Sunday, November 17, 2013
I don't know what to think of myself.
It seems to me that I'm once again letting it all go... well, wherever it wants!
I'm not talking about healthy eating and stuff. No. I'm really done with this BS. I'm miles ahead of my inner beast. I have a piece of chocolate in the house, and it's been here 12 days. I have no idea when I'll eat it and I don't worry about it. I'll have when I'll crave something sweet, and that could be in a few hours or months from now. I don't care. It's freaking chocolate. It won't help me solve anything. And it's not even the first time I do this. I've kept another piece of chocolate around the house before, and it stayed around the house for over 2 weeks before I have it. And I finally had it when I REALLY wanted it. So we're good.
The only thing that works right now is me sticking to my good, new-founded habits.
Or, to be honest, I may had a little slip last night... But it wasn't serious. I was within my calorie range, though to the upper limit... It was hellish bread again.
I was watching a movie. I had already had dinner but I was hungry still. And I wanted seconds. That would be alright if I listened to my stomach and not to my eyes and brain which told me that my tiny second portion wasn't gonna fill me up. So it came to be another full portion and extra bread. It was a setback, me allowing myself to think like that; to retreat to compulsive overeating once again, but i didn't let it bring me down. Today was a different day and I had absolutely NO binges. I exercised and all. So my mindset is wayyyyy healthier than before.
Of course weightloss is a quite different thing... I've been stuck in the same weight three weeks now, when I'm doing everything right. The only thing I'm not preparing myself is bread. And it's whole-wheat. I don't know, maybe there's more calories to it than what my nutrition tracker proposes... And I can tell that I generally have a lot of bread during the day, but at the expense of other foods, so it shouldn't matter this much. Besides, when I was still losing weight, I had bread anyway... well maybe less of it.... So this week I think I'll try to replace bread with extra fruits and veggies to see how it'll work for me. Maybe that's what's stalling me. But I really hope it's not. I like it too much to give it up. I will if I have to, of course. If that's what it's gonna take to be a smaller size, then to hell with bread. Plus, it might be disappointing to look at the same number every week, but I can tell I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE.
Boy, does it feel good to say it... I'm doing my best.
And I'm a very obstinate person. Very obstinate AND patient. AND competitive. Once I start seeing the scale as a rival, BE CERTAIN I'll take it down and make it wish it had NEVER EVER been invented! I'm just not angry enough yet. You'll see guys, if someday you say "scale" and you don't remember what that word means, it'll be because Joanna will have really kicked its butt, smashed the f*** out of it and then blown it to heII. And I can tell you won't hear of it again. EVER again.
So my journey is generally kickin' a$$ now. It's not perfect, it's not as good as I'd want, but it's still... a journey. It's not about the scale anymore, it's about myself and how much better I can be. It's the first time in my life I think this way. And I can tell I'm ecstatic that I do.
What isn't going so well is my attitude and mindset when it comes to everything else BUT healthy living.
I'm really messing up my social life (which isn't social yet, actually. it's the life of an anarchist hermit who means it when she says she just DOESN'T CARE about tomorrow or today). I told myself that I'd try to be out there, dilligent with my studies (i hardly ever went to classes almost a year now because I was depressed and unaware of it), trying to make friends and stuff. But somehoe I feel so much better locked inside my home, letting everything else out and away from me. I started not going to classes again. I sit inside all day and wonder why I feel so crappy when I go outside. I'm not approaching people, when I am out there I'm looking forwaard to get back inside and lock everyone else out. I hope I'll figure it out. I've been on antidepressants since July and my mood has improved A LOT. But I'm still not doing great.
To be honest, it might be that I'm also not head over heels with what I study. Economics I like, I just don't like that much of it. I'd rather be an artist. But it's been a long time since I sat down and transform my feelings or my memories into a poem or a short story. I don't feel I have something of importance to tell the world. And I don't think I'm talended in the first place. In fact, I've even come to dislike writing. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of even trying to interpret my thoughts into a text. My head is such a bad place for me to be... I want to get out of there. Point is, even if I didn't study Economics and I was an artist, I'd most probably still hate every minute of it. Oh, I really wanna punch me in the face!
So yeah, I guess I'll keep fighting my way out of the house... I have to promise myself that next weekend I'll go out with someone. And I have to promise myself that this week I'll attend all my classes. HeII, that's a lot of promises I'm making...
Anyway, I'll try to do at least some of it. I know I can. I just don't know if I want to. No, I know I want to. But I love that part of me which doesn't want to a little too much not to let it have its way. Oh, and now I'm delirious. I can. I just wish I could say I WILL.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
I had an amazing day today.
