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On a Shopping Mission

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Well, I think my last entry alienated my audience. Anger does that. I want to forgive but it is a tall order most days. It takes work. I did go clothes shopping this week though and without spending a lot I got some great stuff. I got a multicolored scarf that's made of viscose and wool. The colors are deep blue and blue green on the other side. There is also grey, plum and violet on the scarf. That cost 4.99 at ARC Value Village and looks new. I got a plum colored Lands End shirt to go with it. Again, only 4.99. and looking brand new at the ARC Value Village thrift store where I help people with disabilities even as I shop. So I don't need to feel guilty about money spent. I need the clothing and it serves a good cause and somehow I always manage to find stuff that's not far from new.

On my second trip this week for much needed jeans and trousers, I went to Savers where I can usually find my size. Savers is another thrift store and it helps people new to this country learn retail skills and also helps people with disabilities. I got Levi's in my size that look like new jeans. When I was young I always wanted Levi's but never got them. I could never afford them. They were only 12.99 and as I say they appear to be almost brand new. Retail price is about 50.00 or more for Levi's these days. Then I got a pair of jeans that my age contemporaries would wear which is called Coldwater Creek, which is an upscale women's brand. Those were 14.99 and I think retail they might have run 50 to 70. Again they were like new. Then I got a pair of grey and black woven trousers and they only went for 5.99 and the brand was Briggs. About 28.00 to 35.00 retail. They were not like brand new but once I iron and starch them they ought to look nice. Then I got an indulgence which was a top for 4.99 which looked new and was that striated stuff but it had textures and colors like this wispy fabric on the smock and sateen on the middle panel. I don't know why textures always draw me in. I should look at the garment care tags before falling for different textures and look for more things I can mix and match. That was my modest shopping haul and it made me happy. It made me feel like I have a mission and a niche on this earth.

What would make me even happier is to lose this weight, get healthier physically and mentally and add more pieces slowly but surely, never forgetting I take up space on this planet and deserve good things despite my crabby moments. 97% of the time I'm a really nice person and do a lot for other people. It would make me happy to keep acknowledging and reaffirming my place on this planet this way. No matter what weight I am I deserve decent clothes.

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 9/26/2013 6:30PM

    Yes you do! And such bargains, great shopping trip. Wish I had an ARC Value Village in my neck of the woods.

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Searching through the Rubble for Remnants of My Self

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Well, it's my big weekend off. I only get one of those every other week. I didn't call a friend yet this weekend. I've been a little preoccupied by finding pants in my size. I don't have enough work clothes. I only have one pair of Khaki jeans and one pair of Khaki trousers to my wardrobe. Sounds pretty bad and it is. I know I neglect myself this way because of the way I grew up. There was always money for my dad's wardrobe but none for mine. The one or two pairs of jeans I had in high school would have to do as I washed them over and over again. My dad on the other hand drove a jaguar, and we had a huge built in swimming pool in the back yard. But when I'd ask for money for a pair of jeans he said "what's wrong with the ones you have". He didn't see the need. It was all about him. My dad once indulged in a suede suit with a big star on the back. Meanwhile I guess I wondered what the heck. I didn't grow up in the best of circumstances but my dad never left my mom despite the fact that he philandered and beat on her and us kids. And so now I try to work through that as I am sure it has something to do with the way I do or don't value myself and the way I react to stress in my life. During the week of the heart incident and after, I was ignoring calls from my dad. I just didn't feel strong enough physically to take one of his calls. It's always all about him and his girlfriend du jour. He never pays much attention to what I am going through or how things are for me. But the thing is that in some ways he still was a decent dad. He taught me to ride a bike. He told me I was beautiful even though I only had one or two pair of jeans to my wardrobe. He comforted me with a cut off rose from the yard when the kids at school ostracized me for not having decent clothes. Sooo... How hard can I make my heart now?

