Friday, December 16, 2011
I recently discovered the TV show "Mike & Molly" and loved when Harry told Mike, "Hitch your wagon of weakness to my tow truck of will-power." Too funny.
So I had made some good choices yesterday. Right now I am just trying to get through the holidays without gaining any weight...that is my goal. I'm not trying to lose weight these next two weeks, I'm practicing self-control and awareness.
So, good choices:
Even though there is a cake sitting on my counter I did not touch it except to slice and serve it to children
Even though my candy cabinet is overflowing I did not eat any (I did eat a piece of homemade toffee but I did not touch the pre-wrapped kisses, KitKats, M&Ms, York Peppermint Patties, etc.)
Even though, in a moment of weakness, I bought a Butterfinger candy bar Tuesday, it is still sitting in my purse, untouched.
I went to another instructor's Zumba class
I've been invited to teach Zumba at a new studio so beginning January 2 I will be teaching 3 additional classes plus bringing back 1 of my own so I'll be teaching 5 times a week. This new studio is offering BodyPump as well and I'm hoping to get in there a try a couple of classes. I plan to do the Daniel Fast again in January, however with the Zumba class load I know I need more protein than the fast offers so I will be adding meat and cheese (no dairy other than cheese).
Hopefully between the added exercise and modified diet the will start ticking the opposite direction. Imagine how much weight I would have put back on had I not continued teaching Zumba all this time!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It is 4:03 am and I can't sleep. I just have a lot on my mind. I used to work with a guy who would tell me "Girl, you may have a lot of problems but an overcrowded mind is not one of them."
I had company this week and in an effort to clean, as I am wont to do, I started shoving things in boxes and bags and placing these boxes and bags in various places out of sight. At one point I stopped using boxes and bags and just started filling drawers and cabinets with stuff. Out of sight, out of mind.
My house looks good right now. Some more discerning people might walk into my house and see that the floorboards could use a wipe down and the walls need new paint but I think, comparatively speaking, it looks pretty good. Just don't open a door or a drawer....any of them.
Most of my house looked this good about 3 weeks ago when we had company. I emailed a friend at the time and said "I invited everyone back for December 13, I am going to do my best to keep the house clean until then, that's my goal." Well, little by little, a cup left out here, a box to sort there, a few days of skipped laundry, etc. the house looked like an episode of Hoarders in no time. I had to start from scratch to get it clean again.
In April 2010 I started a weight loss journey. Actually it was more of a this-depression-and-extra-weight-are-choki
if-I-can-make-it-another-day journey. I weighed an all-time high of 270 pounds and was in a pretty dark place. I was able to lose about 50 pounds through exercise and modified eating. I started the new year, 2011 weighing 227, just 7 pounds over my wedding weight.
By April 2011 I had given up hope and slowly (or not as the case may be) started putting weight back on. None of this is new if you've been following my Spark Blog for any length of time. I have now gained about 30 pounds since April. My weight is right around 250.
I think if you could crack me open and look inside, you'd see boxes and bags full of miscellaneous stuff. Clutter. Body clutter. I read one time that a person who lives in clutter has a cluttered mind. I scoffed at that at the time. I did *NOT* have a cluttered mind. But as I sit here now I believe that 110%. I can't focus, I can't remember anything. I missed my Zumba class the other morning, despite having set the alarm. I woke up, ready to face the day, I got up, started doing laundry, read my Bible, made breakfast. About 10:00, 1/2 hour after my class starts, I remembered, "Oh yeah, THAT'S why I set the alarm," Doofwad.
ANYWAYS, I realize now that as I was exercising and losing weight, it was all good - those are healthy things. But my mom was a dietician and I grew up in America, of course I know how to diet and exercise. What I don't know how to do is deal with emotions or how to stop self-medicating.
I laid here on the couch last night watching a show online with my husband. Had a good day, not eating wise but emotionally. If you asked me I would tell you I was content and satisfied. And yet I ate about 4 mini York peppermint patties and 5 Hershey's kisses. Why? I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sad. Well, I must have been something. There are boxes and bags and just handfuls of random stuff thrown into my inner closet.
God and I have a lot of work to do. One of my favorite stories/tracts is one I've had since I was 12 or 13 called "My Heart, Christ's Home" in which the author goes through every room in his house and talks about what Christ would change. I just found and reread this the other day and he talks about some putrid, rotting smell coming from a hall closet. Christ asks him what that awful smell is, it smells as if something has died and is decaying. The author scoffs at the suggestion and downplays it but even he can't deny the smell is overwhelming. Christ suggests the author open the door but he refuses so Jesus asks permission to open it. Once there the author realizes hidden sins that he had either forgotten or was in denial that they were there.
My sins aren't such that I am in denial or have forgotten (although I'm not suggesting there aren't unrealized sins in my life) but more of a refusal to let them go. I *LIKE* eating. I *LIKE* the cool creaminess of ice cream. I have very fond memories of certain foods with certain occasions. I *LIKE* Coca Cola. A lot. A whole lot. It's just simply out and out rebellion.
If you were to come over to my house and ask me to open up all of my drawers and doors I'm pretty certain you would be aghast. I'm even fairly certain you wouldn't ever come back to my house again and the irrational side of me whispers that your probably wouldn't even be my friend anymore. I know that is Satan whispering lies to me because if you don't want to be my friend because I don't have a good filing system then I probably don't need to be friends with you.
But I simply must open these drawers and doors in my heart and let God in to help me organize, declutter and sweep it all out. Because losing all the excess weight is not going to solve the core issues of sneak eating and binge eating. Only letting Jesus heal those areas and fill them up with His Holy Spirit is going to do that.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
When my computer gets sluggish, slow, starts doing things I don't want it to do, I hit click Start, Log Off Computer, Restart . Usually that works but sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, I don't just shrug my shoulders, mutter "oh well, maybe I'll try again tomorrow" and walk away.
When the standard reboot doesn't work I hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Sometimes even that doesn't work. Do I give up? No, it's a machine and I am a tad impatient so I push the power button.
And when that doesn't work? (Did I mention I'm impatient?) I unplug the silly thing and plug it back in.
So when my own personal machine started getting sluggish, slow, and started doing things I didn't want it to, was I impatient and impudent? No, I gave myself a zillion excuses and pitiful passes.
No more! Now, I realize if I hit my computer with a baseball bat, that won't beat it into submission. And beating myself with guilt and unattainable goals isn't the best approach either.
So today is September 4, 2011. I weigh 10 pounds more now than I did right after Christmas 2010. I weigh 10 pounds more now than I did on January 1 of this year.
My gentle but unwavering goal for the remainder of the year is to lose those 10 pounds and consider 2011 a wash in the field of weight loss. My goal is to cheer in 2012 10 pounds lighter than I am today.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The one thing I have proven over and over in my life that I excel at is gaining weight. I am convinced I am the world's slowest loser and fastest gainer. On April 7, 2011 I weighed 215. This morning, June 26, 2011 I weigh 236.8. Seriously gained 20 pounds in two months.
I am not going to wax prose and wonder aloud how I got here. I know every Coke, cupcake, and croissant that crossed my lips that helped me gain. I know every day I chose to sleep in, cruise Facebook, or who knows what instead of running or going to Zumba helped me pack it back on.
Ugh. Just ugh. I used to say "I just want to be really, really good at SOMETHING" because I have always been mediocre at a lot of things. Now I know what I excel at and I hate it.
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