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Stand tall

Thursday, April 17, 2014

I mean that literally - what is your posture like? Do you slouch and slump? do you walk with your head down and shoulders curved?

If the answer to any of the above is yes then - STOP IT.

emoticon Loose 1/2 stone in seconds - stand up straight.
emoticon Look 10 years younger - walk proudly.
emoticon Eliminate back ache - sit properly.

Don't believe me - try it - take 'before' and 'after' pics of yourself slouched and standing tall. See what I mean, you hold it all in when you stand tall.

And like lots of things it is hard to keep it up to start with, but like any exercise, you can make it second nature just by practicing, doing exercises where you balance a book on your head while you walk, sitting on a pilates ball to engage your core and straighten your spine, being concious of how you sit, stand and walk.

And if you walk tall it is so much easier to smile.

Have a great day.

Nuff said - moving on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENSHAINES 4/17/2014 9:13PM

    Good point. Also, Evelyn's been posting new bits that crush out that "dowager's hump" - getting rid of that reverses aging, too!

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TRUNKJUNK 4/17/2014 9:07PM


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ZANNACHAN 4/17/2014 8:02PM

    Posture is definitely something I need to work on as well. I'm especially bad when I'm working on my computer for hours--I spend a lot of time hunched over whatever it is I'm working on.

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JAXMOMMY 4/17/2014 12:18PM

    Oh! My posture is horrible! I need to keep all these tips in mind and start doing them! LIke you said.... Practice makes perfect! Thanks!

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CATIATM 4/17/2014 12:10PM

    Thanks for the reminder! I was hunched over the computer when I read this!

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RACEWELLWON 4/17/2014 10:51AM

    Yep , since I was youngster in CHARM SCHOOL !! yes you can laugh , I do too - to me that was reform school torture ! But - I was the best at balancing a book on my head for posture !! Hugs K

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PEGGYO 4/17/2014 8:47AM


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BIGPAWSUP 4/17/2014 6:48AM

    Yep, good posture is important.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/17/2014 6:21AM

    you forgot about a metal rod running from your bottom running up through your back and the top of your fatjher was a solder and he taught us from a very early age to stand and sit tall in a very military manner lol.hated him at the time but now i am grateful, stand tall and proud emoticon

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How to feel Good

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Okay, you probably know how to feel good, eat right, exercise, spend time with your family, have reflective time (or faith), give a little back now and then, achieve something. What I am talking about is none of the above.

Far more mundane, but one of the things most of us forget when we gain weight. And that is to wear things that make you feel good. I am not talking about hot or sexy or even beautiful, I am talking GOOD.

An old pair of sweats can make you feel good if they are so comfortable and speak to you of lazy Saturday mornings with your family; my trainers make me feel good, as testament to the fact that I can run; I have tops that skim my curves making me feel great; and others that are so soft they are like having a cuddle.

I take care of my nails now - they look awesome tonight in purple, I own about 30 different colours from neon pink, to yellow, to green and to blue. If nothing else I am wearing makes me feel good my nails do. Maybe for you it would be your earrings, or brooches, or hats, or shoes.

Over Easter I am going to review my wardrobe, with an eye not just does it fit, but also how does it make me feel - and if the answer isn't positive, it is time for it to go to a charity bin.

So what are you wearing that makes you feel good? And if the answer is nothing - Go Change.

Nuff said - Moving on

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENSHAINES 4/17/2014 9:15PM

    I've been doing that wardrobe skimming lately. I'm happy to say that everything in there makes me feel good on some level now. This evening, I'm wearing a pair of earrings, in particular, that make me feel "cool" every time I wear them! ;-)

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THEMFOLK 4/15/2014 12:55PM

    I'm a perfume girl. Thanks for the thought, as I haven't dabbed any on for a long, long while. I'll do that today, and make it a habit.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/14/2014 6:40PM

    perfume always makes me feel good and special emoticon

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RACEWELLWON 4/14/2014 5:36PM

    I agree !! Woo Hoo Purple the color of Magic !! My Motto is why wait till your perfect to feel good , cause perfect is right now !! Hugs K

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ZANNACHAN 4/14/2014 1:04PM

    I love this! Especially since you focus on what makes YOU happy, not necessarily sexy etc.... Clothes can make you happy for a lot of reasons. I used to have this bright orange sweatshirt with a felt parrot on it--very colorful. Orange isn't a great color for me, but I'd wear it on really bleak days in the winter when the color just made me smile.

