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Hitching my Wagon of Weakness to God's Tow Truck of Self-Control

Friday, December 16, 2011

I recently discovered the TV show "Mike & Molly" and loved when Harry told Mike, "Hitch your wagon of weakness to my tow truck of will-power." Too funny.

So I had made some good choices yesterday. Right now I am just trying to get through the holidays without gaining any weight...that is my goal. I'm not trying to lose weight these next two weeks, I'm practicing self-control and awareness.

So, good choices:
Even though there is a cake sitting on my counter I did not touch it except to slice and serve it to children
Even though my candy cabinet is overflowing I did not eat any (I did eat a piece of homemade toffee but I did not touch the pre-wrapped kisses, KitKats, M&Ms, York Peppermint Patties, etc.)
Even though, in a moment of weakness, I bought a Butterfinger candy bar Tuesday, it is still sitting in my purse, untouched.
I went to another instructor's Zumba class

I've been invited to teach Zumba at a new studio so beginning January 2 I will be teaching 3 additional classes plus bringing back 1 of my own so I'll be teaching 5 times a week. This new studio is offering BodyPump as well and I'm hoping to get in there a try a couple of classes. I plan to do the Daniel Fast again in January, however with the Zumba class load I know I need more protein than the fast offers so I will be adding meat and cheese (no dairy other than cheese).

Hopefully between the added exercise and modified diet the emoticon will start ticking the opposite direction. Imagine how much weight I would have put back on had I not continued teaching Zumba all this time! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RACHELLTAYLOR81 12/19/2011 1:02PM

    emoticon emoticon
Great job grabbing onto God's mercy and refocusing!

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SKUNKY4 12/19/2011 8:08AM

    Way to go. Sounds like you've got a plan. I'm planning on doing Zumba in Jan at our local school. I've been a little on the non exercising fence since the time change. I have a slight case of s.a.d. I know exercise will help.
Great job on saying no to those empty calories too!

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PENNEYV 12/18/2011 10:34PM

    emoticon emoticon Great plan! emoticon

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WILDFLOWERR_ 12/17/2011 10:58PM

    You are RockiN' the Zumba! and the self~control! YOU GO GIRL~ emoticon emoticon
emoticonWhat I did during the Daniel Fast last year, was drink smoothies made with Soy protein rather than whey protein.
I will be fasting again this year too! emoticon WE CAN DO IT!
emoticon & Blessings,

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DMC10241 12/17/2011 11:22AM

    You're inspirational! emoticon

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KADULAC 12/16/2011 3:09PM

    That is so exciting about teaching the Zumba classes. I love the Zumba on the Wii. It is just right for my uncoordinated body. Glad you resisted the cake and candy. I know it is hard. I love the title of your blog. emoticon

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JEEPINRED 12/16/2011 11:26AM

    Good job at not eating the cake or snitching the candy. I'm still working on it. Keep up the great work.

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RHMORTON 12/16/2011 10:40AM


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Behind Closed Doors

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It is 4:03 am and I can't sleep. I just have a lot on my mind. I used to work with a guy who would tell me "Girl, you may have a lot of problems but an overcrowded mind is not one of them." emoticon

I had company this week and in an effort to clean, as I am wont to do, I started shoving things in boxes and bags and placing these boxes and bags in various places out of sight. At one point I stopped using boxes and bags and just started filling drawers and cabinets with stuff. Out of sight, out of mind.

My house looks good right now. Some more discerning people might walk into my house and see that the floorboards could use a wipe down and the walls need new paint but I think, comparatively speaking, it looks pretty good. Just don't open a door or a drawer....any of them.

Most of my house looked this good about 3 weeks ago when we had company. I emailed a friend at the time and said "I invited everyone back for December 13, I am going to do my best to keep the house clean until then, that's my goal." Well, little by little, a cup left out here, a box to sort there, a few days of skipped laundry, etc. the house looked like an episode of Hoarders in no time. I had to start from scratch to get it clean again.

