Friday, October 18, 2013
As I woke up and got moving today, I realized how true that statement was. You see I deal with pain and illness every day. And the day that I get up and realize today is going to be one of those days, I get upset, angry, annoyed. I don't understand how its fair that even though I deal with a chronic illness and chronic pain daily, why I have to have these little extra symptoms that just seem to push me over the edge. Do I not deal with enough daily?? How is it fair???? Why cant someone who is healthy deal with some of this???
Which isn't fair either. And I really wouldn't wish it on anyone. But there are days, like today, where I would do almost anything to just get rid of one symptom. Just one.
People around me don't always get it. I say no a lot. I turn down invites to visit, to go out, to socialize. I cant always eat, I cant always be happy.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. What do I want? I want everyone to just accept me and accept what I say. If I say No, not today. You say ok no problem. You don't try and convince me otherwise. You don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't guilt me into going somewhere.
None of that is helpful. It only succeeds in frustrating me more and making me realize how much in life I do really miss.
I don't complain very often about what I go through. Mainly cuase it wont change anything. I can whine about having this disease, but you know what it will still be here tomorrow. It wont change anything. So why complain? Pain isn't going to disappear cause I yell at it. Although that would be nice!! I get on with my day and I do what needs to be done. What other choice to I have? I could I guess sit and feel sorry for myself....but again, where does that get me?
I don't often let my disease and pain take over. I generally fight it with all I have. But once in a while I get tired. I get tired of always trying to win and those days, like today, I just want to curl up in a corner and let it all take over for the day.
Sometimes family memebers say things that are very insensitive. Friends too. I have been told this week that I eat what I want when I want......well obviously this person missed the memo on me....that is the point, I cant eat what or when I want. Yes it is fun to live on crackers and water somedays. THat must be what they meant..!!! Jealous are they????
Another is: I explained how I cant stay late for a social event, due to other commitments the next day. My body gets wore out and tired. And she informed me that she is the same.......ummm?????
It may seem cranky to you healthy people how I seem to judge you and act like you don't get it. But do you????? What did you eat today??? ?Did you have to stop and wonder if what you were eating was going to hurt you later? Did you wonder if what you ate for breakfast meant you weren't going to be able to eat the rest of the day?? Did you have to think about it at all?? Or did you grab your coffee and toast and not give it a second thought? You see I have to plan every bite. Especially on days when I have to leave the house.I have to plan my actions for the day. Or I will be too exhausted to do what needs to be done later. Or in too much pain. Or both. And somedays it doesn't matter, somedays I have to suck it up for my kids and try and act somewhat normal for them.
On my list for the last month and half has been getting back into an exercise routine. Do you know that there has been ONE day in that time that I have been physically able to exercise??? ONE. Not due to being lazy or not finding time, cause I will make time. But due to pain or illness. One day. How depressing is that?
This is my rant. Life is unfair, and somedays it seems really unfair. The next time you wish your cold would go away, let me know. I will trade you in a heartbeat.
And yes this rant is due to someone in particular so those of you that know its not about you, please don't take offense. I am allowed to rant and complain ....if you don't like it, please just ignore it. It is my blog afterall.