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 4/14/2014 11:39AM

    You are so right! Today I put on a ring my husband bought me. It always makes me smile and feel good. I needed the lift. Thank you for the reminder.

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NYARAMULA 4/14/2014 6:32AM

    I love your blog - very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

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JAXMOMMY 4/13/2014 6:47PM

    Spot on! Right now I am wearing nothing but a big ol' ratty tee shirt and my undies, but I feel good in it! Real good! Often if I am feeling kinda blah when I get up for work I will put on something bright and pretty to lighten my mood! If I get compliments on it, even better, but if not, then I feel good anyhow! Feeling good in your clothes is key no matter what your size! Thanks for sharing!!

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WALKINGBYFAITH2 4/13/2014 6:26PM

    Great blog! I just went through my closet and dresser the other day and ditched a bunch of stuff that fit, but did not make me feel so good about myself. It makes such a difference when I open up the closet and see only options that I can feel good about. There may be fewer overall options now, but there is also a lot less aggravation. emoticon

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BIGPAWSUP 4/13/2014 6:05PM

    Awesome input!!! Wonderful reminder.

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Yesterday I had a pity party. Today I am back on my feet and ready to fight.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Yesterday I held my own personal pity party.

This is not an apology, because I am not sorry for taking time out to feel sorry for myself. I am important and to carry on like a machine when stuff happens would be bad for my spirit.

So yesterday started off okay, then a meeting planned for Monday was moved to the afternoon. I wasn't too worried even though a director had called it and our head of function for the company was coming. Well we knew the point of the meeting quite quickly. The 4 of us in the room didn't have job roles anymore. emoticon

Gob-smacked, just a little. I was moved into this role about 2 months ago to 'save' me, and now the job is gone, but they have created 2 new roles which only the 4 of us can apply for. So we all walked out of the room with 2 job descriptions and a timetable.
17th March - Applications in
w/c 24th March - Interviews
31st March - announcements
1st April - start of redundancy consultation period
12th May - end of consultation. Redundancy.

There is me being the clown laughing and joking, and trying to make everyone feel better.

It wasn't until I was headed home it hit me - I could be out of work in just over 2 months. I am the only breadwinner in the house, I have too much debt (a long and painful story for another time), I have a criminal record (if you are interested I blogged about it over a year ago, it is not something I am proud of, and it is not great for getting a job), my car is a company car, so if I lose my job I am car-less.

So I held myself a pity party - the jelly babies were tasty, the peanut butter was good, and the couple of beers were relaxing. I haven't tracked everything I ate yesterday, I could, but I have no desire to add guilt to the other negative emotions.

Well that was yesterday, and as a dear friend has reminded me it is time to come out fighting. So here is the game plan:

1) Polish my CV
2) Update my Linked-In profile
3) Talk to my referees
4) Read the Job Descriptions until I fully understand them then craft a covering letter
5) Post my CV with some agencies
6) Research the interviewer
7) Work out interview outfits
8) Review monthly expenditure for where it can be trimmed.
9) Support the others going through this with me, we maybe in competition at interview, but I am the best candidate emoticon , so I can afford to be magnanimous
10) Stay positive, being miserable isn't going to make me successful

And my silver-linings
Change is scary, but I hate the job I had been moved into, the new ones are far better for me
I have been redundant before, I have been fired before and I have never been out of work more than 2 months.
My bonus pays off the mortgage arrears I have, so even if I have problems paying there is a long path to travel to homelessness
I have lots of transferable skills so I can go anywhere.
This may be the push I need to finish my book, if I get off my thumbs i might be on to a best-seller, okay unlikely, but possible.

I might wobble over the next few weeks, but I know my friends here will help me stay the course. I hope that some of you who wobble as well will remember it is okay to be vulnerable and let others steady us, because we will be the ones steadying another time.

I am a rainbow emoticon - formed by sunshine and rain

I am a diamond - formed by the mundane and pressure

I am a woman emoticon - formed by love and the support of my friends

Nuff said - moving on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLINMW 3/22/2014 12:05PM

  Keep going@

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WALLINMW 3/21/2014 8:51AM

  Stay motivated!

