Thursday, March 14, 2013
I love these things and I read it on another blog so I thought I'd liberate it for my own use.
Where is my cell phone?
Not exactly sure- kitchen counter?
Steve, married to for 20 years. We are each other's one and only.
Stick straight, brunette (although helped, courtesy of my girl Janna, to cover my gray), a little shorter than shoulder length.
Mary, 68, lives about 15 minutes away
Joe, 69, lives with mom (yes, my parents are Joseph and Mary) :)
Your favorite thing?
THING?? Geez... no idea. Getting a hug from my girls.
Your dream last night?
Almost never remember my dreams and last night was one of those nights.
Coffee with cream (fat free) and Dt. Mt. Dew (a rare, but guilty pleasure)
What room are you in?
My office/ tv room- coziest room in house
Gardening, reading, watching movies
That I'm going to end up like my parents (no savings, getting older and physically getting worse); that my daughters won't want to spend time with me when they start making their own lives.
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Like this new business venture I'm into to be wildly successful and loving what I'm doing with it. Like Steve and I to be in a home we both feel more comfortable in (not as big or as much work)
Where were you last night?
Something that you aren't?
Right wing conservative, brilliant, quick witted
Meh... don't really eat them, but if I do, it's either banana nut or blueberry
Wish list item?
Debt free, to see my eldest daughter find her direction in life
Last thing you did?
What are you wearing?
Pajama pants, sweatshirt, tshirt and my blue fluffy slippers- my standard evening attire. :)
Sami, a 13yo, 75lb rescue retriever lab mix (and the source of a lot of contention between my husband and I)
So many and some far away I miss terribly.
Very good- I'm extremely fortunate. I just need to realize and appreciate that more.
Good, but tired. Going to snuggle on couch and watch a movie with my 16yo daughter.
Yes! My friend Lisa in Wisconsin
Milk (a rare occurance)
Something you're not wearing?
Your favorite store?
Siebenthaler, the local gardening store. :)
Your favorite color?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
My message on SparkCoach today was SparkGuy talking about the difference between a "diet' and making a lifestyle change. It's funny because I used to think all the other times I started on a new "plan" that I WAS making a lifestyle change. Little did I know how different SP is.
The most profound difference for me is connecting to the possibility that I can love myself EXACTLY THE WAY I AM, right now, or in 6 months when I'm 10 pounds lighter and even in two years when I'm 20 lbs HEAVIER. Yes, loving myself wholly and completely in every waking moment of my life. That possibility is becoming more and more real to me every day.
For YEARS I would keep myself from buying new clothes because I thought, "I'm not going to buy anything because I'm going to lose weight and it would be a waste of money." As a result I looked frumpy and didn't present myself in a way I felt represented me. Looking back, I can also see it was a way to punish myself- you don't lose the weight, you can't have the clothes. Mind you, for about 10 of these years I was in a size 10- not a hateful size by many people's standards. I was completely healthy as well. Well, physically maybe, but I wouldn't say having that attitude about oneself would be considered "healthy".
I've also had to deal with the reality that a lifestyle change doesn't occur in 3 months time. But the other side of that, and the part that points to loving myself, is that this attitude of being "changed" in 3 months is dangerously close to saying I'll be "fixed" in 3 months. Saying you need to be fixed implies there's something wrong with you. If there's something wrong, how can you love yourself? See, vicious cycle- one I'm working hard to break.
I redid my SP "program" that, for me, really honors some of the items I know will have the most impact on my well-being, at least for now:
1. 10+ minutes of exercise daily.
2. 5+ fruits/veggies daily.
3. 8+ glasses water daily.
4. Choose "real" foods as much as possible, but no restrictions on anything.
5. Consciously CHOOSE everything I put in my mouth- no mindless eating and no secret eating.
6. Continue to identify and address the underlying issues that are having me use food to cope with.
The 10 minutes of exercise is, for me, very difficult because it feels like "settling". I'm used to 45-60 minutes of intense fitness classes (spinning, boot camp, etc). The problem I've run into is I'm a yo-yo exerciser- I'll exercise 3-4 times a week for 6 months, then stop and do nothing for 4 months. Time to break that cycle.
