Monday, June 23, 2014
I've decided to start blogging regularly.
I've always found that I'm one of those people who do it better when they do it in writing; might even have something to do with my ever-wanting to become a writer...?
I do keep a journal, where I update the main facts and grand thoughts of my life (hand-written), because my memory started to weaken about the same time I became self-conscious of my emotional traumas, while still a juniour; and it helps me keep track of how I am and how I evolve, along with immortalising my memories (which remembrance only lasts so long in my fog of a head).
But I can't do that much too often, right? Time goes on and it never waits for anyone. And I've been running against the clock a long time now.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry.
The point is, life has gotten a lot more stressful than it used to be, and I just can't keep my weight loss mentality to my own anymore; as ignoring that mentality just keeps getting easier and easier as other things come to focus.
I have to remind myself:
MY LIFE IS NOT ABOUT MY WEIGHT.
There is much to see and to do, and I must break free of my past labels. The fat kid grew up, slimmed down, mellowed out. As that kid no longer exists, I have to create a new identity for myself. That of a person reminiscent of her presence, aura and action; and not by her weight or bulk.
What life is like now:
There have been major changes and much hurt since December. I moved twice, both to another cities, but both were places I was somewhat familiar with (bro's app and family home). But no move worked and I'm considering a re-location again. Maybe I'll go back to living in Athens on my own or with my sister, or maybe I'll do Erasmus in some foreign country, I don't know. All I know is I'm not staying where I am now.
My psychiatrist suggested the first move. She didn't want me to do the 2nd move, but I felt helpless; so I "disobeyed". Haven't met her since.
My mother suggested I came back to our family house, so that they could take care of me (in case you've missed it, I've been on meds for depression and anxiety for 333 days now.
But instead, it's the other way around; I'm taking care of them- but it's not like I wasn't expecting that.
I try not to complain.
I decided to be over with some of my classes this exam period and get tested on 4 of them. I already got tested on 1 of them and think I did fairly well; but as the next date approaches my obsessions and insecurities are amplified. I'm even thinking not to get tested for that 2nd class- such is the emotional paralysis and mental numbness I'm experiencing.
But it is the only difficult class I was planning to get tested on; so if I back up now, I'll feel really bad about myself; useless and unskilled.
Since 10 days, my doc reduced my antidepressant dose, after talking with me.
He asked me: "do you feel all strong and well?" I replied "yeah, so I believe", but what I really was thinking was to try something more potent instead. This med has helped me, but as time goes by, I feel its influence less and less. I know I should have proposed that, but I can't communicate with people as well as your average jane. I have to try, and sometimes I just fail.
That new lower dose is playing havoc with my psyche now that it's the exam period, and I've almost decided to switchback to the highest dose till I see my doc again. These past few nights, I've been having crying outbreaks just before I fall asleep, and sleeping is so much tiring to accomplish. I think I need some stress reliever added to my mix too. But I dread to let the doc know. I dread the "how are you feeling" conversation. I just want to be left alone in my never-ending labyrinth of nightdreams and never wake up again, much less talk about it.
I once had a therapist who made me write instead of talking; because she realised I couldn't be approached in any different way. I'd just get into her office, suspiciously sit on my seat and say nothing. She had to figure out what was bothering me. She made the questions and I answered trying to conceal what I felt should be concealed, and talk about the less dangerous stuff. So she started giving me writing assignments about the next time i'd see her, and I remember how embarrased I felt after handing my notes on to her. Why did I write all that stuff? I'd always changed my mind about it and feel out of my comfort zone, which means it probably worked, right?
Talking about writing, it's funny how I only want to write (creatively) during the exam period, isn't that funny? I've been in a writer's block for 7 years now, it only gets worse, and the only time I seem to snap out of it is when I can't actually write????
Well, on to the health updates:
I had some bloodtests done which revealed I'm heavily deficient in vitamin D. Depression and lowering of that vitamin go hand in hand, but the medical community still can't decide which causes which. Since I'm vegan, I tried to make sure to get my daily sunshine, but as I've always been more of a nightowl, I guess I didn't do as well as I thought on that front. I was to blame my veganism too for having such low levels, but the doc said that for levels to be that low, I have to be lacking an enzyme instead (add that to limited absorption of iron and vit b12 which also heavily run in my family...), so I've started supplementation for that too.
