Friday, January 11, 2013
I recently dug back in my old pictures to look for something lovely to use for my opening screen on the Ipad Mini that Santa brought me. I keep fighting the urge to call it a minipad.
So that is the picture I chose. That is my grandfather, whom we called Pop. I have come to realize that he's one of the best people that I've ever known. That sounds weird. Of course I always loved him, and we had a special rapport and he was an awesome grandfather. But he was the kind of person whom everyone loved. He was a positive force, saw the glass as really full even if it had been knocked over, loved my grandmother with all her warts (and in fact wore his rose colored glasses when he looked at her), was kind and respectful to EVERYONE. He was also funny as hell. Gosh I find myself smiling as I write this, I'm so sad today and struggling to keep my head up.
When he finally passed away at age 92, my husband told me he wanted to remember how Pop never complained about how he felt or that he was ill and was just pleased to be wherever he was and make the best of it. I'm really off on a tangent - but I think one of the secrets to longevity is the ability to take change and make it yours - keep moving, accept that the world and your life are not static, and do the best you can with the hand you're dealt. It doesn't mean blindly accept and not try to change what you do not like or see as unjust - but accept sometimes, you will fail. And you just keep trying. And loving.
So this picture was taken in November of 2008. And it's got some of my very favorite things in it!
In the center, as noted, you have the amazing man, Pop. He'd just turned 90 that summer and now when I look at that picture, I think holy cow - sure he looks like an old dude, but does he look 90? He is an inspiration to me.
On the right you will see the delectable little Miss GILDA. Gilda was our second pug. She was with us for a very short 18 months. She was a raggamuffin little scamp, who arrived at our doorstep with some baggage we hadn't known of, grabbed our hearts and ran! She was a delight and joy for nearly every minute....her illness was hard on us all and I felt she was cheated.
And on the left, you have THE MAN. This is my little gem, my world, my delight. An all-too scant 8 years ago this month, this little man entered our lives. We'd just lost our cat Murray. We always called him 'our son'. No, my husband and I do not have human children and I know furbabies are not the same as human ones! Well, Murray was with us for 14 years and his loss was devastating. I'd been yearning for a pug for years, but was more a 'cat' person. And Murray was an ONLY CHILD. Those of you with furbabies know, sometimes you've got a personality with you who says...."um, listen, I'm the only one, ok? Got it? DO NOT bring any other living creature into this space, because I absolutely am not able to share".
I felt getting a pug was different, and Murray would have been deeply offended had another cat been allowed into our home.
Enter CUBBY!! Yep, that's him. We didn't really know how old he was. Rescue said maybe 6? Our vet said maybe 3? 5? no clue! He came from Jacksonville, was apparently found wandering around. Can't for the life of me imagine someone intended for him to get away! What an amazing life force he has been....
So we're drawing to a close. I feel calm - much as I did when Pop died...he's had a long life and one as great as we could make in the time we had. The next few days won't be easy. We don't want to misjudge. The vet said he will try to keep going for us, even if his body tells him otherwise. And we do not want to do that to him.
He's sleeping right now. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do today. Hubby had to leave and I have to get to work...might go in and just came back home a few times. I could take him...but we might have visitors in the office. Dunno. Looking forward to being off the clock, so I can hold my little treasure as much as he can stand (which is a lot, mind you). He loves his snuggly pouch - I call it the meat pouch but it's basically a snuggly for small dogs.
Gonna buy some special cans of food for him today. And we will celebrate him for the next few days as much as he is able.
sorry kinda weird post but it's just where I am! He's my world.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
About 2 weekends ago (Friday 14DEC b/c I had to go back and look), I had a long tiring day at work and felt like doo-doo when I got home.
My throat was sore and scratchy but more dry than anything else. I was exhausted and decided that I'd best be cured by sleep but was fearful that I was getting a cold. I was slow all weekend, had trouble eating, and had to make myself eat on Saturday, but had a normal dinner (no binging, yay!) at a party. Dr had just increased my ADHD medication, so I thought it was the side effects.
Sunday afternoon, I hopped into the shower after my workout, and got out to glance down and see that my trunk was covered in a rash. Dark, flat, fleckly looking, and everywhere. I have food allergies, but nothing on my head where it usually turns up. Called in hubby to look at it, and he said, Looks like it's going away - it's NOT BAD! It didn't itch.
