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Hubby and I talked, came to a decision :)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Both DH and I were deeply affected by what Emilio said to us the other night, so we sat and talked about it for over an hour last night.

We love living in the city for all the good it has to offer. The diversity, the culture, the proximity to everything. There is so much GOOD that Seattle has to offer. Plus, my family is close by.

However, where we can afford to rent, leaves a lot to be desired. Emilio and Diego are being exposed to behaviours that are counter to what we are teaching them about being good world citizens. And, Emilio worries excessively about people and going-ons. Kids wandering around the street after dark? "Where are their parents? Don't they care about them? They must be worried." "Why are they racing street bikes up and down the street? Don't they know the noise bothers people?"

So, we have decided to move out of the city. We have given ourselves to the end of school year 2009 to save, investigate and buy a house. If it happens sooner, so be it, but that is our ultimate goal.

We won't be moving so far that we still cannot access the great stuff Seattle has to offer or visit my parents on the weekends. I need my kids to feel peaceful and safe and happy with their surroundings and the people in their life. I am tired of trying to live up to the Seattle "standard". I will never have that much money, or fancy cars or even a fixer upper in this area. EVER.

I need to go and be at peace with my family. Wish us luck! Send us a dollar! lol!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISA32989 1/20/2008 6:07PM

    What fabulous parents you must be!

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MARIADALE 1/19/2008 2:23PM

    Somehow I got unsubscribed from your journal and missed a lot. WOW! your son is a very thoughtful insightful child. you are clearly doing a great job parenting. good luck with the house sounds like a move that will be good for the whole family.

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JNORMAN1969 1/19/2008 9:48AM

    I think you are making a wise decission, that is why we moved back to my home town. Where my son would've been going to school is not appropiate for adults much less children. Not as much to do in a small country town, but a lot better to raise children

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SPARKNMOM 1/18/2008 9:26PM

    Wow...what a wonderful commitment you are making. I really admire you for this decision. And good for you for not jumping right into it, but taking time to make it a calculated, smart move. I'm fortunate enough to be living in the nice little town I grew up in and am happy raising my children here. I love the new pic of you and the boys, too!! So glad you shared your happy new with us!!

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PRINCESSNURSE 1/18/2008 6:25PM

    How fortunate your son is to have parents that truly listen to him and see what he needs.

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A conversation with my son, Emilio

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Emilio is really growing in to a thoughtful and reflective young person. Sometimes, I cannot get over the things he says. And, what he said last night really affected me and I cannot stop thinking about it.

We were driving to the grocery store, down the main drag close to our house. It is a poor area so lots of fast food and pawn shops along the way for your viewing pleasure.

Emilio is reading very fluidly now, reading signs, notices, boards, anything and everything everywhere we go. So, as we drive by the Pawn Shop....

Emilio: "Cash, cash, cash! That is all anyone cares about. Don't these people care about their families? Because you know, families are the most important thing. They should always come first. My family does. First my family, then birds, then nature, then books and school. That is about it."

Me in the front seat with a blank stare on my face...

"You are right Emilio, some people have their priorities all screwed up, don't they? Family should always come first, I agree. And, I am so happy to hear you think that way. That makes me really proud of you."

Emilio in the back seat got all embarrassed by this, of course.

Then, when we got to the store, in the parking lot he says:

"You know, I would really rather live somewhere, surrounded by nature. You know, so I could bird watch and observe and study nature all around me. It would be so quiet and peaceful. I don't really like it here, mom."

"You don't?"

"No, and I think we should build a house from things we find in nature. You know, so we don't have to destroy any nature in order to build it. I would just walk around and collect things that we could build it from, scraps of wood, maybe some stones. It would be so nice, mom."

At that point, I about burst in to tears as I am looking at this little boy with such a big mind and such a loving heart. I couldn't stop thinking about his words all night.

Then, only to drive his point home, as we came down our street, after our shopping trip, an erratic driver sideswiped our car, almost shoving us off the road.

I agree with him, I am sick of wasting my time here. We will never go anywhere as its too expensive. I am ready for peaceful times.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGIEEM0505 1/18/2008 5:04PM

    What a true blessing your child is!! What a sensitive and caring heart!! Momma must be doing all the right things (wink) I wish my son had a little more of that side in him. Give him a huge hug!!!! He is precious!!
Glad your okay how scary to have someone side swipe you!! It seems more and more people are only looking out for themselves, doesn't it? So sad!!

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LADYBUGG66 1/18/2008 10:13AM

    What a wonderful thing to say. Almost made me cry. You have a great boy there, very sensitive. He will do great things.

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TELANY 1/18/2008 9:45AM

    Sometimes it can just smack you in the face when you hear such refreshing honesty out of a child. He sounds like such a bright boy and I really love his thoughts on priorities. Too bad more people don't think that way! I'm so glad you're both okay after that reckless driver.

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SPARKNMOM 1/17/2008 9:27PM

    Wow...what a wonderful, sensitive son. Our sons sound very much alike : ) I just love moments like that. What a great mommy you are...

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LISA32989 1/17/2008 8:49PM

    We've missed you on the boards. Glad to see you're still here. And now car repairs to deal with! At least you've got that wonderful family of yours.

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It's all good

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

So, here I am at 182 yet again, and yet again, here I sit. The scale won't budge. LOL, what is it about this weight?

However, I have had several positive affirmations that despite that fact that the weight is not changing, my body has.

