Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I've been MIA for awhile. About 2 years MIA. I have had a very long challenging journey since I've started here on Spark People. It's about time I come back to the community that understands where I am coming from. The people that I can laugh and cry with about the huge challenges we face when it comes to our weight and the reasons we struggle with it. This is my home. The only place I have found where I can talk openly and freely about my CONSTANT struggle with emotional eating. Binge eating. Self sabotage. Feeling worthless and unattractive. The only place where I can ask for help, and feel confident it will be there.
The past two years have been tumultuous for me. Here's a snap shot.... I'm sure some details will be revealed through future blogs.
My daughter's father and I bought a beautiful house together.
I reached my peak fitness level. Weighing 159 pounds and 19% bodyfat.
I completed my second half marathon and finished under 2 hours.
I completed a sprint triathlon and finished 4th in my age group out of 67 people.
My parents split up after over 35 years, and my mother moved in with me as a result.
I split up with my daughter's father. Moved in with my father.
Worked as a group exercise instructor and personal trainer with much success!
My gym was sold and I lost my job.
Lost my core group of friends. (Mostly my choice.)
Found new love!!!!!!!
Moved an hour away from home to Buffalo to be with new love.
Got a new job in sales at a gym. Reached number one in the company in my first month! I received the biggest paycheck of my life!
New job had such a hostile work environment I was forced to quit.
Along the course of the year I gained 40 pounds.
After quitting my job I was sick for 6 weeks straight. On antibiotics twice. No energy. Asleep for weeks. Unable to workout.
None of my clothes fit. I've lost all muscle definition.
New love and I have many communication issues. I love him terribly, but have lost my inner strength and confidence.
I've resorted back to binge eating. Even worse than before.
I saw 200 on the scale for the first time in 2 years. Which triggered an even bigger binge that I could have imagined.
I don't know where to go from here. I work out consistently. Every day. Hard. Heavy weights as well as cardio. My food control is definitely not what it once was. I struggle daily with carb and sugar cravings again. What is most frustrating is KNOWING what I need to do, and feeling powerless to do it. I do know I've gained some lean mass as well as fat, but gaining both has just made me larger that the last time I was this weight.
I am finding it hard to stay positive. I keep a vision board in sight so I can see it the second I wake up. I have been saying a mantra to myself out loud frequently throughout the day. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am confident. I am successful. I am capable.
I feel ashamed of letting this happen to me again. Especially when I've been such a source of inspiration and motivation to so many people around me. I have retreated into myself. I don't want to see anyone, or go anywhere. I am supposed to meet the rest of my boyfriend's family this Christmas, but I don't feel up to par. I don't feel beautiful enough. Or worth it. Not to mention I spent 3 hours tonight trying to find SOMETHING to wear, and I couldn't find anything to fit my lower body that was flattering.
I am asking for help. For support. For guidance. For acceptance. I am unable to make it ok for myself in this time of it NOT being ok. Please help me repair the parts of me that are broken again. I know the road is long and never ending... but I hope to learn to enjoy the journey once again.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I can't believe that I have kept this up for so long. Running. Exercising. Eating well. In the past I always got to a place where I thought I was content and then gave up the healthy habits. I've been going strong for 2 1/2 years now, and I don't look at it any different than living day to day. I truly have changed my entire lifestyle, and I don't see how I could ever go back to living the way I used to.
This spring was huge for me because it was the second year that I have been running. So I signed up for all of the same races that I did last year so I could see how I could compare. It's amazing to see how much you can improve. The 10K was the one that I was most anxious about last year, and I was excited to see how I did this year.
The day before the race was the day I was scheduled to sub for Zumba, and I was SO NERVOUS. All of my energy from Wednesday to Saturday morning was spent on practicing for class, so I didn't have a chance to be freaking out about the race. When I got to class on Saturday morning, I was SO NERVOUS. Thank goodness no one could tell. I smiled and started class on time, and once the music started playing, all the butterflies went away and I just danced. It went better than I could have hoped for! I want to start choreographing my own dances now for when I sub in August, so I can show everyone a few of my own moves!
My fiance had his bowling banquet that day, and it was a BEAUTIFUL day. The only had it hadn't rained in over a week. So we spent the day there, relaxing and then I went out with some friends at night and had a few beers and we shared a little bit of not-so-good-for-you bar food.