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GOING4GOAL2014 3/20/2014 12:56PM

    Your spirit is contagious! I wish I had your spirit. I have been kicked down so many times (mostly by myself) its' near impossible keeping that keep at it spirit. But yours my dear is a gift! Ride it! Ride it as long as you can!

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JAXMOMMY 3/17/2014 5:59PM

    I had a wonderful Spark Friend tell me one time that pity is sympathy and feeling sorry for a sad situation and parties are fun, so why not an occasional pity party? You deserved it! Your strategies are spot on and no matter what happens you will land on your feet! Now, go out and kick some ass!

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PATTYJ48 3/16/2014 1:55PM

    emoticon Everyone is allowed to have a pity party now and then. I love how you had it and then pulled your boots back on and have a plan. I can completely relate to being in a job you don't care for. That is where I am and I just keep applying for whatever I find posted. I hope you get one of the jobs that are out there but if not there will be something out there for you.

I am curious about what type of book you have been writing. I am an artist and am starting to push myself to get my work out there.

Remember, we are all here for you when you need us.

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WALLINMW 3/14/2014 8:21AM

  Stay motivated!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 3/12/2014 5:45AM

    oh jelly babies boy am i glad they donīt sell them over here in germany but boy do i remeber the taste and know you mentioned it boy do i crave one, the rest i am sorry you are having this stress all over again especially as it is only a few months here when it last happens.i hope and pray that you are one of the two who get the job but when not with your outlook and attitude i am sure it wonīt be long before you find something and that that something will be the best thing for you.keep on keeping on. emoticon

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FIT4MEIN2013 3/9/2014 12:01PM

    I firmly believe that we need to accept and 'feel' that sorrow for ourselves before we can go back to being our usual optimistic selves. Good for you for taking the time!

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TEMPENATIVE 3/9/2014 2:02AM

    You are a courageous woman. I am glad you took some time to feel your feelings and then make a plan. It's a good plan! You have a lot going for you in your positive attitude. I am glad you decided to reach out to your girls here. You have been there for me in some shaky circumstances lately and I am glad I can be here for you. I emoticon attribute much of my current positive attitude toward myself to the support I have received here. Keep at your fitness. As someone suggested to me, it helps with the stress. emoticon

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REFORMDEB 3/8/2014 9:45PM

    I am really sorry you have to go through this. We all have pity parties sometimes we are human after all. I think you handled yours very well giving yourself a time to have it then and then telling yourself it was over and time to move on. I like your action plan! You are going to be ok. You are a strong lady and you know how to get things done.

The best part is you may be getting a job that you will really like instead of the one you have now. I know one thing if you don't get one of those positions it will not be because you didn't do everything you could to secure one of them!

You are right you do have support here and we will help steady you if and when you do wobble! emoticon

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BELLSES 3/8/2014 8:25PM

    You deserved a bit of time for a pity party. Now you have a plan, and it seems sound. This can be done. You have an entire team plus more people rooting for you! Wishing there was more I could do.

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BIGPAWSUP 3/8/2014 3:44PM

    This is so very stressful. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how horrible this is. I will just hope and pray that this works out for you and you land on your feet.

Love and light!

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CATIATM 3/8/2014 2:59PM

    Oh, man, that is rough. I am so sorry that you are facing all of this. I don't blame you for getting down -- I'm just impressed that you bounced back so fast!

And you know what? It's ok if you have a few more peaks and valleys. Being positive is important, but so is being realistic. You are facing a lot right now, and it's going to be a little hard and scary for a while. I like and admire your attitude and hope it does you proud in the final outcome.


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THEMFOLK 3/8/2014 2:29PM

    I only have one suggestion, since you seem to have a pretty good fix on what you need to do.

My suggestion would be that whether or not you track your dietary indiscretions (we all know we should, but there are those times) that you go ahead and indulge without guilt of any kind so that tracking it becomes a true non-issue. What you eat is nothing more than that - it was food that you chewed and swallowed, and there is nothing to see here, much less revisit and beat yourself up about.

