Thursday, September 05, 2013
I can't believe that it's been a month since I've blogged on here. The previous blog was about August goals; truth be told, I did not stay dedicated to them. In fact, I haven't had any motivation to be healthy because of this nagging feeling of regret and failure regarding my foot injury and weight gain. No matter how hard I try to forgive myself, I can't. I was *so* close to my goal I could taste it. Because of this, I chose to take a hiatus from Spark People. In reality, I've allowed myself to just be which was refreshing.
During that period, I ran about once every two weeks. (Mind you, I have two races coming up.)
Last weekend, BJ and I headed to Columbia to watch the South Carolina-North Carolina football game -- the first of the season. Even though I was still in my workout funk, I decided to pack workout clothes just in case. I'm so very glad I did.
On Thursday morning, I set out for a run around Columbia. I always love running here because I get to see Carolina Stadium which is an inspiration because of players dedication and hard work. Anyways, I ran over two miles, and it was one of the best runs I have had. I ended that run feeling on top of the world.
Since that run, I have kept up with fitness - Zumba, walks, runs, Yoga, etc. I realized how much I missed it. In fact, I even made goals for myself - I want to run a 10K by my birthday (April 2014) and I want to run a half marathon either by October 2014 (if possible) or February 2015. I feel not only motivated but determined.
As for eating, I refuse to stress about it. I'm going to do the best I can. Some days, I will eat great. Other days, I might have a big meal or eat fast food. I'm learning that I am not perfect, and there's no such thing as a perfect situation. Life will get busy. So, I'll celebrate the victories even if they are small; I will learn lessons from meals I don't feel too good about.
Lastly, I'm letting go of the scale because of the harm it can do. For example, I weighed myself the other day, and I had gained a pound. I almost quit. But then I took a step back and realized that the number doesn't define who I am. I have a wonderful body that's meant to run and be amazing. Don't get me wrong -- this way of thinking isn't easy. It's a constant struggle for me after years of self-hatred; however it's worth it because of the freedom it provides -- the freedom to enjoy the life I have been given.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
As I mentioned in the previous post, I have been pretty busy lately with job interviews. It seems like I am getting a call every day! Woo hoo!
Since my last blog post, I haven't really been the healthiest, so when I read the article about the Back On Track challenge, I decided it was a good time to try again.
I weighed myself this morning, and I was at 159.8 lbs. Truth be told, it was disheartening, but all I can do is try again.
Here are my goals for this month:
1. Avoid binges.
2. Cut out soda.
3. Get between 7-7.5 hours of sleep.
4. Run 3 times a week.
That's it! These are small, manageable goals that I can do to get me back on track. Next month, I hope to add a couple more on top of these. I decided not to focus on weight, but hopefully, I will lose a little over the next month. I'll be happy with any type of loss.
Here we goooooo!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Happy Thursday, Spark Friends!
Sorry I have been MIA lately, but there's been A LOT going on.
Since my last blog, I've been really battling with my emotions and food cravings. I've been trying to find a new job as I am not happy (although I am grateful) with my current job now. I have been searching for over a month now, and I have not heard anything back. In addition, finances, relationships, and my injured foot have all led to a bout of depression. Because of it, I allowed myself to venture off of the healthy journey that I was on. Now, I'm back to the 160s the last time I looked at the scale which means I regained 20 pounds of the 30 I had lost which does not help at all.
Last weekend, I went to Atlanta to visit family as well as participate in the Color Me Rad 5K. BJ and I had a blast! That was his first 5K race, and now, he has 5K fever! Haha. So, we are signed up for two others in the fall, and we are looking at one or two more.
Really, the Atlanta trip (especially the 5K) really turned things around for me. I am in the beginning stages of getting back on my healthy journey. However, I am choosing to look at it as just that -- a healthy journey. While weight loss is great, I am trying to focus on other aspects of this process -- healthy eating, exercise, sleep, and how they make me feel. I am hoping that this will make it more permanent. Nonetheless, I am excited to restart this journey!
Also, I am excited to say that I have three interviews for jobs this week and next week! I interviewed with a bank on Tuesday, and they really liked me. I will not hear from them for another week or so as they had other people who interviewed at the same time. Today, I have a test with an insurance company! Lastly, sometime next week, I have an interview with a tax firm. I am so excited about all the possible changes coming up in my life!
