Tuesday, August 28, 2012
"The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem."
For so long, I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m ‘normal’, that I don’t have an ‘eating disorder’, & that I could stop over eating whenever I wanted to. The fact of the matter is, I DO have an eating disorder and I am feeling so far gone at times that the thought of ‘just stopping’ frustrates the mess out of me. So here it is, I have a problem.
I wish it were as simple as just saying no… But, for me, it’s so much more than that. The thought of food is constantly on my mind. I wake up, thinking about what I’m going to eat- running to the kitchen to only eat junk food, such as pizza or chips, for breakfast which then only makes me think that I’ve messed up my entire day (the all or nothing mentality). I go to bed, thinking about what I’m going to eat in the morning, even sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to go into the kitchen to eat anything/everything I can get my hands on then going to bed feeling sick to my stomach and missing out on valuable sleep which then causes me to feel sluggish and irritated throughout the entire day. All throughout the day, I’m obsessing over which fast food place I want to go waste money on or how many bags of chips I should grab from the grocery store to inhale within a matter of minutes. My anxiety goes through the roof and at times, I feel completely alone and I think that makes everything worse. I use food as a way to numb myself from the world. I never really feel my feelings, I just eat them.
If I’m feeling angry, for some reason I feel like I’m punishing others by taking it out of myself by stuffing myself so full that I end up forgetting the reason I was mad in the first place… Completely wrong, I know. When I’m feeling upset (sad, frustrated, nervous, etc), I turn to food to fill up that empty feeling. My life has revolved around food for so long… Too long, actually.
I always thought that in order to even be considered to have an eating disorder, it meant that you had to be severely underweight and starved yourself. Yes, that is an eating disorder… However, it’s not the only one. A 500+ pound person can have an eating disorder. I’ve struggled with this my entire life, never really understanding why I’m this way, but over the past couple of years it’s really been making more sense to me.
I’m tired of losing the same five pounds, over and over and over again (I’ll stick to a diet plan for about a week and lose five pounds, then reward myself by over eating which only causes me to gain it back. I need to get out of this mindset, I know). I’m tired of letting my eating disorder control me and take away from the things I should be doing. I’m tired of thinking about this constantly. Over the past year, I’ve been getting more and more depressed and have found myself giving up on me completely. It’s a very scary thing and I no longer want to sit back and allow the monster (I call my ED a monster, because in my opinion that’s exactly what it is) suck the life right out of me.
I don’t want to binge anymore. I just want to get better. I want to prove to myself that even when the odds are stacked against me, I’m strong enough to get through anything. Deep down inside me, there is a girl who is ready to fight. I’m ready to let her out.
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