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It feels good to be happy again!

Friday, September 30, 2011

While many probably don't know, this year has been an incredible struggle for me in terms of work and my personal life. Because of the way I was treated at work and how it took over my life and carried into my personal life, I felt like everyone had turned their back on me. I'm willing to admit now that after a friend let me down, I gave up on everyone. Then I thought work started to get better and I had some personal problems come up and I slowly started letting people back in because I could not fix my issues alone and I needed people to remind I wasn't crazy and not to give up.
Progressing to July, my personal problem was resolved finally and I believed that I could become myself again. Drop the 30lbs I gained from becoming depressed, go back to working out, get a new job and all would be lovely. Well I still need to lose the 15lbs I've gained from this year, I still have the same job, but NOTHING else is the same!
Earlier this month I finally took that first step and hoped on my elliptical! It was hard, I didn't want to do it, I made tons of excuses, day after day. I thought the first day was the hardest, but is was the second week when I was tired, the third week when I had problems coming up that I had to deal with, and now the fourth week...the week it changed.
I've noticed that I don't despise the people at my work so much, I don't sit and cry at my desk all the time, I truly don't care when people complain to me about my boss, and I don't take work home with me. What's changed? ME!
I do the things I want, I workout in the mornings AND at night, I walk during lunch, take the stairs and meet my friend at my office while she takes the elevator, I drink water, watch my calories, sleep well and at night instead of all the time lol! For the first time, probably ever, I told a friend that I didn't want to go to lunch with them it was at 2 places I didn't like and are more money than I wanted to spend today, I was surprised at myself because I don't get to see him often. I've managed to ignore someone (that I should) even though I learned I hurt their feelings because what about what I feel!
Tonight I went to taekwondo, I have a promotion test in 2 weeks for my brown belt and we video tape ourselves so we can identify our own improvements. No, it wasn't great, but I know what to look for and I know what I want to change. I left class at 930 (class officially ends at 8 BTW) and I had so much FUN and I was happy when I left. It's the first time this year I've been able to say that:

I AM HAPPY and it feels good!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    This blog makes me happy! I am so proud of you!! You have been through hell with your job!!!!!

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AMBER281 10/7/2011 11:42AM

    Woo hoo!

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ROEANDGO 10/1/2011 4:14PM

    Whoooo Hoooo Mary!!! Way to go!! Keep it up and keep sharing!

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TEMPEST272002 10/1/2011 11:36AM

    I struggled with depression for many years, but not since I started exercising daily. Good for you for pushing through the hard stages of exercising. Now that you've got to the feel-good stage, you're never going to want to stop.

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    I am so happy to read that you are so happy. I am so sorry that I didn't know you were struggling so much. I feel empowered just reading your blog. Thank you for sharing.

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KROLES55 10/1/2011 7:50AM

    So glad to hear that your happy again... Stay strong

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REENSKI 10/1/2011 6:05AM

    Yeah! I'm so happy you are back in your happy place & taking care of YOU!

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SGTSUNNY 10/1/2011 1:12AM

    It must be a huge weight off of your shoulders! Happiness is contagious emoticon

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UNICORN212 10/1/2011 12:20AM

    Woo hoo! This is great news!

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CHUBBYKITTY3 9/30/2011 10:34PM

    I'm so happy for you! Stay strong! =)

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LOTUSFLOWER 9/30/2011 10:31PM

    I'm so happy to hear this, and so happy that you are happy!! Yaay!

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    now this makes me happy! i'm so proudo fyou!

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Is this really how I'm suppose to be?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm at a loss and it isn't a good one, the only thing I seem to be successful at these days is gaining weight. I'm not over exaggerating this by any means, I seriously am gaining about a pound every week. And don't tell me oh that means you are eating 500 calories too many each day, WRONG!!! I really have no idea what to do. I'm so tired, tired of wasting my time, effort, energy and money only to have my pants get tighter and tighter. I'm exhausted, I can barely get up in the morning, I try my very best not to fall asleep at work everyday, it takes everything I have to make it to class after work and then walk my dog when I get home. To be honest failure every week is down right depressing.

