Sunday, April 13, 2014
Okay, you probably know how to feel good, eat right, exercise, spend time with your family, have reflective time (or faith), give a little back now and then, achieve something. What I am talking about is none of the above.
Far more mundane, but one of the things most of us forget when we gain weight. And that is to wear things that make you feel good. I am not talking about hot or sexy or even beautiful, I am talking GOOD.
An old pair of sweats can make you feel good if they are so comfortable and speak to you of lazy Saturday mornings with your family; my trainers make me feel good, as testament to the fact that I can run; I have tops that skim my curves making me feel great; and others that are so soft they are like having a cuddle.
I take care of my nails now - they look awesome tonight in purple, I own about 30 different colours from neon pink, to yellow, to green and to blue. If nothing else I am wearing makes me feel good my nails do. Maybe for you it would be your earrings, or brooches, or hats, or shoes.
Over Easter I am going to review my wardrobe, with an eye not just does it fit, but also how does it make me feel - and if the answer isn't positive, it is time for it to go to a charity bin.
So what are you wearing that makes you feel good? And if the answer is nothing - Go Change.
Nuff said - Moving on
Saturday, March 08, 2014
Yesterday I held my own personal pity party.
This is not an apology, because I am not sorry for taking time out to feel sorry for myself. I am important and to carry on like a machine when stuff happens would be bad for my spirit.
So yesterday started off okay, then a meeting planned for Monday was moved to the afternoon. I wasn't too worried even though a director had called it and our head of function for the company was coming. Well we knew the point of the meeting quite quickly. The 4 of us in the room didn't have job roles anymore.
Gob-smacked, just a little. I was moved into this role about 2 months ago to 'save' me, and now the job is gone, but they have created 2 new roles which only the 4 of us can apply for. So we all walked out of the room with 2 job descriptions and a timetable.
17th March - Applications in
w/c 24th March - Interviews
31st March - announcements
1st April - start of redundancy consultation period
12th May - end of consultation. Redundancy.
There is me being the clown laughing and joking, and trying to make everyone feel better.
It wasn't until I was headed home it hit me - I could be out of work in just over 2 months. I am the only breadwinner in the house, I have too much debt (a long and painful story for another time), I have a criminal record (if you are interested I blogged about it over a year ago, it is not something I am proud of, and it is not great for getting a job), my car is a company car, so if I lose my job I am car-less.
So I held myself a pity party - the jelly babies were tasty, the peanut butter was good, and the couple of beers were relaxing. I haven't tracked everything I ate yesterday, I could, but I have no desire to add guilt to the other negative emotions.
Well that was yesterday, and as a dear friend has reminded me it is time to come out fighting. So here is the game plan:
1) Polish my CV
2) Update my Linked-In profile
3) Talk to my referees
4) Read the Job Descriptions until I fully understand them then craft a covering letter
5) Post my CV with some agencies
6) Research the interviewer
7) Work out interview outfits
8) Review monthly expenditure for where it can be trimmed.
9) Support the others going through this with me, we maybe in competition at interview, but I am the best candidate , so I can afford to be magnanimous
10) Stay positive, being miserable isn't going to make me successful
And my silver-linings
Change is scary, but I hate the job I had been moved into, the new ones are far better for me
I have been redundant before, I have been fired before and I have never been out of work more than 2 months.
My bonus pays off the mortgage arrears I have, so even if I have problems paying there is a long path to travel to homelessness
I have lots of transferable skills so I can go anywhere.
This may be the push I need to finish my book, if I get off my thumbs i might be on to a best-seller, okay unlikely, but possible.
I might wobble over the next few weeks, but I know my friends here will help me stay the course. I hope that some of you who wobble as well will remember it is okay to be vulnerable and let others steady us, because we will be the ones steadying another time.
I am a rainbow - formed by sunshine and rain
I am a diamond - formed by the mundane and pressure
I am a woman - formed by love and the support of my friends
Nuff said - moving on.
Friday, February 21, 2014
I said I would blog about this, and I better do it now, or I won't, - I am feeling bleurgh and like I am not a very nice person.
My hubby is a diabetic, and he is suffering from nearly every complication from diabetes; sensory neuropathy, autonomic neuropathy (including complete impotence for over 5 years), regular bouts of diabetic ketoacidosis and now retinopathy. (he also has crushed vertebrae, and arthritis)
A couple of weeks ago we saw the opthalmic consultant about the retinopathy, and he has a two year battle ahead to save the sight in his right eye, and his left eye has the early symptoms of the same thing. She said the key thing he need to do is keep his sugars under control.
Monday he has an appointment with the nurse and I am terrified that he will be diagnosed with nephropathy (kidney damage) as that is the only diabetes related thing he doesn't have.
The reason for my frustration - he eats crap, he drinks like an alcoholic, and he does NO exercise, he spends several hours everyday lying on the sofa. I have come to terms with the fact that he is killing himself, it is his call, and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it, and he doesn't care enough about his daughters either, and I don't care enough to stop him.
I hate him when he constantly asks for greasy take-out food, for alcoholic drinks, it is not funny or a joke; I hate that I am more of a mother or a carer than a wife; I also hate him for making me not like myself very much, because if he is going to kill himself I wish he would get on and do it, so I can get on with my life.
Nuff said - moving on
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Part of the challenge I am taking part in this weekend asks us to write a love letter to ourselves, and I am never one to turn down easy points, but then as I thought about it a bit more, it worried me.
It worried me because you know what, I DIDN'T USED TO LOVE MYSELF, and all these love letters need a bit of context - some of them will be by peeps who do love themselves and always have; some will be by peeps who love themselves now, but it has been a journey; and some will be by people will be faking it until they make it.
Now I fall into the second category in that a year ago I did't love myself, 6 months ago I didn't love myself, I think I discovered that I did about a month ago, and it was an amazing discovery, as I think the last time I loved myself was probably about 28 years ago. At 15 I was aneroxic, not a sign of self love, then I started smoking and smoked for the next 17 or 18 years, again not a sign of self love, then I piled on a load of weight, not really something that someone who loves themself does.
Basically I never thought I was worth it, and on my weight loss journey over the past 5-6 years and 41 pounds I never got it, and as a result I sort of kangeroo'd on my slow journey downwards, loosing some, gaining some back, loosing some, gaining some back. And I even knew the reason for this was emotional, it was all in my head. Some peeps get to goal without sorting out their heads, but I am not one of those peeps, I have never been able to get smaller than I think I deserve.
Last week I realised - you know what I AM WORTH IT, I can see my goal weight and it doesn't scare me, I deserve to be happy, and I AM HAPPY, so if you are still in the faking it until you make it, I hope this will give you hope to keep on pushing forwards.
And Finally, my love letter:
I love you no matter what you weigh, I love you no matter what size your pants are, I love you when you are good or bad, wacky or sensible, running or sat.
You have many wonderful traits, and a few appalling ones, but I love you as a whole person, I accept you for yourself and as yourself. You have nothing to prove to me or anyone else, because your imperfections make you perfectly you.
Yours now and forever,
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