Sunday, September 08, 2013
I started asking myself this question before I went to bed last night. Needless to say, I had some funky dreams, and woke up still thinking about it. So lets blog about it!
So here's a little backstory about me:
In Nov 2007, I took a new position at work which was more sedentary. I was at a comfy 180 (I say comfy bc thats always my first weight loss goal, but not my ideal) going in. A year later, I was 197 lbs...the highest I'd ever been. I joined WeightWatchers (WW) for the first time in Jan 2009. In 20 weeks, I got back down to 180...and stopped WW. After all, I was back at my "comfy" 180. And calculating Points seemed incredibly tedious to me. Why can't I just eat like a normal person?
By Sept 2009, I gained it all back and then some, up to 202 lbs. Angry at myself for gaining it all back, I dropped A LOT of money to go to Medical Weight Loss Clinic. Again, back down to 180 by March 2010, so I stopped. I was also mad I was still spending so much $$ on it. It worked, but I really hated this program for having to buy their "nutrients" with a bunch of ingredients I couldn't pronounce, which cost a ridiculous amount of money. I like to think I got wise.
Six months later, in October 2010, I was back up to 200 lbs. Perhaps I gained the weight back faster, but thats the first time I can remember when I weighed 200 lbs. I got married that month, and life began to settle down.
December 2010, back to WW I went. I did WW for 14 months, and got back down to 180 (It didn't take me that long to lose it, but I have this thing in my head where when I hit 180, I can stop because I'm "comfy" here.) I thought about canceling my membership...but then my sister died suddenly, in a car accident. My sister....gone. After her death, I thought I'd eat into oblivion and gain it all back, so I didn't cancel WW because I was scared to. I actually maintained 180 during that time. Perhaps its was because it gave me something else to focus on, something to control. But eventually, I got tired of paying for it again and not really doing it (i.e. losing more weight to get to my ideal 160 lbs), so I stopped in March 2012, about 6 months after my sister passed away.
I vowed to myself to figure out how to maintain 180. So, I trained for a marathon. Yep, stayed pretty darn close to 180. My partner refers to this time period as my "happiest with my weight" because I was running alot, but I was also NOT obsessing about food or feeling guilty every day for something I ate, for something I did wrong.
After the marathon, we embarked on our IVF journey to start a family. I know this will be a shocker....back to 200 lbs by Jan 2013. And I'm still here. Am I happy about it? No. And I'm certainly not comfortable with it.
So, here I am, the 4th time I've hit 200lbs. Frustrated, sad, angry. I actually feel like I'm crazier about my weight now than I was back when I hit it the first time. Yeah, I felt crappy about myself back then, but now it consumes so many of my thoughts everyday, every time I decide what to eat. I'm so tired of feeling awful about myself, constantly beating myself up. I've tried to cut myself some slack, knowing that the 2 failed pregnancies and all the fertility shots can't be doing me any favors. But I feel awful about myself. After the first miscarriage, I sought the help of a therapist...and spent most of the time not talking about the miscarriage, or my sister's death....but my weight and inability to lose it "on my own."
I've dieted--paid for programs. All of which I've successfully lost weight on. But when I'm on my own without a "program" I can't seem to make it work. And with each loss/gain cycle, I end up feeling worse about myself. But I refuse to pour more money into a program where I lose...then gain...and wasted all the money. The rollercoaster, the yo-yo....has only made me feel more awful about myself.
I know a lifestyle change is what is needed. I say I want that. I really do. Talk talk talk talk talk. I found sparkpeople last year (free! yay!), and am approaching my 1-year "sparkversary." Have I lost weight? Nope. However, I am within 2 lbs of when I started, so I guess the fact that I haven't gained more is a good thing. I just want to love my body, feel good about myself, and learn to be nicer to myself at any weight.
People have told me that maybe 200 is my "set weight," what my body wants to be at, so perhaps I should just embrace it. I've had all my blood levels checked, and everything is in the normal range. The only thing that's not is my BMI. A 35% body fat is not healthy, not where I want to be. Yet, I can run a 5k. I can kill some T25 workouts, better than my "thin" friends, but here I am...unhappy with me. And I can't seem to figure out weight loss on my own. I like to workout, I am the queen of fitness/weight loss/healthy eating magazines...I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to do it. And in the process, I feel worse.
