Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Today was hard. I owned my current weight and I changed my tracker to reflect the truth. It sounds so silly as I hear the words I am typing in my head. I mean, I know that I had an injury and had limited ability to move my body for a year - what the heck did I think would happen? I had surgery, and there is a recovery process. I know that I needed to heal and love my body enough to allow for recovery, but sheesh. Making that little change on the tracker was a difficult step.
Well - I have done it, and I own it, and now that it is experienced in the light and transparency of truth - only now can I really deal with it. So bam!
Now - I am off to go to the gym, now that I can move this body of mine. I will love it enough to beat it up a bit in the gym - push and pull it, twist and shape it, right on back to where I want it to be. I will sweat and grunt as I run and lift myself right back in the right direction!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Short note - just sick as can be that injuries seem to be plaguing this race prep. I am scheduled to run a half on April 28, but every time I have tried to run the last few weeks, my knee has given me a hard time. I finally went to the doc, she thinks perhaps meniscus tear. The regular X-rays are normal and the MRI is scheduled for Wed. I was doing so well with my training and really seeing some excellent speed results, then bam -
ok so -I am not going to get too down, I will do what I can do and no less. I know this is not a big deal unless I let it be. The important thing to remember (and I write this blog so that I can remind myself) is that 2 years ago I never ran a mile straight and was 40 lbs heavier. 2 yrs later, I can even worry about going faster, making a PR, and I get frustrated when I can "only" run 4 miles...or "only" run 15 miles in a week or less. Well - dang girl, you are doing it. you can run, you can keep off weight, and you can be healthier and stronger. If there is an injury it is a set back, nothing more...so chin up girl. You got this
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thought of something today on a run - the best place for my best thinking by the way....I though that my personal mental dialogue has changed from running and getting healthier. When I was young, I had parents who often criticized me for my weight. In truth, I was not significantly overweight at the time. Maybe an extra ten to fifteen pounds. I was really active though. I swam competitively, I was a varsity cheerleader, I rode my bike as a means of transportation. For fun I would play tennis, or a pick up soccer game in the neighborhood. I climbed trees, and danced, did gymnastics...lots of things. My parents would sometimes make me weigh in weekly and told me I was fat. My dad was significantly overweight and he had always struggled with his weight. I guess they were trying to help. Instead it reinforced an unhealthy view of my body image and a lifetime of unhealthy mental dialogue about my relationship with food and how I looked. Through my young adult years, I yo-yoed. I vacillated from a size 4 to a size 12, and my weight was a factor of my stress and emotion. After children I also yo-yoed...and the 12 became a 14, then a 16 then an 18.
In 2009 I began focusing on getting healthy - not just getting thin. Over two years I have lost 40 pounds and kept it off. I still feel like I have another 15 or so to lose, but I am focused on staying physically fit through exercise now instead of being a slave to the latest and greatest trend in diet crazes. I simply eat clean and healthy 90% of the time, allowing for splurges and off days where I do not feel like working out. I have a maximum number in my head that I will not exceed in weight, but I don't make it an obsession. Currently I am a size 8, sometimes 10 with certain designers. Maybe I will be a 6 again, but if so it will be a healthy six. Instead I focus on exercising for the love of healthy. I eat for the love of flavor and the importance of nutrients. I run for the exhilaration, the joy, the runners high, the fact that I can and I DO!
Today - I realized I have a healthy dialogue with myself. I still occasionally hear those words in my head from parents who thought they were helping, but now I reframe those negative comments and remind myself it is about living life fully - which means a commitment to good health - physically and mentally!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sometimes I remember that girl that I used be. Who would sit and feel ugly, fat, teased, feeling in the way. I remember hearing some insentive teen laughing at me in my bathing suit, or a coworker with a nasty comment. People seem to think if you are fat you are either deaf or immune to the cruelty of others. Not true.
I think the thing that hurt the most were the things I said to myself. Me when I would look at a picture of myself and quickly crop or delete so that I did not have to see. How I cringed when a picture appeared that I did not know about.
I decided to change and move, and even that was hard. People were sometimes mean or dismissive to me when i was working out with A60 lbs to lose in the early part of my journey. I was embarrassed to run in frontof people at first, so picked dangerous deserted trails and low populated areas.
When I first began to branch out on more popular trails, some people were great, some were jerks. I was running, some Barbie doll thought her workout was more important than mine and rudely snagged the parking spot i was waiting for and rolled her eyes at me. It also happened when people lapped me. It happened when I bought sneakers.and it happened when I lined up for races. You know what, I still practice and wait for parking spots, I still get lapped (all be it by faster people), I still get it when I buy sneakers or go o a runners shop (though not as often) and I dont give a hoot who thinks what when I line up for a race.
I am here now, not for some Barbie with a six pack. Kudos to her! seriously, i really admire her. No i am not here for the dude at the running store, though he has come around. I am here for the party!
I am here for the getting healthy party. The I have energy party ! The I reach another milestone party. Thei fell and picked myself up party. I am here for that look in the eye I get from hubby party! The I feel sexier party. The I am a woman and I love my powerful muscles and girlie curves party!
Come on, here is your invite, come join me!
So I still have 18 drive me crazy sometimes pounds to go...I am still here for the party!!!!
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