Sunday, April 27, 2014
Hello Sparkies!! I know I haven't blogged in so long or even changed my status or spent more than a short time in here for so long. But I haven't left, I haven't gone mad, I am still a Sparkie. And dam right-I'M NOT MAD!!! Oh but believe me, for the last few weeks I was beginning to look at myself sideways!! I was questioning my own sanity. And I have been depressed quite a bit, but I believe I am finding myself again. The Shell I know, the weird, and even eccentric one-but not the "Mad Shell". As I've mentioned in a blog or two I have a thing about being called,or treated as if I am dumb. I grew up believing myself to be extremely dumb and maybe a little retarded.
So my first week or two were great, I loved it at my new job. Until a worker that had been there awhile started saying how I was too slow. And at first she meant at getting the job done-speed. No, not because of my weight, but putting the routine into action and doing it as quick as possible to make the routine work just like a routine should. Well, me being me has always hated routines, avoided and did whatever I could in the past to be not a routine person-as much as you can with routines to follow-if you get what I mean. I started to like my new job less and was suffering depression quite a bit of the time. Then one day when she was saying again how slow I was and she thought I needed more training, I got annoyed and we had a bit of a verbal fight. I still had more orientating to do at that stage. Things went down hill from there. I yelled to her some stuff that she was "not so brilliant at" etc and she said ah your thick. And it went down hill from there. It made her hard to work with, if I was working with her. And somehow I seemed to fit what she said "thick". It's like I would do stupid things, or not express how I'd been shown or told how to do certain things of the routine or how they do them at work.
I was starting to think I was mad, or going mad. Then today when I came home I thought of "menopause" and looked that up. It said being "perimenopausal you can get a "fuzzy brain" or brain fog or memory trouble due to the lower estrogen levels. Which can have an impact on the neurotransmitters which effect mood,and cognitive function etc. It was like a load off my mind, because the last two or three weeks I have been doing odd things and not seemed like a very smart cookie at all.And I am not a brain box, but I'm not a complete moron either. So, I am hoping now that I know what the problem is I can do something to help it. And to be a valued employee, and not a waste of space. In NZ they now have a three month period when you start a job where if they are not happy they can dismiss you from the company. So, I better show my boss and workmates that they need me!!
PS/// And blogging is always a good way for me to express myself as I do express myself better in writing. So thank you Sparkies !! I hope you have all been okay and I am sorry if I have seemed neglectful as a spark friend. It's been a busy and trying time.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Hello Sparkies!! It has been awhile since I have updated what I am up to. I have been dropping by daily, but have not had as much time to hang around. My new job is going well, and I am almost finished doing orientation. Although next month I have a formal orientation day, to complete the ins and outs,and rules, regulations etc of my job. I am a caregiver at a psycho/geriatric hospital. It has a small amount of residents, approximately 50. And it is set into different parts depending on their physical/mental ability. I am enjoying it and have been really busy doing it, it is shift work.
As for my health/weight loss status-ummm sorry what was that again??? I am still aiming to get back to what I had reached on my ticker. I am more ranging a few kilos over it 110-113 ish. But, believe me when I get back there I will be happy. Turning fifty is still my motivating goal right now. Although getting there much earlier like say thirty or fourty would have been great. But hey, I know we can't turn back the clock. Getting under 100 by the time I am fifty is my least expectation, and yes I know it is all up to me. And I can do it, so I better put them words into action.
The picture is in February at a friends house. I got to go up and spend a couple of days with her before I started my new job.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I got the job. After today writing a blog about how dumb I felt because I thought I was going to get the job. And then every time I rang , not hearing back I got it.