First of all, I forgot my keys inside the house, so I had to call for help. There were 2 problems though:
1) I was broke
2)my cellphone was out of range for calls.
I somehow managed to call my bro who was more than angry to borrow me a bunch of precious bucks. So I was no longer broke. But I still needed to alarm some neighbour of mine, to let me use their phone. Trouble was, because I've been depressed (i was recently diagnosed with that) and so so so socially anxious, i don't have any kind of relationships with my neighbours at all. And now I had to rely on them for help???? Omg, please kill me now! I hate to be in need of something I cannot provide for myself, and I despise asking for help. But there was no other way. I had to alarm somebody.
After all, I wanted to be in time for a dark poetry reading downtown. I've been looking forward to today because of that. I even took a day off university to psychologically prepare myself for the Awesome Event.
There's a saying in my part of the world that goes: "When people make plans, Gods laughs." I bet that if there is really an omni- something guy up there, he had one of his best laughs with me today.
I finally mustered the courage to alarm a neighbour of mine who's been friendly to me before, though I never liked her because she's one of those old people who're always looking to mingle with people's lives. So she let me make that phone call and... I was surprised at myself.
Look at me. I can handle stuff with people. I didn't faint. I didn't begin to scream out of randomness. I wasn't uncomfortable. I was everything I was supposed to be. Normal. Kind. Cool. Positive.
This isn't an "a-ha" moment. I've noticed myself improving every day. It's just another of those chances I've failed to see in the past to feel good about... Well, being a survivor. There was no reason for me to feel good today. No poetry, my day was wasted away and I was completely off with the things I wanted to do during the day.
But somehow, I don't care.
I'm being social. I haven't been socially comfortable since juniour school. Maybe even kindergarten. Despite my visiting several psychologists all these years, everybody failed to see how bad I really was. I feel like Sleeping Beauty. Like I was sleeping for a hundred years and I'm suddenly awake and eager to get on with the things I've been avoiding for so long. People. Doing stuff. Be out there. Be somebody. Not just "surving the days" but L I V I N G the days.
No day is a good day. Every day is cra-p-py, if I want to be un ungrateful realist.
But every day is a blessing too. Instead of thinking of how your day got screoood up by an unfortunate event like the one I had today, think of how lucky you are to be fit to have such everyday problems.
He--ck, having keys means I have a home!
Being the owner of a cellphone means I'm part of the freakin' "developped" high-quality-of-life western world!
Being broke means I am clever and self-conscious enough to be able to recognize the fact that money isn't always rolling in our pockets, hence we often have to make do with what we were gifted with. Knowing that I'm broke means I know what having money is like, and that I can tell when I need to save some bucks. That's freakin' wisdom!
Having an angry brother to wipe MY dirty bu-t-t for ME is a blessing. Having a family who cares and is there for me no matter how bad I am or how shi-t-ty I can turn a situation to, is a blessing.
I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
I just can't always see that.
Of course, I've been on medication a few months now and I've been told I'll be on meds for a long time.
But really, it's like a veil has been lifted off my head. I am so more aware of the world and how it is the way it is.
I am an Albert Camus fan, and one of his teachings is that "there is only one reality out there. trouble is, no human being can see the reality as it is. Each one of us has to do with that tiny piece of reality we subjectively perceive. So, there is always a collision between what it is, and what we see as what it is." Camus would tell people to go outside and find the reason that would make their piece of reality worth living. He would urge people to create themselves from scratch, and their lives the way they wanted to, because they are free and because life is all about creating. Poor Camus dedicated his life to find the reason why people shouldn't just go and kill themselves out of the abscence of every possible meaning our existenece in this world could have. In the Past, I just couldn't understand why somebody would wanna do that. There was just nothing. I would wait and wait to see what comes next, to decide if there's something worth to live for, and it never came.
Now I know it'll never come. Not as I wait.
I have to be out there and do my part. And the rest will work out for the benefit of everyone. Life feels good to be lived. That's what depression has prevented me from feeling all these years. Even happy moments would have no meaning back then.
And what a surprise.
Now even unhappy moments start to make sense. ;D
I'm happy. For no other reason but because I'm happy.
Because I feel myself inside a body. Because of the pleasure to have a set of eyes that fill my soul with snapshorts of life every tiny piece of second. Because I feel I have a place in this world. I have a soul, People. I am not an accident. I have a soul to live for.
And I'm happy because I can be happy.