In addition, I have kind of been taking a break from Spark. Truthfully, I felt like a hypocrite by giving advice about health when I was not taking it myself. Plus, I did not feel cheery when I was depressed. I didnít think it was fair to all of you. Anyways, I am hoping to gradually get back to Spark soon. I do miss you all!
Whatís going on in your life?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
This post is going to be a bit personal. It's going to highlight the not-so-wonderful aspects of who I am as a person. It's a tough post to write, but it's time I come clean with myself. I'm hoping writing it out as well as hearing support and suggestions will help me. Here goes:
I have a lot of self-hatred; I feel like I'm worthless. Feeling this way breeds lack of confidence about who I am and how I look. I let others opinions about me matter. All of this has been holding me back from a lot -- finding a new job as well as having healthy relationships with my boyfriend and myself.
For two years, I have worked as a administrative assistant. Every day, I have hated it. Being in the construction industry, there's not a lot of work which leaves me bored out of my mind for 40 hours each week. What's sad is that I'm a hard worker, I have a BA in History with a certificate in Art History, and I'd be a value to any company. The problem? I don't believe in myself and no company is ever going to hire a person like that.
I have been with BJ for almost five years. We've been through SO much -- lots of ups and downs. Even though he'd never, I've accused him of cheating on me. The problem? I have no self confidence. I don't believe I am beautiful or good enough for anyone to ever want to be with me for the rest of my life. It's sad that I am allowing these thoughts to ruin a wonderful relationship. He wants ME! He loves ME! After a huge fight last night, this is what he said: "I would never and will never cheat on you. You are my everything. I have loved you at your biggest and at your smallest. I will always love you." Once he said this, I realized the problem isn't him -- it's me.
I don't know where these feelings stem from. It might have started when my Dad left us at an early age. He cheated on my Mom with the woman who is now my Step Mom. It was a tough battle to get through; I've realized that I'm not fully past it now as sometimes, I'm afraid BJ will turn out like my Dad. Maybe some of these thoughts come from nights I heard my Mom cry. Maybe she wasn't good enough or beautiful enough for him? Maybe our little family wasn't what he wanted? Even though my father still wanted to see my brother and I, it was still difficult on us as kids. Another possibility might be from middle/high school. I wasn't a part of the popular crowd. In fact, sometimes I was teased by them for my tummy (a little pudge as I would bloat after eating) and my clothes (single mom can't afford the pricey brands). In addition to the popular crowd, my friends weren't different. We'd talk about other girls -- their hair, their clothes, and their weight. It was a vicious cycle. But these are just excuses. I've allowed myself to continue with this mindset.
Sitting here typing this now, I've realized another problem -- I'm turning to food for comfort because of how I feel about myself. Every day this week, I have binged on chips and snacks after work. Those binges have only given temporary comfort (and stomach aches). So, it's time to try something new -- loving me for who I am right now.
I don't really know where to begin on this new journey, but for now, my first step is acceptance of where I am now.
Have you ever dealt with self-hatred? How have you begun to love yourself?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I'm a walking girl again! Soon, I'll be running!
My sister-in-law, a chiropractor, suggested I go see my chiropractor since it seemed like my foot was getting worse. Yesterday, I headed to his office to see if there was anything he could do, and to my surprise, he had me walking out the door!
Basically, when the dresser drawer fell on my foot, it knocked it out of alignment. With some tugging, he adjusted it to where it was supposed to be. He knew it was this because I've actually been having a LOT of ankle pain and swelling. Since he did all that tugging, he knew it was not fractured or else, I would have been screaming! Yay for no fracture!
However, I do have Plantar Fasciitis (PF) because of the boot. It had gotten so bad that it hurt to walk. He adjusted that too, and it felt 95% better. Like I said, I walked right out of that office.
I went home an soaked it in warm Epsom salt water and immediately iced it afterwards as he suggested. This morning, it's a bit stiff and sore where the PF is/was. Also, it's a little painful on the top. However, I think with the Epsom salt soak and the ice regiment, it'll heal in a few days, but I will speak with him more about it tomorrow as I have another appointment. Hopefully, I will be running (walk/runs) in a couple of weeks. I'm going to start walking more when I get the permission.
So, my foot progress is my four steps forward. My two steps back? I think I might have a touch of a stomach virus or food poisoning. During the night, I woke up to a bad stomach ache. I felt like I was going to be sick. I'm feeling a little better this morning, but there's still an uneasy feeling there. With lots of water and healthy foods, hopefully, I will be feeling better soon.
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