My dad is in really poor health and is aging fast. He has advanced heart disease and diabetes. He wants me to move to Florida to "give me a break "he says but I know full well I would be groomed to become his full time caregiver. That would literally kill me off. I would never be able to survive that emotionally. He gets meals on wheels and he gets a nurse out each day to help him clean his place and shower safely. He doesn't need me and I don't need to squelch my self care to serve him. I did break down and call him yesterday and he told me about a young Filipino woman he had met on line that wants to marry him. I knew once my cousins started him on the internet it would not take him too long to try to fulfill his needs that way. I don't know which one to feel more sorry for: This Filipino lady or my dad. I have a feeling she will disappear as soon as she gets citizenship but who knows. She might be messed up enough to stay. I just think, better her than me. I would come out now and then on a mercy mission to make sure he's not totally pissing her off to the point she wants to put a pillow over his face. You don't want to mess with Filipino's. They seem very tough. He might just get what he deserves if you know what I mean. I have no interest in moving to Florida. A bunch of old Republican Italian men. Save me from having too much fun.

He just has no idea that I have friends and a work life and a sense of belonging here. It figures. He thinks I should just throw it all away on a dime to go and help him out. What's my life worth anyhow? Clearly not much to him. Some things never change. Weird how I still love him and weird how at age 52 I am finally getting in touch with my anger at him so that I can better function and find my health. I should not feel guilty about it but I do. I very much do.


Still in the Running but a Little Out of Breath

Friday, September 20, 2013

It's been an interesting two days. Yesterday I had a job interview and a doctor appointment and the realization that I really don't like my regular physician. I'm not going to say too much about that here but I think I will switch to someone else by the time it's time for a new checkup. I figured if I get the job I might be under another insurance program anyway. Right now its just pretty nerve wracking applying for health care programs and hoping the county approves it. I have no other way to pay these medical bills I incurred with the hospital stay and the follow up appointments they gave me.

So let me go over getting ready for the interview yesterday. After midnight on the 19th, I would say at 1:00 a.m I woke up and could not get back to sleep. So I laid in my bed until four knowing I should sleep but not being able to. At four I woke up to get ready. I was not happy with my hair because it needed a trim and maybe some layering. I ate, brushed my teeth and did my nails which I always try to do when I have an interview but don't always succeed. The damn polish was Sally Hanson insta-dry and it did not quite insta dry. So it took a while before I could get my p.j's off and get in the shower. That nail polish is higher priced because it's supposed to have quick drying properties and even when I put my hair dryer on it to speed it up it didn't dry! Grrrr. The way manufacturers dupe women out of their hard earned pay!

But the color was lovely. An almost clear pink irridescent. It went so well with the shimmery watercolor type blouse and silver jacket I had on with a pair of navy blue Chaps. These outfits don't come easy by me. They are a combination of what I can get on a birthday gift card what I have to shell out for(the chaps slacks) and some good old consignment store shopping( the silvery linen outer top. I am a size 22 right now but I do have a nice complexion and good hair on my side. Only about three greys in my hair makes me hopeful they will never guess my age. Except for those dark circles under my eyes. While looking for concealer I dropped a bottle of nail polish remover on my toe. I tried nylons but decided it was too much like stuffing a sausage and with the heart problems last weak I didn't want more circulation problems. Better not to tempt fate. I just wore some nice trouser socks. I put my hair up in a French twist and by the time I had wrestled myself into this outfit I was looking pretty good for 52. I hope.

Anyhow, I felt overdressed when I got to the interview. I won't comment on what they had on but I hoped I didn't spiff up too much. Before I got there I brushed up on my interview questions and reread the job description. I think the interview went well. They looked pleased with the answers I gave. I prayed I would get it and did a thank you email a couple hours after the interview reminding them how much I wanted the job and of course reminding them of the work skills that I had that matched. So if any of you read this please send a prayer my way. I really need to pay for these hospital bills and I really need decent insurance.