Fruits and veggies- I just love them, but for some reason just don't make sure I get enough. I know if I concentrate on eating those (I had SEVEN servings today!), my junk eating will diminish significantly. I also have a history of bulimia, so the less restrictive and less like a diet this feels, the fewer "panic" feelings, which leads to binging, it will ignite. This plan doesn't feel like a diet to me- it really feels like healthy eating.
So, there we have it. I am just amazed at how far I've come at REALLY addressing some of the issues in just 3 months. SP is really amazing.
CJ, loving herself
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
It's funny how we all have defining moments in our lives, the "before" and the "after". My weight struggles "moment" was when my family moved from Vermont to Ohio for my dad's job when I was 10. Prior to that event I have no concious memory of even being aware of food other than knowing I hated liver and how there were certain foods my mother made that I loved. No guilt, no body issues, nothing. The "before".
This event, though, occurred just as I was approaching puberty, so at the exact time I was becoming aware I even had a body and that it was changing. To top it off, my mother was extremely resentful that my father was moving us not only so far away from the security of her friends and family, but also from a rural to an urban setting in a state where we had no connections. I might add that our financial situation was precarious at best. And so began my "after"- body issues and yo-yo dieting, topped off by the introduction of bulimia into my life during my college years.
Fast forward to my life at 45. My children are older and my husband and I will soon be empty nesters. For the first time in almost 18 years I'm able to focus on me. I decided it was time to stop messing around and to REALLY address some of these issues that are recurring themes in my life. Unfortunately, when it comes to my body struggles, I've tackled it before- over and over again- and yet, it's still there, always hovering in the background. So, if you do the same thing over and over again, surprise, suprise that you get the same results, right?
I have no idea how, but I came across SparkPeople. FINALLY, here is what I'm looking for- a comprehensive program that addresses us as human beings as a whole. I think of so many of the other programs I've tried as silly. I mean, really? So we're just supposed to get a handle on what gets put in our mouth without looking at WHY it gets put in our mouth? And what about all the other things that are going on in our lives and how they affect our emotions? Our job, relationship with a significant other, what our parenting experiences are? What about all that other stuff? If so many of us are emotional eaters and we aren't addressing ourselves as WHOLE integrated human beings, how in the world will we ever, long term, address our food/body issues?
When I joined SP I allowed the system to generate my weight goal, which ended up being 129 lbs for my build. I haven't seen that weight since I was probably in high school. I was going to shoot for 150 lbs, which is a size 10 for me and a place I felt fairly comfortable. So I'm not sure if I will stick with the 129 goal, but I thought, you know, everything else I'd been doing wasn't working, so why not shake things up a bit?
At this point, my weight is becoming less and less important to me. For the first time since before we moved from Ohio I'm gaining some peace with my body. I'm concentrating on my wellness, moving my body and tackling some of the other issues in my life that have long contributed to my emotional struggles. This peace is practically unknown to me, but this is all about inviting things that are unfamiliar, right?
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The SparkCoach assignment for me today was to figure out exactly why I want to be on this journey- what is the overriding factor in doing something that's very difficult at times.
The thing that popped into my head immediately and has been a theme for me for awhile is I want my life to be about more than this constant focus on, and obsession with food, my body and my relationship to all things similar. I used to journal a lot. I love to express myself in writing and it was therapeutic for me. After awhile though I noticed that almost every single day my journaling was about how I ate, what I weighed, how awful I felt about my body, etc, etc. I become so disgusted with that one obsessive train of thought I stopped writing.
I once read that if women put as much time and energy into issues, besides their bodies, that were important to them, the world would truly be a different place. The amount of wasted energy on body focus, which has led to hugely significant psychological issues in women*, makes me heartbreakingly sad. What have we done to ourselves?? **sigh**
So, that's my overriding reason in doing what I'm doing- to use my energy and focus to make the world a better place, and where my world is a peaceful one in which I give myself permission to love ME... So I can move on to better and CERTAINLY more interesting things!!!!
