Friday, January 08, 2010
I have been reading my copy of The Spark. Goal setting is very important and I do set goals, but my goals don't tend to be real specific. I am amazed at how I am struggling with this part because I have preached it for years. I started to cry when I was reminded of one of my goals from when I was just four years old, ingrained in me for that long, almost fifty years. I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to love and be loved. So when the bank account dwindled and I felt I had to start work something else was set in motion. My job really didn't interfere with being able to attend my kids' functions. I t did however interfere with me being there when my youngest came home from school. I remember him saying how much he missed me being there in subtle and not so subtle ways. I didn't always want to cook dinner when I came home.I was tired. After a while I would cook whatever he wanted because he was the only one here. It was my way of showing him how much I really did love him. To this day when he comes home I make sure I plan the menu around his wants. It helps that his food tastes are almost identical to mine. In the time that I worked at that place is when I put on all my weight in a very short period of time. and I am talking 54 pounds. Once the damage was done I had no problem taking another job later where I wasn't there when he got up, then he wasn't there when I got home. The distance began to grow, he got involved in drugs and now I rarely see him. It has left a hole in my heart. I cannot change what is past, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to regain my son. That's probably at the top of my list, above my weight loss. I will probably sit down and write a letter to him today and I hope it makes at least a little difference to him.