and keep up the great work!

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SCOTTGARAN 4/29/2011 11:24PM

    Great job!!

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Rockin' the Easter dress! (and comparison to 1 year ago)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's been a frustrating couple of months. I am stuck.
Stuck.
Stuck.

Stuck.

I've been doing everything I know how to get the scale moving again...but...it just sits there...hovering around the same couple of numbers day after day, week after week.


I've tried exercising more. I've tried eating less.

I've tried eating more and exercising less.

I've tried upping my protein.

I've tried upping my caffeine. (ha!)

But still....the scale remains firmly set.

I started my DONE girls challenge on Valentine's day at 207.5 lbs, and now... 2 1/2 months later, as of this morning, I'm down exactly 11 pounds. I know, that's *something*...but goodness. I really have lost momentum. I was on a steady 10 pounds a month loss...and now...things have come to an unmistakable grinding halt. I finally broke into ONEderland on March 22, at 199 lbs....but now it's the end of April...and I'm STILL HERE. *boo hoo!*

HOWEVER...

MY SIZE AND SHAPE ARE STILL CHANGING!

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So, so, so, sooooooooo happy about that! Here are a few pictures of us in our Easter finest:







And for comparison....here I was LAST year at our Easter egg hunt...feeling miserable and self-conscious:





I thought that sweater could *hide* it all...but can you see it behind that tree? OMG look at how BIG my stomach was!





And THIS year:







Thank you, SparkPeople! You've given me my life back!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIRENNEA 4/30/2011 7:57AM

    Dont get hung up on the numbers of the scale...its ALL about the changes you see and feel in your body. You look great and it sounds like you feel a lot better! That is what matters. Screw looking at the scale! emoticon

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LIMOM2TWINS 4/27/2011 10:07AM

    Just Beautiful - I love all the new smiles :) I am also planning on doing an Easter comparison between this year and next - cannot wait!



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BACKINNB 4/27/2011 12:01AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Hang in there the numbers will start falling again. Maybe adjust your fitness, that will adjust your food. I was told to eat the max calories if my activity level is above what my tracker was set up for. On slower days eat the lower end of your calories. It will come off and you will be posting your success story! emoticon

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PURPLE180 4/26/2011 9:57PM

    emoticon emoticon

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FITPRIS 4/26/2011 9:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUSANMOMOF6 4/26/2011 9:53PM

    You look awesome and I bet you feel even better. I can only imagine the frustration of the plateau. So proud of you for hanging in there. It will break and you WILL get to goal! emoticon

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MAMABEARLEHMAN 4/26/2011 12:38PM

    What a difference! You look so much happier. It will happen for you, just keep sparking along.
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EM4488 4/26/2011 12:22PM

    AWESOME BLOG! I just love the last picture! You look stunning and SO HAPPY! Congratulations - great work!

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KIBAISREADY 4/26/2011 11:14AM

    Look at you girl! That's awesome!... Such a beautiful family! Wishing you continue success... emoticon emoticon emoticon

BTW, girl I know how frustrating it can be when the scale stalls.... keep with your program and keep it moving... that stupid scale won't have a choice, but to move.... emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/26/2011 11:16:22 AM

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CATHYHASSPARK 4/26/2011 11:07AM

    Hooray!!! you look lovely keep the good wo rk going!!

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ANNITAMOUSE 4/26/2011 9:42AM

    Love this post. All the pics of you with your contagious smile just got me. I am still smiling. You are so beautiful! Keep at it, it is a marathon, not a sprint. Blessings!

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ME_FIRST 4/26/2011 8:53AM

    You look marvelous and so happy with your beautiful family. That plateau will break soon. Don't give up. Yvonne

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XPHOENIX 4/26/2011 8:20AM

    Amazing difference and you are just gorgeous! Great photos. Your plateau will break when your body wants it to. You have done all you can and eventually it will show. Don't give up on yourself. You are amazing and you ROCK! XOXOXOX

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CHRISTINCOTA86 4/26/2011 8:18AM

    WTG!!! emoticonYou look emoticon

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a picture is worth a thousand words...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

...and 79 pounds, GONE forever!! :)


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSANMOMOF6 4/25/2011 3:34PM

    That's just wonderful-good for you! emoticon emoticon

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APRILSHOWER555 3/26/2011 10:25PM

    WOOHOOO!!!!! Congratulations on all your hard work! We are at about the same in our weight loss efforts! Continue to plug away because you are doing fabulously!