On the flip side, if we can bypass feelings of guilt over past deeds, we tend to more easily avoid turning to food in the future. Guilt and bingeing go hand in hand, just as hills tend to surround valleys. Highs and lows, ups and downs. By not giving in to feelings of guilt, we level the ground for ourselves and don't fall into the same hole again. By tracking those overindulgences, we give ourselves a full assessment of the damages, but without the guilt this becomes no more than a useful tool rather than an albatross to wear around your neck.

Meanwhile, keep up the positive and pro-active attitude. I know it's not easy, but judging from what you've written, you're doing a pretty good job of it.

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ZANNACHAN 3/8/2014 2:10PM

    Scary scary stuff, and I can understand needing the time to just let yourself be upset about it all. But as you said--you've moved on, you have a plan, and it may very well open up new and better possibilities. You can DO this. And we will be keeping our fingers crossed for you and rooting you and supporting you to the best of our ability along the way.

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RACEWELLWON 3/8/2014 2:04PM

    Holy Crap ! That's scary stuff my friend - who hasn't been arrested ?? people ask me where I learned how to run - my response - from the police over fences in high heals - ok - that's the past , period - It in no way reflects as to what a lovely beautiful person you are ! Of coarse it would be you to ease everyone else cause your the strong one and that's how you've learned to deal.
So plan of action is needed , first so you had few beers and some treats - I only know of one person that has walked on water - so forgive move on - more important things to focus on - like your CONFIDENCE and I know that your tough enough to sell yourself for this position - hold your head high - do not let the past sneak up behind you and kill your confidence - everyone has skeletons in their closet - the difference you have an honest quality that is admirable and can be used to your benefit - if not this job , another - time to brush up that resume and get em over the wires - Your are a precious Diamond to me - and love you as a buddy - you first right now - here if you need me - love you , K

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Friday, February 21, 2014

I said I would blog about this, and I better do it now, or I won't, - I am feeling bleurgh and like I am not a very nice person.

My hubby is a diabetic, and he is suffering from nearly every complication from diabetes; sensory neuropathy, autonomic neuropathy (including complete impotence for over 5 years), regular bouts of diabetic ketoacidosis and now retinopathy. (he also has crushed vertebrae, and arthritis)

A couple of weeks ago we saw the opthalmic consultant about the retinopathy, and he has a two year battle ahead to save the sight in his right eye, and his left eye has the early symptoms of the same thing. She said the key thing he need to do is keep his sugars under control.

Monday he has an appointment with the nurse and I am terrified that he will be diagnosed with nephropathy (kidney damage) as that is the only diabetes related thing he doesn't have.

The reason for my frustration - he eats crap, he drinks like an alcoholic, and he does NO exercise, he spends several hours everyday lying on the sofa. I have come to terms with the fact that he is killing himself, it is his call, and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it, and he doesn't care enough about his daughters either, and I don't care enough to stop him.

I hate him when he constantly asks for greasy take-out food, for alcoholic drinks, it is not funny or a joke; I hate that I am more of a mother or a carer than a wife; I also hate him for making me not like myself very much, because if he is going to kill himself I wish he would get on and do it, so I can get on with my life.

Nuff said - moving on

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLINMW 3/7/2014 7:58AM

  Stay motivated!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 3/1/2014 3:55AM

    emoticon sorry to hear about that love.what do your children think and say about the situation?i donīt know weather it will work it your case or if you are strong enough to do it but when i was younger i was involved with a man who was an alcholic.his mother and father were also alcholics.i gave him an altumatum after a few years as i realised(this was before i was muslim)i was slowly turning the same way(i would drink with him so there was less alchol for him to didnīt work he would always find the way to more alchol.he had lost his job and didnīt even bother to look for another etc.i gave him the altimatum and walked out and said when he decided i was meant more than him than the alchol he knew where to find me.a few weeks after i left him he went into theraphy and stropped worked for us,he died a few years later though of cancer.maybe if you gave him the ultermatum and even carried it out if only for a few weeks to see if the shock would snap him out of it.i donīt know it might work for us as i meant it i said to him if you want to slowly kill yourself then go ahead and do it but donīt expect me to stay here and watch have to think what this is doing to you,you own self worth and what it is doing to your kids emotionaly etc.maybe speak to kal more how she really felt about her dad etc to maybe understand better how your daughtersfeels because it must scare them.hope this helps.what ever you decide to do you will need strength.may god guide you and give you the strength to do whatever you do.remember at the same time you are woirth the effort you take to make a better you and your children are worth haveing the best mom you can be.take care and keep smiling emoticon emoticon emoticonand above all be strong emoticon

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FIT-AT-50 2/27/2014 10:07PM

    Sending hugs. I wish that there were magic words to make things right, but that's not the way life is. Know, though, that you have friends who will listen over here.

