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Crushing

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

There are few times in my life where I would say I was truly depressed. Many times I would tell you I was just being a baby about a lot of things. But today, I can't breath. I cannot smile. I cannot concentrate. I went to work this morning, hoping it would take my mind off of my real world problems. It did not. Instead I spent two hours trying to not cry at my desk (pretty miserable failure). So many things are bad with me right now, and I honestly do not think I can change a lot of them. The worst part is they have completely extenguished my spark. All the new energy I was getting, all the fire I felt building inside to make me a stronger, healthier person is completely gone. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. Just want to lay there until this thing called life moves on and forgets me. I can't do that of course. I have to work, I have to be a father to my boys. Those are the two things I am good at. I suck at being a husband, suck at being a friend, suck at being a healthy and atheletic person.

The weight of this world I have built around me is crushing.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANADERRICK 6/11/2014 4:31PM

    It sounds so cliché, but God really doesn't make no junk. It also is so easy to say, it will get better, but take it from another one who has been there, done that, it WILL. If all you can do it eat one reasonable healthy meal a day, then do that. Every day, do that one thing. Sooner or later, you will be making another better decision. And it will get better. Try to focus on what you want, not on what is lost. We are here for you! emoticon emoticon

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WOODSYGIRL 6/10/2014 7:09PM

    Sorry--I didn't think it posted the first time so I had to try to remember what I wrote! Apparently I've now posted twice...dang laptop!

I've been here more times than I can count and I refer to it as the Gift of Desperation. I've walked into my OA meeting more times than not feeling like absolute garbage, but I was still there. And that's what you did. For the past two years your life has been in an uproar, but what you did differently this time is you reached out to your spark family. That alone is a step. Allow yourself today to feel like crap and just wallow in it if you have to. This is the only day you have to think about. We can do anything for 24 hours that would kill us if we thought we had to do it forever. And in this 24 hour period, break it down into 5 minute increments if you have to. I can tell you that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are right this minute is not where you are going to be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Not every day is going to be gung-ho enthusiasm with limitless positivity. Not only is that not realistic, it's not even healthy because a person gets burned out. But the days that are really good and you feel really good balance out those awful self-esteem beating days. I have to remind myself constantly that "feelings aren't facts." While what I'm feeling has value, whether positive or negative, it's not factual. I'm not nearly as bad as I think I am, and I'm also not as good or clever or smart, etc that sometimes I think I am. My emotions tend to want to dictate "what is" and that's just not going to happen. Where you are at today is perfectly ok. You reached out and shared what you are going through and that is a step--a spark if you will.

Comment edited on: 6/10/2014 7:11:29 PM

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WOODSYGIRL 6/10/2014 6:59PM

    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.

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WOODSYGIRL 6/10/2014 6:59PM

    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.

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WOODSYGIRL 6/10/2014 6:56PM

    Let me just say that God doesn't waste the hurt. Where you are at right this minute isn't where you are going to be a day from now, a week from now, a year from now. But for today this is where you are-- AND THAT IS OK!! You've reached out to your spark family for support--that's not the sign of a quitter. Not every day is going to be zero to 60 with enthusiasm and positive emotions - that's not realistic or even healthy because a person will crash at some point. You only have to focus on this day, this 24 period of time, even if it's in 5 minute increments. There are days when I focus on breathing from my stomach for 5 solid minutes and let all the negative, life-defeating emotions just come at me. I let them come, but continue focusing on that breathing. When the 5 minutes is up, then I move on to doing what needs to be done for the next 5 minutes. My life the past 3 years has been hell on so many levels and I struggle with deep depression more than I've ever realized. And yes, I think I suck at everything and with everyone. But I'm also aware that those feelings are coming from a place of desperation because I get paralyzed by the fear, the anger, the failure. Someone in my OA meeting told me to be thankful for the Gift of Desperation because it prompts you to move in some direction. Not always forward, but moving nonetheless. It's ok to give yourself permission to wallow in all the crap you've been through and just feel like crap for today...my guess is you've had many other days like this as well given all the past two years have brought you. But look what you did differently this time that you didn't do the past two years--you reached out to share yourself. That step alone shows there is a "spark". And for today, it's enough.

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A_RARE_BEAN 6/10/2014 12:18PM

    emoticon I agree, the fire isn't gone, it just feels like it is. Wishing you well.

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QNOFHARTS 6/10/2014 11:21AM

    As your friend, I can tell you: You do not suck at being a friend. That is worth repeating. YOU DO NOT SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND.

