Friday, January 18, 2008
Both DH and I were deeply affected by what Emilio said to us the other night, so we sat and talked about it for over an hour last night.
We love living in the city for all the good it has to offer. The diversity, the culture, the proximity to everything. There is so much GOOD that Seattle has to offer. Plus, my family is close by.
However, where we can afford to rent, leaves a lot to be desired. Emilio and Diego are being exposed to behaviours that are counter to what we are teaching them about being good world citizens. And, Emilio worries excessively about people and going-ons. Kids wandering around the street after dark? "Where are their parents? Don't they care about them? They must be worried." "Why are they racing street bikes up and down the street? Don't they know the noise bothers people?"
So, we have decided to move out of the city. We have given ourselves to the end of school year 2009 to save, investigate and buy a house. If it happens sooner, so be it, but that is our ultimate goal.
We won't be moving so far that we still cannot access the great stuff Seattle has to offer or visit my parents on the weekends. I need my kids to feel peaceful and safe and happy with their surroundings and the people in their life. I am tired of trying to live up to the Seattle "standard". I will never have that much money, or fancy cars or even a fixer upper in this area. EVER.
I need to go and be at peace with my family. Wish us luck! Send us a dollar! lol!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Emilio is really growing in to a thoughtful and reflective young person. Sometimes, I cannot get over the things he says. And, what he said last night really affected me and I cannot stop thinking about it.
We were driving to the grocery store, down the main drag close to our house. It is a poor area so lots of fast food and pawn shops along the way for your viewing pleasure.
Emilio is reading very fluidly now, reading signs, notices, boards, anything and everything everywhere we go. So, as we drive by the Pawn Shop....
Emilio: "Cash, cash, cash! That is all anyone cares about. Don't these people care about their families? Because you know, families are the most important thing. They should always come first. My family does. First my family, then birds, then nature, then books and school. That is about it."
Me in the front seat with a blank stare on my face...
"You are right Emilio, some people have their priorities all screwed up, don't they? Family should always come first, I agree. And, I am so happy to hear you think that way. That makes me really proud of you."
Emilio in the back seat got all embarrassed by this, of course.
Then, when we got to the store, in the parking lot he says:
"You know, I would really rather live somewhere, surrounded by nature. You know, so I could bird watch and observe and study nature all around me. It would be so quiet and peaceful. I don't really like it here, mom."
"No, and I think we should build a house from things we find in nature. You know, so we don't have to destroy any nature in order to build it. I would just walk around and collect things that we could build it from, scraps of wood, maybe some stones. It would be so nice, mom."
At that point, I about burst in to tears as I am looking at this little boy with such a big mind and such a loving heart. I couldn't stop thinking about his words all night.
Then, only to drive his point home, as we came down our street, after our shopping trip, an erratic driver sideswiped our car, almost shoving us off the road.
I agree with him, I am sick of wasting my time here. We will never go anywhere as its too expensive. I am ready for peaceful times.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
So, here I am at 182 yet again, and yet again, here I sit. The scale won't budge. LOL, what is it about this weight?
However, I have had several positive affirmations that despite that fact that the weight is not changing, my body has.
Three separate people at school yesterday commented on how "skinny" I was getting! Then, again this morning, Emilio's carpool mom said, "My you're looking skinny these days!"
So, it's happening. Damn the scale. Into the closet it is going until Saturday when I will weigh in again.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
This last week was a bad one. The cravings. I literally came *this close* to stuffing my face with fruit snacks and oreos. But, I overcame it.
Worse, though, was that my depression came back temporarily, which it does when I have eaten sugar. Add that to a bad moment on Tuesday (losing my job) and man, didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to shower, didn't want to do anything. Thank goodness Emilio has to be at school otherwise, I would have just stayed home, shades drawn, alone.
I didn't exercise once, either. I just didn't feel like I had the energy. I was beaten down, tired, lethargic, again, I am sure from the accidental sugar ingestion on New Years.
I was getting worried that these feelings would never go away. My weight started dropping again but, the lethargy persisted. The cravings persisted. What was going on?
Today, finally, I am feeling like the old me. We got up, had breakfast, took the kids to the park to play basketball and play on the playground. I ran the stairs there, which felt great. I am starting to perk up and I am so happy.
Like I say on my page, this is a journey full of ups and downs and this week was definitely one of the really down times. But, I stayed strong. I cannot back pedal now, I am so close to reaching a major goal. I have come too far. I cannot and will not fail now.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I admit it, I have control issues. More than likely they are borne from my childhood and having an alcoholic, abusive mother.
Being in control makes me feel good. Makes me feel strong.
When I am not in control, I feel like crap.
Right now, as many of you know, I am feeling not so in control. My weight is up, I am seriously bloated and this in spite of the fact that I am following my plan to a 'T' and am exercising. My clothes are not fitting right and I look puffy.
So, what gives? I DON'T KNOW and that is the problem. I am not in control of this process right now and it makes me very angry and frustrated.
I don't want my body to be in control. I want ME to be in control. I eat what I am supposed, I exercise and stay active, therefore, my body should listen to me and do what it is supposed to do! Sounds simple enough, right?
Some of it is hormonal as I am in the throws of ovulation. Some of it is the increased exercise, I understand this. Some of it trying to lose the last 20 pounds. Some of it, as one SP'r mentioned, is just a normal fluctuation. Perhaps, it is even some unintended sugar consumption on New Year's eve in the form of regular coke v. diet coke.
Only time will tell, but at the moment, I am not feeling so great or patient for that matter. I would really rather stuff my face full of oreos and fruit snacks and say the hell with it. But, you all know I want. I HAVE TOO MANY CONTROL ISSUES, so, I can't lose control, lol - how's that for logic?
Being a perfectionist is hard work. So, I am drinking a huge mug of everyday natural detox tea and I am going to go soak in the tub for awhile, wallow in my "feeling sorry for myself" mood for awhile. Can't change what is done now.
I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to LEARN to let go and let it take it's natural process. It will happen. It will. It has to, right?
Get An Email Alert Each Time COFFEE_KISS Posts