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KJMPEACHES 3/23/2011 9:59AM

    Awesome! Way to go. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BD3269PM 3/23/2011 6:33AM

    Congratulations!! Way to go!! A new healthy lifestyle is yours. Stay motivated and healthy emoticon

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FITPRIS 3/22/2011 10:26PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

You should be so proud of yourself!!! I know I'm proud of you!

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COMPUCATHY 3/22/2011 10:02PM

    Yay! YOU DID IT! WOO HOO! So happy for you! How exciting! Welcome to Onederland! Stay here forever! You can do it! (So I have to ask...did you try flip-flopping your meals? Did that do the trick?) Love ya! Spark on! emoticon

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DIASTER 3/22/2011 9:21PM

  We celebrate with you.Yea!!!!!

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LOSER05 3/22/2011 9:56AM

    emoticon

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MYRTLEBOO 3/22/2011 9:55AM

    Yay! Good for you!

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VICKIJAYNE1 3/22/2011 9:16AM

    Yipee!!!!!!! And check out your toes gorgeous! Awesome baby - down into Onederland! xx

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ANGALIA 3/22/2011 9:02AM

    emoticon emoticonCONGRATULATIONS!!!! emoticon

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XPHOENIX 3/22/2011 8:59AM

    Heck yes. I have a thousand words for it, also... but... I will only say OMG YOU'RE AWESOME! XOXOXOXO

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ROSES4UN4ME 3/22/2011 8:54AM

    good for you dont you just feel so much better about yourself when you are a few ibs less...


keep it up girl
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Impostor!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

That's totally what I feel like these days. I went shopping on Thursday night...just for fun...at Kohl's. It is still very surreal to me to shop in the "normal" sizes. My whole adult life, I've been overweight. It's honestly been at least 21 years since I shopped anywhere but the plus-size section, or at the few specialty stores that carried larger sizes. Let me tell you: it's a whole new world! I was almost overwhelmed at all of the choices! When you wear plus sizes, you are relegated to a couple of small racks in the back of the store...you know, those ones squeezed in there next to the maternity clothes section and the old lady clothes? So if, for example, you want to buy a pair of jeans...you have one, maybe two styles to choose from. And really...I just went with whatever could fit.

My, my how times have changed.

On Thursday night, I bought my first-ever-in-my-entire-life pair of Levi's. LEVI'S! We're talking, regular, straight leg (505's), no stretch, SIZE FOURTEEN Levi's!!!!! They're still a little bit tight...but they FIT! (They do create a little roll up top, but it's nothing my spanx can't handle!)




What a shame, though...even though they're "short" length...well...they just don't make jeans for people who are rockin' it at 5'0". LOL


So, I didn't make it to my Shamrock goal. I had hoped to be weighing in at 198 by now...but instead, I'm still hovering above that big number 2, at 201.5. It's SOOOOOOOO frustrating!! Every morning, I take my camera with me to the scale, in hopes that maybe today...maybe I'll see 199. I know it's coming...but man. I want it so bad, I can taste it.





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COMPUCATHY 3/22/2011 10:00PM

    Yay for new jeans! In the regular sizes! Sweet! You look great! I'm so happy for you! Woo hoo! emoticon

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FITPRIS 3/21/2011 8:13PM

    It'll happen!! Just stay focused!

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TAILSCHRIS 3/21/2011 4:19PM

    I am so happy for you!! I can't wait. . .headed there myself! Under 200 will come cause the other way is no longer an option!! Bet you never thought you'd feel that way!!

