Monday, November 12, 2012
December. About a month after I entered the world. Pretty! A long time ago...but not that long!
If only we could remain so young and innocent without issues or problems trying to tear us down. Yet God kept me for many years in His safe Haven of Love.
I wondered at times growing up why I was the “one” overweight. My sister was skinny and my brother was a normal size too. Both parents normal weight. So…I determined in my mind that I was SUPPOSED to be overweight…or FAT…as the other children would call me. How cruel and a mind altering word. FAT. Who was I? Why did they judge me because of how I looked? Why did I judge myself? If you notice, on my baby picture I was a lighter brown then I realized. Growing up I didn’t like mirrors and only stood in the bathroom mirror to do my hair or make up. But I saw a darker girl. Nothing wrong with being dark or light skinned. At the time I associated my skin color with my weight. I didn’t see that my skin tone was just like my sister’s and brother. Brown with yellow tones. I think it was the black and white pictures that eschewed my vision. I know I’m going left but I need to say some of this for MYSELF. Why? Because according to a scale I only have 12 (twelve) pounds to lose before I get to the weight of 145. Why has this taken me this long to realize that I DON’T HAVE TO BE OVERWEIGHT!???
2nd grade. I didn't look chubby to myself then.
4th grade and a BIG change! Why was that? There was something going on in my young life. Couldn’t tell anyone. Ashamed. Stressed out 9 year old. Wow. Ok…I remember this age was the start of being abused sexually. It didn’t stop until I was in the 8th grade. I was afraid to tell my mother or any other grownup and my mother didn’t find out until 2004. Never told her who or will I tell anyone who because they are deceased but they were not an adult just an older kid. I also wet the bed…a long time. So I’ m thinking I ate for comfort and friendship. Plus…food taste good!
This is me one year later in the 5th grade…10 years old. I became a “woman”! Oh joy! From the 4th to the 5th all of a sudden I had the biggest chest in school. Yes! Bigger than some of the teachers. Now…more teasing and laughter and pain! I was smart and that was a plus. I started writing poetry at this age. I also spent a lot of time alone in my room with make believe friends. Quiet. Trying to understand my life as the “fat girl”. I probably burned any photos I had of my 6th and 7th grade year. I remember starting to get pimples in the 7th but they were gone by the 8th grade. I enjoyed my 8th grade. Over the summer before I lost 20lbs. My doctor put me on a 1000 calorie diet. I was a sandwich eater…anything with a hint of meat in it I made a sandwich: spaghetti, beans (salt pork) etc. When she told me I only could eat 2 slices of bread per day and before 2pm I cringed. See, I ate most of my sandwiches at dinner and I didn’t know how in the world I would live through that torture. Yet…I lost 20lbs! My fitness was dancing and some toning I found in a book my mother had. I would go in my room and for 60 minutes dance to music I had. So happy when I went back to junior high almost my normal weight.
148lbs in the 8th grade. That’s just 3lbs above my goal for now. Of course, I gained it back. I emotionally ate cookies because I was too afraid to talk to this 9th grade boy that I liked since 6th grade. He did talk to me one day in the hall but I probably didn’t say anything. I was still shy even with the weight off. A great thing happened when I lost the weight though…I told my abuser NEVER TO TOUCH ME AGAIN!!!
9th grade. I’m dating myself with this afro, but I’m still not that old! Lol My hair is my crown! Loved it. I wasn’t wearing makeup because my mother wouldn’t let me. I remember trying to put marker under my eyes in the 8th grade. Lol This year I got really close to God. I read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. Loved to read anyway.
As I progressed I became a food addict. I would send my little cousins to the store or burger joint to get my “fix”. Most of the time 2 of everything. 2 pizza burgers, fish sandwiches, specials that included burger, fries and a drink, 3 Musketeers and even two Tabs. Wow! When I graduated high school my driver’s license said I weighed 190lbs but I’m sure that wasn’t true. They don’t weigh you at the DMV! Lol
Senior Year Picture taken in September so my hair style and look were different. I was in Cosmetology and my hair was a more attractive style when I actually graduated. I’m sure I weighed more than the 190 lbs though.
Finally! In October I lost a total of: 7lbs and 5 inches. My fitness stamina is growing and I measure my food daily. That’s the part that was missing and I started doing that in March of this year. I realize I had portion distortion as I grew up. Then it continued after I became an adult and had my own family. I’m retraining my thinking and I truly thank and praise God for sending me to SparkPeople. It’s more here than just losing weight. It’s the total package. I have high Faith and Trust in God and He uses tools like SparkPeople to get us where we need to be in our lives if we desire. 12 more lbs to go then I will play it by ear. Enjoying having to get rid of too big clothes. I tried to take a now picture the other day but my phone is crazy at times plus my picture has to look just right. I still have the CHEST lol so I’m working on not being self conscience. This is truly a dream come true. Praise God It’s Possible!!!
Thank you so much for taking this trip back with me. During the times of my childhood my mother was an alcoholic. I don't blame her for anything that happened to me. I know she had her own pain. I also believe that's why I never told her.
God's Many Blessings!
Holla@Jesus! A Very Present Help In Times Of Trouble!!!