By this time, I had several sores in my mouth. I told him my throat was still scratchy - really really scratchy and dry but not sore, and that I felt like I had lesions in my mouth. He looked with a flashlight and mirror but didn't see much. It felt like I had scratched up my mouth with some really hard bread or potato chips. Or like when you bite your cheek and it doesn't heal. I showed my friend at work on Monday - she said, OH sometimes it takes a week for my mouth to heal when I've bit my cheek. I had an appointment later that day for my annual exam. The 'ladies' kind. So I did avail myself of the opportunity to visit with a medical professional and asked the nurse practitioner. She said...that rash is a virus. You can't do anything about a virus anyway, but it means your body is fighting it off and doing what it's supposed to do. Unless it gets worse, don't worry, etc.
By this time I had blisters on my feet. I had run on Sunday, so I figured my toes were sore. I couldn't see any erupting, but it felt like I had blisters that I couldn't see. And my fingers hurt. By that night, I saw small little red marks on my fingertips and some of my toes. But the rash on my trunk was going away. AND my appetite had returned with a vengeance. Tuesday I felt worse - still lesions and sores in my mouth, but nothing visible and these painful red blisters that never really came out but were in clusters all on my fingertips and several toes. I showed my husband and we were thinking maybe I'd hit the doc in the box. But it seemed to start getting better.
I did the feverish internet search. The self diagnosis....HAND, FOOT, & MOUTH DISEASE.
Which comes from saliva or stool (?) and frequently seen in children. Not to be confused with Hoof & Mouth disease. I read a lot of descriptions that adults might not have all the symptoms, or perhaps not as bad as in children, who might have horrible fevers, huge blisters and sores in the mouth, on the head, and blisters on hands and feet. I couldn't think of any children that I might have had contact with. We'd had a party the weekend before, but all adults. Stumped. Decided I might just be crazy. Cause, you know, how often do you actually self diagnosis from the internet and are correct? Like, never, right??
Fast forward to now....
My symptoms gradually went away, much to my relief. I was actually afraid to tell people at work, b/c I thought what if I had really had this illness - and baked cookies that I shared?
Plus, that weekend, I had baked 8, yes 8, loaves of bread to give as gifts. Pumpkin cranberry and chocolate chip oatmeal.
So yesterday, we had dinner at a friend's house. We've been going over there for Christmas day for about the last 3 years or so. They were at our breakfast on the morning of December 8. We had lasagna and garlic bread with salad. Nice dinner, good conversation, we took my brother and a dessert. We are nearing the end of the evening, when the wife says...OH BOY, we got ....... HAND FOOT AND MOUTH disease from our grandson!!!!!
He is about 2 1/2, and lives about 2 hours away. He'd gotten it at day care, and was miserable, had been taken to the pediatrician, who did the scrapes to make sure it wasn't anything else. SHE got horrible blisters on her feet and was hardly able to walk. He didn't have it quite as bad. From what I read, you can have a fever or not. Lots of blisters or not. They both got sores on the scalp line - which I suddenly remembered I had also gotten. so she had more oozing painful blisters and sores, he had almost none, and I just had painful sores with no erupted blisters, somewhere in between. Sounds like I was QUITE fortunate!
So I don't know why it was so very satisfying for me to learn that YES, I really did have this gross childhood form of cooties. I found it online after searching for days and it really is what I Had! That is not likely to ever happen again. So for those all you other internet hypochondriacs... We need to face facts that we're usually WRONG WRONG WRONG.
sometimes, You just might have that ookie thing. But probably... you don't.
PS....I can't post without a hefty dose of guilt. At the doctor's office, there are signs everywhere, stating that if you have any cold-symptoms that might be flu, you must leave and notify them and reschedule, b/c they don't want you breathing around the pregnant mammas and babies there.
I wasn't licking anything. Or sneezing, oozing, or otherwise spreading wet cooties to my knowledge. I was also obsessively washing my hands b/c I was worried I might be spreading cold germs. So I hope that I was not the cause of anyone else's ookieness, especially not a pregnant mamma
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I feel like I need to keep track of where I am here for my own sanity so I can look back at the 'progress' and I can't even think of where to start. That tells me it's been too long since I checked in!!
