Wednesday, November 07, 2012
A year ago today I started my journey to a healthier me. On November 6th, 2011 I went to Taco Bell for lunch. I ordered way too many items, ate them all, and when I got home I felt sick, tired, and guilty. I got on the scale to weigh myself and it said 223 pounds. I started crying, told myself enough was enough, that I was going to start taking care of myself, and closed the unhealthy chapter of my life.
At first I felt completely hopeless, like any changes I was going to make would never work. But I stayed persistant anyway in spite of myself.
Here's a bit of my back story:
From the time I was 13 years old I had been riddled with food addiction and disordered eating habits. I struggled with bulimia from 1993 - 2006. It messed up my metabolism, my singing voice, and I alienated people to keep my little secrets. Through a wonderful recovery group called Celebrate Recovery, I came to terms with my addiction, and was able to embrace the fact that "secrets keep me sick". I went through an intense program called a Step Study, TWICE, and I'm still planning on attending a third in the near future.
After I gave birth to my youngest in 2006 I weighed 250 pounds. I yo-yo'd up and down for the years between 2006-2011. I was no longer purging (making myself sick) my food, but I had no idea how to portion control or stop eating as a means to control my life. My weight would fluctuate but I was never successful on keeping the weight off, or losing weight in a healthy manner, so I just quit trying.
In the past 12 months I have been very serious about getting well. I pray for God to see me through each day. I have to actively tell myself I will not operate in my addiction EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I sense myself getting off track, I pray, stay out of the kitchen, and find something else to do until I stop thinking about binging. I have taken up running, which I LOVE, and I am having a great time! I also joined karate and have fun getting fit with my children and my husband who are all in karate as well. I keep track of my calorie intake EVERY DAY too here on SP!
I have lost 70 pounds. I have gone down from a size 20 pant, to a size 8. An XXL shirt, to a M/L. I've gone from huffing and puffing walking a 1/2 mile, to being able to run 10 miles. I am signed up for a half marathon (13.1 miles) in February and I can't wait! I have more energy. More focus. I feel happy and healthy and that's the point of all of this. God wants us to live an abundant life. Not a life filled with depressed feelings and constant sadness.
I'm not done with my healthy lifestyle change. I will NEVER be done. There is no done. I'm just going to take it one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time) and continue on this path for the rest of my life. Thanks for letting me share. :) HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sometimes I look at my progress and I smile at the pictures, but there are a lot of other reasons that are not so noticeable that are perks as well. Nuances that are important to log, and not forget, so I won't QUIT!!! Here are a few:
1. It doesn't hurt to bend over and tie my shoes anymore.
2. It doesn't hurt to bend over and paint my toenails anymore.
3. My thighs don't rub together as much!
4. I have lost 4 pant sizes to date!
5. I like the way that clothes are looking on me.
6. I feel better!
7. I'm not so tired all the time!
8. I don't have to rock myself up off the couch.
9. My back doesn't hurt as much!
10. My knee (ACL surgery) doesn't hurt as much!
11. I don't have as much back fat, my bras fit without squeezing and hurting!
12. I don't sweat so much in my crevices (TMI, whatever, it's MY list)
13. I can stand up for longer periods of time and it doesn't hurt my body.
14. I have WAY more energy.
15. Things have improved in the bedroom (TMI again, still MY list).
16. I don't mind clothes shopping, or I don't dread it at least.
17. I know I am doing a good thing for myself.
18. I feel pretty, oh so pretty....
19. I don't mind receiving compliments as much. I don't brush them off or scoff at them. I say "THANK YOU" now.
20. I can get up from sitting on the floor without struggling or rocking.
So there are 20 reasons I am happy I am losing weight. There are more, but that's a start. I can come back and look at this list whenever I'm wondering if it's all worth it. Thanks for letting me share.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Several months ago I pulled my back out. I found out that I have one, maybe more, herniated discs in my lower back. Upon investigating the issue I found out that weight loss could help alleviate the pain. I was excited that there was a solution, but I still didn't do anything about it.
For a long time I have known that my issues with my weight and food, come from self hatred. I was molested when I was a child, and instead of telling anybody I allowed myself to feel guilty for what happened. I became a very bitter, angry, lonely, and depressed person.
Fortunately, after some intense therapy and gaining a closer walk with God I have learned to begin to see myself the way that my Creator does. We are a masterpiece to Him, He loves us. In turn we should love ourselves. Easier said than done.
Here's where the Peace Sign shirt comes in....
I am married, to a very loving man who has never once complained about my size, whether I am 150 pounds or 250 pounds he has always treated me with the utmost love and respect. He is truly unconditional in his love for me, and I strive to be like him. However, during my issues with food and disordered eating I have been mean to him and neglected him when I'm at my worst. I have apologized to him, and I know he forgives me, thank God.
While my back was completely pulled out several months ago, so badly that I couldn't even walk down the hallway without whimpering in pain, my husband did some laundry. This was before I really started to take ownership of my eating and exercise habits. He stuck one of my favorite shirts in the dryer, which is a grey shirt with a yellow peace sign on it. The next day when I had gained back some mobility I looked in the dryer and found out it had SHRUNK. Normally I hung it up to dry, because I had gotten so big it didn't fit very well anymore. I was so ticked off at him and yelled at him for ruining my shirt!
Through my time spent in counsel, I now know what I did to him that day was a form of projection. Blaming him for something that I was ticked off at myself for! I was embarrassed that because I had gained so much weight I could no longer wear that shirt. I was embarrassed that my back was hurting so bad from all of the extra pounds it was carrying. I was embarrassed at the way I looked, the way I felt, everything. But at the time I thought I was just ticked off at the fact that the shirt had shrunk.
Well, this story has a happy ending. I am wearing that shirt right now. It fits. It's loose even. And of course I have issued my husband apologies for this incident ages ago. He was just trying to be helpful and do some laundry! Most women would be so lucky! He truly is a gem of a man!
I have lost 30 pounds since this happened, and I plan to lose more. One day at a time, one step at a time. Peace.
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