If I were told this is the weight I'll always be at no matter what I do, I would accept, I may not be happy about it, but I would accept. I'd go out and buy new clothes that fit, I'd get rid of my scale, HRM and everything else that brings me down. I'd workout just the same as I do now, and I'd do a little more ST so perhaps I could at least have more muscle and feel healthier.

Is it suppose to be this hard to lose weight? It seems like such a piece of cake for others, eat a little less here, have a little more of this and just like that they lose weight and their clothes fit better. Do I have to starve myself for the rest of my life in order to not gain weight because that is truly how I feel at this point and I've gone out of my way to not live like that. What will I tell people when they ask what I do, oh I starve myself everyday and workout like an athlete you know the usual. No, I don't think that's what everyone else does, but I've begun to wonder.

If anyone has any suggestions I'm open to them, surely there has got to be something out there I haven't tried? Just tell me the secret already!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMBER281 6/23/2011 9:38PM

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.
I am wondering if there is something else going on that is causing you not to lose weight. From Blaizes comment it sounds like you had blood work done. See what that says, maybe your thyroid or hormone are out of whack.
Also, how well do you sleep at night?? I have been having discussions with my DR about my sleep pattern because I know I don't usually get enough of the deep sleep to reset my hormones, heart etc and that can also effect weight loss/gain.

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SGTSUNNY 3/24/2011 11:13AM

    It does sound like you might need your Thyroid meds adjusted, it is not right to be so tired and gaining weight so steadily. The stress adds to it, I think I would be doing my best not to let it bring me down and trust that it will work out in time. Hugs!

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DOMTHOMAS90 3/24/2011 12:42AM

    DONT GIVE UP!!! emoticon thats what some people want to see you do give up and fail but prove everybody wrong and yourself right. Everybody would be in perfect shape if this was easy but its not. It takes dedication, time, and commitment. Just stay true to yourself and accomplish your goals like you know you can.

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LOTUSFLOWER 3/23/2011 10:37PM

    I am sorry Mary, I'm having a hard time right now too, so I don't have any good advice other than keep pushing forward. I have to think it will get easier. It sounds like perhaps getting your blood tested like others have suggested would be a good idea. emoticon

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UNICORN212 3/23/2011 10:10PM

    If you just had blood work done (per Blaize's comment) make sure you get a copy. Hopefully they tested free T3 and free T4 and maybe your adrenals? Maybe the blood work will give some clues. Maybe your doctor will add some Cytomel or put you on a complete thyroid med.

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FIERCESTCALM 3/23/2011 9:56PM

    got several questions for you. I know you're on the thyroid group too...what is your diagnosis? are you on synthroid by any chance? saw you are also part of the vegetarian you eat a lot of soy? soy can cause thyroid meds to not work as effectively. I had a horrid time trying to lose weight until I cut out the soy. I understand and know your frustration. you mentioned taking classes....are you in college? if so, see if there is an on campus dietician that you can see. I see one through my school and she's helped tremendously.

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CDNCASS 3/23/2011 7:06PM

    This may be totally unrelated but I saw on Dr. Oz today that something like 99% of people who are intolerant of gluten don't know about it and it can lead to weight gain and fatigue. If you can catch it tonight in your area you should try. Might have some ideas for you.

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LYDIASPURPLE 3/23/2011 7:00PM

    First thing first. I will not tell you you are eating 500 calories too much. I will however say that stress can weigh you down, no pun intended. Stress makes the body produce cortisol & adrenaline both which help the body store calories/fat for the fight/flight.

And I won't say don't stress,,, easier said then done. What I will say is be consistent/persistent in going forward! Find something anything everyday that will make you laugh. May sound silly but laughter is emotional aerobics and helps to dispel stress & anxiety.

I won't tell you not to compare yourself to others, but I Will say are you "others" or are you yourself wonderfully made and unique to yourself..

And I will say stop starving yourself! Who told you you had to starve yourself? You body is doing what it is design to do:protect itself from what it perceives as impending famine; it will slow down its metabolism to save what calories it can so it can function.

Don't fight against yourself. Cherish yourself.

It will get better I promise. Now get out there and go for a walk and glow like there is no tomorrow! emoticon


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    Mary, it sounds like you may be have something else going on. If you are watching what you are eating and are so tired all the time, it may be another problem. You should maybe contact your Dr.

