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CLEARNIGHTSKY's Recent Blog Entries

Hiatus Over. Coming Back Out of the Cave.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Hello, all of my millions of fans worldwide (how's that for grandiosity),

I'm back again to using SparkPeople as a source of support in this health journey.

I am in a lot of pain since I am enduring the aftermath of a breakup with a guy who I still see twice a week at a support group where we basically ignore each other. And I have gained back a ton of weight. I look and feel yuck.

Good self care I'm doing:
Going to weekly therapy.
Taking off work as I need to.

Self-care I am doing but need more:
I am praying and meditating (need to do daily.)
I am journaling (need to do daily.)
Taking antidepressants (need to do daily.)

Need major improvement:
I am eating foods that are not helpful for my brain functioning.
I am not doing any cardio.
I am rarely drinking water.
I am really isolating.
I am watching true crime show videos on my phone; these are probably adding to my depression at some level.
I am just pretty shut down altogether.

At least I've gotten current here today. It's a start.

Thank you for reading.

Mullet Man rocks, in my opinion.

This position looks painful.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAABSTORY 9/23/2014 12:11PM

    Welcome back and sorry for the pain you are going through. It is never easy to go through a break up, and still see the person every couple days. I have that with my ex-wife since we had three kids. But getting back here is a start. I hope all is going well. It is hard getting back on track after a hiatus. But we can do it!

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JOANN_IS_HERE 9/21/2014 3:29PM

    The best part of being back is staying focused and just taking it one day at a time. I realize I'm not balanced once I'm all out of whack, so stay focused and take it one day at a time. We can't go faster than that.

I'm rooting for us!

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KABMPH 9/21/2014 12:14PM

    I hope you feel better. I think the most important thing is to keep taking your meds. Then the other stuff might fall into place more easily.

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WALNUTT1961 9/21/2014 12:01PM

    Glad you are back and I am sorry about your break-up. I know that isn't easy, especially seeing him at meetings. I wish you could change your meeting for a while. I'm glad you are doing some self-care and know you need to do more. You are most important. Think about yourself first right now.

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 9/21/2014 11:26AM

    I'm glad you are back. Your blog struck a cord with me....I'm going to message you privately.

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GOODGETNBETR 9/21/2014 10:56AM

    Hey, it's not all bad. You still have a sense of humor. With humor and hope anything is possible. Happier days are ahead so hang in there.

emoticon on what you accomplished in just several months. That's motivational.

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GHK1962 9/21/2014 9:58AM

    And by the way ... I remember Mullet Man.

And do you remember Creepy Big Eye Fish?

I know goofy things like this won't make everything better ... but sometimes it can take you mind off of things for 0.0432 seconds.

Seriously though ... hoping you start to feel better soon.

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GHK1962 9/21/2014 9:55AM

    heya again -

I'm glad to see you back. Though not glad that you are in a place that is less than happy for you. I am sorry about the break-up ... and that you feel yuck.

But ... it is a start coming back and listing things and realizing that there are things you need to do better at ... and also realizing there are things you are doing that's good for you.

I do see on your ticker that you are looking to do an aquabike event. Have you done one before? I know that was one of the options near me.

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APONI_KB 9/21/2014 7:46AM

    Seeing the ex at a support group does not sound good. Are you stuck with that one or can you find a different group? Its probably not easy to switch groups though.

anyway hang in there

One day at a time

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New Insight into Food Control

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Hi, all,

Here's what I've been thinking regarding food: I accept the fact that yes, I really am a food addict. Or compulsive overeater. I'm not really sure of the difference.

In any case, there are certain foods that I consider that are, as Overeaters Anonymous puts it, within an "abstinent" eating plan. These are foods that are considered "clean" by most other people (fruits and vegetables, lean sources of protein, and healthy fats like olive oil and those found in avocadoes.)

Other foods (fried items, dessert foods, candies) are not on the abstinent eating plan. Eating such foods as those are, for me, playing with fire. At any time I could trigger an eating binge that could last from a half hour to ten years.

Then there is "bodybuilding clean" eating, which excludes (for me) bread, pasta, and dairy (except skim milk).

These groupings work for me; they're just the result of what I've learned throughout the past year on my weight loss journey.

As long as I am abstinent, then I am meeting my first priority, which is staying sane about food.

I would like to have long periods of time in which I eat "bodybuilding clean" so that I can begin to get these last twenty pounds off, but I'm not going to stress about it. As long as I am OA abstinent, I have had a good food day.

This is the LEAST extreme I have ever been in my life about food. I am so grateful about my increasing sanity concerning food.

Thank you for reading--let me know what you think!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_MOBII_ 7/3/2014 9:41AM

    There are foods that I stay away from as well. For me, they are trigger foods, either leading to eating until I am stuffed or I would feel like I am depriving myself after only a bite or two....if I could tear myself away from it.

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    That's a really good way of looking at food.

Great blog!

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WALNUTT1961 7/2/2014 4:04PM

    So true! Pizza, dessert foods (especially chocolate), and starches are my trigger foods. Some times my mind is in the right place and I can have a piece or 2 of pizza or a small bite of dessert. Not very often. I measure the starches and most of the time that does the trick.
I am a food addict too. Most of our get-togethers are always planned around food!
Keep pushing. You are on the right track!
Lee Ann emoticon

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JLAMING263 7/2/2014 3:07PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Thoughts: weight loss, control, emotions

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

I had a sudden awareness today that there are no guarantees--there is no guarantee if I get down to goal weight (125) that my life will all of a sudden turn around--that I will finally consistently feel peaceful, content, connected, secure, and fulfilled.

