Thursday, February 14, 2013
So this week has not been one for the record books. Neither was last week. Or the one before that.
Weirdly, my weight is ok, which just goes to show you how little the scale actually reflects behaviors. My behaviors have been wildly out of control though. I'm probably on-plan with food about 50% of the time. And I get about 1/3 of my planned workouts in. I'm also making irresponsible choices about work and skipping out on social events. And I'm sleeping like it's a second job - somedays, it's 14 hours of sleep. Which I don't really need - I just lay in bed and force myself to go back to sleep. I'm being weirdly petulant in my own mind, and I'm watching myself to try not to act like a pouting toddler to people in real life. You know, cuz that would be weird.
So yeah, all of that sounds like depression. It's the same funk I've been in for the past year and a half. I sometimes feel better and sometimes much worse, but generally I feel like I've been living under a damper. I'm definitely not being the best version of myself.
In the past, I've approached this with medication and therapy...but it never feels like those things ever get me out of the doldrums. I mean, medication was a literal lifesaver once and back when I had wicked panic attacks, Xanex was the only reason I could function some days...but they don't SOLVE this problem. They are tools that I've used, but they honestly don't feel like they were super effective last summer when I was on some prozac and meeting with a counselor every week. I quit both and didn't feel any different, but was glad to have more money in my pocket and to not have to find a time each week to meet with someone who I didn't really like anyway.
I know what I need to do in a broad sense - I need to redesign my life. I need to shake things up and stop just doing things the same old way. One of the ways I AM doing that is through workouts and sports. I turned myself into the type of person who likes to workout, not someone who suffers through it in order to burn calories. That was a redesign for sure. And I'm slowly turning myself into someone who actually likes eating healthy foods and who no longer actually wants a plate of chicken alfredo. (Ugh, it sounds so heavy. And carby. I mean, it might taste good for a minute, but it'll make me feel awful. And being the kind of person who says that is a Big Change.) I'm also getting MUCH better at not talking sh!t to myself. I am putting all this out here, but I don't feel the need to say, "I'm disgusting - look at how awful I am." or "I'm going to quit SP because I'm so awful that no one should have to see what I'm doing to myself." This is something I'm doing or something that is happening....it's not WHO I AM. Sometimes that's hard to remember, but I'm getting wayyyyyyyy better at healthy self-talk stuff.
But there are other parts of my life that are stagnating right now. My relationship. My career. My living arrangement (I want out of the suburbs so so so so bad.) My friendships. And school - holy hell, I want to be done with this. I hate it so much right now. My rowing and participation on the team. I want to shake these things up...but I can't right now. I need to finish school. And until I'm done with that, I can't really switch jobs. And I don't have time to work on fixing up the house to sell it and get the hell outta dodge because I need to be focused on working out, my job, and (UGH) school. And when I do have time? I need to spend it with hubs trying to repair our relationship - which, for him, means going out and recreating (snowboarding trips when I'd rather spend the time and money on the house so we can move, date night trips every Fri, Sat & Sun rather than getting my homework done, etc).
I feel like sometimes I'm silently disintegrating internally from all of this frustration and stagnation...and I don't have anyone to tell because anyone who cares would just be worried or would try to cheer me up (for unknown reasons, that makes me feel hellaworse). So I typed it here.
And I feel lighter. I feel better. I feel more focused.
So I need to get back to work. And school. And fixing up the house. Oh, and planning date night.
But I'm doing it with a lighter heart just for having spewed this all here. It's probably not healthy to purge, but it feels really good right now.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
This week, I tried a couple of new recipes. Here, for your perusing pleasure, are my peramulations, which hopefully won't provoke pain, on these palatable potlaches!
Rachel Ray's Stuffed Steak with Prosciutto and Spinach
I actually got this out of a cookbook with some of her lower carb recipes in which she didn't have the bread in the stuffing. It. Is. Outstanding. In the interests of not being a blogging jerk, I'm not copying the whole recipe over here, but you should click on the link. The whole bagging thing for inserting the stuffing didn't work for me, but I just used my hands and the wooden spoon and it worked fine. The ends come out looking a little messy, but I don't really care about that stuff. If I were serving to company, I'd be more careful I suppose. Though if you are eating at my house, you should just expect that presentation isn't much of a "thing". I'd recommend sharpening you knife before cutting to preserve the cool "look" and focusing on making sure the hole is large enough in the middle pieces of the roast....but overall, the flavor is OUTSTANDING. Huge huge win here.