Do you think that maybe it is just because the job and school are getting to you?

Don't give up, this is not easy for anybody. It is the hardest job that I have ever had.

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    Oh mary, you know how I feel...we've been talking about it for a while. Wait to get your blood work back, I think that there is something off that will help explain this and will be fixed so you can get back on track!!! Hang in there beautiful lady

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STARLIGHT615 3/23/2011 6:53PM

    I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time losing right now! I wish I had that magiical bit of information to give you , I really do. I guess the only think I can tell you is just not to give you. Some how some way there is a reasoning behind everything our bodies are doing. XOXO

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Improvements only go so far, I want physical differences

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Everyone says they want to be healthy and this and that, yeah we all want that, but I want more! I want to see physical differences, mainly the scale going down and smaller clothes :)!

I think I've been in denial and I've just been barely squeaking by. Telling myself oh maybe it just takes time or maybe it's muscle ha ha ha! I've been doing P90X for a while and I've know for a few weeks that it just isn't enough for me. I need to do more, I need to get my lazy behind up and walk over to the fitness center and work out!

Last Thursday I had my little wake up call, I did a 50mins of cardio (other than p90X) and at the end my HRM told that me what I knew all along. I need to do cardio that keeps my HR up the entire time and doesn't allow 30second breaks every 10mins or so. Then Friday night another step out of denial. I went to taekwondo for an hour and a half, then did 45mins of running and since I was feeling like an eager bunny I lifted some weights.

So I have improved on the strength aspect, but that's it. Like huge improvements 100lbs for bench press now and 70lbs on chest flys, used to be 65lbs and 35 respectively not too long ago. I made a comment to the person I was working out with about how I've improved, but I don't look like a person who works out. Regardless, the person was genuinely encouraging and talked to them about my goals a little. I'm proud of myself for making those improvements, but I know I can do better with other aspects.

Saturday night I got my lazy behind up and walked to the fitness center. Worked out for an hour and burned 720 calories ha ha ha! Alright I'm out of denial, this week I'm going to do something besides p90x (its my cardio/recovery week) so I'm going to see if doing work outs that keep my HR about 160 almost the entire time help with weight loss.

I think I've just been going with the flow for way too long, putting in some effort, but not doing the things I know I need to be doing. I think I've been in denial about my workouts and my eating habits, instead blaming it on stress from work and not enough sleep. I think I can only tell myself what i want to hear for so long, unfortunately these days the scale nor the my HRM tell me what I want. Which means that I need to change those things, and if I want real changes that I can see, then I need to put in real effort!!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OFFDREA 2/7/2011 3:18PM

    p90x isn't really for weight loss its more for muscle tone and definition. I don't burn nearly enough calories during the workouts and am going to switch it up now too. Plus it was getting super borning lol!!! What I started to do was do the workouts at my own pace so my hr didn't have time to drop like it does when he is yacking your ear off in between sets. I just kept going and I would burn more calories and completed the workouts in less time.

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REDSOXMEJOE 2/7/2011 1:20PM

    wow you are doing great- keep up the good work!!!!

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    I'm proudo fyou! Her'es to us and our early am workouts tomorrow!!! YOU CAN DO RTHIS!

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JACKSMIMI2 2/6/2011 6:04PM

    OMG girlfriend... I got tired just reading your workout schedule :)... but actually, I'm jealous - I had some surgery and can weight-bear... but even when I can, I don't knowo that I could master your schedule :) You Rock!!!

...on a serious note - I did change my w/o routine in the fall -added riding a bike - and went down one size in 2 weeks (no weight loss - just toned some different muscles)... That made a believer out of me!

Keep up the good work!

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CRAZEPUPPIES 2/6/2011 5:50PM

    Ha ha I just read the main challenge for week 6 and it is change up your work out, perfect time ehh!

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Just like you

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I may have a small obsession with some of the shows they have on TLC and now A&E, the ones about super morbid obesity and the like. I watch the same one ten times over it makes no difference to me. I don't know if I watch them in search of motivation or to put fear in my mind, sometimes I tell myself it is just curiosity but I know that isn't the truth. I watch the shows in an efforts to not be just like you.

