Friday, August 01, 2014
I am keenly aware of time. I've been that way since I was 6 years old... I can't say I always take it seriously or use it wisely, but the passing of it is like a ghost that haunts me. I used to think I was just born this way; worried that I was going to let precious fun minutes slip through my fingers, but I later learned that, for me, life's timer was set when my grandpa passed away.
It's true, I was very small, and had no concept of death. In fact, I'd only had 6 short years to get to know him, but what I did recognize, as though I'd always understood it, was the agony, grief, and pain that encapsulated our family, striking down all the big people whose job it was to be happy and capable of caring for me and my brothers. It only took one second for such serious changes to occur, and as a result I became a clock watcher.
I couldn't stop the clock, nor did I have any clue what my overall goal was, but I knew that if I could just stay awake forever and take notice of every tic and toc that I was at least doing what I could to not let anything get past me or my family. Of course, all of this was fear based, and what really happened was that I became overwhelmed by the daunting nature of the job, depressed at my overall powerlessness to stop time when I deemed necessary, and in the end, an insomniac that devoured whatever food I could get my hands on.
Needless to say, after forty-some years of clock watching... I have come to grips with the fact that I will never be able to quit the job. And, though it has and continues to play havoc with my life at times, I have learned that some amount of clock watching is imperative; that what has to change is my purpose for doing it.
We live in a world where so many take time for granted... it is believed that tomorrow will always be there to fix the mistakes or hurtful acts of today, and that dreams can always be picked up and pursued at a later date.
We have this day, minute, second to grab onto and make beautiful before the next one steals it away... let's not be afraid... let's be bold and let all of our clock watching push us towards whatever happiness and fulfillment we deserve. Let's not dwell in the past, nor hate in the present.
We all know time flies, so just think about how quickly our goals and dreams can truly be realized!!!
Best wishes to all!
P.S. I've been sleeping better... funny thing, getting a little rest seems to make me more energized for my daytime clock watching duties :)
Thursday, July 31, 2014
I live on top of a hill, Dobler Hill, to be exact. Word on the street is that it is about a 9% grade and the longest hill (about 1/2 a mile) at that grade in the county. I haven't gone out of my way to verify these statements, but I can tell you that if I let my car coast by the time I reach the bottom I'm flying at about 80 mph.
I walked that hill today... both ways... when going down, I pretty much had to focus on keeping my legs under me and not eating the freshly laid gravel... when coming up, it was all about my heart rate and making it to the next spot suitable for a nose dive.
I kept thinking to myself, as I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes "Surely this is blasting my pipes clean!" and "Man, I hope the pump holds out!"
The feeling I got after coming around the last bend and seeing my mailbox, well, it was indescribable... maybe Columbus felt the same way upon seeing land... all I know is that I didn't know if I would ever see it again, and when I did I knew a miracle had taken place.
The pride I felt as I drug my right leg behind me down the driveway was immeasurable, and if I could have lifted my head up high, I'm telling you, I would have!
SparkFriends... Old Dobler didn't beat me... I was the winner... and yes, it's taunting me right now as I jot this down for you... calling me names, daring me to do it again.. and I think I might!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
I got hitched... just the other day, in fact. I wasn't sure that would or could happen again. Oh, I knew it COULD happen, logistically, but I really didn't know if I had it in me to give it a try after spending, well forever, pretty much on my own (not counting my kids, of course).
I have to admit that in the years since my divorce... I had devoted myself to becoming an independent entity that moved and grooved according to my own will. I was holding on so tight to ME that the idea of sharing had dwindled to a small speck on a speck of thought, but as time went on that became highly unsatisfying and lonely. So, I did it... I said to heck with independence and said "I do".
Rob, I, and our guests partied it up in Bohemian style... bright flowers, flowing gauzy skirts, and hippie music. My mom and grandson made bejeweled sun-catchers that dangled from the trees and as the breeze twisted them this way and that, they gave off blinding sparkles.
I could feel the sparkles traveling in through my eyes, zapping my brain, and healing my soul. Little pops of sparkly inspiration, gratitude, and joy rained upon all of us as we danced, and laughed... and surrounded there by all that love I began to see I was meant for connection; that I needed to sparkle once again and share it without holding back.
I was reminded of you!
My sweetest SparkFriends... that's what you are to me, sun-catchers casting sparkles of love, hope, and acceptance my way.... thank you for your example, for never holding back :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Have you ever been just going along in your day when all of a sudden you realize that you're really there?
It's hard to explain, but sometimes I will just be involved in some simple task or whatever and all of a sudden become acutely aware that I'm actually doing it.
Sometimes, when it happens I think to myself "Wow, who knew I'd ever be here doing this?" Since my divorce and all that that encompassed these little spells have fallen upon me quite often. I liken it to when people talk about paralell universes or an out-of-body experience, only they're way less exciting than all that.
What do I hope to gain by talking about it? I have no flippin idea, but I feel compelled to tell you that I believe it means something... that there's a huge message to be decoded and shared from those jolted-to-awareness moments.
If I were to guess I'd say the messages have everything to do with finding peace in one's self, perhaps a gentle reminder to just be satisfied and grateful for the opportunity to take in a breath and contemplate the hugeness of it all. To accept that we cannot predict the future, nor can we change the past... That all we really have is the moment we're living in and that in it is contained all of life's elements and energy to be used wisely or tossed away carelessly by choice.
We are so special, the mere fact that we can, for the most part, choose to take life a minute at a time, think about where we'd like to be in say 10, 20, or a bazillion of them is such a precious gift, and it is my hope that each of us will do whatever it takes to not allow even one more to be stolen, contaminated by negativity, or worst of all ignored or treated as if it doesn't have the power to change our lives completely.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hi my sweet little Sparklers...
I'm just wondering about the manufacturing of mirrors... LOL... I mean, is there like a recipe for all mirror making or is each mirror making company like a grandma that just throws a pie together?
Here's the deal I have 3 mirrors in my house... well, that I seem to routinely see myself in. The first is in my bedroom attached to my dresser, and it's wide, thus it makes me look wide (hate that mirror). The second is long and narrow in the hallway... it makes me look sort of long and narrow (my favorite, I might add)... the third is divided into 3 doors on the medicine cabinet... and well, if I arrange them just right... ohhhhh yessss, it quickly becomes the mirror I could French kiss (no I haven't, YET).
Anyway, unfortunately, it turns out that for some sick reason I want to know the truth, that is, which mirror is lying to me? Is there no such thing as a truthful mirror? There needs to be a test.
I'm not saying I'd keep or even remotely use the honest mirror, but at least (depending on my mood, and mental stability) I could choose to embrace either the truth or the lie on my own terms... you know, like I seem to do with everything else in life.
And, ughhhhh, don't even get me started on the mirror I looked into at Target... that one tried to tell me I'm getting age spots on my cheeks... hmmmm, is that so I'll runout and fill my cart up with concealer and foundation??? Makes a person wonder doesn't it?
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