Friday, September 30, 2011
While many probably don't know, this year has been an incredible struggle for me in terms of work and my personal life. Because of the way I was treated at work and how it took over my life and carried into my personal life, I felt like everyone had turned their back on me. I'm willing to admit now that after a friend let me down, I gave up on everyone. Then I thought work started to get better and I had some personal problems come up and I slowly started letting people back in because I could not fix my issues alone and I needed people to remind I wasn't crazy and not to give up.
Progressing to July, my personal problem was resolved finally and I believed that I could become myself again. Drop the 30lbs I gained from becoming depressed, go back to working out, get a new job and all would be lovely. Well I still need to lose the 15lbs I've gained from this year, I still have the same job, but NOTHING else is the same!
Earlier this month I finally took that first step and hoped on my elliptical! It was hard, I didn't want to do it, I made tons of excuses, day after day. I thought the first day was the hardest, but is was the second week when I was tired, the third week when I had problems coming up that I had to deal with, and now the fourth week...the week it changed.
I've noticed that I don't despise the people at my work so much, I don't sit and cry at my desk all the time, I truly don't care when people complain to me about my boss, and I don't take work home with me. What's changed? ME!
I do the things I want, I workout in the mornings AND at night, I walk during lunch, take the stairs and meet my friend at my office while she takes the elevator, I drink water, watch my calories, sleep well and at night instead of all the time lol! For the first time, probably ever, I told a friend that I didn't want to go to lunch with them it was at 2 places I didn't like and are more money than I wanted to spend today, I was surprised at myself because I don't get to see him often. I've managed to ignore someone (that I should) even though I learned I hurt their feelings because what about what I feel!
Tonight I went to taekwondo, I have a promotion test in 2 weeks for my brown belt and we video tape ourselves so we can identify our own improvements. No, it wasn't great, but I know what to look for and I know what I want to change. I left class at 930 (class officially ends at 8 BTW) and I had so much FUN and I was happy when I left. It's the first time this year I've been able to say that:
I AM HAPPY and it feels good!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I'm at a loss and it isn't a good one, the only thing I seem to be successful at these days is gaining weight. I'm not over exaggerating this by any means, I seriously am gaining about a pound every week. And don't tell me oh that means you are eating 500 calories too many each day, WRONG!!! I really have no idea what to do. I'm so tired, tired of wasting my time, effort, energy and money only to have my pants get tighter and tighter. I'm exhausted, I can barely get up in the morning, I try my very best not to fall asleep at work everyday, it takes everything I have to make it to class after work and then walk my dog when I get home. To be honest failure every week is down right depressing.
If I were told this is the weight I'll always be at no matter what I do, I would accept, I may not be happy about it, but I would accept. I'd go out and buy new clothes that fit, I'd get rid of my scale, HRM and everything else that brings me down. I'd workout just the same as I do now, and I'd do a little more ST so perhaps I could at least have more muscle and feel healthier.
Is it suppose to be this hard to lose weight? It seems like such a piece of cake for others, eat a little less here, have a little more of this and just like that they lose weight and their clothes fit better. Do I have to starve myself for the rest of my life in order to not gain weight because that is truly how I feel at this point and I've gone out of my way to not live like that. What will I tell people when they ask what I do, oh I starve myself everyday and workout like an athlete you know the usual. No, I don't think that's what everyone else does, but I've begun to wonder.
If anyone has any suggestions I'm open to them, surely there has got to be something out there I haven't tried? Just tell me the secret already!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Everyone says they want to be healthy and this and that, yeah we all want that, but I want more! I want to see physical differences, mainly the scale going down and smaller clothes :)!
I think I've been in denial and I've just been barely squeaking by. Telling myself oh maybe it just takes time or maybe it's muscle ha ha ha! I've been doing P90X for a while and I've know for a few weeks that it just isn't enough for me. I need to do more, I need to get my lazy behind up and walk over to the fitness center and work out!
Last Thursday I had my little wake up call, I did a 50mins of cardio (other than p90X) and at the end my HRM told that me what I knew all along. I need to do cardio that keeps my HR up the entire time and doesn't allow 30second breaks every 10mins or so. Then Friday night another step out of denial. I went to taekwondo for an hour and a half, then did 45mins of running and since I was feeling like an eager bunny I lifted some weights.
So I have improved on the strength aspect, but that's it. Like huge improvements 100lbs for bench press now and 70lbs on chest flys, used to be 65lbs and 35 respectively not too long ago. I made a comment to the person I was working out with about how I've improved, but I don't look like a person who works out. Regardless, the person was genuinely encouraging and talked to them about my goals a little. I'm proud of myself for making those improvements, but I know I can do better with other aspects.
Saturday night I got my lazy behind up and walked to the fitness center. Worked out for an hour and burned 720 calories ha ha ha! Alright I'm out of denial, this week I'm going to do something besides p90x (its my cardio/recovery week) so I'm going to see if doing work outs that keep my HR about 160 almost the entire time help with weight loss.
I think I've just been going with the flow for way too long, putting in some effort, but not doing the things I know I need to be doing. I think I've been in denial about my workouts and my eating habits, instead blaming it on stress from work and not enough sleep. I think I can only tell myself what i want to hear for so long, unfortunately these days the scale nor the my HRM tell me what I want. Which means that I need to change those things, and if I want real changes that I can see, then I need to put in real effort!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I may have a small obsession with some of the shows they have on TLC and now A&E, the ones about super morbid obesity and the like. I watch the same one ten times over it makes no difference to me. I don't know if I watch them in search of motivation or to put fear in my mind, sometimes I tell myself it is just curiosity but I know that isn't the truth. I watch the shows in an efforts to not be just like you.
Usually we all turn to our friends or someone and say you wouldn't ever let me get like that, right? Of course they always say no, I would get you help before...however, now I wonder if there would be anyone to step in and get me help, if there will be any friends by my side or if they've given up on me, just like you. Why wait until...why not now!!!
I think I spend so much time trying not to be like you and telling myself that I am not, however, I've finally realized I am just like you. There is nothing stopping me from becoming someone who struggles to walk 5 feet, struggles to stand long periods of time, struggles to breath because there is so much weight on my chest, struggles with all those tasks so many take for granted, struggles to go out in public because people are afraid of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. I watched the show Heavy and my number one comment when I talked to people about it is that those people were literally fighting for their lives, but am I no different. Every time I work out, isn't that a fight for my life in the future. Every time I choose a healthy option over the option that will bring me closer to a heart attack isn't that a fight for my life.
I weigh myself almost every day, sometimes several times a job, just so I know that a few pounds didn't sneak up on me. I act like a food nazi count calories, eat fruits and veggies, no candy, etc for weeks at a time, then I go and blow it, just like you I'm sure you know what I mean. I wonder why the super fit military guy on the canal encourages me when he sees me running on the canal.
Because I need encouragement, just like you! Because I need to know that someone cares and notices my efforts, just like you. It's because there's a fight in me, just like you!
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