Usually we all turn to our friends or someone and say you wouldn't ever let me get like that, right? Of course they always say no, I would get you help before...however, now I wonder if there would be anyone to step in and get me help, if there will be any friends by my side or if they've given up on me, just like you. Why wait until...why not now!!!

I think I spend so much time trying not to be like you and telling myself that I am not, however, I've finally realized I am just like you. There is nothing stopping me from becoming someone who struggles to walk 5 feet, struggles to stand long periods of time, struggles to breath because there is so much weight on my chest, struggles with all those tasks so many take for granted, struggles to go out in public because people are afraid of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. I watched the show Heavy and my number one comment when I talked to people about it is that those people were literally fighting for their lives, but am I no different. Every time I work out, isn't that a fight for my life in the future. Every time I choose a healthy option over the option that will bring me closer to a heart attack isn't that a fight for my life.
I weigh myself almost every day, sometimes several times a job, just so I know that a few pounds didn't sneak up on me. I act like a food nazi count calories, eat fruits and veggies, no candy, etc for weeks at a time, then I go and blow it, just like you I'm sure you know what I mean. I wonder why the super fit military guy on the canal encourages me when he sees me running on the canal.

Because I need encouragement, just like you! Because I need to know that someone cares and notices my efforts, just like you. It's because there's a fight in me, just like you!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REDSOXMEJOE 1/27/2011 6:59PM

    I love this blog!! We all have these deep seeded fears and thats part of the reason we watch this stuff- to make sure we dont go that far. To let us see what would happen if we did. I really appreciate your honesty =] I know you are making a difference in your own life- yes you are in a battle but you will win!! I know you can and are!!!

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    What an amazing blog Mary!!! I love you!!!!!!! Just like you love me! mahahaha

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    What an amazing blog Mary!!! I love you!!!!!!! Just like you love me! mahahaha

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POSITIVE-FORCE 1/27/2011 10:49AM

    Aww..I love your blog! I agree I'm just like you! But we can do this!

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SGTSUNNY 1/27/2011 9:10AM

    Thats right, we will find you and save you from yourself if needed, SG Smackdown time!
But I agree on your feelings and totally admit to doing the exact same thing in wondering if I am just like you!

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GRAMMYSKIDS58 1/27/2011 12:34AM

    I really like your blog!!!! There are so many of us going through the same thing as you and yes I AM JUST LIKE YOU... and we are here to support, encourage and cheer each other along. Good luck on your journey and I am here if you need me!
HUGS, Kathy

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KSGROTHE 1/26/2011 11:56PM

    That's so cool that the super fit military guy encourages you! emoticon

- Karen

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TODAYIAM 1/26/2011 11:16PM

    I am just like you!! You can do it!

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UNICORN212 1/26/2011 10:37PM

    No. sweetie, we would come over and give you a SG smackdown!

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I do the things I want, but I think that's what I need

Monday, January 17, 2011

So I did this dvd yesterday and one of the things said was something about you want...but you don't need that. It got me thinking about some things.

I want to sleep in the morning, but really I need to get up and workout. Therefore translation is I tell myself I need sleep and so that's what I do hit the snooze button for an hour!

I want to have a lazy weekend but I need to do homework. Though I tell myself I need to be lazy so that I'll be refreshed for work and homework later.

I want pizza but need to eat freggies and grains. So in order to justify it I say that everyone needs to indulge every once in a while.

Seems like if I changed the mentality and said and believed that I need to get up and workout in the am so that I'll be able to handle the challenges of the day. I need to do homework so that I won't be stressed at the last minute. And I need to eat things that make my body feel good after eating them!
It's so easy to change the wording and suddenly make all the wrong decisions, but I've convinced myself that I need...and really I'm just trying to make it sound less like an excuse!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GMO_JEN 1/17/2011 2:13PM

    Really good points! It is so easy to convince yourself what you need is really what you want. You can do it!

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    I less than 3 you! haha

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SMALLERMELORIE 1/17/2011 12:50PM

    Something to think about. Good Points.

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UNICORN212 1/17/2011 12:48PM

    Trying to justify the bad choices, hmmm? Don't do it! Self sabotage is not a good thing. Stay on track and you will get results!

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ANNEKATHLEEN 1/17/2011 12:46PM

    Great point! Thanks for sharing, Mary!

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