CORTNEY-LEE   54,658
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Fear of Failing

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I think we all have the same fear of failing. There are so many highs and lows on this journey that I think it is considered normal to have those fears. We all have days when we eat awesome, and kick butt at the gym and then we all have those days where our eating (for lack of a better term) sucks and we sit on the couch all day and watch tv.

I sometimes fear that I am going to fail. I work hard, but there is still a part of me that feels like I am not going to be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like food is going to win. I wish I didn't have this continuous struggle. I wish I didn't turn to food for every single thing in my life!

All of my co-workers know that I am watching my food intake. I mean, when they are constantly shoving Mcdonalds and other junk food at me, I have to tell them something when refuse them. What I fear the most is not accomplishing anything. They all know I am watching my food, they all know that I am going to the gym, and what happens if I don't get results? Then what? I look like I failed, and I look like I can't accomplish anything.

Then I have the co-worker who constantly says "are you eating AGAIN?" - And you know what he is thinking "No wonder she is a fat hog, alls she does it eat" maybe that is true, or maybe it isn't. Part of me wants to punch him in the face, but the other part of me doesn't even value what he thinks of me or anything for that matter. I know that even though I am "always eating" I know that my lunch bag is full of healthy food. I know that I work out hard at the gym. I also know that it is because of people like him I have destroyed my body. I know because of people constantly ridiculing my weight, I have taken every diet pill known to man, starved myself, binged and purged and purged some more until I was seeing stars from the strain of vomiting.

I have been doing awesome these past few weeks. I know that Weight Watchers is really helping me. I FINALLY lost 2.2 pounds! After months and months I finally lost weight! Now, it wasn't that big of a loss, but it was a loss, and I was really happy!

I am trying to tweak my program just a little. I have decided this week, I am going to use some of my "flex points" in order to eat a little more food each day. I won't be using these points for junk food, but rather for good, wholesome foods. I used 2 flex points today for a glass of skim milk. Then I was really hungry, so I had a 6 inch sub from subway and that cost me 8 points. Now, I may not eat all of the stuff I brought with me, so in the end we will see how it balances out.

I do honestly feel like I have been on a binge because of all of the food I have eaten today!

2 eggs over easy
3 pieces of turkey bacon
2 slices of whole wheat toast
coffee w/ fat free half and half
1/2 cup of mango
total cost = 10 points

2 oz turkey
2 slices of whole wheat toast
total cost = 5 points

6 ounces of chill lime talapia
3/4 cup of whole grain veggie rice
medium sized tossed salad
fat free balsamic dressing
total cost = 8 points

cottage cheese w/ pineapple
string cheese
reduced fat triscuts w/ laughing cow cheese
weight watchers snack cake
6 inch subway club

and I think that is it. But that is a lot of food, and I am chowing down on all of that and losing weight. How awesome?

Well, I haven't ate all of that quite yet, but I am planning on it. I am still well within what I am allotted.

I think that is all for now

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIPPIECHIC68 4/28/2011 6:50AM

    After years of starving myself and binging, too, I have increased my caloric intake and am doing much is amazing how increasing our food can help us lose!

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-POOKIE- 4/28/2011 5:48AM

    Great that you lost!!
glad its working for you.

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Leroy makes a Cameo

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

2.2 pounds down this week

me, rambling about stuff

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STINKYBICHEZ 4/27/2011 8:05PM

    First Facebook, now SparkPeople... Leroy is famous!!

Seriously, congratulations on the weight loss. You work your butt off and you deserve to see results. emoticon

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    Love your kitten! emoticon

Congrats on the 2.2 down!!

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-POOKIE- 4/26/2011 6:15AM

    *laughs* he wanted to show off!

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I wish I were a little bar of soap...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Weigh in day is tomorrow. I have been excellent this week. I have gone to the gym three times and worked hard. I have watched everything I have eaten and have made smart choices. I have drank all of the water I am supposed to each day. There is no reason that I should not have lost weight.

I hate to get my hopes up and not have anything happen. Wish me luck.

Fuel is now $3.85/gallon. It is slowly creeping to $4.00/gallon. I have a weekly fuel budget of $50. My jeep gets appx 20mi/gallon. I have concluded that I may have to start limiting my trips to the gym, as it is 27 miles round trip. I can not join a closer gym because there isn't one that offers the amenities that mine does nor one that has hours that works with my schedule. The one gym that is closer is an old (and I mean OLD) YMCA. The membership there is $15 more a month, no pool, exercise classes are extra, and there is no pool. I figure if I have to limit my gym trips, I am going to start having to get the most out of each trip. I may have to spend up to 2 hours there, but I think that will be ok. If I dedicate an hour to cardio and a half hour to an hour to strength training.