Now, let me tell you.... I have some superstitions about the night before race day, race day morning, etc... (I'm sure most people do). I have learned that you NEVER wear the t-shirt of the race before you run it, I always eat the same thing before the race, and I tend to eat the same thing after the race as well. For every SINGLE race I've ran, I always have pizza the night before. Plain old cheese pizza. I usually make it myself with a delicious whole wheat crust and fresh buffalo mozzarella... YUM.
Not this time!!!!!! This time I had french fries, some nachos and BEER, people. Beer is carbs, right? Haha. I also stayed out until midnight. Then when I got home I couldn't sleep, so I didn't get to bed until close to 1 or so. When I woke up in the morning, I realized the headphones for my iPod were broken, so I thankfully had time to stop at the store and pick some up!
It was about this point I was really regretting my decision to stay out so late... I got to the race and there were TONS of people. It was nice to see all those people out for a run, but holy crowds! I met up with my cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me. She's had 4 kids and she's the fastest runner I know! I love her dearly, and I was soooo happy to see her. She told me that she wanted to run with me the whole way! I told her I didn't want to hold her back, but she insisted that she wanted to stay with me and run with me, and so I had a running partner. I was excited to run with her. I told her last year my goal was to run it in 1:15:00, and I ran it in 1:12:10. (woo hoooooooo!!!) She has one of those fancy schmance Garmin watches that tracks your mileage/distance/heart rate, etc, so she asked what pace I wanted to keep. I told her I just wanted to be at a 10:30 minute mile pace, and I just wanted to beat my time from last year.
Now this course is HILLY. The whole last mile + is uphill. Uphill, little straight away, up another hill, a little straight away, etc, until you get to the end which is up an incline. BAH. When we started out I felt GREAT, just running, enjoying the nice day. Karen told me it was probably because I had the beer. Hahaha. I raaaaaaaaaan like the wind. (Well, a slow breeze...) When I got towards the end I felt really nauseous, as I generally do. Adrenaline does odd things to you. I hate the finish of this race because it's misleading. There's these flags, and a pink line thing and then more flags (which would make you THINK you were at the finish, but you are sadly mistaken....), so I stopped for a small step, because I was so glad it was over, but then I realized it wasn't...... I saw one of my friends from Spinning class and he said, "Come on, Lea!!! YOU CAN DO IT!" Thank goodness for him, because it gave me the burst I needed to keep running and not pass out on the ground.
Finally the finish line!!!!!!!
I finished in 1:00:59.
TAKE THAT TIME FROM LAST YEAR!!!!!!!!!! 11 MINUTES OFF BABY!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
So the moral of the story is, you can go out and have a beer with friends before a big race and still do better than you ever hoped. In fact, I'm going to make it a new tradition.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I'm freaking out a little bit right now. I am subbing for my Zumba instructor on Saturday. It will be the first time I've done it. Ahhhhh. There's been some ridiculous drama at the gym lately (I will touch on that in another blog). So on top of being nervous for leading the entire class, I have to worry about confrontations.
Thankfully, my instructor is amazing, and I have been well prepared. She is making the playlist for me, and I KNOW I know all of the dances. I do them 3 times a week for goodness sake. It's just getting in front of everyone and knowing that she won't be there. I've done a few songs here and there, but never the entire class. Eek. I'm sure I will be ok, I'm just trying to work out the nerves. She is supposed to get me the cd by tomorrow, so hopefully I will have a few days to go over it at home before Saturday. AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I always struggle on the weekends. I'm a chef, so I am constantly cooking during the week. I make breakfast and lunch for my daughter and I, plus dinner for the family, then I go to work to cook for my job. By the time Saturday rolls around I don't want anything to DO with cooking. I tend to go for easy take-out, or I just don't eat anything all day until dinner time. We generally order Chinese on Sunday, and I ALWAYS over do it. Chinese is my trigger food. I just can't stop eating it! So even if I had done well all week, I tend to ruin my hard work with all that fat and sodium that I consume.
This weekend was different. I got up and had breakfast, went to the gym, had lunch, went about my day as if it were any other. I did go out to dinner with some friends, but I ordered a veggie burger, and only ate half my bun and a small order of fries. I went to the movies afterwards and didn't eat any popcorn or candy, and I was fine. When I got home I was really hungry, so I had a lean cuisine, and that satisfied me perfectly!
