CHANGINGSAM   22,479
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CHANGINGSAM's Recent Blog Entries

#139 - Determination, not Motivation.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

I can't believe that it's been a month since I've blogged on here. The previous blog was about August goals; truth be told, I did not stay dedicated to them. In fact, I haven't had any motivation to be healthy because of this nagging feeling of regret and failure regarding my foot injury and weight gain. No matter how hard I try to forgive myself, I can't. I was *so* close to my goal I could taste it. Because of this, I chose to take a hiatus from Spark People. In reality, I've allowed myself to just be which was refreshing.

During that period, I ran about once every two weeks. (Mind you, I have two races coming up.)

Last weekend, BJ and I headed to Columbia to watch the South Carolina-North Carolina football game -- the first of the season. Even though I was still in my workout funk, I decided to pack workout clothes just in case. I'm so very glad I did.

On Thursday morning, I set out for a run around Columbia. I always love running here because I get to see Carolina Stadium which is an inspiration because of players dedication and hard work. Anyways, I ran over two miles, and it was one of the best runs I have had. I ended that run feeling on top of the world.



Since that run, I have kept up with fitness - Zumba, walks, runs, Yoga, etc. I realized how much I missed it. In fact, I even made goals for myself - I want to run a 10K by my birthday (April 2014) and I want to run a half marathon either by October 2014 (if possible) or February 2015. I feel not only motivated but determined.

As for eating, I refuse to stress about it. I'm going to do the best I can. Some days, I will eat great. Other days, I might have a big meal or eat fast food. I'm learning that I am not perfect, and there's no such thing as a perfect situation. Life will get busy. So, I'll celebrate the victories even if they are small; I will learn lessons from meals I don't feel too good about.

Lastly, I'm letting go of the scale because of the harm it can do. For example, I weighed myself the other day, and I had gained a pound. I almost quit. But then I took a step back and realized that the number doesn't define who I am. I have a wonderful body that's meant to run and be amazing. Don't get me wrong -- this way of thinking isn't easy. It's a constant struggle for me after years of self-hatred; however it's worth it because of the freedom it provides -- the freedom to enjoy the life I have been given.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DORENC 9/11/2013 11:10AM

    Hi Sam. I am glad that you are back with the program. Going to try and get back with the program myself. Right now I am trying to set my goals and plan to put forth as much effort as needed. Hopefully we can stay on track and succeed. Have a great day!
~Carrie


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LESLIES537 9/6/2013 5:01PM

    Great blog! You are an inspiration to me and I thank you for that! Keep up the great work! emoticon

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C8TSON 9/6/2013 3:31PM

    Sam, so glad you are back here. I was concerned when I saw your page offline, but then I realized it was probably a much needed break. I think that's a good thing sometimes...to just take a break from all of it. I think it is so important that you have had this realization. We are not perfect, and no matter how much we plan ahead, life still happens. Just when you think you are going to cook yourself a nice healthy meal and go exercise after dinner, an old friend will call and ask you to meet for a dinner out. Or, just when you think you will definitely roll out of bed and go for a spin class, you never planned for the fact that you wouldn't be able to sleep the entire night and be completely exhausted by the time 5:00 rolls around. It's impossible to know what will happen each day, and it's so much better to cut yourself some slack and be prepared for anything. It's good to have goals, but it's not good if you beat yourself up for not attaining or achieving those goals. There is a great balance in between and I think you are getting there! emoticon Have a wonderful weekend! emoticon

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MEGAN6277 9/5/2013 8:24PM

    Hey chicky! I wish you the best of luck on your race! You're doing something I can't even think about doing at all because of my knee. I can't run any more because when I do feels like the front of my bone is hitting the back of my screws and it hurts. Not sure what to do about it except not run. Everybody has their bad times. Don't focus on them, just keep looking forward to each day doing the very best you can. Knowing you've done your best is all anyone can ask for! My dad always told me that one and I tell my boys the same thing. It eases their minds about always having to be better then everybody else. It let's them be themselves and eases things greatly. Wishing you a good night and luck with everything kiddo! Don't beat yourself up either. You're worth more then that...take each day as it comes and do your best! emoticon emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 9/5/2013 3:34PM

    the scale can be our worst enemy. It's good to see you. :)