Strength training... argh, I hate strength training. I don't know why I hate it so much. I need to start doing it again, even if it is a half hour 3x's a week. Of course, I don't really need to do it at the gym, I can do it at home. I can use the gym to take advantage of the cardio equipment.

Speaking of cardio, I am really making a lot of progress. When I first started the gym, I could only make it 5 mins on the elliptical. I gradually was able to make it longer on the lowest setting. I can now do 25-30 mins on a middle setting, PLUS I use the "random" feature which varies the resistance in 15 second intervals. I am proud of my progress, because I know that despite my size, I can do a lot more than the so called "skinny" people. I also know how hard I have worked to get to this point, and even if the numbers on the scale aren't changing very much, or are the inches melting off, I know that I am getting fitter and stronger and healthier. I think it is just a matter of finding the right combination.

I am still nervous to weigh in though. Like I said, I have done everything right. Currently, all of my coworkers are enjoying McDonald's breakfast, and I had some homemade oatmeal.

As far as it being Easter Sunday... I am at work. We had our dinner on Thursday since I had to work today. I ate very well, and stayed well within my ranges. I even had a small slice of homemade ice cream pie :)

I hope everyone who is reading this has a great holiday if that is your thing, and if it isn't, I hope you have an awesome day :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALASKASKY 4/24/2011 1:10PM



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HIPPIECHIC68 4/24/2011 9:17AM

    Sounds like you are doing great! Don't worry *so* much about the numbers, look how strong you are you continue to make good choices, your natural weight will make itself known to you! emoticon

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CORTNEY-LEE 4/24/2011 9:15AM

    Thanks for the encouragement. I don't really have a "neighborhood" as I pretty much live in the middle of the woods. Walking is an option, but it gets cumbersome since I am very limited as to where I can walk. My boyfriend and I will also play tennis and basketball once or twice a week once the weather is nice out.

2 hours at the gym isn't a big deal for me. On my days off, I mostly have nothing better to do. Incorporating strength training is the issue as I HATE (and I do mean HATE) strength training, especially at the gym. This is why I am looking to do the strength training at home, and use the gym for the cardio. If that is the case, then I will spend 1-2 hours there 3x's a week as I often like to go swimming (or water jogging) after a vigorous workout on the elliptical.

Again, I thank you for the encouragement. It really helps smooth out the road bumps on the journey :)

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CRAFTYSARAH 4/24/2011 9:00AM

    As the weather gets nicer, can you incorporate some cardio in your neighborhood? Maybe you can workout some days at home and use the gym for the special equipment and variety? Two hours would be awesome if you have the time to do it, but don't set yourself up for an impossible standard just to save a bit on gas.

Keep up the great work!

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super star!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Just an update. Really liking this Vlog thing

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TUBLADY 4/23/2011 12:20PM

    I am glad you are working hard at getting in shape, more fit and healthy.
Prior to my knee replacement surgery this week, i worked out on the elliptical, a half an hour and I burned 900 calories.
I also use the recumbent bike , its not as tough on my knees and i really get a good workout on it.
I have went from 333 lbs in January,2010 to 165.
I track all my meals here on Spark, and track my exercises too.
I know when i was heavier i would reach intensity sooner than i do now. So it's possible weight has something to do with it.
I can't imagine not working out as much as you can. Unless some one is being compulsive about it.
That does not sound like you.
Good luck on your journey.
Just do what ever you can each day and most of all believe in yourself.
You can do it.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/23/2011 12:22:28 PM

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tonight's dinner special:

Boneless skinless chicken breast grilled to perfection resting on a fresh bed of salad greens. Reduced fat blue cheese crumbles, slivered almonds and dried cranberries make this a decedent meal.
served with fat free strawberry balsamic dressing

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHNICOLE__17 4/19/2011 10:47PM

    Yummy! :P

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    That looks simply delicious. LOVE those sliced almonds and cranberries! They make the salad, but I have to be careful not to add too many, cause they also add lots of calories. I try to go easy on them. Had a salad last night with my new spritzer dressings. I both the both ranch and balsamic vinaigrette varieties. The vinaigrette only has 10 calories for 10 spritzes and the ranch has 25 for the same number. I used some of each, for a total of 25 calories. It was delicious. I think I actually liked the vinaigrette better, and I am a ranch lover from way back. Something about the non-fat ranch though, just isn't quite the same as even low-fat ranch. Still--to save that many calories, I'm all for using it!

I think I will have the rest of my salad tonight for dinner, hopefully son didn't eat it for his lunch today!!

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