Well now I have to go for my other doctor appointment. Some kind of vascular follow up. But at least it will be a doctor I don't know well this time. Maybe someone who is not as arrogant as my general practitioner. Better not get my hopes up too high though.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COUNTESS_CRUNCH 9/21/2013 3:45PM

  Thank You! emoticon

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PRINCESS_SOFI 9/20/2013 5:17PM

    Good luck on the job! You can never be overdressed for an interview.


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Under Pressure

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Well, I am back to work at both my part time jobs. I am upset that I don't have insurance coverage. I am applying for Medical Assistance or Minnesota Care. Whichever program fits my needs I guess. I have an interview for a full time job with decent benefits tomorrow. It seems the best choice for my current situation. I wish my health didn't fall apart and that I didn't need these followup appointments I have scheduled but I know I have worked to put a lot of tax money into the health care system so here is my chance to make good use of that.

I'm a little stressed about the follow up appointments as I am about the interview and my income challenges as a whole. I am wondering if the interview outfit I have lined up for tomorrow will cut it. I wish I could afford to pull it together a little nicer. I need my hair cut and styled and also need a new bag and shoes and a sweater or blazer or both. In an ideal world I guess. I will just make sure to practice my interview questions then. I will have to be hired for what I can offer to an employer and not just for appearance. That's a tall order in this job market. Especially at age 52.

My food plan is going O.K. I don't have it down to a science yet but I am getting more knowledge and managed to lose 2.8 pounds so far, all while learning to cook with way less salt. I made great pork chops the other night flavored with onion mushroom and just a tiny bit of salt.



Cry or Die

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Just getting back to work after a scare last week. I had the beginning stage of a heart attack on Thursday and was at Methodist hospital at the time, taking my daughter to her sleep study appointment. So they took me down to the E.R and did some blood tests and ex rays. They gave me oxygen and baby aspirin. One of the blood tests they ran showed that an enzyme detected heart disease. Is that creatin? I don't know as I am not savvy to cardiac jargon.

The cardiologist ordered an angiograph which showed that although I have "great arteries" for a woman of 52 years I have some damage to my aorta based on stress. Wow. That suprised me. I was kept overnight for monitoring and they put me on some blood thinners and told me to follow a heart healthy low salt diet. I am a little daunted by that challenge just now because I have little idea how to cut the salt except to avoid the salty snacks and sodas I sometimes enjoy after work. As far as cutting the salt in my cooking I am mystified. How will I make it taste right I'm thinking.

During the hospital stay I shed several tears over work related issues. I had no idea I was carrying all that until I had heart symptoms. Then it felt like if I didn't cry I would go down with them. So I cried. I had seen a client pass away one day at my day job and had worries that I might one day find another client passed away soon as he has some serious self injurious behavior. I have to follow data privacy and Hipaa laws. I don't yet know how to vent without describing the stressor in detail. I hope I have been sufficiently vague here. Anyhow you get the picture there is big time stress in my life that I have to learn to deal with. Two releases that really help are walking and getting out in nature.

I had a chaplain visit in the hospital and he talked about ways to release the stress without giving away too much information. I started trying that the day after I got out. I called a friend and unloaded. I felt so much lighter.

Well, now the work of healing my heart is upon me. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AZURE-SKY 9/15/2013 8:36PM

  What a scare! You can vent privately. Why not start a journal for yourself. You don't have to show it to anyone, just write in it your own feelings, the things in your day that cause you stress, and how you handle it.

Even if you wanted to talk to someone, you don't have to give details of a patient's condition or their name, etc.,

As far as the low sodium diet, it's not that difficult. Replace salt with salt-free seasonings. I've been doing it for over 15 years, because my husband had high blood pressure. I find that most restaurant meals and prepackaged foods are too salty for my tasted.

Keep in mind that the RDA for sodium for a healthy person is 2300 mg per day, about 1 teaspoon. BUT - for someone with health issues, it has been lowered to 1500 mg per day. You can add sodium to your nutrition tracker.

Here's a link to a page on the Mayo Clinic website. They developed the DASH diet to lower blood pressure and lose weight.


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GODDREAMDIVA1 9/15/2013 6:25PM


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