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CHODGES83 9/5/2013 2:00PM

    So glad to "hear" from you! I think we get too focused on the scale and forget it is not an indicator of self value. I don't think we should let it get in the way of living our lives. I've been going thru the motions all month. I do feel better when I workout. I like challenging myself. I feel better when I eat foods that are good for me, but I also like to have ice cream and gummy bears with my daughter on her birthday. So we've got to find balance. Easier said than done, but well worth it in the end.

Great job on the run! It feels good to get our bodies movin!

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/5/2013 12:34PM

    I am SO happy you are back Sam. I missed hearing from you! If you ever leave again shoot me a Sparkmail with your e-mail address. I think you are beginning to find balance. Have you looked into Intuitive Eating? If not, I suggest you check it out. I am happy your exercise is making you feel good. I am so proud of you for kicking the scale out of your life, the number means nothing. It's how we feel. Keep at it!
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#138 - August Goals. #BackOnTrack

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Hi Sparkfriends!

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have been pretty busy lately with job interviews. It seems like I am getting a call every day! Woo hoo!

Since my last blog post, I haven't really been the healthiest, so when I read the article about the Back On Track challenge, I decided it was a good time to try again.

I weighed myself this morning, and I was at 159.8 lbs. Truth be told, it was disheartening, but all I can do is try again.

Here are my goals for this month:

1. Avoid binges.

2. Cut out soda.

3. Get between 7-7.5 hours of sleep.

4. Run 3 times a week.

That's it! These are small, manageable goals that I can do to get me back on track. Next month, I hope to add a couple more on top of these. I decided not to focus on weight, but hopefully, I will lose a little over the next month. I'll be happy with any type of loss.

Here we goooooo!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIPPICHICK1 8/15/2013 9:52PM

    Thanks I needed to read that. Small attainable goals. Must remember. Why is it soooo hard?!
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G.I.JANE 8/7/2013 10:32AM

    Getting ready to head back into the workforce myself. Good luck & congrats! Best wishes! emoticon

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LIL_EZZY 8/4/2013 8:42AM

    good goals to have.

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MELLYBEANS0919 8/2/2013 3:33PM

    Those are really good goals! Great with the interviews, hope you get a great job! Miss you!

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DJSQUISHIE 8/2/2013 2:07PM

    Sounds like good goals to me! You can do it!

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WINNIE1978 8/1/2013 2:42PM

    I'm on a restart too! emoticon

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MEGAN6277 8/1/2013 1:24PM

    Hey chicky! I'm happy to have my friend back! Wishing you the best of luck with things! Ill join it with you!!

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STEVEN_D 8/1/2013 11:33AM

    Binges and soda. That's a tough one, but not impossible? Good. And running is such a limited option for me. So good for you. Hope the job situation comes around and your day can become a little predictable. Keep up the good work.

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CHODGES83 8/1/2013 11:18AM

    Great Goals! Gotta start somewhere!

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SPICEMWE 8/1/2013 11:09AM

    Those are fantastic goals. Glad to see you back on here and best of luck with the job hunt!

#backontrack

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PAPER_WINGS18 8/1/2013 11:06AM

    Good to see ya back here. Your goals are simple and realistic and totally doable. :)

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POOKASLUAGH 8/1/2013 10:59AM

    I've just come back too. It's good to see you. :)

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#137 - MIA.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Happy Thursday, Spark Friends!

Sorry I have been MIA lately, but there's been A LOT going on.