In April 2010 I started a weight loss journey. Actually it was more of a this-depression-and-extra-weight-are-choki
if-I-can-make-it-another-day journey. I weighed an all-time high of 270 pounds and was in a pretty dark place. I was able to lose about 50 pounds through exercise and modified eating. I started the new year, 2011 weighing 227, just 7 pounds over my wedding weight.

By April 2011 I had given up hope and slowly (or not as the case may be) started putting weight back on. None of this is new if you've been following my Spark Blog for any length of time. I have now gained about 30 pounds since April. My weight is right around 250.

I think if you could crack me open and look inside, you'd see boxes and bags full of miscellaneous stuff. Clutter. Body clutter. I read one time that a person who lives in clutter has a cluttered mind. I scoffed at that at the time. I did *NOT* have a cluttered mind. But as I sit here now I believe that 110%. I can't focus, I can't remember anything. I missed my Zumba class the other morning, despite having set the alarm. I woke up, ready to face the day, I got up, started doing laundry, read my Bible, made breakfast. About 10:00, 1/2 hour after my class starts, I remembered, "Oh yeah, THAT'S why I set the alarm," Doofwad.

ANYWAYS, I realize now that as I was exercising and losing weight, it was all good - those are healthy things. But my mom was a dietician and I grew up in America, of course I know how to diet and exercise. What I don't know how to do is deal with emotions or how to stop self-medicating.

I laid here on the couch last night watching a show online with my husband. Had a good day, not eating wise but emotionally. If you asked me I would tell you I was content and satisfied. And yet I ate about 4 mini York peppermint patties and 5 Hershey's kisses. Why? I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sad. Well, I must have been something. There are boxes and bags and just handfuls of random stuff thrown into my inner closet.

God and I have a lot of work to do. One of my favorite stories/tracts is one I've had since I was 12 or 13 called "My Heart, Christ's Home" in which the author goes through every room in his house and talks about what Christ would change. I just found and reread this the other day and he talks about some putrid, rotting smell coming from a hall closet. Christ asks him what that awful smell is, it smells as if something has died and is decaying. The author scoffs at the suggestion and downplays it but even he can't deny the smell is overwhelming. Christ suggests the author open the door but he refuses so Jesus asks permission to open it. Once there the author realizes hidden sins that he had either forgotten or was in denial that they were there.

My sins aren't such that I am in denial or have forgotten (although I'm not suggesting there aren't unrealized sins in my life) but more of a refusal to let them go. I *LIKE* eating. I *LIKE* the cool creaminess of ice cream. I have very fond memories of certain foods with certain occasions. I *LIKE* Coca Cola. A lot. A whole lot. It's just simply out and out rebellion.

If you were to come over to my house and ask me to open up all of my drawers and doors I'm pretty certain you would be aghast. I'm even fairly certain you wouldn't ever come back to my house again and the irrational side of me whispers that your probably wouldn't even be my friend anymore. I know that is Satan whispering lies to me because if you don't want to be my friend because I don't have a good filing system then I probably don't need to be friends with you.

But I simply must open these drawers and doors in my heart and let God in to help me organize, declutter and sweep it all out. Because losing all the excess weight is not going to solve the core issues of sneak eating and binge eating. Only letting Jesus heal those areas and fill them up with His Holy Spirit is going to do that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNEYV 12/18/2011 10:32PM

    Jenni, hugs, prayers, tears, acknowledgement, agreement, and uplifting! Life is such a cycle. Only God know the real answers! Trust HIM!

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KADULAC 12/16/2011 12:14AM

    I love your blog. Great insight. I love the comparison. I would be your friend still. I deal with clutter also, inside and out. I'm working on both also. I'm reading "Body Clutter" by the Flylady. Hopefully that will help. I also follow Flylady, hoping to get my house decluttered. I know we can do this. I'm glad you're back.

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ENOUGHALREADY10 12/15/2011 12:45PM

    great post....welcome back!