* All you guys- I love you too and know you have your own set of issues. Didn't mean to leave you out of this! If it fits for you too, my apologies. :)
Monday, February 04, 2013
I've been grazing quite a bit today. Not really out of control in the sense of huge volumes, which I've definitely done before, but I can tell there is some underlying upset to this need for putting things in my mouth. To top it off, I have a headache, which is pretty unusual for me.
SP is the first platform I've ever used to address my relationship with food and my emotional/mental well-being that has you REALLY look at what's driving you to eat. It's clearly not about just loving the food. The problem is, well, sometimes it's just plain easier to eat your feelings (in the short term anyway) than it is to actually face the reality of your life.
About two months ago my job situation was thrown into complete chaos. For half of December and just about the entire month of January, it was uncertain what was going to happen with my organization and my job. Everyone in our office was in limbo while we were waiting out the situation. After a much anticipated campaign I'd put together for 2013, I couldn't move forward with what I'd planned would be a very busy January preparing for the upcoming year. I don't handle inactivity well. You know what they say, an object at rest tends to stay at rest and I'd come to an abrupt, grinding halt.
What you don't know about me is that, at 45 years old, I've spent the last 25 years or so trying to figure out what I wanted to do "when I grow up". In my teenage years I'd been SO determined to follow my path- do well in school, go to college, get my degree. That was my ticket out of the extremely insecure financial situation I grew up in. I was a good student and loved school, so it was an easy path to follow. I didn't allow myself to get distracted by relationships because it would have diverted my attention.
I did well in college, although having graduated with a BA in Communications, there wasn't a clear path to follow into a career. I'd been so focused on the simple fact of getting my degree, which I thought was my ticket "out", I didn't give much thought to what happened after that.
Once I graduated I decided it was time I was allowed to take an interest in finding that guy for me, so I made that my next quest (I did have a job, but it was just that- a job). I eventually met Steve, believe it or not, through a dating service. One thing led to another and 2 years after I graduated, we got married. We are married to this day, happily I might add, going into our 21st year.
Steve is a member of the Professional Golfers Association and has been since we met. In fact, he was a golf pro when we were matched up (I swear I'm getting to the point here). What you need to know about him is he was a horrible student and barely made it through high school (EXACTLY the opposite of me). When he was 18, he discovered golf and decided that's what he wanted to do with his life. From then on out, that was it; there was never a question in his mind what he should spend his life doing. Then, there was me...
Fast forward to 2012. At least half our marriage we have worked together. Wait- I have worked with him (side note that we do compliment each other well in a work environment). Yes, of course it's because I've spend 20 years of our marriage trying to find what I love, CHOOSING what I love for my life's work. So, what happened is in about September of 2012 I "got" it- I really, really made my job into something I loved- I was having fun, I had a tremendous amount of flexibility with my time, I was making commissions so my income was only limited by my own efforts, etc. After years and years of discontent, which Steve lived through over and over again, I was loving what I was doing.
So, here I sit angry and lost and frustrated. How could it have been RIGHT THERE after all these years, and now it's gone? All the years of being embarrassed that I wasn't passionate and enrolled in my work, with a husband who didn't understand how fortunate he was to have found his calling at such a young age- how could it just be gone?
To top this all off, I have been presented with quite a unique opportunity to start a business of my own. I always said I wanted my own business; in fact, I've always thought I'd have one by the time I turned 44 for some reason (well, I'm a year late). But now, I'm filled with all this self doubt regarding my ability to actually make a business work. So, what have I done in regards to this opportunity? Close to nothing. I've not done the research I need to do and now the person that presented the opportunity must be wondering what's going on? To make matters worse? I'M THE ONE THAT INITIATED THE CONTACT.
So, you see, it's no wonder I am shoving things in my mouth. It's clear to me if I'm really committed to being well and moving forward with my well being, I have to take some action in regards to my work situation and this business opportunity because I'm clearly not honoring myself. As I write that, there's so much uncertainty. Of course, I can say it because I feel like it's the right thing to say (and the right things to do), but there's that nagging in the back of my head saying, "sure, you can say you're going to take action, but will you really? Or will you just stay where you're comfortable, not matter how uncomfortable it is?"
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