Sunday was a little different. It was my nephew's First Communion, so we went to church, and afterwards we took my daughter to get a hot chocolate (I had a small one). We went to my cousin's grad party and I had a tiny piece of healthy quiche made with egg beaters, spinach and tomatoes and a small mimosa. At my brother in law's I had a few cheese and crackers, some chips and salsa, and for dinner it was roast pork with scalloped potatoes (I made those, so I use fat free milk and low fat cheese!), and green beans. I even had a tiny piece of cake afterwards.
We ate around 6, and I thought for SURE I was going to have a snack when we got home. I have a tendency to do most of my damage at night. I do my best to not buy anything that can get me into trouble. I find that if I only buy whole foods/things I have to actually COOK, I am less likely to go crazy with the chips and convenience foods. I watched a lifetime movie and went to bed. I didn't eat anything after dinner. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm not really HUNGRY half the time I eat at night, I just want it... UGH. So I just tried talking myself through the fact that I really didn't NEED anything to eat. I survived. Shocking... hahaha
So I woke up this morning and weighed myself, because I was confident in my weekend. I drank as much water as I could, and ate as healthily as I was able to.
I weight 186.8 on Friday. Today I weighed in at 183.8. I lost THREE FREAKING POUNDS OVER THE WEEKEND!!!!!!! I want to get down to 175 SO badly by my birthday (July 15). I'm really trying, and I think a few more successful weekends will get me to the 170s by then! Which would be 100 pounds GONE! WOO HOO!
What healthy things are you doing for yourself this week?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I've never been smaller than I size 12 in my entire life. Since I was in jr. high I have always been larger than everyone else. Even while playing softball, I was still a solid size 14. I was over 200 pounds probably from the time I was in 7th grade (if not 6th), and on. I may have lost a little weight here and there, but I've always been above 200. I've been lucky enough to carry my weight well, I don't gain in just one area, it is pretty evenly distributed, although I DO have areas that I dislike the most (just as everyone does).
I am struggling with a few dilemmas right now in my brain. I just can't seem to grasp the fact that I am 186 pounds and a solid size 10 with a few 8s thrown in there. I can NOT accept that I can wear a Medium shirt and it actually fits beautifully. I look in the mirror and size 8/10 is NOT how I thought it would be. I always said that I never wanted to be stick thin, and I never wanted to lose so much weight I looked like I never ate. I still stick by that, but my brain can't comprehend my actual size.
I've even gone so far as to think sometimes (a lot, actually...) that I am still the same size I've always been, the sizes have just changed over the years and gotten bigger. So in reality I am STILL a 12/L. I KNOW this is ridiculous, and honestly if someone just takes a picture of me alone, I think I look fanTASTIC. I'm not one to compare myself to other's, because I am taller than most of the people I know, and I've ALWAYS been bigger than my entire family and friends (and I have a BIG family). Now, when I go to a family function I start out confident, and I want to wear a pretty dress or something to show off all of my hard work, but then I get nervous and I think it's pointless because all of my cousins and aunts, and everyone else are so tiny I will still look like a giant next to them. When I see my thighs and arms in pictures next to them, I am twice their size. STILL!!!!!!
I am learning to love myself, and I NEVER thought once that losing weight would fix my problems. That was never a thought in my head. I just can't figure out how to be calm and content with the fact that I AM always going to be bigger than my family members, no matter how hard I try. I went shopping with my mom the other day, and she needed size 2 jeans. Size 2. She's super tiny, and only an inch shorter than I am. Even with the fact that I've lost 90 pounds, I'm STILL 50 pounds heavier, and 4 sizes bigger than she is.
No one really sees this side of me. I am always happy, smiling and seemingly full of confidence, but inside I am SCREAMING because I can't let go enough to just be happy with ME. I need to stop comparing myself to my family, but I don't know how. My cousin ran her first half marathon the same race I did. I ran it in 2:22, she ran it in 1:57. I just desperately want to be the best at something, and when you come from a family with 14 Aunts and Uncles, that means a LOT of cousins. With a LOT of talent.
I don't want this to be a "woe-is-me" blog, I just need to get some of this out so I can start working on what's really holding me back. I've been at a 180s plateau, and I just can't seem to break out of them. These are the silly thoughts that have been creeping into my brain and sabotaging all of my hard work.
How can I be so proud of all of my work one minute, and then so unsure of myself the next???
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