Sunday, September 09, 2012
well, i'm doing good. i know that.
but as long as the exam period is on, i can't relax. not for a moment. i just can't wait. i want to shed like 10 kgs in a week. i want to grab a sandwich, even if i've already had my breakfast, and eat it like it would help me relax. i haven't. and i won't. i keep feeling that if i don't go out and exercise at least for 30 minutes, i'm doing nothing at all.
like i've previously written, this is where i got lost last time. i didn't exercise and so i stopped losing weight.
i began tracking my food a few days ago, and it was cool to see what nutrional needs i met and which i didn't. but now this is an extra stress. i'm being paranoid, because there are a few nutrients that i fail to intake in a sufficient amount every day. i should eat more of certain foods, but how the hell can this be since i'm on a diet? i keep telling myself that. and i keep trying to meet my needs, but it just never happens.i don't want to supplement cause i don't believe much in them.
i think i do this out of a need to sabotage myself. see, i've never been a slim person. no matter how bad i want to be thin though, i have no idea how it feels like. and apparently, i'm subconsciously scared to find out. i've been fat most of my life. i know how it feels and i don't like it. but it's the only shape i know. i know how to function in this body. what is gonna change? i don't know.
it is a ridicolous situation. i mean, all people know that it is better, both for the person and the organism, to be thin. i know that too! and still my mind seems it doesn't want to go there. it doesn't have the guts or the confidence to show to the world and to its people that i can be a different, improved individual.
all the impatience is an outcome of my mind being a coward.
but you know what? i feel better now. it is the first time ever i express this fear. i had almost forgotten its existance and it kept taking control of me without my knowing.
ahh, deep breath. i needed that. it was good to write it all down.
thank you all for listening.
Friday, September 07, 2012
i remember the last time i was over 120 kg. i was like 13 years old and i was seeing a dietitian (again). i hadn't yet reached the 155 kg weight. but i was slowly giving up on everything. if i was over 120 kg, i could never make it. i had good intentions and i wanted to try. but i soon gave it up.i remember that i ate as usual all week long and on friday, which was our weekly meeting, i would not eat anything at all and i would exercise myself out for hours, so that the scale would show that i had lost weight.
anyway, this dietitian had told me, at our first meeting that i should make a saving box. i was supposed to throw in all the money i was about to waste on junk food unless i dieted. she said to me that when i'd reach my goal, i would open the box and count all the money i was going to spend on junk food before, and then i would spend them all on clothes that i couldn't wear before.
i liked that strategy. at that time of my life, i daily spend like 10-20 euros on stuff like chips, fries,chocolates,biscuits and all you can imagine. there were days i would be sick of eating and i would still not wanna stop, even if i was close to throwing up. this happened everyday, every single bloody day.
but i wasn't determined enough to keep it up. so i never saved anything. but think about it:if i saved at least 10 euros a day for 1 or 2 years (till i got to lose all the weight needed), i would have saved 3650to 7300 euros!!! this is a huge number for a teenager who doesn't make any money on her own. i would hit the stores and spent it all on things i've always wanted to wear- but never dared. i would actually have a hard time getting it all wasted! :p
well, the point i'm making here, is that, even if it didn't work with me (but remember, i was a miserable teenager who only found pleasure in eating and wasn't all that determined to change her life like most people here are), i think it is a brilliant way to reward yourself.and even if you cannot be that patient, you could count the money in the box once in a month (and spend them too! :D ).
just wanted to share this.hope it turns out useful to some of you. :)
wish you all lots of pounds lost!
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
well, as i've previously said, this week i couldn't focus on my diet. studing was hard and i couldn't exercise. so i weighted in today, believing that i had gained all the loss back. but instead, i got surprised, as i've lost 0.5 kg since i last climbed on the scale! and i didn't even try. i am happy. it translates into : my metabolism is working. rest was good, now it's over, so let's get back to our regular weight! :)
but still i can't help worrying. i know that once i'll have shed off 10% of my weight, it will get harder. in my case, 10% means 12,5 kgs or 25 pounds i guess. which means that once i get back to my regular weight, it's gonna get harder. and since i was previously in the "i can't lose a gram" state, so it is gonna be now. ok, this is not for sure but i've suffered enough over this these last two years. if significant weight loss doesn't happen now ( i need to get a to a 2-digit number, which means at least 20 kgs), i think i'll be desperate and will slowly go back to the severely obese person i was.
but hope is always on. i promised i'd be patient this time. if i notice than i haven't lost anything in a week's time, i will weight back in again in two weeks, not sooner. wish that patience will be rewarded though. :)
well, i wish all of you wonderful and strong spark fighters out there are going well too.
feel proud for the important decision you made and do your very best. the progress won't just be on one's body, but in a huge variety of other things. trust me, once you'll get like 10 kgs closer to your goals, you're not gonna believe what you'll experience.
hope you'll all make it sooner than you hope. :)
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