Wednesday, July 02, 2014
Here's what I've been thinking regarding food: I accept the fact that yes, I really am a food addict. Or compulsive overeater. I'm not really sure of the difference.
In any case, there are certain foods that I consider that are, as Overeaters Anonymous puts it, within an "abstinent" eating plan. These are foods that are considered "clean" by most other people (fruits and vegetables, lean sources of protein, and healthy fats like olive oil and those found in avocadoes.)
Other foods (fried items, dessert foods, candies) are not on the abstinent eating plan. Eating such foods as those are, for me, playing with fire. At any time I could trigger an eating binge that could last from a half hour to ten years.
Then there is "bodybuilding clean" eating, which excludes (for me) bread, pasta, and dairy (except skim milk).
These groupings work for me; they're just the result of what I've learned throughout the past year on my weight loss journey.
As long as I am abstinent, then I am meeting my first priority, which is staying sane about food.
I would like to have long periods of time in which I eat "bodybuilding clean" so that I can begin to get these last twenty pounds off, but I'm not going to stress about it. As long as I am OA abstinent, I have had a good food day.
This is the LEAST extreme I have ever been in my life about food. I am so grateful about my increasing sanity concerning food.
Thank you for reading--let me know what you think!
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
I had a sudden awareness today that there are no guarantees--there is no guarantee if I get down to goal weight (125) that my life will all of a sudden turn around--that I will finally consistently feel peaceful, content, connected, secure, and fulfilled.
I have a powerful fantasy that getting to my goal weight and goal look will solve all of my struggles in life. Sure, when I am fit I look much more attractive, I can wear shorts in the summer, people are nicer to me, I don't get winded from walking around, I'm not ashamed of sweating (when I'm overweight I just see it as more evidence of my disgustingness), and I can fit through smaller spaces.
However, even when I am fit, I still struggle with PTSD symptoms (not that I've been diagnosed, but I sure as heck feel like I qualify sometimes), I can go into a shame spiral where I FIND something about my body or my life that is shameful and I obsess about it and make myself want to hide, I still have PMS, I still feel envy, and BIG ONE--I STILL MAKE MISTAKES.
I guess it boils down to the illusion that once I'm thin, I'll be in control.
That's really helpful thing to realize, that I've been under that illusion that FINALLY I'll be in control when I achieve the perfect body.
I know in my head that the trick for me is surrendering that illusion of control and staying in the reality that I have a higher power who loves me and who will guide me.
Also, part of the solution for me is continuing to tell myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Something tells me that once I live this way for a portion of time (even an hour), I might be able to tune into "small details that will make me feel connected to the universe" (in the words of comedian Paul Gilmartin, host of the podcast "The Mental Illness Happy Hour."
Life is good . . . I just know it is . . . HANG IN THERE, EVERYBODY . . . WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT . . .
Peace and love and hugs.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I am caught in being obsessed with becoming AMAZING looking to the point where I feel completely ashamed of what I look like right now. I weigh around 150, and at 5'3", that's actually not terrible. But I feel so bloated and puffy that I just want to hide away forever.
I have been binge eating on and off for the entire month of May. I had fast food and sweets at lunch today. I am currently stuffed full, and so my self-hatred is dulled by the numbing effects of overeating.
Once the numbness wears off, the self-hatred is going to come back with a vengeance.
I think that only turning this way of thinking over to a higher power through the twelve steps of recovery will help me get back to sanity. I am going to a support group meeting (not for eating but for emotions) tonight. I know the only way to do this is through prayer, support, journaling, meditating, and reaching out.
I'm going to be checking in daily to stay accountable.
Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
I feel profoundly grateful that my sanity has returned after my 4-day relapse.
The first day back was tough--facing the reality that I was indeed still susceptible to using food to escape emotions. During the relapse, I was miserable: totally focused on my next meal. Even while eating, I would focus on the NEXT thing I would be tasting. Constant running from NOW, which is where ALL the healing is for me.
Also, during that four days, I got DEEP into "instant gratification" mode and became cranky, impatient, and unwilling to wait on the subtle signs of direction from my Higher Power (God.)
I began to use my spiritual muscles again on my first day out of relapse. How uncomfortable to adjust back into "life on life's terms," and yet how FREEING. How SOOTHING the slow experience of self care is for me.
Thank you, God, for restoring me to sanity.
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