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RACEWELLWON 2/27/2014 12:10PM

    I hear you load and clear - miss you !! hugs K emoticon

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REFORMDEB 2/24/2014 11:41AM

    emoticon M first off try to stop feeling as though you have to make him take care of himself because you can't. You can only help him if he decides to take care of himself. I know exactly how you feel about that part.

It's just like anything else, alcoholism for example, until the person is ready to change and do something about it there is nothing you can do, it's very sad but true.

My hubby and I both have diabetes and are both overweight. He is on lots of meds (he also had high BP and cholesterol and a couple of other issues). I get frustrated with him too because he sees how much my BP and blood sugar have come down with diet and exercise alone but he isn't willing to give up the foods he needs too. He does go for walks but most of the rest of the time he is watching tv, listening to sermons on the nook or napping which means he's sitting or laying down most of the time. I have tried to get him to do the things I am doing but he acts like I am picking on him or putting him down so I have stopped. I had him read the TnT thing from Evelyn about what makes people old is they are no longer flexible (this describes him) and it made him defensive. I am hoping he will be motivated by the changes he sees in me. If/when he decides he is ready I will be happy to help him. I love my hubby very much and will do anything I can to help him but I have realized there are some things I just can't do...

I hope that helps a little and that you can start feeling better about yourself. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope things get better for you soon. Thanks again for all your great feedback on my blog posts!

Comment edited on: 2/24/2014 11:46:20 AM

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ZANNACHAN 2/24/2014 12:09AM

    *Hugs* I'm so sorry. I've never experienced it with a spouse, but it's hard enough when I watched friends and family destroy their health through destructive behaviors, and you are right--ultimately it has to be their decision, but its one that affects other people. I don't know what to say other than *hugs hugs hugs*

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THEMFOLK 2/23/2014 2:58PM

    I feel for you. My father was a diabetic, and he wouldn't watch his diet and/or control his blood sugar consistently. He died way sooner than he should have from a diabetes-induced stroke.

I think his problem was that he had been an excellent athlete - a swimmer and boxer - and that he could see no possible hope that life could return to a state of being worth living, let alone become a source of joy.

I think the key is to not allow this to make a monster of either of you. It's human to give up hope, it's human to refuse to. It's human to have compassion for another and human to be angry at their refusal to make some effort. Don't lose sight of that. Both of you are human.

Would it help to speak to him in terms of what you will be forced to do WHEN he becomes completely debilitated, what must be done WHEN he dies, what kinds of options he has available WHEN his pain goes past his tolerance, and maybe paint a fairly graphic picture for him of just how much pain he is causing you?

I say this with some confidence because my oldest child recently did a similar thing for me. He talked in dollars and cents about how my actions could impact him and his wife, how limited his options might be as things stand now, and was very gentle in reminding me that as I get older, I will likely become disabled, ill, mentally incapacitated or die unexpectedly, and that my lack of planning might be the easiest option for me right now, but that I could very easily and greatly burden those I love the most.

Sometimes all we really need to hear is where we stand with others, and some reassurance that someone cares enough about us to be there until the end, come whatever may. By the same token, it's fair game to let someone know that we respect their right to end their own life, but that at some point we need to step back so as to protect ourselves. After all, family and friends might be willing to help by making sacrifices, but not by offering themselves up as sacrifices.

It's important that you come to grips and make peace with this. I struggled with it for a long time before finally coming to the point where I could forgive my father for his actions, and surprisingly was able to forgive myself my shortcomings as a daughter in the bargain.

I wish you much peace. In such times it might not seem like much, but there are better times coming, just not always the kind of good times we have in mind for ourselves.