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BEINGGUIDED 3/21/2011 3:10PM

    Congratulations!!! That is great.
I bought my first pair of jeans in a department store just the other day.
I am in a 24/26 now, meaning I am no longer confined to just one or two actual stores that carry 30/32.
It is soooo exciting!
I can't imagine how great you must feel. Good work!

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XPHOENIX 3/21/2011 3:03PM

    Look at you, hotness! :) WOO HOOO!!

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HIPPICHICK1 3/21/2011 11:48AM

    I know just how you feel!!
Keep on keepin' on Grrl!!
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JUSTLYLE 3/21/2011 8:03AM

    I got a kick out of your NEW experience at the try on at Kohl's. I remember the first time I had gotten into a 36" waist at a Peneys store. I tried to get the skinny saleslady as excited as I to no avail. Good for you, Sparks is GREAT!

Skeeter emoticon

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ANGALIA 3/21/2011 1:05AM

    I too am at 201 and my first goal is 199! emoticon You are doing great! I think I might cry when I finally get under 200! LOL The jeans look great on you! Keep it up! I know how great it feels to have the non scale victories! emoticon

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GEOPENGUIN 3/21/2011 12:33AM

    yeah, but you're getting there! great job!
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LKBRIDGE 3/21/2011 12:22AM

    That is wonderful and the jeans look great-you will be under 200 in no time. Keep up the good work and buy more jeans!

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LKBRIDGE 3/21/2011 12:22AM

    That is wonderful and the jeans look great-you will be under 200 in no time. Keep up the good work and buy more jeans!

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LKBRIDGE 3/21/2011 12:22AM

    That is wonderful and the jeans look great-you will be under 200 in no time. Keep up the good work and buy more jeans!

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My inner warrior!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Ok, so for this new challenge I've joined, the DONE girls "Shamrock Hop to Memorial Day" challenge... www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sageboard_thread.asp?board=3838x9674x3
9856262
...we are supposed to post a picture of our inner warrior...the person who gives us inspiration to go for our dreams and kick total butt! I've been thinking about this all weekend, and for me, the answer is clear. Here is my inspiring INNER WARRIOR:




Yes, that's right. My inner warrior is my "BEFORE me". That girl who was hurting and self-conscious and always, always, always thinking about her size, and how uncomfortable she was in her body. That girl was so hopeless and afraid. She felt trapped by her own fat, and everything about her screamed to the world "THIS GIRL IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!" But somewhere, deep in the recesses of that girl's heart, something was stirring. That girl knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something had to change. And so, somehow...that girl reached down deep, prayed lots of prayers, and took a leap of faith. If that's not a warrior, then I don't know what is!

Here's a picture of that warrior, taken about two weeks into this transformation. She's all red-faced and sweaty, because she just got off the treadmill...her heart is racing and she's huffing and puffing....but look! Just look at that sense of pride and accomplishment!! She is so proud of herself because she just completed Week 3, Day 1 of the C25K program! For the first time, this girl felt like she COULD and WOULD conquer the fat, and would emerge on the other side VICTORIOUS!!



So, when I'm looking for inspiration...I just need to remember that yes, my kids and my husband may benefit from my weight loss and healthier lifestyle...my friends may all tell me how proud they are of me...I might even inspire a few people around me to get healthier, too. BUT...the reason I am doing this is simple: I love my inner warrior. She's always been with me, and she is amazing.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PROMISE2DESIGN 2/23/2011 2:12PM

    RIGHT ON SISTER!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OHSOCOOLLISA 2/23/2011 12:25PM

    AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME!!!! You are going to ROCK this challenge.

SPARK ON!

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HIPPICHICK1 2/22/2011 1:14PM

    emoticon blog!!
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FITPRIS 2/21/2011 11:43PM

    emoticon

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MYRTLEBOO 2/21/2011 5:40PM

    Great blog!

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CO-CREATOR 2/21/2011 2:20PM

    What a wonderful inner warrior! You are an inspiration!

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XPHOENIX 2/21/2011 9:08AM

    You amaze me... all the time. What a great response to my challenge. YOU GO GIRL! XOXO

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