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Not My Mother

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

My mother died in February 1983 and not a day goes by that I don't miss her, even after 30 years. She was not overweight, but she was a big smoker. She had bad eating habits, not the same as me, but different ones. And then she dropped dead at the age of 56.

I am 100 lbs overweight and addicted to sugar. If it wasn't for beverages (wine and coke) I wouldn't have as much of a problem. Working on that.

For several months, I have been dreading my next birthday. I will be 56 and worry that there is some bad luck with that age. Not that I have done anything about it, but I am not ready to leave my family and not ready for my (adult) children to live without me. But I have almost felt that this is what is meant to be.

Then early this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I realized that I am not my mother. We know so much more now about how to live a healthy life. My mother was a glass half-empty person and was defeatist about herself ("I have smoked too long; I can never quit"). I realized that I have adopted that attitude. But I have a choice. I know I have blogged about "starting over" many times and one time it will work. But I feel that with this milestone coming up, I may be able to make the right changes.

I love my mother and learned a lot from her. But I am not her and I know she wouldn't want me to be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DJSHIP46 6/4/2013 8:00AM

    My mother died at 65 and I felt some of the things you are feeling as I approached that birthday, even though through out my life I kept making changes so I would not follow the path she took. I, too, loved my mother and learned many good and useful things from her, but I also watched in horror as she slowly destroyed herself. I'm over-weight, she wasn't. I quit smoking, quit drinking (learned to love water), I never abused prescription drugs and I exercise regularly and I am VERY healthy. My glass is more than half full and through all this I learned to love and care for myself. I hope you learn these things too and that you are able to embrace life and live it to the fullest. We are not our mothers!!! emoticon

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A Different Perspective

Friday, January 18, 2013

I believe that a lot of my weight issues have to do with being dumped. By someone I considered a best friend a long time ago. After my mother died, I gained some weight (about 20 pounds), and this friend finally told me that she really didn't like being around overweight people, so the friendship was over! That was the first time that I realized (incorrectly) that my worth as a person was in how I looked, not in who I was on the inside. Yesterday, someone pointed out to me that, while this person was mean, rude, etc. she may have done me a favor. Because of how she treated me, I am a kind, good person. Maybe subconsciously, I decided I didn't want to be like her. So, now I have a choice. Embrace that kind person or continue to de-value myself. This was such an eye-opener. I discount when someone talks about what kind of person I am because that's how people should be. But that makes it no less noteworthy. I AM a kind person and I only have one other person to be kind to - me. And I think I finally feel like I deserve it. For 25 years I have felt unworthy and now I almost want to write this person and say "thank you" for making me the kind of person I am today!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YENGLISH100 1/18/2013 12:13PM

    Revelations like these are what helps us towards ourselves and heal the past. Thanks for sharing this. emoticon

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YATMAMA 1/18/2013 10:32AM

    What an incredibly important revelation! This is exactly what the Bible talks about when we're taught to love God first and to love others as ourselves. I think it's very difficult for us to truly respect and admire others unless and until we respect and admire ourselves. You have taken such a BIG step. I think it would be GREAT for you to write that old friend a thank you note. Who knows? Maybe she's at a place in life now where it would impact her in a positive way. You keep being YOU, because being you is wonderful!!

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AHA Moment Part 2

Friday, August 17, 2012

After my post yesterday I felt so much better! I realized that I don't have to continue on this road, that I have it in me to change for me! I went home last night and had some wine, as usual, and realized I don't really enjoy it as much as I used to but it was a habit, part of my ritual. Then I decided to have my last Coke (again) this morning and - it doesn't taste so good. Again - a habit. I had gotten into the rut of "I deserve this" without really thinking about what I want! Time to start some new habits . . .