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TEMPENATIVE 2/22/2014 1:50AM

    I so feel for you babe. This is no joke. And it's not very funny either. I think you cannot be blamed for feeling this way. It is very sad. I did not realize he had a chronic condition. That explains a lot. I have a close friend who's husband had kidney failure. (Tho I don't know cause) He finally did get a transplant after 5 years, but she felt and still feels much the same way. A caretaker and mother rather than wife. However your situation is just exasperated by the alcohol. He is doubly ill. I don't know if they have alanon in the UK but I found it to be helpful. Even the Just for Today's. My heart goes out to you and your children. I think it's very brave of you to share this here and I want to thank you. You are not a bad person. You are just a woman who is hurting, and rightfully so. Don't forget to keep taking care of yourself too. You deserve to be loved. emoticon

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    emoticon so much love and wisdom sweetie. I hope above all else you feel that caring and loving and concern for YOU. We are here for you. You are embraced and surrounded by love. My dad was a Type 1 diabetic who chose to kill himself slowly and I learned from him that it was his journey as hurtful as it was for those of us who loved him and wanted him to change. It wasn't OUR burden or journey. In the end, as his only child, I had to make some hard calls and I totally empathize with your emotions girl.

You are strong. Stand tall and steadfast in your protection of you and your girls sweetie.

Sending good thoughts and wishes that he realizes the downward spiral he is in and cares enough to do something about it.


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STONECOT 2/21/2014 5:47PM

    M, I can't add much to the wise things that others have said. My DIL's father is doing exactly the same thing to his wife and his daughters, and like you, they all hate him, and hate themselves for the way they feel about him, just wishing he'd get on and finish the job, and set them free.

So many emoticon and I hope things improve a little soon. Get on with your life regardless. Let him lie on that sofa all day, while you go out and do the things you want to do, he can hardly stop you, though he might moan. Show your daughters that he is not in control of your, or their feelings.

Lots of Azure love, you're worthy of it.

Comment edited on: 2/21/2014 5:47:46 PM

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PREDEL 2/21/2014 5:30PM

    I'm so glad that you posted this. You didn't ask for advice so I'm not giving any. Don't think I even have any. I love you M. I love that you have all your emotions out and not buried or rationalized or in complete denial, like so many people. You are one of the strongest people I know. I'm sure you don't feel that at times, but this post is just another example of that strength. I hate that he makes you not like yourself. That is the worst feeling on the planet. And unfortunately most families contain at least one member who make you feel that way. Having it be your husband, really sucks big time. I'm so sorry, not for you, but that he has the power to make your life less than you deserve. And that makes me angry. So I hate him with you. And I will be there anytime you need me for those times you don't like yourself. Because you deserve so much more.
emoticon Pat

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TEKRU1 2/21/2014 5:29PM

    emoticon I know this is hard! We've talked about this before. My husband is diabetic and has many of these issues, plus he has other medical issues that provide additional complications. It IS hard to be the spouse and know there are things that could help them that they won't do. It's HARD to act like a wife when you feel like a nurse. Go back and read Chrissy's response (PRIZM9), I did. She's a wise and strong woman and she makes some awesome points - while our hubby's are not technically addicts, we're dealing with similar issues in some ways.

Take care of YOU and remember he's old enough to take responsibility for his own choices. I'm here if you need to talk.

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BELLSES 2/21/2014 5:23PM

    Like the others, I wish there was something I could do to help. From what you've said, I know it might be hard not to give him junk, but I do like the idea of telling him if he wants it to get it himself!

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JAXMOMMY 2/21/2014 4:59PM

    Oh Honey! You are not a horrible person! Dealing with a diabetic is tough enough and even worse when they are totally non-complient! I can tell you, that being a diabetic sucks and at times we just want to give up and eat all the bad stuff and drink ourselves into a coma! But, diabetes rarely offers a quick death! If you do it slowly like your husband apparently is, it is a long, painful death and you bring the family along for the ride! Shoot! Going blind was enough for me. My a1c is good and so far so good with my kidneys, my feet and hands, etc. and all those other lovely complications! I wish I could help. An insulin pump can make a huge difference if he is insulin dependent. I certainly feel for you! At this rate he won't last but so long. The ketoacidosis will eventually take out the kidneys and the heart. Oh! All I can do is say I'm here if you need someone who will understand your feelings! Spark mail me any day and scream, cry, fuss! I'm on the other side, but Irealized a long time ago how my disease affected those around me. Just like any addiction or behavior issue, you can't change him. Only he can change. I do suggest that if he asks you to fetch him a alcoholic beverage that you refuse. If he wants it, make him get up and get it himself. If he wants greasy, fast food, tell him to go out and get it, but you are offering this grilled chicken or whatever you cooked for you.... What can he do? I imagine he is unable to drive at this point. Just tell him straight up, if you want to kill yourself do it on your own. I'm not helping you do it! All you can change is what you do. Also, if he wants to fight you.... Well, first of all I think you can take him and second, leave. You are not a horrible person if you remove yourself from the situation. Others may talk, but can their ttalk really hurt you? The answer is no. The only one who can make this better for you is you. I'm only blunt because I would want my husband to leave me if I was killing myself. Maybe that would smack me in the face like going blind did the first time! Wishing you peace!

