Saturday, January 26, 2013
I've never thought of myself as a person with an eating disorder. I am not anorexic. I am not bulimic. I know that I am an emotional eater. I'm obese. I'm a chronic yo-yo dieter. I've had issues with food since I was a small child. However, I've never thought I fit into any sort of eating disorder classification. I almost hoped that I would somehow because maybe that meant that I could recover and that there was specific HELP out there for me. However, over the years, going to doctors and addressing my weight it has always been 'follow a low calorie diet. join weight watchers. stop eating certain foods. exercise.' One 'doctor' gave me phentermine. I wanted it. Should I have had it for a year? NO! I've been to counselors. No one really addressed WHY I'm fat - aside of course because I EAT TOO MUCH. Why do I eat too much though? Why do I emotionally eat? Why can't I control it? Why can't I get motivated to exercise? Why do I bounce back and forth, up and down? Do I have an eating disorder? Sometimes I eat even when I'm full. I know that I'm full. I eat anyways. Sometimes I buy something to eat that I really like and I'll think about it until I eat it. I'll think about it ALL NIGHT LONG. I don't want to eat it yet because I'm not hungry or I already ate. Why do I bring things into the house that will tempt me? I don't know. It's like a compulsion. I go through periods where I try. I will go shopping and I will ONLY get foods that I KNOW I SHOULD eat. I'll ignore that bad stuff that I want. I'll drive by the 20 fast food restaurants on the way home. I'll go home and eat something healthy. Sometimes.
Other times, I'll go home and then the time comes where I don't WANT the food in my house. I'll order out. I'll run to McDonalds. It's like I'm a zombie - I put all of the thoughts out of my head that tell me not to do it and I JUST DON'T CARE. Then of course afterwards...I feel terrible. Defeated. I've looked at options such as gastric bypass and lap band surgery. I just know though that I will be one of the unfortunate people who is stil overweight. Why? Because there are always ways to get around the things that the surgeries prevent IF YOU TRY. Why would I try? Because for some reason, there is something in my brain that wants to eat. Something is stopping me from getting to where I want to be. Something in my brain wants to stay fat. I need to fix it or NOTHING will work. I'm my own enemy.
So where do I start? I don't know. I just don't know. But I need to figure it out. I'm unhappy and unhealthy. I've been trying to get inspired here - and believe me - this is the best place to come for that! I've dabbled on the OA websites and listened in on an online meeting. I've signed up for Weight Watchers 5 times at least. Name a diet plan - I've done it. I've joined gyms. Had a personal trainer. Went to a nutritionist. Sometimes I lose weight. Sometimes I will stick to something for months or even a year. But when that 'thing' clicks in my brain, when I spiral out of control, I gain it ALL back and ADD SOME MORE. If I can't commit myself I can't make it work. So I need to figure it out.
So I called my Employee Assistance Program at work last and got referred to a counselor again. 8 free sessions. Went to the counselor. At the end of the session I was told that I am an emotional eater and that food is like a drug for me - I'm a food addict. I was told to go home and for next week to bring in 3 lists. Who am I? (Because I was also told that I don't know who I am anymore and I need to focus on that). The second list is a schedule where I am going to plan what and when I'm eating and when exercising, etc etc. The third is a list of how weight hinders me (because I do allow it to hinder me). I'm trying to be open minded and I am going to go through the process and see what happens. Like I told the counselor - I know WHAT to do, I just CAN'T seem to do it. I'm a little lost. If I'm a food addict, don't I need rehab? Am I expected to be mentally strong enough to break my addiction without some sort of intense therapy or something? If I'm a food addict, I've been one for most of my life. I personally have had experience with several loved ones with terrible drug and/or alcohol addictions. I know how serious it is. I know how hard it is to recover. I don't know. Just trying to figure it out!