Weightwise, I know I've put some kgs on now that I'm studing, not moving and not quite having the peace of mind required to attend to my dietary choices as properly as i should (where "choices" read "quantities". didn't broke my "whole foods" attitude at all, so that's a win).
I've been trying to lose these kgs for almost 10 days now and I think I've come back to the weight I was. I still dread the scale though and won't be stepping on it soon. I'd very much rather see a new weight in 15 days, than an approximation of my previous weight. No, thank you very much.
I'm trying to take to walking again, and yesterday I had a nice 105 minute walk by some beautiful, (seaside mostly) vintage mansions of my hometown. Didn't enjoyed one bit though. My mind was sitting on my heart, drifting them both deep underground. When I finished, I was almost crying. Walking ALWAYS made me feel better. Well, not this time; it didn't help.
Today I'm walking to the town's beacon.
My main priority should be the exam period, but I feel it's more than I can take at the moment. So I'll do my best, study less than I should if I have to, and take my chances.
I'll be more active on spark, because right now my computer is the only thing that gives me some slur of joy.
I don't mind. A slur of joy is better than no joy at all, and being on my computer connecting with people is better than sleeping all day long.
2014 is half way in. It's a year of amends. I've lost some more weight, not much, and I'm battling on the rest of the grounds. Life seems to go nowhere, but I feel that when this is the case, each has to draw their own route and create their somewhere. Don't ask me how; I'll tell you when I find out. It's just that "somewhere" is more of a destination than "no direction".
This blog helped greatly to get in touch with myself. I was feeling really low when I started writing, but suddenly everything feels less gloomy than before.
Thank you for taking the interest to read through, may your patience be rewarded.
Love to all,
Saturday, May 03, 2014
My weight loss story has had many ups and downs. In my previous blog, "this is the slimmest I've ever been" I talked more about that. Fact is, I've been obese since childhood. Another fact is, I now weigh 98-99 kgs, which is probably what I'd weight when I was in 4th grade (and shorter).
I never thought I would see a two-digit Number on scale again... It's been so long that I hardly believe it is my weight showing there... When I step on the scale, I always do it with caution, stepping lightly and holding my breath during the First moments; because I fear it's not Real, that someone's playing a mean prank on the fat kid once again...
But guess what, b!tches.
I'm not fat. Not anymore. I'm curvy, maybe even chubby, but you can't call me fat anymore.
I have a collarbone. I have a waist. A pelvis that I can feel moving when I do, First time in my entire life. My thighs don't rub against each other and sometimes, through certain moves, there's even a hint of a thigh gap. My fingers are comfortable enough now with touch-screens, and I used to blame their big frame for that!
I've even found out, better late than ever, that my face isn't round-shaped but egg-shaped, with lovely angles. And they are as flattering as heII.
Yeah, people, you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
TRUST me, I've been battling my whole life. And the next win is always sweeter than the previous one.
Monday, December 09, 2013
Today is 9th December 2013. Today is the day I broke my "lowest weight" record. This is the slimmest I've ever been as an adult. This is the slimmest I've been since I was (younger than) 10 years old. I am 104.5 kgs or 232.2 lbs. I'm 29.5 kgs or 65.5 lbs overweight. OVERWEIGHT. :D
O V E R W E I G H T.
My weight timeline:
1) first weight loss attempt was when I was 8 years old and over 80 kgs/178 lbs.
2)Graduated juniour school 120kg/267 lbs.
3) Heaviest weight ever was 155.5 kgs or 345.5 lbs, when I was 15.5 years old. It was December 5th 2008.
4)Previous lowest weight was 105 kgs or 234 lbs in December 2009.
5)2009- 1011: My weight got stabilized in 110-115 kgs (244.4-255.5), even though I never stopped dieting and exercising. I would fall down 244 lbs sometimes, but it never last long. I just couldn't get down to 234 lbs again, i didn't know what it would take, but it certainly would take more than I could/wanted to give at that time.
