Tuesday, January 22, 2013
So today I was still not feeling fantastic. I had strep this weekend and I am only on day 3 of meds. I had decided that I would still go to the gym. My throat was a little sore but the rest of me felt good enough. But then tonight, my husband and I got into a fight about our health and dental insurance. Really we were both just frustrated about the exact same thing and instead of being angry together and working out to relieve the stress, we basically went at each other. Totally the wrong way...So he decided he no longer wanted to go to the gym. At first I had decided that I did not want to go either. By this time I was angry, my hips and lower stomach are hurting bad from my fibroids, and all I wanted to do was scream and cry. But I pushed myself out the door. And at first I was without direction. As a matter of fact, I drove to 7-11 and got a diet coke lol and sat there. I called my dad to vent then listened to music and sang loudly as I drove down the street to the YMCA. I pulled in still unsure if I was going to go in. And you know what? For that moment it dawned on me that I had two ways this could go. 1) I would stay in the car and be angry, then drive home after awhile. And all along I would be giving myself all the excuses as to why I had made the right decision even though I would totally feel guilty knowing I made the wrong choice. And even though I knew the struggle between good and bad was one I'd had many times before (with the wrong choice winning of course) I would still accept that for tonight this was ok. OR 2)I could man up, walking in to the Y feeling angry and in pain and just work out. I mean, I would be in pain either way. Except that if I just went in there I would be in physical pain but mentally I would feel so much better.
It literally took me 5 minutes or so to decide...but I went in and worked out. I stuck to the elliptical, which a month ago I was not trying anymore because I had convinced myself it made my knee hurt (which it did, but not enough to give it up). I pushed hard. My max heart rate was 172, with my average being around 156. And I felt great. My knee did not hurt. My mind felt at ease. And well, my fibroids still hurt but hey, thats what my pain meds are for lol. Anyway, that is my story of self defeat today. And for once it was defeating my bad side and worked in my favor! :)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
It has been almost a month since I got off track. I was going to the gym almost every day, sometimes twice a day. I was doing great. I was focused. And then the holidays came rolling around and BOOM...I crash. And I start to miss a few days. Then I get sick and miss several days. And then work events, kid events, family gatherings, etc all become more important that the hour I need to work on me. And of course I swore I would get right back into it. And I have...a little bit. But I cant seem to build myself back up to where I was. I cant seem to force myself to get in the gym every single day. It is like I just dont want to, EXCEPT I DO WANT TO!! So what is it exactly that holds me back?? Laziness? Lack of focus? Lack of energy? Fear of failure? Fear of success? I mean, I want this so bad right? So why is it sooo hard for me to do?
I do not have the answers. I dont know why I am struggling. I do know that previously all those little distractions would have made me give up all together. So at least this time I am still going. I just need to go more. I just need to stick to the schedule I plan no matter what my mind is telling me. I need to push til it becomes habit all over again. Aggghh. This is the part I hate. Starting all the way back over. Well sorta. It is not all the way back over. Maybe that little piece right there...the part where I did not stop going completely...maybe that is the piece that will make this work for me. I did not give up, and so I am just progressing instead of beginning.
Ok, I am done for now. :)
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