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLITTERGIRL69 8/31/2012 2:13PM

    I truly believe that God is changing you. Many times when we cry out to God He causes us to dislike the things we used to like. God is helping you. He wants to you succeed! You are on your way!! Soon you will be journaling more positive habits, & then about the weight you have lost! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PURPLELVR7 8/18/2012 9:51AM


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SOKKERNUT 8/17/2012 9:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AHA Moment

Thursday, August 16, 2012

As I read an entry on the Daily Spark this morning, I realized that I could have written most of it myself. I'm posting this here so I don't make her blog about me, but she made me think. I, too, thought that if you had reasons for being overweight, it meant you were abused. I was fortunate to have had a wonderful family growing up who always believed in me. But I gained some weight when my mother passed away when I was 24 (not a lot of weight) and then a (I thought very good) friend dropped me because she didn't like being around overweight people! She actually said that! I think that her comment, 28 years ago, made me feel like I wasn't worth it. And at the time, I probably had 30 pounds, not 100 to lose! I realized a few years ago that I had let her have incredible power over me so I no longer care what she thinks. I'm sure she doesn't give me a thought. But it has been hard to repair the damage that she caused. I am worth it and, not to judge (okay, I guess I am judging) I am not the sort of shallow person who could hurt someone else that way. But every day that I make bad food choices and don't exercise (more days than not) it reinforces those feelings. Every day I mean to journal, not just food, and I think it would be helpful to see what I do have, what I am good at, why my family and friends love me. I've heard many times that you wouldn't think those things about someone else, why would you think them about yourself. I guess I have a lot of work to do. I so appreciate everyone out there who motivates and inspire. Thank you!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GLITTERGIRL69 8/31/2012 2:08PM

    My heart goes pout to you. I just read a blog of yours for the first time. You had writtren a blog ttitled disappointed. This old friend of yours said cruel words, and I can't imagine what it must had been like to lose a friend based on soly how you looked. I used to get teased and treated badly becuase I am black/German one year while I was in elementry school. Although I knew they werew wrong to treat me that way, and I realized these people were not people I would want to be friends with anyway, it still hurt. Although that was over 25 years ago, I can still remembwe that year well. I was fortunate that my family moved and I never got teased based on how I looked again. My mom, seeing her daughter sobing after she came home from school many times tour her up, I know this now. I know my mom said a lot of prayers for me though, and it was God who changeds things for me. It is easy to remember the sad times the bad times in your life and let words or expereinces which happened 20 30 years ago come into our memory and hurt us as though it happened just yesterday. We all struggle with it, yet no one really talks about it.

I do not think that you were ever abused. However, there is a possiblity that you have at times allowed past emotional scars which have not been healed to defeat your postive feelings about yourself- to the point itmay have led you to your current atitude about yourself. You may have a preety good self esteem, but it is easy to allow yourself to think the wrost about yourself, even though you know deep down the things you think and say about yourself are wrong.

With God's help you can defeat these negative thoughts, and turn them around. Giod sees you and knows you like no one else sees you and knows you. He sees your heart, and knows your love and your goodness which is displayed in hiow you treat others.

I believe in YOU! I have faith that you can meet your goals, and change your life. I have said some prayers for you as I started reading yoiur 2 blogs. Through Christ we can do all things! emoticon

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SOKKERNUT 8/17/2012 9:09AM

    You are worth it.

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CORGIGIRL2 8/16/2012 11:59AM

  Thank you so much for your comments. I'm amazed how much better I felt just writing this blog this morning!

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NJJ-EXERCISE30 8/16/2012 8:22AM

    Good for you. Take one day at a time. Start exercising with 10 minutes a day and work up. You can feel success in ten minutes.. emoticonStart with one thing- exercise and then after awhile work with food. Get junk food out of house. do this for you!! You deserve it. emoticon emoticon

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RIDLEYRIDER 8/16/2012 8:05AM

  Sometimes we forget how those old feelings, caused by something said or done many years ago, have set us up for failure.
I'm happy that you have turned that corner and now are able to focus on what you need to do to become the person you truly are! The mind is very powerful, you know. It's okay to love yourself and put yourself first. I'm still working on that one myself.

Good luck! emoticon

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Change of Plans

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Earlier this week I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow to talk about going on Phentermine. A friend is using it and has had some success. I thought it would give me a jump start. As soon as I made the appointment I felt uneasy and I just don't think I want to go that route. I've heard that you can regain when you stop taking it, which would be discouraging. Not that I criticize anyone for using it, but I think, for myself, I need to do this on my own. Maybe she'll have some other advice (like back to the nutritionist). And maybe she can help my aching back!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLS-NY2IN 8/9/2012 10:59AM

    I think you are making a good choice to re-think that idea.

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