6)2012-1013: I quitted on everything. Then I quitted on myself. My weight had gone back up and I was now 135 kgs or 300 lbs. For the first time since 2008 I had stopped dieting and my old unhealhty habits, those I thought I had kissed goodbye forever long ago, had settled back in, without my noticing.
7) July 25th 2013 I hit 300 lbs/135 kgs and was convinced to try dieiting again.
I did well for some time, fell off the wagon many times (and stayed off track for weeks), gain some weight back and then lost it again, plus some more. And one day I woke up and I saw how stupid I was being. I was doing great. Why did I have to sabotage myself when I had both the wisdom and the experience? I kicked my butt and decided to claim my everything back from oblivion.
8)Dec 9th 2013: I hit 104.5 kgs or 232.2 lbs. THE LOWEST WEIGHT I'VE EVER BEEN.
I'm still claiming my everything and I'm doing a pretty crappy job so far... But at least, even if I've given up on everything else once again, I haven't given up on myself. Or my weightloss.
Why? Because I need to be done with that, at last. I am almost 21 years old now and my whole life has been about losing that weight. The things I could have focused on or could have done if I just hadn't spent so much time trying to focus on losing weight. I need to put my energy into something else. I don't want to grow even older and live with the knowledge that I never beated my demons; that i am capable of so many wonderful things and i just did 1, which wasn't even in the list of things that interest me; it was simply getting rid of the baggage that other people/situations made me carry.
I want to be in my 30s and be proud of myself. I want to do things that count, that don't involve only "getting even" with myself or my past. I want new. I MUST do new.
This is a whole new chapter for me. I never thought I would drop beneath 105 kgs/234 lbs ever since I stopped losing weight. But then again, I never thought I would lose any weight at all when I was at my heaviest. :p And look at me, I am finally 51 kgs/113.3 lbs down that. And I'm still going. :D
A few thoughts creep into my mind now... I read in an article long ago that obese individuals, especially if they've been obese since childhood, may lose weight, but they'll never be in the healthy BMI range. They will go as far as overweight but not smaller.
I thought that was the case with me too. Being under 106.5 kgs/236.7 lbs puts me in the overweight range. I thought that was why I had stopped losing weight. I thought I would never fall down 105 kgs.
But I did.
I hit quite a few plateaus this time where I'd stopped losing weight for months. But I didn't give up. Because being unhealthy, at any weight, is just NOT the way to be anymore.
My life is full of problems. And I'm a very flawed person. You may wonder about my timeline "how could somebody be so young and gain so much?". YES, obviously it wasn't just me pigging out. I've been depressed as long as I've been fat, maybe even before that (somewhat chubby became chubby- always been on the curvier side).There's much more to my story than just laziness and gluttony.
And most of the time people just couldn't see that which made it even harder.
I don't know where you are with your story or how far you've come. But I can tell you that no matter where you are, no matter what has been so far, YOU CAN DO IT. Nobody can but you.
Decide it today. Work on habits, not on quick fixes. And forget that you're doing it. Remember you are when your clothes start feeling a little loose. Weigh in and embrace yourself and your victory.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I don't know what to think of myself.
It seems to me that I'm once again letting it all go... well, wherever it wants!
I'm not talking about healthy eating and stuff. No. I'm really done with this BS. I'm miles ahead of my inner beast. I have a piece of chocolate in the house, and it's been here 12 days. I have no idea when I'll eat it and I don't worry about it. I'll have when I'll crave something sweet, and that could be in a few hours or months from now. I don't care. It's freaking chocolate. It won't help me solve anything. And it's not even the first time I do this. I've kept another piece of chocolate around the house before, and it stayed around the house for over 2 weeks before I have it. And I finally had it when I REALLY wanted it. So we're good.
The only thing that works right now is me sticking to my good, new-founded habits.
Or, to be honest, I may had a little slip last night... But it wasn't serious. I was within my calorie range, though to the upper limit... It was hellish bread again.
