Monday, August 15, 2011
I am apologizing in advance for this blog. I just need to write. Honestly, I wish there was a box that allowed me to make this only for me to see, but I guess I need to hear it.
I have been bottling my feelings for so long. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of the frustration. I am tired of it all. My boyfriend can be amazing, and at other times, he can be terrible. Everything in me wants to leave him and go home. I feel like I would be so much happier living with my mom. I could focus on me - healing, getting healthy, etc. However, there's that one little part of me that says "Samantha, you know you'd feel terrible if you left because then it would hurt him." Why should I care? It's not like he has cared about my feelings after some of the fights. It's not like he goes out of his way very often to make me feel good. Basically, if he feels like doing it, he'll do it. If not, then it's whatever. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just go home? Why can't I just look out for me? I'm tired of being miserable, but since I know what that feels like, it kills me to let him feel that too.
When we fight, I know it is hurting my journey to getting healthy. I eat more. I don't feel like exercising. I get even more angry. Honestly, we haven't fought much lately, but I let the little things bother me. Like I said above, I bottle up my emotions.
I'm scared of posting this because I am afraid of what you guys will think. However, I have no one to talk to. My best friend is too busy. I just feel alone.
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
My awesomeness of today:
*I ate within my calorie, protein, sodium, and fat ranges.
*I have 282 calories left.
*I went to the gym.
*I did some mean strength training today!
*I RAN FOR 32 MINUTES STRAIGHT which is probably about 2.3 miles!!!!!
I am feeling good about today. While I was at work, I wasn't feeling super, so I wasn't sure if I was going to go to the gym. I got on SparkPeople, and I became motivated. After a hard strength training, I didn't want to jump on the treadmill, but I did, and I reached awesomeness. I mean if I would not have pushed myself, I would have never had this awesome of a day.
Hope everyone else had a super day too! Push yourself. Afterwards, you will be glad you did! :)
Friday, August 05, 2011
I had planned to go to the gym this morning at 5am to run before my Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi class at 6am. I hit the snooze button (boo!), but I made it to the gym at 5:30am. I wasn't really feeling it until I put the ear plugs in and started jamming to some awesome music. "30 minutes. That's it." I thought. So I start walking. I keep increasing the pace until I start running. So, I told myself "five minutes then walk". Forget that! I just ran 25 minutes which is almost TWO MILES! Me?! The girl who could barely run the mile in 15 minutes in high school! I had only been working on my running for about two weeks now, and I was able to run for almost two miles in 25 minutes! I can't even believe it. I just kept going. I don't know how. Maybe because I wanted it. :)
I feel like I could have ran more, but the class started at 6am. I didn't want to miss my FAVORITE class of the week. Haha. I'm still so very proud of what my body has managed to do. It's a beautiful thing, and honestly, even if I don't lose the weight I want, I'm going to continue this thing called running just because it's that awesome! :)
As for weight, I only lost .2 lbs. (Boo) BUT WHO FREAKING CARES?!?! I JUST RAN FOR 25 AWESOMELY AMAZING MINUTES!!!!!!!!
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