I finished my Ultimate Yogi quest 2 weeks ago today! Wow now that I write that, it feels like longer. I have not really done a lick of yoga since. oopsie! I really enjoy the structure of a program and have been going back and forth over what to do next. But that ties into my habits and my foibles....
On my mental health front, last week I started a medication for ADHD. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this diagnosis and if it's really accurate. On the surface, I do see that I meet many of the criteria (procrastination, lack of focus, high energy, chronic lateness, etc) but it still doesn't fit with the image I have of myself. My mother always used to say that medicine is an art and not strictly a science. I do want to talk with the doctor next time about the many questions I have - she wanted me to check in a week after I started this med, but of course there weren't any appointments, I'm on the cancellation list but my next visit with her is not til next week.
I DO want to remember the frustration I experienced at the pharmacy. Seethe. Apparently what I got is a controlled substance. Whoa. And now there are new(er?) laws in place to monitor pharmacies and there are limits on how much of these meds they can order to curtail drug seekers. Um, ok. So the first place I went to was OUT. They called 2 more places (after I begged) and I ran over to the place that still had some left. Then I got subjected to a HUMILIATING 3rd degree by the pharmacist. Mercifully there were no other customers there. So I get it's TOTALLY correct that she should ask me for what diagnosis I am taking the medication. She wanted to know what else I was being treated for, what other meds I was taking. But what on the surface might have been a "let's make sure you are not taking anything else that will interact in a negative way with this drug, and that you're not a drug abuser..." became more about part 2 than part 1.
Pharm "What's your diagnosis".
Me Um. ADHD.
Pharm "Did you ask the doctor to diagnose you with that?"
Me Brain " Are you EXPLETIVE kidding me?". Mouth "um. no." fell hot shame creeping up.
Pharm "Here's how much the copay is. See?"
50.00 (wow!) "Do you still want it? Because, you know, this is a medication for children. That's probably why it costs so much. Because this is a child's diagnosis, and adults can control their behavior"
Me (fill in blank here....long silence.....stare at the paper and look at her) And I am supposed to say what here? OHHHHH, right, No, Kind Lady, I am absolutely an adult over 40 years old, and I CANNOT CONTROL MY BEHAVIOR, Would you perhaps like to know about my eating disorder or any other embarrassing personal information that might be required in order to fill the prescription that my doctor has given me to help me get healthier or???
What I said....."UM, yes?"
Pharm "So you see how much it is, you want me to fill it"
Me "Are you saying that if I were a child, the copay might be lower, OR that I should call my insurance company and ask them? Can you please fill it?"
Pharm "Oh, yeah, maybe if it's for your CHILD but you should ask them. I just wanted to be sure"
THEN when I paid, I got the quiz about what else I was taking and for what diagnosis. And you think you should ask me that before you dispense the medication if you have some concerns about the drug interaction? I understand if the laws are such that the pharmacist feels she must be careful but can we find another way to express our concerns that does not imply judgment of my diagnosis in a way that implies that I'm weak or otherwise unable to 'control' myself? Cause part of my illness is THAT I'M TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING and I CAN'T.
So thanks lady, that was really, really fun.
I haven't even told my husband all the details of what I am doing in therapy. Because it is embarrassing! I feel GUILTY and ASHAMED. I talked to my dad on Saturday, and I told him - there are things I am talking about in therapy that I have not been able to be honest about with you nor hubby nor brother, and I am not able to share that with you right now. He understands....so that is great. Anyway...I feel better about it now. And I do really understand that she was trying to do her job. She just did not do it well.
I am nagged by doubt that this diagnosis is not correct and yet there are so many reasons that I believe that it is. So when I go back to the psychiatrist next week, I will address those concerns with her. Plus tattle on that stupid pharmacist b/c it will make me feel better but accomplish nothing else. At least I can talk to her about my concerns and ask her to explain to me what other factors help her diagnose me so that I can understand better. I had to fill out a self-report, which she also asked that my husband fill out, plus of course she has talked to me. so I know she is a doctor but I just need it spelled out more
I have a bias. Many years ago, my first 'grown up' job was teaching. I only stayed in the field for 3 years. Long story but I never felt comfortable with what I was doing and that I was pretending and ineffective...story for another time. It seems to me that it was the time of the initial burst of popularity/commonality of the ADD & ADHD diagnosis. I had many many students on Ritalin. Frankly, after interacting with the kids and parents, it felt as though many parents had difficult situations with pre-teen kids (this was middle school) and that many of the children were 'diagnosed' and medicated and in fact they were just being kids. I did have many students who truly did seem to have these issues and benefited from the treatments, but it seemed like it was a popular thing at the time, and just too many people 'had it'. I just got to feel like for some people it was an easy out, and not the right diagnosis. And by no means do I intend to imply that it's not a real diagnosis or that the treatments are incorrect or that I was passing judgment on the parents. I'm not a parent, and I know it is a very hard, albeit rewarding, road, but I'll never assume I know what it is truly like.