I tried to make a version of lasagna without the noodles, using thin cut and roasted zucchini instead. I followed a recommendation for how to make one of these types of lasagna from SP...and it didn't have ricotta and it used premade tomato sauce. I thought it would be worth a try...and now I can say: Don't Bother. It's not that it's not fine, but that's all it is: fine. It's actually hard to make myself eat it all at lunch or dinner. I'll go back to my eggplant and ricotta version next time for sure.
Hearty Sausage Breakfast Casserole (Modified by me)
I will make this over and over and over and over. I've been making lots of these types of casseroles, but this one has hash browns and greek yogurt and somehow this makes it the greatest casserole ever. I love mushrooms and had bunch to use up, so I added quite a few. Pick whatever you lurrrrrve and add it, just don't forget the yogurt and the potatoes. EXCELLENT protein numbers (THIRTY ONE grams!!) and purty good on carbs (only 7.6g!). Love this.
That's the summary for this week's new recipes. Two big hits, one miss. Let me know if you try any modifications of any of these and find something YOU love too!
Friday, February 08, 2013
**This was totally fun to write. I do not know why. I think it's a little less PolyannaPositive than I usually am on SP, but it feels more authentic to me. Please don't take anything snarky as a negative or as about you even though you totally know I'm using your example. One awesome blog post sort of was the tipping point on this, but her's was awesome, not sad. There are a lot of sadder message board posts that made me want to write this. Also, be aware that the farting-in-the-weight-room example is all me and totally happened. Twice.**
Ok, I know everyone on SP is all hearts and sunshine and unicorns that shoot rainbows out of their butts...but sometimes we gotta be real. I keep seeing a lot of people post about being embarrassed at the gym because they don't know what they are doing or they feel fat or whatever. And most of us respond with something like, "Oh, it's all in your head, they aren't judging you!"
But that's totally not true.
I can't judge people on most things, but I'm a rower. Which means I'm a snob about the rowing machine (called an "ergometer" or "erg" or "Satan Incarnate" by rowers). So I totally judge people who use them improperly at the gym. It's actually become a Thing before - when I sit down next to someone who DOES know what they are doing and demonstrate that I also know how to use it, we usually end up talking. I've also found rowers at the gym by noting who silently rolls their eyes at the guy who puts the setting on 10 and then just uses his arms. I'll grab a treadmill next to them later and ask if they get on the water. Judging others totally brings us together.
So I'm extrapolating here - if I get silently judgey about people on the erg, I'm betting that others are silently judging me on whatever their equipment is. I am tired of pretending it doesn't happen. It's TOTALLY happening. You are NOT paranoid.
The question is - what are you going to do about it? I can think of a ton of better responses than sitting on the couch and eating cupcakes. Though that has it's appeal during certain times of the month.
*LAUGH. A snowboarder once told me the way to get better at snowboarding is to make sure that no matter what insane thing you just did - laugh. If there is a bone sticking out of your leg at the end of an epic fall, YOU MUST LAUGH FIRST. Then you may cry. Also, scream. Also, narcotic pain killers. So when you can't figure out how to turn on the equipment or when your balance ball shoots out from under your a$$...laugh. And share your story. Everyone does something dumb at the gym and it helps both you and them for other people to hear about it.
*If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning. Maybe your wiggly bits are being judged by the superfitguy over there, but I bet at least once in a while someone else with jiggly bits looks at you and thinks, "Well hell. I always wondered how they turn on the ellipticals. I'm glad she showed me that so I didn't embarrass myself." There, you can feel good because if nothing else, you saved someone from looking like a fool too.
*Let go of it. You can't control other people. Ever. E-V-E-R. All you can control is your response to them. If you change the way you respond to someone, they HAVE to change in response to you. So make eye contact with Judgey McJudgerson and smile. Or ask them what you should be doing. I especially like doing this to guys who have headphones in because it forces them to stop what they are doing and take the headphones out. It's a bit of petty revenge. Also, sometimes I actually learn something. BONUS! You can only control what YOU do, not what THEY think.
