Sunday, June 17, 2012
I'm facing a really tough day with trying to lose weight. I'm realizing that my depression is taking a huge bite out of me trying to lose weight. But, I'm stuck on how to deal with it.
Depression has definitely been, I want to say, an almost life long battle for me. I want to say it started getting really bad in late in middle school, had a bad spell through 2nd year of college. Cleared up for a bit, but I'm getting into another bad spell.
I'm finding that I am just really frustrated with my life and that there seems to be absolutely no one I can relate to right now. I am first frustrated over a job that is going no where. I'm been there for almost 4 years. I had been promoted once, got demoted about a year and a half ago. I've had two managers tell me that they would recommend me for a promotion since then if I want to go for it, but keep complaining every day about stuff they think I do wrong (likecomplaining if I don't use a client's name twice in a phone call, but then think I should be completely accepting when they use the wrong name for me and I ask that they use the correct one. Says so much when I'm not just an employee but also one of their clients).
I'm also frustrated that my family thinks that what my two sisters want is what I happen to want as well and then don't get when I say it doesn't work for me. I've felt like the misfit out of me and my sisters for years. Both of my sisters have, for years now, liked a much more metropolitan life style than me. Both of them, before moving out of our parents' home, expressed an interest in living in a big city because they enjoy a much more partying, urban lifestyle (like they enjoy bar hopping). I have expressed for years that big cities are for strictly visiting - I have a very open dislike and intolerance of urban noise and being in close quarters. And yet my family gets pissed at me when I state I am desperate to move out of my townhome. Granted, my grandfather helped me out in getting started, but I don't get how I canmake more clear to them my feelings than when I tell them, " I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to get started, but I am afraid that the people in the unit attached to mine are going to burn mine down after they openly admit to falling asleep in bed with lit cigarettes and I can't stand how my place smells, even though I do everything imaginable under the sun to deordorize it because there is only a single piece of holy plaster board between my unit that my family forced me to buy and the one next door that has 2 smokers (I'm an adament non-smoker, by the way), 5 incessently barking dogs, 2 cats and a snake. I get home at night from work, and cannot even get onto my own property before I am forced to walk by the front door of the unit next to mine and have the owner walk out and beg me for money (the same one who owns 5 dogs, 2 cats and a python. Oh, and did I mention the man and his wife smoke, have satellite tv and internet and each have a cell phone AND have a hot tub? And then I get told by the town home association, that, even though the neighbors can smoke and have 8 animals, I cannot use a charcoal grill on my patio (which is my legal property, not theirs)? And my family tells me that I'm a selfish bitch for wanting a house (I want one so that I can at least have a yard between me and loud, smelly neighbors who are trying to burn down my home).
I'm finding all of this incredibly taxing and am finding that I drinking more because of it. I'm scared it's going to be the ruin of me trying to lose weight... I wish I knew how to deal with these issues and be able to relate to others so that they don't cause me to be nore emotional and overeat/drink