Now I'm really off track but getting this out, whew, what a relief.
So fast foward to me now - I have trouble understanding how a stimulant is an effective treatment for someone who fidgets incessantly and has 7000 thoughts competing for attention, and has the attention span of a gnat. The doctor explained if this is the right diagnosis, I will have immediate benefit and that I will not get 'hyper' but rather find that my thoughts are calmer. She said it will help my brain put the brakes on. So the first day - AMAZING! Wonderful! Each subsequent day....less so. I don't know if it's b/c work is truly awful right now or if it's not working, need different dose, not right diagnosis, etc. Will have to wait and see.
I am concerned as with my therapy the progress felt rapid at first and also feels that it has slowed to a crawl. While I'm not currently having anything to drink really, which sets off my binging a lot, my binging is hugely better, and no purging for over a month (so long ago, I'm not even sure and I DON'T want to try to remember when), I am swapping out other behaviors for those things.
I'm still having some night time binging, still struggling with how my body feels and not trying to judge it nor let myself go exercise crazy in order to 'end around' not eating, not restrict my eating, etc. And what I find is - I am binging a bit from time to time, not to the degree of in the past, but I'm also shopping and buying lots of stuff I don't need. That is not healthy. Buying things does not 'fix' me and adds to my clutter. I have an appointment tomorrow and has been 2 weeks since I saw my therapist so of course will be talking with her. I have told both docs that at this point, I feel like my progress has stalled out - I'm not getting anything done at home, AT ALL. I am getting some things done at work, some days are better than others - but I feel less that I will do something inappropriate. Just need to get more done. Situation is not in my control and I know that, but it's very hard to feel good about it and feel effective when we're so behind.
Part of my buying binge was during the Black Friday - Cyber Monday sales. I love love having a 'system' of exercise and a calendar, and someone telling me DO THIS FOR A MONTH! or however long. I had no idea what to do next after Ultimate Yogi 108. I am off INSANITY for a while, I didn't really care for Asylum (so I'm not going to get Asylum 2 until I hear more), didn't care much for P90X2. I'm afraid of 'Body Beast' - but I need to be doing some weight work cause I don't want to lose my PULL UP ARMS! I can only do about 1 or 2 now, but I don't want to judge myself. I am a tad bored w/just P90X, so I don't want to go back to it. So I ordered a bunch of stuff, and now I don't know what to do. Since I finished UY, I have just done random exercise dvds and elliptical. Running was not feeling good and felt like my calf/achilles issues were just hanging on so decided to table that for a while until I feel strong enough to take another try.
I ordered..... Rush Fit, Buti Fitness 3 dvd set, Turbo Fire, pre-ordered Les Mills COMBAT, and a pack of Cathe Friedrich's 'Shock Cardio' workouts. And I bought a STEP at a used sporting goods store.
Obviously people here don't know 'me' and what a super klutz I am. So the thought of the step is hilarious. I can't do 'dancy' choreographed exercises, but I figured if I push myself out of my comfort zone, it's good for my body and my brain.
I also bought the Tracy Anderson Metamorphosis set for "Omni" body type. I did that a few times before my last buying binge. So that's a lotta stuff!
My husband wanted the DDP/Yoga for 'Real Guys' set - and I got him that about a month ago. He's not started.
I'm vaguely toying with the idea of doing Rush Fit, concurrent with whatever yoga he does, but he's not very reliable that way and I'd probably have to just integrate whatever other yoga I want to do on my own. So now that it's been 2 weeks, I think that's enough unstructured time - and I'm ready to commit to something else again. I did one of the Turbo Fire workouts, and that was hard for me too, b/c of the dancy-part. So might rotate that in. dunno. Combat - I think I will do a group challenge by my BB coach which is not until mid-February next year. So lots of new fun things to try on my exercise front to keep me busy and active. I'm just trying not to go overboard and not to 'punish' myself with more exercise to make up for what I am eating.