I was watching a movie. I had already had dinner but I was hungry still. And I wanted seconds. That would be alright if I listened to my stomach and not to my eyes and brain which told me that my tiny second portion wasn't gonna fill me up. So it came to be another full portion and extra bread. It was a setback, me allowing myself to think like that; to retreat to compulsive overeating once again, but i didn't let it bring me down. Today was a different day and I had absolutely NO binges. I exercised and all. So my mindset is wayyyyy healthier than before.
Of course weightloss is a quite different thing... I've been stuck in the same weight three weeks now, when I'm doing everything right. The only thing I'm not preparing myself is bread. And it's whole-wheat. I don't know, maybe there's more calories to it than what my nutrition tracker proposes... And I can tell that I generally have a lot of bread during the day, but at the expense of other foods, so it shouldn't matter this much. Besides, when I was still losing weight, I had bread anyway... well maybe less of it.... So this week I think I'll try to replace bread with extra fruits and veggies to see how it'll work for me. Maybe that's what's stalling me. But I really hope it's not. I like it too much to give it up. I will if I have to, of course. If that's what it's gonna take to be a smaller size, then to hell with bread. Plus, it might be disappointing to look at the same number every week, but I can tell I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE.
Boy, does it feel good to say it... I'm doing my best.
And I'm a very obstinate person. Very obstinate AND patient. AND competitive. Once I start seeing the scale as a rival, BE CERTAIN I'll take it down and make it wish it had NEVER EVER been invented! I'm just not angry enough yet. You'll see guys, if someday you say "scale" and you don't remember what that word means, it'll be because Joanna will have really kicked its butt, smashed the f*** out of it and then blown it to heII. And I can tell you won't hear of it again. EVER again.
So my journey is generally kickin' a$$ now. It's not perfect, it's not as good as I'd want, but it's still... a journey. It's not about the scale anymore, it's about myself and how much better I can be. It's the first time in my life I think this way. And I can tell I'm ecstatic that I do.
What isn't going so well is my attitude and mindset when it comes to everything else BUT healthy living.
I'm really messing up my social life (which isn't social yet, actually. it's the life of an anarchist hermit who means it when she says she just DOESN'T CARE about tomorrow or today). I told myself that I'd try to be out there, dilligent with my studies (i hardly ever went to classes almost a year now because I was depressed and unaware of it), trying to make friends and stuff. But somehoe I feel so much better locked inside my home, letting everything else out and away from me. I started not going to classes again. I sit inside all day and wonder why I feel so crappy when I go outside. I'm not approaching people, when I am out there I'm looking forwaard to get back inside and lock everyone else out. I hope I'll figure it out. I've been on antidepressants since July and my mood has improved A LOT. But I'm still not doing great.
To be honest, it might be that I'm also not head over heels with what I study. Economics I like, I just don't like that much of it. I'd rather be an artist. But it's been a long time since I sat down and transform my feelings or my memories into a poem or a short story. I don't feel I have something of importance to tell the world. And I don't think I'm talended in the first place. In fact, I've even come to dislike writing. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of even trying to interpret my thoughts into a text. My head is such a bad place for me to be... I want to get out of there. Point is, even if I didn't study Economics and I was an artist, I'd most probably still hate every minute of it. Oh, I really wanna punch me in the face!
So yeah, I guess I'll keep fighting my way out of the house... I have to promise myself that next weekend I'll go out with someone. And I have to promise myself that this week I'll attend all my classes. HeII, that's a lot of promises I'm making...
Anyway, I'll try to do at least some of it. I know I can. I just don't know if I want to. No, I know I want to. But I love that part of me which doesn't want to a little too much not to let it have its way. Oh, and now I'm delirious. I can. I just wish I could say I WILL.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
I had an amazing day today.
First of all, I forgot my keys inside the house, so I had to call for help. There were 2 problems though:
1) I was broke
2)my cellphone was out of range for calls.