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RACHELLTAYLOR81 12/15/2011 12:16PM

    Great's exactly what I've been going through as well. I know I'm in complete rebellion and finally starting to deal with it again. I started up Thin Within again because I know now that this is something I've got to let God deal with and forget my own efforts. I'm actually trying to work on being very transparent on this journey too by posting my journal entries on my blogs...this way I know God will get the credit and glory. We can do this because quite frankly He is there ready to help us through it!

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DMC10241 12/15/2011 8:50AM

    Wow... you could be writing this blog for me! And I agree... if a "friend" isn't able to still be your friend after seeing what's in our inner closets, they aren't a friend at all. The thing I have to get over, is the FEAR of that. I need to realize the only one I have to please is God. God loves us no matter the number on the scale.

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SKUNKY4 12/15/2011 8:45AM

    Jenni I could have written most of your blog. Somewhere inside of me is a very organized person. "A place for everything and everything in its place". Somewhere there is a very healthy woman who wants to exercise, be fit, always eat healthy. I am telling you what I tell me self all the time....One step at a time, one pound at a time,one box,one drawer,one closet!
I am the queen of beating myself up looking at past failures,another 5lb weight gain, another bout of shoving stuff everywhere because companies coming! You are so right with your last paragraph. We really can not do this alone. Jenni, I will do my best to pray for you and I hope you will do the same for me. Remember With God ALL things are possible!

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    I can relate to about all of this- just the weight number is different. I'm sure I gained around the same amount as you in the same amount of time this year. Frustrating, isn't it? We do need to let Jehovah Rapha (our healer/need meeter) work in us.

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Sunday, September 04, 2011

When my computer gets sluggish, slow, starts doing things I don't want it to do, I hit click Start, Log Off Computer, Restart . Usually that works but sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, I don't just shrug my shoulders, mutter "oh well, maybe I'll try again tomorrow" and walk away.

When the standard reboot doesn't work I hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Sometimes even that doesn't work. Do I give up? No, it's a machine and I am a tad impatient so I push the power button.

And when that doesn't work? (Did I mention I'm impatient?) I unplug the silly thing and plug it back in.

So when my own personal machine started getting sluggish, slow, and started doing things I didn't want it to, was I impatient and impudent? No, I gave myself a zillion excuses and pitiful passes.

No more! Now, I realize if I hit my computer with a baseball bat, that won't beat it into submission. And beating myself with guilt and unattainable goals isn't the best approach either.

So today is September 4, 2011. I weigh 10 pounds more now than I did right after Christmas 2010. I weigh 10 pounds more now than I did on January 1 of this year.

My gentle but unwavering goal for the remainder of the year is to lose those 10 pounds and consider 2011 a wash in the field of weight loss. My goal is to cheer in 2012 10 pounds lighter than I am today.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNEYV 9/9/2011 9:43PM

    Reboot is a perfect term to use. Life is a continual process of reevaluating. You can be those 10 lbs lighter. I have not even gotten on the scales since July and am hesitant to do so. You are not the only one to ever not achieve the perfect goal, but God has plans for us all, plans to prosper us, if we walk in His ways.
Still doing Zumba? I tried it and loved it, but the girl that was leading it is with child and has decided that she can't maintain it as she had hoped. Life happens!
Keep working on that first of the year goal. It is a lot easier to loose it now than a year from now when it is more settled in. emoticon

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KADULAC 9/6/2011 6:00PM

    I love your analogy. I understand it. My computer is dying, and I have to reboot it a lot. Looking at weight loss that way is great. Everyday is new, and we cannot just give up and walk away. I know you will lose those 10 pounds, and hope you will lose more than that before the end of the year. We're here for you. emoticon emoticon

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DMC10241 9/6/2011 12:56PM

    emoticon reboot... perfect. So glad you're not giving up... or beating yourself with a baseball bat, lol. We all need to reboot at one time or another.

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SKUNKY4 9/6/2011 9:41AM

    I'm right there with you on so many of my goals. I will join you in the reboot. Together we can do it!