It is exciting and it is scarey. A new journey and a new direction after eight and a half years doing the job I do at the moment. Wow, I can't believe it. I am on annual leave at the moment so it is really an ideal time to be moving jobs. I start in March. Yipppeeee. I got it!!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I grew up believing I was really stupid. As well as being self conscious about my weight as a kid I also was very self conscious about feeling really dumb. Which is one of the reason's I used to not talk often. I mean I did block so much out, that is how I handled my childhood. I did have it drummed in my head from a young age that I was : "an imbecile, retarded,lunatic, cretin etc" referring to dumb. And I have believed it ever since. Except over the last few years with my soul searching-about seven or eight years, I have learnt to accept myself the way that I am-even if I aren't super quick mentally. I often do things or say things and I wonder "why did I do that, or say that??" Stupid things that either make me look like a fool, or just plain dumb things. But as I said I had leant to accept that part of myself, although I have always been very sensitive to being called an idiot or for people to think that I am.
Recently I went for a job interview. It was a long interview and I thought I did okay. I got to do an observation shift at the place I applied for. To see if it was for me and also I guess for them to see if I was okay for the job. I did that shift and saw the boss afterwards. He said he would talk to my referees etc, and to call back if I hadn't heard by Friday. That was last Friday. I decided to ring back on Monday-this week. And I got the lady who answers the phone there(typical-you have to go through someone to talk to who you want to talk to)she said he was on a phone call. She's get him to call me. Talking to her, I sounded like a gibbering idiot. I rang again this morning-early. The lady who got the phone said he was at a meeting. I rang again half an hour later and she said he was with someone. Both the times today I didn't say who was calling.
Last night I was in bed thinking how I would juggle a couple of my clients from my currant job to do with the job I'd applied for-(still believing I may still get the job). The job I do at the moment I have clients who I go to their houses to care for -personal care and housework.My hours were not enough and I applied to a place that is an institution where they live. Well this morning I woke up early and my brain started thinking of all the odd stupid things that I had said in the two episodes that I'd seen this boss. After all these years trying to rethink about how I see myself-not dumb, but not a super genius either. Now here I am going back to how I used to believe about myself. I had accepted myself as being not a master mind, but not an idiot either. And I really do say and do odd things at times. So what am I getting at?? Scars don't heal over night, childhood abuse and truama don't just vanish. As much I I try to move on and not let yesterday spoil my present and future it will always be there. Preferably not in the here and now constantly following me.
People often don't understand how some of us carry past truama and difficulties etc into the present day. How we don't just leave it behind and get on with it. Healing is not a fast process for some people-not emotional healing. And as much as we know it hinders our growth, scars can be deep.
For me doing every day things can be a struggle sometimes. People might not realise it, but while my son was growing up and I brought him up on my own with no adult support I so often struggled. It was hard, I had nobody to turn to and I have always felt alone in that sense. As a child with everything that was going on there was no one for me then and I have always felt that way.
This is not meant for any purpose what I am about to say, well not pointed anywhere or at anyone. But please don't judge people by your stardards of what you manage well and what you believe people should be doing. Some of us really struggle. I have found that I express myself so much better in writing than verbally. Verbally I can be such a clutz, I can't say how I feel or what I am meaning to say that well. Don't judge a book by it's cover, that cover might be only one tiny facet of the story. It might not even look like it belongs to that story, but the depth involved might be so far from what the cover shows.
I am going to ring the man again to see if I got that job or not. I just need to know rather than wasting more time. I can handle a no, but being held waiting is not great. Please don't judge!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
If I looked through your eyes
at the world~
what would I see??
Would I be surprised~
Or maybe mesmerised~
Could I walk in your shoes~
if I saw through your eyes??
Would I feel what you feel~
could I understand~
where you've been~
What would I see??
if I stepped in your shadow~
Envisioning your emotions~
seen the places you've been~
Hearts may be broken~
Would I see that??
Could I touch what you feel??
Should I even imagine~
that I know how you feel??
I like writing and I was playing my daily bingo game on facebook and this one
entered my head. Sometimes stuff just comes to me. A word or a phrase and I go with it.. The truth is none of us have lived anybody else's life and as much as we follow a similar journey we have different places we have been.
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