I somehow managed to call my bro who was more than angry to borrow me a bunch of precious bucks. So I was no longer broke. But I still needed to alarm some neighbour of mine, to let me use their phone. Trouble was, because I've been depressed (i was recently diagnosed with that) and so so so socially anxious, i don't have any kind of relationships with my neighbours at all. And now I had to rely on them for help???? Omg, please kill me now! I hate to be in need of something I cannot provide for myself, and I despise asking for help. But there was no other way. I had to alarm somebody.
After all, I wanted to be in time for a dark poetry reading downtown. I've been looking forward to today because of that. I even took a day off university to psychologically prepare myself for the Awesome Event.
There's a saying in my part of the world that goes: "When people make plans, Gods laughs." I bet that if there is really an omni- something guy up there, he had one of his best laughs with me today.
I finally mustered the courage to alarm a neighbour of mine who's been friendly to me before, though I never liked her because she's one of those old people who're always looking to mingle with people's lives. So she let me make that phone call and... I was surprised at myself.
Look at me. I can handle stuff with people. I didn't faint. I didn't begin to scream out of randomness. I wasn't uncomfortable. I was everything I was supposed to be. Normal. Kind. Cool. Positive.
This isn't an "a-ha" moment. I've noticed myself improving every day. It's just another of those chances I've failed to see in the past to feel good about... Well, being a survivor. There was no reason for me to feel good today. No poetry, my day was wasted away and I was completely off with the things I wanted to do during the day.
But somehow, I don't care.
I'm being social. I haven't been socially comfortable since juniour school. Maybe even kindergarten. Despite my visiting several psychologists all these years, everybody failed to see how bad I really was. I feel like Sleeping Beauty. Like I was sleeping for a hundred years and I'm suddenly awake and eager to get on with the things I've been avoiding for so long. People. Doing stuff. Be out there. Be somebody. Not just "surving the days" but L I V I N G the days.
No day is a good day. Every day is cra-p-py, if I want to be un ungrateful realist.
But every day is a blessing too. Instead of thinking of how your day got screoood up by an unfortunate event like the one I had today, think of how lucky you are to be fit to have such everyday problems.
He--ck, having keys means I have a home!
Being the owner of a cellphone means I'm part of the freakin' "developped" high-quality-of-life western world!
Being broke means I am clever and self-conscious enough to be able to recognize the fact that money isn't always rolling in our pockets, hence we often have to make do with what we were gifted with. Knowing that I'm broke means I know what having money is like, and that I can tell when I need to save some bucks. That's freakin' wisdom!
Having an angry brother to wipe MY dirty bu-t-t for ME is a blessing. Having a family who cares and is there for me no matter how bad I am or how shi-t-ty I can turn a situation to, is a blessing.
I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
I just can't always see that.
Of course, I've been on medication a few months now and I've been told I'll be on meds for a long time.
But really, it's like a veil has been lifted off my head. I am so more aware of the world and how it is the way it is.
I am an Albert Camus fan, and one of his teachings is that "there is only one reality out there. trouble is, no human being can see the reality as it is. Each one of us has to do with that tiny piece of reality we subjectively perceive. So, there is always a collision between what it is, and what we see as what it is." Camus would tell people to go outside and find the reason that would make their piece of reality worth living. He would urge people to create themselves from scratch, and their lives the way they wanted to, because they are free and because life is all about creating. Poor Camus dedicated his life to find the reason why people shouldn't just go and kill themselves out of the abscence of every possible meaning our existenece in this world could have. In the Past, I just couldn't understand why somebody would wanna do that. There was just nothing. I would wait and wait to see what comes next, to decide if there's something worth to live for, and it never came.
Now I know it'll never come. Not as I wait.
I have to be out there and do my part. And the rest will work out for the benefit of everyone. Life feels good to be lived. That's what depression has prevented me from feeling all these years. Even happy moments would have no meaning back then.
And what a surprise.
Now even unhappy moments start to make sense. ;D
I'm happy. For no other reason but because I'm happy.
Because I feel myself inside a body. Because of the pleasure to have a set of eyes that fill my soul with snapshorts of life every tiny piece of second. Because I feel I have a place in this world. I have a soul, People. I am not an accident. I have a soul to live for.
And I'm happy because I can be happy.
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