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RACHELLTAYLOR81 9/5/2011 5:40PM

    You can do it! emoticon to the rest of your successful life!

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SBHPATRICK 9/5/2011 2:10AM

    Reboot is the perfect term for it. You can do it!

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WILDFLOWERR_ 9/4/2011 10:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELSCO55 9/4/2011 9:59PM

    You can do it.

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Monday, July 11, 2011

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNEYV 7/13/2011 8:54AM

    Thanks for sharing. Guess that those excuses are just that, excuses! That said I'll take myself to the garden and get busy. Hope that you 60 day challenge is coming well. Praying for you! emoticon

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AKATUJE 7/12/2011 2:45AM

    Wow!!! Thank you for sharing. I use those myself sometimes...

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SKUNKY4 7/11/2011 6:12PM

    Good video! I use some of those excuses...a lot!!! Guess it's time to change. I better just.."DO IT"!
Thanks for sharing!

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The One Thing I Excel At

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The one thing I have proven over and over in my life that I excel at is gaining weight. I am convinced I am the world's slowest loser and fastest gainer. On April 7, 2011 I weighed 215. This morning, June 26, 2011 I weigh 236.8. Seriously gained 20 pounds in two months.

I am not going to wax prose and wonder aloud how I got here. I know every Coke, cupcake, and croissant that crossed my lips that helped me gain. I know every day I chose to sleep in, cruise Facebook, or who knows what instead of running or going to Zumba helped me pack it back on.

Ugh. Just ugh. I used to say "I just want to be really, really good at SOMETHING" because I have always been mediocre at a lot of things. Now I know what I excel at and I hate it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KADULAC 6/28/2011 1:31AM

    I'm sorry to hear that. I know how you feel. I haven't gained back a lot, but I have gained some back since my daughter graduated last month. I have struggled with eating healthy and working out since having family here. We just have to take it one day at a time. You can do this. It is hard to get everything under control. Getting one small step under control at a time feels wonderful. It took me a year to get serious and start getting things under control. You will get there. emoticon

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PENNEYV 6/27/2011 5:16AM

    I feel for you girl. Been there, done that and so sorry that I did. There are no easy cures for that yoyo factor and there are so many factors that it is impossible sometimes to pinpoint just one cause or to control everything in our lives. Lots of platitudes here could be said, but let God control. This is a lesson that I learned way too late and have resulted in permanent damage to myself. You can still make positive choices. Summer with the emoticon is the time to be out, be active and make wonderful choices with your family. Don't lament over the emoticon. Toss it aside for awhile and enjoy a really healthy summer. Challenge them to run with you! They will love it and be your built in motivation! emoticon emoticon

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JUST-AMY 6/26/2011 9:56AM

    I have lost 90 lbs since I joined Spark. Check my tracker. It reflects less than 30. Truth is, I master do-overs! I hear you girl. I do. This is my last time at the past 26ish. This time, I learned about my food allergies and why I repeatedly ate craved ate craved ate and craved the same ole' same'oles.....

I can't eat sugar and wheat and grain stuff now. I am medically certified as allergic to all yeasts, and all grains. The first 10 days were like dealing with a real drug addiction. Had to start over, oh--5-6 times. I've had to start over again since then, too. In fact, I'm on a weekend get away, and know that on Tuesday, face a "starting that over again" phase. But I can, and I will. I felt 20 years younger, stronger, and faster without that crap! And yes, a body CAN and WILL survive without it.

You can do this. If you have the opportunity and health coverage, see if food allergies are your issue?!! You just may be as surprised as I was!

I am cheering for you. You don't have to be the best at "winning pounds." You know that Cokes, cupcakes and croissants are crap. You also know that berries, lean proteins, veggies, and fruits are gifts out of God's green earth to power the peeps upon it. If He had thought Twinkies were a good idea, they would have been in the Garden of Eden!

You go girl, You GO! emoticon

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