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Emotional Eating

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Gwen called me last night. I am truly frightened for her. She told me that she really isn't as concerned about the growth near her lung as she is about the bruising on her spleen. The bruise there is 9cm. I didn't know what to say. I just worry and worry.
She sounds so sad and it hurts me so deeply to know that she is unhappy and in pain. She has worked so hard. She is smart and talented and she deserves happiness.
She laughed at me when I told her that my heart stops beating when the phone rings. I am so worried that something will happen to her.
I hung up the phone, went into the living room and poured a cup of whole peanuts. Yes. I was good. I ate peanuts, but I wanted ice cream. I wanted a cigarette but I shelled peanuts instead. I wanted the world to be a fair place for my sister.


Better today

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I had a rough day yesterday. They were spraying some kind of nasty chemical at work and I left with a migraine. They are still spraying today, but the headache isn't nearly as bad.
To make a long and pretty boring story shorter, (but still boring.) I sat on the couch and rested my head. I did not exercise. I did stay within my 1550. That , at least was a good thing.
I am so happy for Kim. She called me last night and we talked for a long time about Rick. She is head over heels for him. I pray he is good for her.
God blessed us with three great kids. Simply thinking about them makes me smile on most days. We have had our problems. But they make me glad I had them every day. I cannot wait to see what contribution each of them is going to make to the world.
I spoke with Gwen today. She hasn't heard from Nettie. I don't know how she does it. It has to be so hard just knowing that there is something black an deadly growing inside you. But to continue working, taking care of Zach and dealing with Nettie's teenage tantrums, I just don't know how she does it.
She amazes me and she angers me. I think the only way she is going to the hospital is via ambulance and then I hope they get her there in time to save her life.
I pray and I worry, I worry and I pray. The worrying never really helps, the prayer always does.


Just Thinking

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I am feeling a little down today. Everything feels stagnant. I am working towards my goals, but some days are harder than others.
I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know the person who is looking back at me.
It isn't just the weight, it is my age also. I see a face that I am not familiar with. A face that my family loves and looks forward to seeing every day, but that I don't recognise.
I remember looking at Dan on Mother's Day and really seeing the changes in his face. I felt such an overwhelming surge of tenderness while looking at him. Funny that I still see him as a twenty-two year-old stud muffin most of the time.
I know he sees the me of today, too and I wonder how he feels about that.
My mother was so obsessed with her looks that I swore I would not let wrinkles and time upset me. I never thought of myself as a vain person, but I discovered after forty that you notice when people no longer see you.
It makes me even more determined to follow through with changing my health for the better. I want to take the trip into old age with my husband and walk most of the journey, or run, or golf, or whatever we feel like doing for the rest of our lives.


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