Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Oioi, hello friends! I'm back! I took a math class (Differential Equations) last semester that kicked my ass; I had no time to do anything but run back and forth from work to class to bellydancing to homework. At any rate, I didn't backslide a whole lot (huzzah!)(especially because I got rid of the clothes that were too big!), nor did I make any progress (that sucks), but! It's all good. I have a semester off while I wait on the university to tell me whether they want me for the fall, and I'm taking the opportunity to get back on the obsessive horse. Anyway, hi! How are you all doing?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Alright. In brief--
I took this picture on 4/7/11:
And my roommate took this picture last night:
The difference is a little astounding. I'mma go hop on the elliptical and ponder this.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Week Three of the Spring into Summer bootcamp is upon me, and I have been sickeningly on track. My elliptical has seen more action than I have in the last two months, neglected pretty much only on Wednesdays, since I spend my cardio bellydancing. The videos are silly and short, but the arm and core ones are pretty decent. Scale is being a little bitch, but I'm not worried, since my jeans looked like they were falling off last Friday. I'll take more muscle and less volume any day.
I'm also now completely obsessed with the fact that I'm actually in my first ever belly dance performance next month with some of my classmates, even though I'm a little terrified. I love it so much, and I can't wait to finish my costume, and I'm sure it'll be so much fun, but zomg. Dancing. For an audience. I mean, granted, generally when the roomie and I go out and dance, we're showing off, but this is different. XD Still, super excited. Gotta shine up my zils and decide wtf to do with my hair and eeep! everything. I've got a month and five days. EEEP.
On another note, I'm a ridiculous night owl when it comes to cardio, but I have to get my lazy butt up early on Saturday or else the barbeque somewhere in the middle of the day is going to derail me. :P Thinking of dragging the kid up Cowles at a scandalous hour-- poor little guy. Alas, too bad. If I'm climbing a volcano in August, so is he, meaning he needs all the training he can get, too. I may post it to the SD Spark team and see if anyone's down for coming along. Less chance of wussing out if I have to be held accountable for it.
Ugh ok, shower. Bed. Sleep. Start again tomorrow, etc. Repeat. :)
Monday, May 09, 2011
I have been a superfatty since as far back as I can remember, seriously. There are photos of me as a kid that make it look like I was a normal-sized third-grader, but I believe none of this propaganda. As an adult, I have seen highs of right around 285 pounds and lows of down near 200; I have endured the ferocity of messy relationships that have simultaneously shaped and broken me, but of all the messy relationships in my life, I'm just now sorting out the one between me and my weight.
To date, my deep-seated gut feeling has been: I can't stand talking about it. I can't stand hearing about it. I can't stand that people know how much I weigh, and how much I fail at being normal. I can't stand any of this hullaballoo over how great I'm doing and how I look like I've lost some weight, haven't I? I can't stand people looking at me with thinly-veiled shock when I say I hike and bike and camp and play and dance and have done martial arts because clearly, I am not built for these things. I can't. Not any of it.
Now? I'm kind of scaring myself. I have never been the athletic kid, the active kid; I'm suddenly acting like I've been doing this forever. This discipline of dancing and exercising and eating better and sweating and *training*; it's almost becoming me, and I'm ok with that. All of the muscle and grace that's packed in under the blubber is tired of being ignored. I still don't want to talk about it with anyone that isn't doing the same; I don't want people to hear how much I weigh and think HOLYSHIT, THAT IS A LOT. But, I'm getting a little better about all of it. I can look at the scared, insecure, unlucky, mopey, easily-taken-advantage-of loser in the mirror and think, fine. You know what? You've been winning up until right now, but I'm going to kick your ass and that of your faux bravado, and you know it.
I totally am. Watch me.
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