I have a powerful fantasy that getting to my goal weight and goal look will solve all of my struggles in life. Sure, when I am fit I look much more attractive, I can wear shorts in the summer, people are nicer to me, I don't get winded from walking around, I'm not ashamed of sweating (when I'm overweight I just see it as more evidence of my disgustingness), and I can fit through smaller spaces.

However, even when I am fit, I still struggle with PTSD symptoms (not that I've been diagnosed, but I sure as heck feel like I qualify sometimes), I can go into a shame spiral where I FIND something about my body or my life that is shameful and I obsess about it and make myself want to hide, I still have PMS, I still feel envy, and BIG ONE--I STILL MAKE MISTAKES.

I guess it boils down to the illusion that once I'm thin, I'll be in control.



That's really helpful thing to realize, that I've been under that illusion that FINALLY I'll be in control when I achieve the perfect body.

I know in my head that the trick for me is surrendering that illusion of control and staying in the reality that I have a higher power who loves me and who will guide me.

Also, part of the solution for me is continuing to tell myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Something tells me that once I live this way for a portion of time (even an hour), I might be able to tune into "small details that will make me feel connected to the universe" (in the words of comedian Paul Gilmartin, host of the podcast "The Mental Illness Happy Hour."

Life is good . . . I just know it is . . . HANG IN THERE, EVERYBODY . . . WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT . . .

Peace and love and hugs.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I saw a really good video the other day by this woman who lost a lot of weight and became a body builder. She said nothing changed when she was in such great shape. The point of the video was about how we as women need to learn to love ourselves as we are. If I find it, I'll send you the was a very powerful video.

I just found the link


Comment edited on: 6/3/2014 5:33:53 PM

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SLIMMERJESSE 6/3/2014 3:33PM

    This is a great realization for you, and reminder for me. Thanks for your response to my blog. Have a great day.

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MPETERSON2311 6/3/2014 3:20PM

    This blog speaks to me in so many different levels. I am reminded of something fellow SP member INDYGIRL wrote in her blogs- "Life is happening now, not 10lbs from now"

Thanks so much for sharing. This was very motivating. emoticon

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Today's Footwork

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I am caught in being obsessed with becoming AMAZING looking to the point where I feel completely ashamed of what I look like right now. I weigh around 150, and at 5'3", that's actually not terrible. But I feel so bloated and puffy that I just want to hide away forever.

I have been binge eating on and off for the entire month of May. I had fast food and sweets at lunch today. I am currently stuffed full, and so my self-hatred is dulled by the numbing effects of overeating.

Once the numbness wears off, the self-hatred is going to come back with a vengeance.

I think that only turning this way of thinking over to a higher power through the twelve steps of recovery will help me get back to sanity. I am going to a support group meeting (not for eating but for emotions) tonight. I know the only way to do this is through prayer, support, journaling, meditating, and reaching out.

I'm going to be checking in daily to stay accountable.

Thank you for reading.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HADESKITTEN 5/29/2014 7:51PM

    It's alright!

There are things that will always be present for us.. like junk food and sweets. IMHO, it's not ignoring that they exist but figuring out how to work with them.
If you are willing to cut them out of your life forever (and feel this is reasonable!) that is one thing.. but for so many of us, this is something we are unwilling to see through. I know that I am not willing to give either up completely.

It's just a matter of how to counter balance the effects of junk food and sweets. IF there is anything we can do to satisfy our craving for it first from a healthy stand point and if not, what we are going to do when we have that pizza. What work out we will do, how we will plan our next healthy meal. What we also plan to do the next day..

Forgive yourself and let it go.

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WALNUTT1961 5/29/2014 7:44PM

    You will beat this! Glad you are going to a support group meeting tonight. Keep working toward your goal. This is just a little bump in the road.

Thinking of you, Lee Ann emoticon

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/29/2014 5:38PM

    I hope you can kick the junk food habit. It's a tough one to break.....but so important in terms of health.

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MJRVIC2000 5/29/2014 4:02PM

    Plan your workout day and then work your plan! God Bless YOU! Vic.

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Today So Far (Tuesday, 5/20/14)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Welp, I'm doing okay so far today.

Food--I've eaten the appropriate amount of calories so far, and I've eaten healthy foods that can be considered "clean."

Water--a bit behind. I just stopped typing to chug down ten gulps. WOOHOO!!!

Exercise--today's my day off.

Prayer/Meditation--I've done about five minutes. I need more, but at least I've done that much.

Progress, not perfection.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME2BLOOM4ME 5/29/2014 11:51AM


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AEROBISAURUS 5/21/2014 9:02PM

    emoticon Take one day at a time and you'll do fine!

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BILL60 5/21/2014 8:08AM

    Well done!!

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BRADMILL2922 5/21/2014 2:08AM

    Progress is progress!

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KABMPH 5/20/2014 7:57PM

    Who wants/needs perfection anyway? Sounds boring. emoticon

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WALNUTT1961 5/20/2014 7:55PM

    Congrats! You are doing great!

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/20/2014 5:54PM

    You are doing great!

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GIVEMEFRIES 5/20/2014 5:42PM

    I need to start meditating again. It's been forever.

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