Tuesday, April 22, 2014
After many months, changes (some great, some not so great) and many pounds- I'm Sparking again.
Not for reasons that have motivated me before. I've come to the realization that I'm just not myself. I am a happy person by nature but have not been genuinely happy for quite some time.
I am tired of feeling like a visitor (and not a gracious one at that) in this body. Someone asked me recently how things were going and it wasn't until they pointed it out that, they were not asking about my exchanges/experiences with others but how I - just me- was doing.
I didn't get what they were asking me initially. Aren't my experiences going to impact how I am doing? Of course, they replied, but those experiences do not define you. How are YOU doing?
I was taken aback. My lines had become so blurred with others that I lost myself. I didn't know how I was doing because it had been so long that I had even focused on me.
The realization brought some silent tears and realized that I needed to change.
Needed to change the things that made me unhappy. Needed to define my space within my life more. Needed to state and pursue the things I want.
So here I am, working on doing those things. They may not come naturally to me right now, but I'm working on them. Me, Myself and I- I want to be back in my company again and soon.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
I am wondering what it is about numbers on the scale that impact my eating.
Recently, I reached a number range that I have not been close to in years.
I was happy.
I made great plans to continue and tried to calculate if I were able to keep it up, where I would be by a target summer date.
I commented that I need to be careful and not think this, while great, milestone was reached, that I was in the clear.
I knew I needed to be diligent and careful and not "slip".
Though... I knew I also had started to slip and instead of allowing myself one cheat day, it easily slipped into a weekend which spilled into 4 days of un-diligent eating.
I stopped doing the things that were proving successful for me.
I stepped on the scale today and thought that I must have left my winter boots on before I stepped on the scale. No, that wasn't it....
Why was I sabotaging myself?
Wasn't I really ready to lose weight?
I was feeling so good about myself, why did I let it slip?
My clothes are not necessarily fitting better, my energy level is about the same. The only thing different was that I was aware of what the number was. WHY did that knowledge loosen my resolve?
Any thoughts Sparklings?
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Sparklings- its been an interesting month or so.
Most notably, my fiancÚ and I have separated.
I'm still heartbroken and upset with him. Essentially, he had been, oh how to say this, "partaking in some extra curricular activities"
My Guardian Angels felt it was time I found out and that's what happened 1/21/2013.
Initially, I responded as most emotional eaters might, the first 2 days, I ate nothing, I was literally numb. The following 2 weeks however were a complete "Food Rush Blur"
I could not stop myself from eating.
Despite how much or whatever I ate, the pain wouldnt go away. It felt as though, if I ate enough, eventually, I would fill that void and leave no room for the pain. But that never happened. Of course, I could have kept eating and that void would never have been filled because the pain had nothing to do with my hunger but everything to do with my heartache and feeling betrayed.
I am working on getting back on track, but its a slow process.
I want to support my body and eating the wrong quantities of food isnt going to help.
I want to be able to feel good about my decisions and my food choices.
I am focused and am recommitted to the gym and logging my food entries.
Most importantly: I want to get to a point where I feel the pain- and that's it. I feel pain without trying to mask it or drown it in food.
Initially, with this experience I thought
"I have learned more about the type of person he really is...."
When in actuality, I have learned more about the type of person I am capable of being and I couldnt be any more thankful!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
This Thanksgiving I got engaged- I'm thrilled and scared.
Not the standard, "do I really want this person in my life forever" scared, but the "how am I going to look in the wedding video and pictures" scared.
But my life long experiences have always been this:
Whether its one week or 15 years after taking pictures at a happy occasion, I look at the pictures and I'm depressed. I think I look one way, and then I see the photos and I'm saddened by what I see. Worse yet, if I'm looking at pictures or watching the video of an event with others, I'm embarrassed. I spend more time trying to anticipate when I might be on film to distract from the tv or I cringe every second I'm the monitor.
My unhealthy weight is unavoidable.
Even if I'm happy in the picture, clearly I'm not healthy and not someone who is a good role model for my nieces.
I am scared cause I am a secret stress eater. Seems the more vigilant I am about what I eat, the more I want to eat.
As the stress of planning a wedding (our goal is to get married Memorial Weekend 2013- no I'm not pregnant just excited to get married) starts to add up, so too is my negative self talk and cravings for "something sweet"
I need to get this in check and FAST!
Anyone have any suggestions???
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Its been a year since I had my annual review at my job.
Its been a year since I wrote a blog.
Its been a year that I've been dating someone (ok, next month will be the year but work with me... :)
Its been a year since I bought my home.
Its been a year.....
A lot has happened this past year.
A lot has changed for me.
Yet, in some ways. In the most significant ways in fact, things have stayed the same.
My mindset regarding weight hasnt changed.
I still catch myself feeling uncomfortably surprised by my size everytime I unexpectedly catch a glimpse of myself. Though I still react to these surprise glimpses with unkind words and thoughts.
And while I do enjoy some aspects of it, I still am a background player in my life.
Yet, life is moving` and I'm alive. How is it that I'm so stagnant in the very aspects of my life that I WANT to change?
Why am I so stuck?
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