I am so excited that you're back in our lives. The hiatus was unfortunate, but completely understandable. The fire isn't gone. If it was, you wouldn't have made this blog entry. Find the spark. It may take some patience, but it's there and you'll find it again. :)

One of my favorite quotes: "Its not easy, but its worth it. Now repeat that everyday."

Love you. emoticon

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Inspiration...Two cents

Friday, June 06, 2014

Inspiration comes from a lot of places. For me personally, I am inspired by cheesy speeches, results, and competition. These things drove me to love nearly 150 pounds last time I lost weight. Those things made me a better person and more driven as a whole.

This time around though, I have learned a new trick. I find myself being motivated by my friends. Dear friends who know what I am going through in my personal life and are willing to take the time out of their busy days to look at me with my story and put their two cents in. Its not always positive. Sometimes it is destructive. But I use all of it. It is all fuel for my tank. I need and love it. Spark is obviously great for the positive. But friends, family, and sometimes perfect strangers also fuel the fire, making a spark in my life.

What inspires you?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOODSYGIRL 6/7/2014 8:56PM

    I like this a lot. I agree that you make use of all forms of feedback. Negative or positive, both can give you perspective. And I'm glad that those closest to you aren't shying away from what you've been through and can have those honest conversations. That can be very helpful in the healing process.

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JAMBABY0 6/6/2014 11:03PM

    That's great! I hadn't thought of that!

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One foot in front of the...

Monday, June 02, 2014

Another day done. Walked with my furry team mate tonight. Walked 32 minutes, 1.85 miles. It was not hard heart rate wise. But my feet and calves are not happy about it. I figure I will switch between runs and walks until I my legs get used to the impact.

But as I walk, I feel my lungs getting stronger, my legs remembering how to push. But most importantly I feel the stress of the day washing away. I started the walk burdened, I finished free. A weight lifted. Even if it was for a small amount of time. Exercising gives me mental strength and discipline. Something I desperately need.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MCFITZ2 6/2/2014 11:18PM

    Yea!!! Great!! Oh is your furry team mate a horse, a cat, a monkey, a dog?

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NEWBIRTH2014 6/2/2014 10:43PM

    emoticon emoticon

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144AUTUMN 6/2/2014 10:31PM

  Keep up the good work!!

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Here I stand....

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Well… what an amazing long amount of time since I last came on here.
Everything has changed in my life. When I Iast came on here I was 218lbs, healthy, strong, and felt amazing. Family was good, career was good. Amazing how things can change.
I sit here my friend’s house. I am divorced, fat, weak, have a good, but troubling career. But here I am. Not sure what to do or where to start. But one thing dawned to me as I took my boys back to their mother. I was once part of something amazing. This website, this community, this lifestyle that is SparkPeople. This amazing place is my salvation. It is something that I desperately need and there is nothing like this site anywhere else on the internet.
So I am back. I have been eating well. I am running 3 to 6 miles a week, walking my crazy Pomeranian a mile a day. I have not had a coke in over a week. I eat well, not great, but much better during my lapse.
So as I post this, I am smiling. I know this community will give me what I need. The people of this amazing site will support me when I think I have no chance of being happy and healthy again.
I’m Back!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QNOFHARTS 6/2/2014 7:48AM

    Hey! I'm so glad to see you back on track. I've definitely miss you!! My email is still the same - will you send me an email so i have your new one? Hopefully we'll see you this weekend at the Bday parties. :) emoticon

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LKEITHO 6/1/2014 10:36PM

    So sorry about all the hard times you have been through. I'm very glad that you found your way back to SparkPeople - I hope all of your friends here can support you in this new phase of life.

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SEPPIESUSAN 6/1/2014 10:35PM

    Welcome back! You will get back to just as fit as you were before, keep it up!

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WOODSYGIRL 6/1/2014 10:02PM

    Hello my friend! I have thought about you many times in all these months hoping you were doing well. I am so sorry to hear how rough life has been for you. I was just stunned reading your post. The past couple of years have been hard for me as well with my mother getting breast cancer and it has now returned. Lots of issues on the home front and job changes--and almost all of my weight is back on, too. We'll get through this season though. I am SO glad you're back! I haven't posted much, but I'm here too!! Let's do this!

