Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Got a jog in again yesterday morning. Just over 1.6 miles. Husband and I started out - he 'encouraged' me to extend the run 'just a bit'. He and I are very different. He can set his mind to something and 'just do it'. I'm not saying he doesn't struggle or work hard - he works very hard, both mentally and physically. I tend to be more 'mind ploughing' (to stay in theme) - before I start moving: I've committed to a certain run, prepared my mind to tell my body what it has to do, visualized the run and where I know I'm going to have problems, imagined the end point...ALOT of mind ploughing. If I change after I've started...well, it's not something I handle well. And I know that doesn't speak well of me...I'm just trying to stay honest.
So - I looked at him, smiled and said "Love me for who I am...not for who you want me to be." He smiled...but I know he was disappointed in me. But- I like to start slow and short - get good at that run - and then when I feel confident - can breathe easier and can make my legs move at quicker than a snail's pace, I'll expand the run or increase the speed. I'm just glad I'm out there doing it.
But as I ran, I kept mulling over what I had said - and I thought back to a book 'Sons and Lovers' by DH Lawrence. There's a line in there that has always stuck with me - “She could not be content with the little he might be; she would have him the much that he ought to be. So, in seeking to make him nobler than he could be, she destroyed him.”
I've thought those lines over MANY times - funny how I've always applied my thinking to my sons and husband, but never me. Am I content with the little I might be - my short 1.5 mile jogs? No, I'm not. But - (and I think this is one point Lawrence was getting at) - I have to be the one to decide to change, expand and grow. I must do it for me - because I want it. My husband is trying to support and encourage me. I don't want to give the impression that he is anything other than supportive. But, my personality is not one that thrives from that encouragement. I get disappointed in myself, mad at myself for not having the drive I used to have, and then I get annoyed at him for wanting me to be more than I am (at that moment) - what I think he thinks I 'ought' to be.
And what 'ought' I to be? I will never be a driven runner - my race is with myself, not with anyone else out there. I will be content to do my 5K's at 10 minute miles. But it's going to take me some time to work myself up both physically and mentally to do that. And that's ok. "The much that (I) ought to be" is going to be something that evolves.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
'You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.'
Not sure who came up with that bit of wisdom, but it fits my life right now. I have been thinking, and musing, and preparing, and 'fixin to' for way too long. It's time to put some action behind the words and thoughts. Summer's about over here - school starts in 2 weeks for my youngest son. Funny, as I did my first blog when there were just over 2 weeks before summer started.
Did I accomplish anything this summer? Honestly, yes.
Did I accomplish ALL I wanted to this summer? Absolutely, no.
Can I still do something to feel better about this summer in the next 2 weeks? YES!
Will I? YES, YES, YES!
No matter how much I wheeze, hurt, argue with myself, cringe, or cry - I WILL jog tomorrow am = first thing. It's not going to be the most graceful run I've ever done - but it's going to mean something. I hope I feel the breeze on my face as I run tomorrow.
Friday, May 04, 2012
Thanks so much for the message of support 2Feather! Yes - keeping it off will be another goal for me.
In tracking my food the last few days, I've realized I don't drink nearly enough water, Years ago I did JC program. It worked for me for a while, but I didn't like the packaged food w preservatives, etc and wanted 'Clean' food. But during that program, I watched my water, fruit, dairy, etc - and the combos of all really made a difference for me. So, that's what I am going to try to focus on to get back on track. Water - and lots of it. Fruit - 2 per day. Greek yogurt - 1 per day.
I need to weigh, measure and take some pictures so I can start a project notebook. The project being me. May be silly, but if that's what it takes to make this work for me, fine. This isn't just about weight - it's changing my lifestyle for the better.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
In 20 months, I turn 50. REALLY??? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? I so clearly remember being in 5th grade, I can 'feel' being 16, it's just yesterday I was 21, and then 27 - and then 30 (bad year)...a few blinks and here I am. OK, I have to explain the 30 being bad - It's NOT being 30 that was bad. Our college dog died that year, my grandmother passed away 2 days after I turned 30, and my best friend was diagnosed with esophageal and stomach cancer 4 days after she turned 30. So, 30 was the year I 'grew up'. Since then, I feel like life has just flown by...and I've become someone I don't recognize (or much like) anymore. I want to be ME again. I want to have drive, determination - I want to WANT to exercise and sweat and get breathless as I work out.
SO - I don't want to turn my 1st blog into a novel. As I said, 20 months. SO - SURELY I can lose 20 pounds by the time I turn 50...Can't I???? 1 lousy pound a month. I CAN DO IT.
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