Perhaps no one will read this, but I vented a little, journaled it...so maybe I can stop thinking about it.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Well, I am sad to say that Day 2 didn't go so well for me. I caved and at a tortilla with my meat and veggies. I think "easing-in" to Paleo will better for me. All-or-nothing was totally stressing me out, and I think the meds from this ectopic pregnancy (and the fact that my body still thinks I'm pregnant) were playing a role for me, too. On an emotional roller coaster now, so I think Whole30 wasn't such a good idea for me just yet, especially since it was such a drastic change to my diet. I hate to admit that I failed....but I did. I'm still going to try my best, but I think I need to be a bit more gentle with myself since both Day 1 and 2 literally caused tears. I apologize to everyone who was pulling for me.
People swear by Paleo. People swear by Vegan/Vegetarian/Eat to Live. Others swear by limiting calories. No wonder why people are overweight and confused, there's so much "this is the best way" out there, and there are so many doctors and nutritionists support every one of those way. I suppose everyone has to find what works for them. I've tried all of them, there truly is no magic plan or a one-size-fits-all.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I keep telling myself, just like they say in the book: "Beating cancer is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. This is not hard." Yeah, well, I think its pretty darn hard and its only day 2! I've certainly been through hard things in my life, so I get that there are harder things.
I struggled last night after dinner. Just felt immediately hungry after I ate. A SP friend suggested I didn't eat enough fat, so I went back and had some avocado and salsa. Waited. Still hungry. Woke up this morning to an egg scramble with peppers/onion/avovado. Ended up in tears because it was all incredibly unsatisfying to me. Luckily I didn't have any frozen waffles in the house (my weakness with some PB on top), or else i totally would've killed some. I know people say the first week is especially hard....but, wow. Maybe this isn't for me.
On top of it all, I'm still dealing with an ectopic pregnancy that hasn't quite gone away. My body still thinks I'm pregnant, and the medication I'm on to make to make the pregnancy "resolve" is actually a low-dose chemo drug which makes me nauseous. Also insert feeling emotionally awful here. Perhaps I looked to Whole30 as something I could control in light of feeling completely out of control with this pregnancy.
So, second-guessing as to whether this was a good idea for me right now. I don't want to quit, but perhaps easing into Paleo would've been a better idea.
Feeling generally poopy....and hungry....
Friday, July 05, 2013
I planning on beginning Whole30 on Monday 7/8. I am in the busy-making-meal-plans-and-grocery-lists stage. Whole30 is basically paleo, but if you want to check it out, here is Dallas and Melissa Hartwig's website:
Whole 30 is based on "real food and healthy nutritional habits."
Why does Whole30 appeal to me? Well, first, the possibility of losing weight is always appealing. Second, I find tracking every calorie I eat utterly exhausting. I can't seem to only view "food as fuel." How can you do that if you flat out love to eat, as I do? I enjoy food; I enjoy chewing. I realize tracking is a part of the SP guide, and cutting out food groups is not exactly moderation that SP advises to do. Third, as I'm learning more about the food industry, the processing of it (including factory farming), creeps me out. So yes, I'm looking forward to going back to the basics of whole, real, no processed foods.
But....I'm also terrified of being hungry. Slaying that "Sugar Dragon" as the Hartwigs call it, won't be easy. But I'm going to commit to it, blog about it (hopefully that way I won't give up when it gets hard if I'm accountable).
My spouse might not really be amused with me the first couple weeks, either, as I anticipate some crankiness. But hey, I'm cranky when I run out of my 1500 calories at 3pm and I'm starving, too!
So, here we go...
Friday, June 14, 2013
Well, we finally made it. After 2 delays/cancellations for this round, I was excited just to make it to the day of the transfer. And that day was last Friday 6/9. That means I am one week into my 2 week wait (2WW)! I feel many of the same things physically that I did last time (miscarried at 7 weeks). I'm exhausted no matter how much sleep I get at night, some mild cramping, breast tenderness etc. But I felt all these things last time, too. I really do feel like the beta test will be positive (I know, perhaps wishful thinking), but I honestly don't think I'll be as excited on that day as I will be when I make it past week 7.... Waiting is awful. I sure hope there's a baby (or babies!) cooking in there.
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