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PRIZM96 2/21/2014 4:43PM

    First of all, great job on being so damn honest! I bet that felt good! Good for you. You definitely have A LOT going on! Phew!

Now, the thing is, is that you can't Control it (the disease or him), you can't Cure it, and you didn't Cause it.

The 3 C's. Wanna know where I learned them? In NarAnon. A 12 step program for family members of addicts. My husband is an addict. I was watching him kill himself. I was watching him make horrible, life-threatening choices. Not listening to the wisdom of ME or the doctor!
Turns out.... he's a big boy and can make his own choices! LOL Who knew, right?! ;-)

BUT, I learned, and so can YOU, that you can control you and your happiness. You can learn to be a "support" system without taking on the burden of his decisions. You can learn to detach with love. YOU can be happy no matter what he chooses to eat or drink! It's possible! You deserve to be happy. Period. BUT, that happiness needs to come from YOU, not dependent on your husband's choices.

You do not need to be a "mother" or a "carer" to him. It's simply not your place. You can love him as your husband and the father of your daughters. You can take him to all of his appts if necessary, filling subscriptions if he is not able, etc. BUT, you do not need to take the responsibility of his actions as your own!

This sentence broke my heart: "I also hate him for making me not like myself very much". He doesn't have that control over you. You are giving him too much credit. You need to love YOU! It's your job to love yourself, no one else's.

When you learn to "do you" & be happy and live a full life DESPITE his choices, that's when things will be better!!! Will he start to see that there is a life worth living and decide to make better choices? Maybe. Actually, very likely. It happens ALL the time with addicts/alcoholics. However, if it doesn't, you are still living a full and happy life. So really, what do you have to lose?

Much love to you! :-)

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JENSHAINES 2/21/2014 4:43PM

    Oh M, huge hugs and as Cyndi said, I wish I was physically there to lend support - we could at least get out for runs together.

What do his doctors, etc., say? Is anyone (other than you, and presumably the girls) taking him to task for his behavior? Would that help? Bah... I'm going to write you a sparkmail.

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SHANTODD420 2/21/2014 4:37PM

    Wow sorry for your husband being that way. Hope he starts taking better care of himself.


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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 2/21/2014 4:37PM

Oh, hun, I wish I could do more than to be here to listen and wish you the best. It is so hard when loved ones basically just give up and don't care anymore. It is so hard to change, even when you really want to. (I have several diabetic friends, one of whom died from it the other is slowly killing herself too because she can't stick to a healthy eating plan, although she starts/stops/starts/stops).


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BIGPAWSUP 2/21/2014 4:37PM

    Sweetie, I'm so sorry. What a mess. Try to keep your head up. That's all you can do.

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PICKIE98 2/21/2014 4:36PM

    You are right: he is making his choice.. dragging you kicking and screaming along with him on this voyage.

Unfortunately for those who DO take care of themselves, it is a ticking time bomb right under our noses. I am diabetic and I do have treats once in awhile, I Do have the neuropathy, the pain in feet and hands.
I have been blessed: My mom was born blind and all three of we girls have bad eyes, BUT my cataracts have not progressed in two years.. I was diagnosed six years ago with Type II, but must have had it for years before, it is a sneaky thing ..
Hugs to you both....
IMHO if it was me, I would not supply junk, would not lie to anybody about his habits, including family and doc.

In the broad scheme of things in life, you just want him to s--- or get off the pot.. either snap to, or go for broke and abuse his body so badly that it just gives out..

It is like an alcoholic, they have to hit bottom,, sometimes they live until then, sometimes not..
bottom may be amputation, coma, blindness, cardiac arrest,etc..