Whew. That's a lot of stuff to get out. I know it's rambling and all over the place. I'm trying to reign things in slowly but surely without judging myself. Some days are better than others.
Any of my sparky friends or folks that have just happened to stumble on this blog and made it this far, thanks for reading my self-chat and therapy
Sometimes, I read things that other people have written and feel like I need to leave a comment - to let them know they have been heard, even if they don't know me, but I just want to give a pat on the back and encourage. And sometimes I just don't have a clue what to say! I don't want anyone to feel guilty for walking away if you read this and go 'UGH, I'm going to pretend I didn't'.....or 'holy crap, I can't even skim this hot mess of a blog' AND THAT IS PERFECTLY OK!! It definitely helps me - and maybe there is a tiny little snippet here that will help someone else. Maybe not.
I know I'm all over the place right now - so maybe that's evidence of the validity of my diagnosis, eh? - or perhaps just the self-indulgent musings of a person who's just trying to find her way through the current maze...
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Gone fishin' indeed!
He kept me up all night with his snoring. It was awful. He burrowed under the covers and then started panting. When I moved him so he could breathe and cool off, he just snored louder. Urrrgggg......
Another shot from Halloween. The costumes were on for about 1 hour. We had maybe 15 kids - it was a really low turn out.
Tonight I'm going to be early!
Saturday, November 03, 2012
If you're not up for a book, don't read the other one I just wrote
This is the short one with exercise and such only.
Two Sundays ago, I went for a run and I was having a glorious pain free but still slow enjoyable jaunt. In fact, I will admit, I was feeling that wonderful my legs are moving with a mind of their own and I'm in a wonderful place right now. I'm a runner - it's in me in my soul - and I can't always run the way I want but I feel like there is such beauty when things come together and my body just does what it does.
Well, then I got my foot caught under a VINE and I fell flat on my face! And this was very fortunately in the grass, and I landed on my hands and my right quad. I have a ginormous bruise still. My brother made fun of me when I got home, but I wish to state for the record, I believe I have fallen on the ground, and LANDED on my body, exactly 2 or at most 3 times in my entire life. I have been running for.....approximately 33 of my 40-some years. I think that's a pretty good record. But this was a busy street, and it hurt! I got up and I laughed. I started running with that giant swelling on my leg SHAKING up and down. Ouch. I was so happy that the light was green, because I know it must have been funny. That's the thing about falls. THEY ARE FUNNY and there is usually some pain involved. So you see someone fall, and you know you should not laugh, but the look of surprise and the 'OH CRAP' scramble - it's funny. I do not mind if you laugh at me when I stumble (and I almost ALWAYS catch myself before I hit ground - see - I said I've not hit the ground but I have stumbled many a time).
So - haven't run much nor been able. Will try today.
I have been sticking with ULTIMATE YOGI and I do enjoy it! I heart you Travis!!!
I did the 72 sun salutations and it was cool! Even though I was sick that day, it was doable and I felt accomplished.
I'm in the last 36 days. The 30 minute mediation is a time strain for me. I was going to tell myself that breaking it up is cheating, but I decided I will break it up if I need to. Except I'm so disorganized, I end up doing the full thirty at bedtime. I did a meditation that I found on youtube that was a guided self-hypnosis and I had a CRAZY out of my mind/body woke up and went HUH? moment. I just don't know what I'm doing during the meditations overall, and I need to read up more and learn about it. I'm not sure if I will keep doing it when I'm done with this program but - I really believe it's been helping me SLEEP better. I've not been waking up and lying awake as I have in the past and that's a relief.
I love yoga - I wish we had a Bikram studio here but we don't. And so when I'm done with this program, I'm going to try to figure out what parts I'd like to incorporate into a new hybrid. I am bummed that I can't really do pullups right now and I realized it's important to me that Tony and I stay close so I need a little P90X in my life when this ends. I will also be looking around town for another type of yoga practice that I can try out here.
(UM, yeah my definition of 'short' is rather relative, I know!)
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