Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I've started and erased this blog about half a dozen times. I don't want to be negative, but at the same time, I can't deny that I've been losing against this sadness that's been building inside.
I tried to work my way out of it by reading blogs, responding positively and posting my progress. I look at my last blog post hoping all of the amazing comments I received will pick me up and make me move. But deep down I feel like it was written by somebody else...someone with a purpose, with motivation and spirit and an unbreakable will. I feel overwhelmed at home and there's really no reason why. Taking one meal at a time doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I'm bored by my food choices but unwilling to experiment and make a change. I feel this internal struggle between knowing what I should be doing and letting the emotional eating monster win...he's KO'ing me round after round and I'm feeling beat down.
I feel like a leaf twisting in the wind...handling things passively. I know I am reacting rather than acting but I feel unable to change it. I started and stopped reading my mindful eating/living book, "Savor" and finally returned it to the library after 6 weeks, unfinished. I've done the same thing with my audio copy of Jillian Michael's "Unlimited". What am I afraid of? Succeeding? Really finding myself in this process and realizing my potential? Am I unable to change OR UNWILLING to change? Is this ridiculous?!?!
Maybe not so much.
This morning I broke down, had a good cry and gave myself a long, hard look in the mirror. It suddenly dawned on me that I had been here before. It was after I met one of my big BIG goals last year of dropping down to a size 12 bridesmaids dress for my SIL's November wedding. I completely spiraled down during the holidays. Instead of celebrating the completion of this major objective, I did the exact opposite and had this mourning-type apathy toward the future. I did not plan for success and I handled it by reverting back to all those bad habits...all the old habits that had been there for me for years and years, even though I KNEW it was not the best for me. I see now that I am doing it again...after my 13 month plateau in the 160's I finally saw 159. But instead of answering the question 'what now?' with a positive gameplan, I regressed and tried to shell myself up, eating for comfort and keeping my feelings bottled.
Now I start tracking again...right now, the next thing I put in my mouth. I start journaling, either privately or here in my public blog. I start consistently MAKING time to exercise at the intensity level that I want. I start eating better. I go to bed before 10:30 tonight rather than before midnight and start a fast break streak. I get up in the morning and RUN and make an appointment with myself to do this on a regular basis because it is important to me physically and emotionally. I forgive myself, learn my lesson and move on.
I start to rekindle the spark.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I had a 45 minute block of fitness time because I was to go to the dentist after the boys' one hour dance jam at the gym. I ran 4.5 miles yesterday and did ST through spark after getting up this morning, which was when I also realized I had my virtual 5k scheduled this week. Tomorrow is another 4+ miles and I couldn't count on getting it in Friday or Saturday so it was now or maybe never. We've had some impressive thunderstorms and wind come through the last few nights, but this morning it was cloudy and misting, so I thought what the heck. My first 5k was in the pouring rain...why not gut it through this one?
I started off too fast and I knew it. U2's Beautiful Day shuffled on the ipod and between hearing one of my top 5 U2 songs and the thrill of hitting the road it was just too overpowering to resist. By the time I turned into my first long stretch I was winded, but by this point Bon Jovi's It's My Life is playing. I've blogged about how much the lyrics mean to me and today was no different.
At this point it strikes me that today was my Grandpa's birthday and I marvel on how he still managed to finish his round of golf the morning he had his first stroke all those years ago. I wonder if he played in the rain this morning and then figured maybe Heaven rigs it so he doesn't have to ;) But, then I think maybe the misty gloomy morning was his way of sympathizing with all of us he had to leave behind. Now I'm determined to go strong. Lady Gaga's Bad Romance flips on. I think about how we use hand weights and box to this in cardio ball aerobics and I'm empowered and feeling quite invincible. The rain is pelting me under my hat and right in the face but I don't care...it all feels so damn good. Van Halen's Dreams and NTranz's Set You Free get me through the next long stretch and ironically Bush's Machinehead comes on. By this point I'm sucking wind big time and I chuckle at the beginning lyrics..."breathe in, breathe out" and think...if only I could! I sneak a peak at my watch and realize I can obliterate my last time of just under 36 if I can just dig deep and not stop.
And then I stop.
I can't catch my breathe even though another U2 song comes up. I feel a bit light headed and the last thing I want to do is pass out! So I give myself 2 minutes to speedwalk and then promise to stop again if I need to.
Luckily I don't need to.
I get my second wind and decide I'm not gonna check my watch until I reach the finish line...I'm soaked to the bone and before the negativity sets in I start thinking about how blessed I am to have the ability to do this. That I run because I want to and because I am physically able to. Not everyone can say that. Now I'm picking up the pace as the Killer's Spaceman comes on. I think of the energy that Brandon Flowers had during the concert in 2009 when it was 100+ degrees and he's bouncing around the stage and singing his guts out like there's no tomorrow. And I realize I'm in the homestretch. The rain keeps coming, but my stride lengthens, my arms are pumping and I'm not slowing down for ANYTHING. I cross, check the watch and see...32:50. Really?!?!?! I averaged an 11 minute mile?!?!? It was unthinkable when I first started and now I can claim it. And soon enough I'll maybe chuckle at that accomplishment and push into single digits. Someday.