I am so sorry for this situation you are in with him.. praying he wakes up before it is too late..

Comment edited on: 2/21/2014 4:42:57 PM

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Love Letter to Myself (and why I am NOW worth it)

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Part of the challenge I am taking part in this weekend asks us to write a love letter to ourselves, and I am never one to turn down easy points, but then as I thought about it a bit more, it worried me.

It worried me because you know what, I DIDN'T USED TO LOVE MYSELF, and all these love letters need a bit of context - some of them will be by peeps who do love themselves and always have; some will be by peeps who love themselves now, but it has been a journey; and some will be by people will be faking it until they make it.

Now I fall into the second category in that a year ago I did't love myself, 6 months ago I didn't love myself, I think I discovered that I did about a month ago, and it was an amazing discovery, as I think the last time I loved myself was probably about 28 years ago. At 15 I was aneroxic, not a sign of self love, then I started smoking and smoked for the next 17 or 18 years, again not a sign of self love, then I piled on a load of weight, not really something that someone who loves themself does.

Basically I never thought I was worth it, and on my weight loss journey over the past 5-6 years and 41 pounds I never got it, and as a result I sort of kangeroo'd on my slow journey downwards, loosing some, gaining some back, loosing some, gaining some back. And I even knew the reason for this was emotional, it was all in my head. Some peeps get to goal without sorting out their heads, but I am not one of those peeps, I have never been able to get smaller than I think I deserve.

Last week I realised - you know what I AM WORTH IT, I can see my goal weight and it doesn't scare me, I deserve to be happy, and I AM HAPPY, so if you are still in the faking it until you make it, I hope this will give you hope to keep on pushing forwards.

And Finally, my love letter:

Dear Me,

I love you no matter what you weigh, I love you no matter what size your pants are, I love you when you are good or bad, wacky or sensible, running or sat.

You have many wonderful traits, and a few appalling ones, but I love you as a whole person, I accept you for yourself and as yourself. You have nothing to prove to me or anyone else, because your imperfections make you perfectly you.

Yours now and forever,


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLINMW 2/21/2014 8:48AM

  Stay motivated!

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FUNGIRL81005 2/20/2014 11:35AM

    Love your letter!! emoticon

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REFORMDEB 2/17/2014 10:20PM

    I think that is the problem many of us have, we just don't know how to love ourselves. I am so glad you found out how to love yourself again! You are a very caring lady to others and it's good that you can care about yourself now too!

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BELLSES 2/17/2014 4:09PM

    I'm so glad you've gotten there! It is a wonderful thing!

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 2/17/2014 11:26AM

    Great letter! Very inspiring! I'm sorry it took so long to love yourself but glad that you have finally gotten there! That is more than half the battle.

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JAXMOMMY 2/16/2014 10:35PM

    Well put and beautiful! Good for you!

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TEMPENATIVE 2/16/2014 10:02PM

    This is heartbreakingly beautiful. I am so glad you have found the self love. I am proud of you that you have claimed it. It shows a lot of courage and growth. emoticon

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BIGPAWSUP 2/16/2014 5:48PM

    Absolutely wonderful.

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THEMFOLK 2/16/2014 5:32PM

    This is a wonderful blog and a very brief but specific letter. If you don't mind, I may ruminate on what I would write in a letter to myself and possibly post it on my own blog. (Great challenge!)

Keep on loving yourself. I think it's what we're all trying to learn to do in some shape or form. You *are* enough. You *are* worth your own love and best efforts. You *are* your life's best work from which all other personal accomplishments flow.

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SIMONEKP 2/16/2014 5:05PM


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PREDEL 2/16/2014 4:39PM

    This is post has had a major impact on me. It's powerful! You have come such a very long way. You've shown me a path, and one that does give me hope. I'm just starting to have moments of 'I'm worth it' in terms of making food choices, but it doesn't yet plug in, if that makes any sense. I'm still somewhere in the middle (or at the very start) of this path you've shown me. But hey, I now have an emotional road map to follow. So I'm super grateful to you, as always. And I just might have to start stalking you.

Seriously M. You are an amazing human being and I'm so glad that you see that! Thanks for posting this! It is truly an amazing letter!

emoticon Pat

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