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Great Start to the day

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I woke up this morning at 4:00 AM like I normally do… hit the snooze a time or two, until my wife yelled at me to stop it. HAHA I rolled out of bed, stretched, went downstairs made some steel cut oatmeal with cinnamon and raisins and did some pushups to wake up. Thus far it is pretty routine morning for me. But I got onto spark, doing my e-mails and sparkpoints when I read through a few of the MOD’s included on the e-mails. I love those things. Generally highly motivated individuals kicking butt and taking names.

Well I don’t remember her name, but the one I read this morning really motivated me. I loaded up the bike with my garment bag, which included my running shoes because Tuesdays are a run day for me), checked the tire pressure and headed up with a zip to my ride. This morning was very muggy and around 85 degrees at 5:00AM (welcome to Florida). But the sky was clear and there was a decent breeze.

At about mile 5 (which is past a few hills and the start of a nice level area of my ride) I noticed my average speed was 19 mph… hmmm that is two mph faster than my normal. Let’s kick it up a bit. I pushed my speed to 23 mph and felt great. I said to myself at this point “Let’s take advantage of this straight and kick it up some more. I was able to push to 26mph for about 5 miles. Keep in mind I do not have a race bike. I have a commuter designed to hold my 20lb bag on the rear rack while living through the rigors of biking to and from work on rough roads. An ultralight bike would not make it through the route I generally take. So after my sprint, I had a really good sweat going.

You know the sweat where you turn your head and a gallon of sweat slides off your face. Yeah!!! I had that going. I felt awesome and was coming to my gradual up-hill climb to work. I generally average between 15 and 17 mph through this area depending on wind and energy level.

Well my energy levels were an 11 on a scale to 1 to 10. I was not going to slow down. I was breathing so hard I felt like I was sprinting, but I was not going to stop. My legs were getting tired though, so I dropped a gear and upped my cadence to allow my legs to rest a little and let my heart and lungs take up the slack.

I finished my bike ride with a new record time. That is a double awesome accomplishment.

Accomplishment 1:
I beat my time!!! WHOO HOO!!! My previous time was 58 minutes 26 seconds to bike the 21 miles to work. I destroyed that time with 52 minutes 59 seconds

Accomplishment 2:
I beat the time with my garment bag full loaded. I carry with me a bike kit that includes two tire irons, a spare, a tube of bike chain lube, a multi tool, and an air pump, a shower toiletry bag, a shirt, pants, boxers, undershirt, belt, dress shoes, sunglasses, towel, iPad, wallet, cell, and as previously mentioned my running shoes. All that weight adds up. I have not weighed it, but I would guess the bag weighs 20 pounds, if not more. My previous record was without my commuter gear because I took two days of clothes the day before. So I was without bag!! This time I was fully loaded and still destroyed the record!!!! WHOO HOO!!!

I got to work and was still amped about the ride. I decided to run on the treadmill in the AM and will run again tonight. I did two miles and felt so great I averaged 8:45 per mile!!!

Point of the story, Sparkpeople can motivate you at times when you do not expect it. We all have the ability inside us. It is out minds that hinder us the most. Push past those mental fears and find your true limits. I leaned that this morning. Hopefully my mind will not fog my true limits again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LKEITHO 7/12/2011 10:49PM

    Fantastic ride! No way I would have been able to keep up with you! And then to go and do the treadmill! All you needed was a swim and you would have had your own triathlon! Great job!

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WOODSYGIRL 7/12/2011 7:18PM

    Way to go, buddy boy!!!! So proud of you for pushing past your limits and starting off your day with awesome accomplishments! I hope your ride home was just as enjoyable! Keep going strong, my friend!

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KRITKRIT 7/12/2011 10:46AM

    This blog is AWESOME!!!!!!!

What a way to start off a Tuesday!!!!

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HARVESTMOM 7/12/2011 10:37AM

    wow! this blog post is so motivating to me ! to think of all you accomplished before I even had my first cup of coffee!! wonderful!

my goal has been to wake up at 6am so I can get a run or swim in before the kids wake up - you've just given me some of that motivation to wake up tomorrow!

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HARVESTMOM 7/12/2011 10:37AM

    wow! this blog post is so motivating to me ! to think of all you accomplished before I even had my first cup of coffee!! wonderful!

my goal has been to wake up at 6am so I can get a run or swim in before the kids wake up - you've just given me some of that motivation to wake up tomorrow!

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LUVS2WIN67 7/12/2011 10:36AM

    That's an awesome accomplishment already today!! Good for you.
I love when Spark motivates me to do something more, push myself more. Have a great day!

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