But today, I still have to cool down and stretch, and now I've got some extra time! I shuffle to my yoga songs and Enigma's Return to Innocence comes on. I'm overemotional and nearly in tears, but since I'm in my backyard I can lose my composure a bit before doing some yoga stretches. I end with U2's One Tree Hill...a song that has special meaning for me. It was the song that got me through the fear and sickness I experienced during anesthesia and my first c-section. I don't know why that popped in my head at that time, but when I hear it now I think of that dark, frightening moment before Jack was able to sit next to me in the OR and how the song brought me to the light and utter peace. And so my workout ends in utter peace.
If you are still reading, thank you for hanging in there. I know I rambled but I can't always suppress the college English Lit major in me. I hope everyone had an equally excellent Wednesday!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"The secret of health for mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." -Buddha
Thank you so much MUSICMOMOF2 for posting such amazing quotes on your status each morning. My friend feed is usually the first place I stop once I login and spin the wheel, and I truly look forward to seeing what inspiration you've found! This quote is especially timely. I borrowed a book from the library last month called Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life, proceeded to speed read the introduction and then set it aside. Why? I realized after seeing this quote today that I put it down because I got a afraid of looking into myself to find the reasons why I gained so much weight to begin with and the emotions behind why I sometimes still eat the way I do. The kind of introspection this book asks of you can be painful, and it can feel like failure when you realize the shortcomings in yourself. In order to move forward, you must first look back. And, when you face the demons of your past, there's going to be a bit of bloodshed and more than a few tears. I was so close to skipping out on this book and this test of spirit. Not anymore. I decided to push onward...I walked the boys to the park this morning, and sat on a nice shady bench to start into chapter one. And you know what? It wasn't so bad...I survived it and will continue to read a little each day while journaling some thoughts and noteworthy quotes. I will finish this book, and I will make mindfulness a more central part of my life. I've lived in the past before, and it was a lonely, sad place. By the same turn, I've lived in the future too and it was an equally scary and lonely place. Why not take a chance and just be...just live for right now, this breathe that I take at this exact moment, focusing on my body and what is in front of me in the present.
So, I've added one more goal added to my push-up challenge and making smart meal choices for June. Mindfulness. Inhale. Exhale. Live the moment.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Week 1 of fitness day camp is over!! Even though the weather was cooler yesterday we spent our morning swimming in the country in an underground, heated pool. We had a blast and a good workout too! We improvised our afternoon, spending quiet time during a snack of whole grain tortilla chips with homemade salsa, touch football for the boys, dancing and workout for the girls, and ending with gym time and stretches for everyone. My homework in my off week is to help come up with some crafts, and fitness activity ideas for all the kids...next session starts June 20!
As for me and my goals, I am adding a new challenge for me to switch up my strength training. Through a spark article I found a link to a 100 push up challenge: http://www.hundredpushups.com/ One of the kids' goals this last week was to do so many pushups a day & I seized the opportunity to improve my own numbers. I've worked up to 15 REGULAR pushups before going to my knees and being able to churn out about 10 more before having to rest. The above is a 6 week program, so by the end of July I should be superwoman! After a two week hiatus I've started running again, and was able to fit in 4.6 miles on the treadmill Thursday night in my hour workout time. I will make it up to 5 miles by the end of June and will work on running a minimum of 2 days a week.
Nothing new nutrition wise other than learning from this week at camp how lucky I am to have access to my choice of foods when I am at home. Some of the meals were not as clean as I like to eat, nor did they contain the carb/lean protein punch that I've been working towards. I am not sure that packing my own food is an option, as I would hate to eat stuff in front of the kids...I don't really have time away where I can sit by myself for 15 minutes and have my own snack. So, we'll worry about the present and just focus on smart choices again while I am at home
Now that I've procrastinated enough, I'm going to get my workout in before walking to the library with the boys. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
So, fitness camp yesterday confirmed several things that I already know...mostly good things but some gentle reminders:
*Young boys have lots of energy...TONS of energy...an ENDLESS supply of energy! Heat, distance, time...these things only slightly dent the amount of energy that is in young boys. My group consisted of my 6 & 4 year olds, plus 4 others under 2nd grade age. I was EXHAUSTED! Got a better night's sleep last night, so I'm ready today!
*HYDRATION, HYDRATION, HYDRATION! The heat index was through the roof yesterday and we are under heat advisory until tomorrow night. I filled my two 24 oz water bottles and between me and my group we went through them twice. I know I didn't drink enough and will bring extras today.
*Keep them moving...one activity for longer then 20-30 minutes and I am losing them. I will do better to come up with little things to keep going today so a few don't wander off!
*Patience...I must keep my patience! I find that I am harder on my guys than the others in my group, and they don't necessarily deserve a harsher tone. I will take a breathe and lighten up today. I want this to be fun for everyone, including me!!
We are back at it again this morning and have some water activities planned for the afternoon. Hope everyone has a great day!!
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