*Learn something. Go hire a trainer. If you go to a gym, they are probably all over the place. They're like roaches in red teeshirts except they don't scatter when you turn on the light and they are actually helpful and they won't survive a nuclear apocalypse. So maybe they aren't like roaches at all. Get one. Even if s/he's not a great trainer, you'll learn SOMETHING and you'll get some confidence. And someday, you will discover that something they told you is "wrong." And then you can judge THEM silently.
*Buy some cute clothes and wear earrings. Yep, I said it. Vanity, thy name is ME. I don't mind looking like a doofus as long as I do it in a pretty blue tanktop and I have on my small silver hoop earrings. I do not know why this works for me, but it totally does. My husband actually takes a shower BEFORE he goes to the gym. And he must wear something yellow when he goes because that color makes him so happy. If I'm going to drop things and fart while doing deadlifts and pass out in the middle of the floor, I'm going to look decent doing it.
*Remember how much worse it could be. If you don't go to the gym and gain another 10 lbs...it'll be worse. You'll be even more jiggly and you won't be any more coordinated. If you DO go to the gym, you'll learn something. Remember the old saw from Edison: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." So you did something not-right today - that's one less mistake you'll make next time. I have explained to a few people that it's not that I fell on my face and scraped it all up when learning to ski - it's that I discovered that while you CAN stop yourself from falling down a mountain by using your face, it's better to use skis. At least I learned something from it.
*STOP DOING STUFF YOU HATE! This is the most important thing I can think of. If you really can't stand the judgement-in-the-gym and you can't get past it, then stop going to the gym! Exercise is not punishment - it's a reward. It makes you stronger, faster, better, and happier. If the gym workouts aren't doing that for you, go take classes, do exercise videos at home, join Curves or PlanetFitness or a different gym, find an outdoor sport....ANYTHING ELSE. If anyone has read "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl", you'll know about "Vampire Running" (running in the dark when no one can see and judge). Do something like that if that's what floats your boat - just do SOMETHING.
What about you? Do you have something to add? Good advice? Bad advice? Horror stories that you need to share and laugh about?
Thursday, February 07, 2013
You may have noticed a status update the other day - I know some people gave me some great responses and some great goodies...um, so snowboarding rocks my freaking socks off. But apparently it also rocked my ribs a bit too much - I have a small fracture in a rib on the lower right side of my chest.
The first couple of days were pretty painful - couldn't sleep, traveling was difficult (thank heavens Southwest let me just check my bag for free. I wouldn't have made it lugging my carryon all over America), deep breathing wasn't fun. By yesterday though, it was down to just feeling like I have a stitch in my side most of the time. Today, it's actually even better - I only feel the stitch when I move in certain ways or stretch or take deep breaths (or sneeze or laugh or yawn). If I didn't have xray proof, I would think maybe it wasn't really a break, but the doc felt it and you can just barely see it on the films (they say - I haven't actually seen the film).
Doc said I actually SHOULD be moving though. No taping or anything. I am required to NOT participate in contact sports (including snowboarding) and am supposed to avoid my big weight lifting activities. Not so much because it will hurt my rib, but because the pain will probably make me drop the barbell and hurt myself worse. And he said pull ups and dips will be astronomically painful, so just don't worry about them. But to stay in shape and keep my lungs healthy, I DO need to workout.
So today, I'm going to try to do some recumbent bike riding to see how it goes, then strength work tomorrow. I'm trying not to let this get me down, but yesterday and today were a struggle. I NEED exercise or I go a little depressed-anxious-crazy. I'm committed to getting to the gym in an hour, after I watch some more of an online lecture in infectious diseases. There, I've written it to you, so it must be true.
ALSO - I'm still clinging to the idea that my only workout-preventing injury of 2012 was from rock climbing and my workout-preventing injury of 2013 is from snowboarding....so that makes me cool, right?
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
This is my first snowboarding run in about 6 weeks. And prior to this, I was on bunny slopes, with one really slow run down a green run in Taos. This is a bit of a green run at Homewood in Tahoe. This one is all from my point-of-view, with a bit of a fuzzy lens (sorry!), but it's a taste of what it feels like to slowly slip down a green slope as a novice. :)
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