Tuesday, June 04, 2013
My mother died in February 1983 and not a day goes by that I don't miss her, even after 30 years. She was not overweight, but she was a big smoker. She had bad eating habits, not the same as me, but different ones. And then she dropped dead at the age of 56.
I am 100 lbs overweight and addicted to sugar. If it wasn't for beverages (wine and coke) I wouldn't have as much of a problem. Working on that.
For several months, I have been dreading my next birthday. I will be 56 and worry that there is some bad luck with that age. Not that I have done anything about it, but I am not ready to leave my family and not ready for my (adult) children to live without me. But I have almost felt that this is what is meant to be.
Then early this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I realized that I am not my mother. We know so much more now about how to live a healthy life. My mother was a glass half-empty person and was defeatist about herself ("I have smoked too long; I can never quit"). I realized that I have adopted that attitude. But I have a choice. I know I have blogged about "starting over" many times and one time it will work. But I feel that with this milestone coming up, I may be able to make the right changes.
I love my mother and learned a lot from her. But I am not her and I know she wouldn't want me to be.
Friday, January 18, 2013
I believe that a lot of my weight issues have to do with being dumped. By someone I considered a best friend a long time ago. After my mother died, I gained some weight (about 20 pounds), and this friend finally told me that she really didn't like being around overweight people, so the friendship was over! That was the first time that I realized (incorrectly) that my worth as a person was in how I looked, not in who I was on the inside. Yesterday, someone pointed out to me that, while this person was mean, rude, etc. she may have done me a favor. Because of how she treated me, I am a kind, good person. Maybe subconsciously, I decided I didn't want to be like her. So, now I have a choice. Embrace that kind person or continue to de-value myself. This was such an eye-opener. I discount when someone talks about what kind of person I am because that's how people should be. But that makes it no less noteworthy. I AM a kind person and I only have one other person to be kind to - me. And I think I finally feel like I deserve it. For 25 years I have felt unworthy and now I almost want to write this person and say "thank you" for making me the kind of person I am today!
Friday, August 17, 2012
After my post yesterday I felt so much better! I realized that I don't have to continue on this road, that I have it in me to change for me! I went home last night and had some wine, as usual, and realized I don't really enjoy it as much as I used to but it was a habit, part of my ritual. Then I decided to have my last Coke (again) this morning and - it doesn't taste so good. Again - a habit. I had gotten into the rut of "I deserve this" without really thinking about what I want! Time to start some new habits . . .
Thursday, August 16, 2012
As I read an entry on the Daily Spark this morning, I realized that I could have written most of it myself. I'm posting this here so I don't make her blog about me, but she made me think. I, too, thought that if you had reasons for being overweight, it meant you were abused. I was fortunate to have had a wonderful family growing up who always believed in me. But I gained some weight when my mother passed away when I was 24 (not a lot of weight) and then a (I thought very good) friend dropped me because she didn't like being around overweight people! She actually said that! I think that her comment, 28 years ago, made me feel like I wasn't worth it. And at the time, I probably had 30 pounds, not 100 to lose! I realized a few years ago that I had let her have incredible power over me so I no longer care what she thinks. I'm sure she doesn't give me a thought. But it has been hard to repair the damage that she caused. I am worth it and, not to judge (okay, I guess I am judging) I am not the sort of shallow person who could hurt someone else that way. But every day that I make bad food choices and don't exercise (more days than not) it reinforces those feelings. Every day I mean to journal, not just food, and I think it would be helpful to see what I do have, what I am good at, why my family and friends love me. I've heard many times that you wouldn't think those things about someone else, why would you think them about yourself. I guess I have a lot of work to do. I so appreciate everyone out there who motivates and inspire. Thank you!
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Earlier this week I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow to talk about going on Phentermine. A friend is using it and has had some success. I thought it would give me a jump start. As soon as I made the appointment I felt uneasy and I just don't think I want to go that route. I've heard that you can regain when you stop taking it, which would be discouraging. Not that I criticize anyone for using it, but I think, for myself, I need to do this on my own. Maybe she'll have some other advice (like back to the nutritionist). And maybe she can help my aching back!
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