Three separate people at school yesterday commented on how "skinny" I was getting! Then, again this morning, Emilio's carpool mom said, "My you're looking skinny these days!"

So, it's happening. Damn the scale. Into the closet it is going until Saturday when I will weigh in again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISA32989 1/16/2008 7:19PM

    Yeah for putting the scale in the closet.

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JNORMAN1969 1/16/2008 8:07AM

    I know exactly how you feel, I have been at 179 for about 6 weeks now, but people keep saying that I need to stop loosing, or are you still loosing weight. I just wish the darn scale would show it. So we can just hang in there together.

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ANGIEEM0505 1/15/2008 5:42PM

    You know the scale can't measure inches lost and how you feel. You are doing amazing despite that stubborn piece of metal...LOL
You know there are a ton of reasons it may not move. Your body is getting ready for a huge change, water weight, muscle gain, etc., you keep going despite that thing and before you know it you it you will be at your goal!!! Angie

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SPARKNMOM 1/15/2008 5:04PM

    You're doing great. Hang in'll move!!

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Been awhile

Sunday, January 13, 2008

This last week was a bad one. The cravings. I literally came *this close* to stuffing my face with fruit snacks and oreos. But, I overcame it.

Worse, though, was that my depression came back temporarily, which it does when I have eaten sugar. Add that to a bad moment on Tuesday (losing my job) and man, didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to shower, didn't want to do anything. Thank goodness Emilio has to be at school otherwise, I would have just stayed home, shades drawn, alone.

I didn't exercise once, either. I just didn't feel like I had the energy. I was beaten down, tired, lethargic, again, I am sure from the accidental sugar ingestion on New Years.

I was getting worried that these feelings would never go away. My weight started dropping again but, the lethargy persisted. The cravings persisted. What was going on?

Today, finally, I am feeling like the old me. We got up, had breakfast, took the kids to the park to play basketball and play on the playground. I ran the stairs there, which felt great. I am starting to perk up and I am so happy.

Like I say on my page, this is a journey full of ups and downs and this week was definitely one of the really down times. But, I stayed strong. I cannot back pedal now, I am so close to reaching a major goal. I have come too far. I cannot and will not fail now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISA32989 1/16/2008 7:18PM

    Oh Heidi
I had no idea you were having such a rough time. I'm glad you told us. Take care & hang in there. Being a big emotional eater myself, I know trying times will try the diet. But you've been so strong!

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TELANY 1/14/2008 1:38PM

    Hey Heidi!!! I've been going through something similar and am finally feeling in control again too. How are things going now? Hang in there, I'm sending support and hugs your way. I've missed you!

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LUNACELTA 1/14/2008 1:10AM

    Oh my God! I am so sorry to hear you had such a crappy week. I had no idea! So sorry about your job!

Good job on not yielding to the cravings! I hope this week brings you better things. Let me know if there's something I can do to help! Lo siento mucho. Ojalá que todo mejore pronto. Con cariño, tu amiga Luna.

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SPARKNMOM 1/13/2008 10:36PM

    Yikes...Hugs to you - BIG hugs!! Glad you're hanging in there and overcoming the cravings. Good job picking yourself up during adversity...proud of ya!

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JNORMAN1969 1/13/2008 7:34PM

    Glad you are feeling better, now the down is over so things are going to start looking up again.

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Letting go of the control issues

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I admit it, I have control issues. More than likely they are borne from my childhood and having an alcoholic, abusive mother.

Being in control makes me feel good. Makes me feel strong.

When I am not in control, I feel like crap.

Right now, as many of you know, I am feeling not so in control. My weight is up, I am seriously bloated and this in spite of the fact that I am following my plan to a 'T' and am exercising. My clothes are not fitting right and I look puffy.

So, what gives? I DON'T KNOW and that is the problem. I am not in control of this process right now and it makes me very angry and frustrated.

I don't want my body to be in control. I want ME to be in control. I eat what I am supposed, I exercise and stay active, therefore, my body should listen to me and do what it is supposed to do! Sounds simple enough, right?

Some of it is hormonal as I am in the throws of ovulation. Some of it is the increased exercise, I understand this. Some of it trying to lose the last 20 pounds. Some of it, as one SP'r mentioned, is just a normal fluctuation. Perhaps, it is even some unintended sugar consumption on New Year's eve in the form of regular coke v. diet coke.

Only time will tell, but at the moment, I am not feeling so great or patient for that matter. I would really rather stuff my face full of oreos and fruit snacks and say the hell with it. But, you all know I want. I HAVE TOO MANY CONTROL ISSUES, so, I can't lose control, lol - how's that for logic?

Being a perfectionist is hard work. So, I am drinking a huge mug of everyday natural detox tea and I am going to go soak in the tub for awhile, wallow in my "feeling sorry for myself" mood for awhile. Can't change what is done now.

I have to let go. I have to let go. I have to LEARN to let go and let it take it's natural process. It will happen. It will. It has to, right?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYBUGG66 1/7/2008 1:12PM

    Hang in there Heidi. You're doing so great. Things will start moving again, just wait and see.

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SPARKNMOM 1/6/2008 11:40PM

    Every now and then we need to wallow in our own little poo poo party...and then whoosh...a loss. I think that happens for you frequently after becoming frustrated. So look out...I feel a whoosh coming on!! I'm so glad that you share these frustrating moments. I often feel like I'm being selfish or irrational when I become frustrated over my body's lack of cooperation. So I'm glad I'm not alone! It'll happen for ya. Don't give up!

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