CHICKENSENSE's Recent Blog Entries

Today is the Last day for the Rest of your Life

Monday, January 26, 2009

Well I decided that today was not the First day Of the rest of my life but the LAST day for the rest of my life.
It is the last day that I am going to shame myself for how I have lived and the choices I have made good or bad. Today is the last day that I am going to allow myself to think that I am broken or that there is something wrong with me. Today is the Last day that I will allow others to make me feel inadequate and like I am defective. Today is the Last day that I will ever allow myself to think anything of myself other than that i am whole true and capable to do anything that I want. I will never again allow myself to put myself down. I am worth thinking good and positive things about myself and I am worth sacrificing for. I know this because God sent his son to sacrifice for me so how can I not think i am worth more than I have in the past. Today is the last day that I will lie to myself and tell myself that I am a failure and will never be able to do anything that I put my mind and heart to. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I matter. I am worth it. I am capable. I will give myself credit today for what I have accomplished in my life and not focus on the things that I have told myself I have been a failure for. I am not that person any longer. Today I am an achiever, I am whole, I am healthy, I am confident and capable. Today I am a good person, I am strong and able to do all things through Christ. Today I am Loved by others and myself.

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RONSMYSHARONA 1/29/2009 10:25PM

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what am I waiting for?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I am sitting here wondering what I am waiting for? what is it going to take for me to take my life seriously and make the changes I need to make no matter the cost. when will I be able to put my health first in my life and be willing to do whatever it takes. It feels so good to be able to say i have lost weight and to see my clothes getting bigger but it just seems like I am always struggling to stay away from the food. why can't I say NO to the things that are not good for me. I say no to drugs and to drinking and driving and other things that are not in my best interest so why is it so hard to say no to the thing that is killing me the most. FOOD. it is hard because we have to eat but why does eating healthy have to be so darn hard?
well I realize that my problem is that I do not value my life. I do not see myself as worth sacrificing for. but that is going to change. I am going to fake it until I make it. I have made a promise to myself that I am not going to let another day go by without seeing myself as I am. I am smart, funny, kind, compassionate, caring and worth taking care of. I will not let another day go by without telling myself that I am worth it. I have value. I have value. I have value. I will keep telling myself this until I believe it. then I will walk in that value. I have made many good healthy changes and I will continue to make more. I will also give myself permission to make mistakes and make wrong choices as long as I hold myself accountable and know that every day is a new chance to make good choices and yesterday is the past and not in control of me today.
I am worth it. I have value. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
I want to lose another 20 lbs. by the end of february for a wedding and I will do all I can to accomplish that goal and if I don't then that is ok as long as I know I did my best.


failure as success

Friday, January 09, 2009

Yea I know you are thinking what the heck? lol but here is my explanation. today I failed. I ate way more than I was supposed to. I did not make good choices today with what I ate. but I refuse to see it as a failure. I see it as a success. I look back on what I was eating five years ago and how I was so unaware of what I was eating and well what I ate today was a 1000 times better that what I was eating five years ago so I consider that a success. The second thing is that today I was totally aware that I made some not so good choices. five years ago I would have never been able to see that let alone admit it to myself or anyone else. so I see that as two successes.

Last week I applied for a job at a girls group home. it was for the weekend overnight shift. it was the perfect match for me. it fit my schedule for me to continue to do full time school and also continue my live in position. it was with benefits and i have been trying to find a job with benefits for many years. it was just all around the perfect job.
I went to the interview and thought I had done well. two days later they called and asked if i could come in for two hours to observe. so I did. I thought that they would not have asked me to come in to observe if they were not interested. I was very excited. well then the weird thing is that i found out that my daughter lived in that same group home. (that is a long story in itself.) I received a call today letting me know that they went with someone with more experience working in a group home.
well as you can imagine it set me off on a day of depression. I was so bummed because I really had felt as though it was the perfect job for me but also because I am starting to feel a bit desperate to find a job that will allow me to continue my education as well as the job I have now. so I did what i always do. I ATE. AND I ATE SOME MORE. but you know even though I fell back into the same pattern, there was some differences. Yes I ate some things that were not good for my goals but I also ate some things that were. I still tried to recover the day and in the end ate healthy. so I think that was a HUGE success.
today I get a second chance to begin again and succeed.
Thank you God that you continue to go before me and continue to give me the strength to grow and change to have a healthier life.


where to begin

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

wow it is already almost a week into the new year and I have had so many ups and downs. I often wonder how do I find what will motivate me to resist the temptation? I thought it was my kids but then I realized I was doing it all for them and lost the motivation. I thought it was for my friends and realized that that wasn't working either. I want to be motivated for myself but if i were I probably wouldnt be in this situation in the first place. so I am wondering if in order to find motivation I must first find acceptance. to accept that I am ok no matter if I am big small tall short or whatever. I am ok. then I will be able to have the motivation to say NO MORE. I refuse to spend one more year wanting to be thinner but not doing anything about it then at the beginning of the next new year thinking I had a whole year and what could I have accomplished if I had been motivated. so this year I say NO MORE. I refuse to wait another year, another day to change and be motivated. I refuse to spend even one more day thinking that I am not worthy. I AM WORTHY. I AM WORTH WORKING HARD FOR. I AM WORTH MAKING A CHANGE FOR. I AM WORTH IT. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE GOD SAYS SO. and who am I to dispute what the Lord says.? so I had a revolation today in regards to my worth and I realize the only one that sees me as not worthy is me. I am my own worst critic. and it is going to STOP!!!!!!! no more. from now on I will only say positive things about myself. only things that will be encouraging and help me to continue my journey to become healthy again.

I have decided that I will no longer allow people into my life that will bring me down or find fault with who I am or what i accomplish.

If I only work out for five minutes today it is ok I love myself enough to allow myself the choice and I don't have to beat myself up for failing. I did not fail. I worked out for five minutes. how many days have I gone without working out at all? so even five minutes is an accomplishment. I will allow myself to be ok with me. I am going to spend the next year getting to know me. to find out what I really like and dont like. not just what i think I am supposed to like in order to be the good girl that I think I am supposed to be.

this is the year of redemption. I am redeeming my life I am claiming myself back. i am going to honor myself and give myself a break. I am going to challenge myself and see my value. I am going to achieve and believe and know that I can do anything I try to do. I can accomplish any goal that I set for myself.
THanks be to the Lord for his strength and JOY.
Blessings to all you wonderful passionate amazing people. thanks for your support.