Tuesday, December 16, 2008
M y favorite Christmas movie just happens to be "It's A Wonderful Life". For those of you who have never seen nor heard of this movie I urge you to find it and rent it from a movie rental place or check it out from your public library or buy it. It's a movie worth watching. It makes you think about what this world would be like if you were never born. This guy, "George" (Jimmy Stewart) had fallen on some terrible financial catastrophe and confessed to a wingless "angel" that he wished he had never been born. There are great scenes before and after he made this statement, but that statement made me think about my life and how I would wish I was not "cursed" to be the "fat" girl/lady the rest of my life. Maybe the world would be better without me. But who else can be me?
I longed to be thin all of my life. As a child I grew up dreaming about being in a different family and being sexy, thin and fine. I thought it was bad enough being po', but to be po and the only "fat" one in the house was terrible for me. That was my mindset. People were not that accepting of the thicker females back then as they are now so I kept to myself because I was ashamed of how I looked. Now, my family was not bad where I wanted to disown them, but I yearned to have a two parent home and we did not because my parents divorced when I was still a toddler. I'm sure lifetime obesity swept a lot of us away to our own dream worlds where we were accepted as we were on the outside. Sometimes this led me to feelings of doubt and insecurity about who I really was.
God has gifted me with the talent to write. Mainly poetry but also short stories, articles and I have always wanted to be a published writer since I was in the fifth grade. What if I had those dream families or the skinny me back when? Would I write a poem as easy as I breath? Could I have had a relationship with God like I do now if I was the Deborah I dreamed about? I don't think my path would be the same at all if those dreams were true. The poet in me would be lost forever. Where would my children be? What about my mother? She was the best single mother I know. She was a strong mother. No, she was not perfect but she did the best she could do with what she had to do it with. Life was hard, but it was not so bad. I have a great family. They are all beautiful to me. They all look up to me because of who I am...inside and the gifts God has given me that I was able to share with them and some of the world because I was born. Because I was not "thin". Where would this world be without the real me?
I no longer will dream about a fictional thin me. I will become a thinner Deborah because that is what I want to do. I am losing this weight because I want to lose the weight. I am beautiful regardless of what others think, rather thick or thin. God gave me to my family as a blessing. I love myself and I want to give the world the best me that I can give. I desire to be thinner and I will. This is definitely a lifestyle change for anyone who wants the weight to stay off. I am determined to keep this weight off. I feel so blessed to have the "real" me come into contact with so many wonderful people on SparkPeople. It helps so much to have a place to come and be who you are and to be accepted and receive the encouragement and push needed to just do it.
Wow, It's a Wonderful Life! Already!