Since my last blog, I've been really battling with my emotions and food cravings. I've been trying to find a new job as I am not happy (although I am grateful) with my current job now. I have been searching for over a month now, and I have not heard anything back. In addition, finances, relationships, and my injured foot have all led to a bout of depression. Because of it, I allowed myself to venture off of the healthy journey that I was on. Now, I'm back to the 160s the last time I looked at the scale which means I regained 20 pounds of the 30 I had lost which does not help at all.

Last weekend, I went to Atlanta to visit family as well as participate in the Color Me Rad 5K. BJ and I had a blast! That was his first 5K race, and now, he has 5K fever! Haha. So, we are signed up for two others in the fall, and we are looking at one or two more. emoticon

Really, the Atlanta trip (especially the 5K) really turned things around for me. I am in the beginning stages of getting back on my healthy journey. However, I am choosing to look at it as just that -- a healthy journey. While weight loss is great, I am trying to focus on other aspects of this process -- healthy eating, exercise, sleep, and how they make me feel. I am hoping that this will make it more permanent. Nonetheless, I am excited to restart this journey!

Also, I am excited to say that I have three interviews for jobs this week and next week! I interviewed with a bank on Tuesday, and they really liked me. I will not hear from them for another week or so as they had other people who interviewed at the same time. Today, I have a test with an insurance company! Lastly, sometime next week, I have an interview with a tax firm. I am so excited about all the possible changes coming up in my life!

In addition, I have kind of been taking a break from Spark. Truthfully, I felt like a hypocrite by giving advice about health when I was not taking it myself. Plus, I did not feel cheery when I was depressed. I didnít think it was fair to all of you. Anyways, I am hoping to gradually get back to Spark soon. I do miss you all!

emoticon Whatís going on in your life? emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIPPICHICK1 7/26/2013 12:48PM

    Things sound pretty normal for you - lots of ups and downs which is what life is, wouldn't you say?
My life has been much the same with many ups and downs. I've had a lot of car trouble lately and last Friday the power went out for 4.5 days, but nothing that has driven me to eat madly or stop exercising. True I have had more rest days than usual this week, but this week has been anything but "usual!"

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SPICEMWE 7/18/2013 1:07PM

    I've been in the same mood. I'm finally back and getting back into the swing of things. Glad to hear that it seems like you're ready to get there too.

*hugs*

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CHODGES83 7/18/2013 10:54AM

    It's impossible to feel bad at a Color Me Rad event! Glad you two participated and have the 5k fever. It's good to have things to look forward to, especially together.

Stay focused, positive, and keep looking forward to new opportunities!

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C8TSON 7/18/2013 10:45AM

    I'm so glad you posted this, as I have been wondering about you. I'm very glad to hear that you are excited about getting back on track. Don't beat yourself up for the fallout, as we have all been there. Just pick it back up and start again. Look at it this way, you already know the habits that work, so you just have to break away from negative habits and trade them in for the good ones! As for your words of encouragement to others here, I personally don't see you as a hypocrite, but rather a great encouraging friend to others. Hope to see you on spark again soon! I'm on here everyday, but hardly doing much with it just due to time constraints. Plus, the closer I get to delivery, the less energy I have to be an avid sparker! I'm ready to reclaim it though just as soon as this little baby is born! emoticon emoticon

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FITNAPTURAL 7/18/2013 10:44AM

    I'm so glad you're back and things are turning around for you! I'm sure you'll find something new in no time. I definitely agree with remembering that this is a journey. If you're always in diet/weightloss mentality then what will you do when you finally hit your goal?? It's about a healthy lifestyle. Obviously life gets in the way but it's supposed to! emoticon emoticon

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#136 - Learning to Love Me.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

This post is going to be a bit personal. It's going to highlight the not-so-wonderful aspects of who I am as a person. It's a tough post to write, but it's time I come clean with myself. I'm hoping writing it out as well as hearing support and suggestions will help me. Here goes:

I have a lot of self-hatred; I feel like I'm worthless. Feeling this way breeds lack of confidence about who I am and how I look. I let others opinions about me matter. All of this has been holding me back from a lot -- finding a new job as well as having healthy relationships with my boyfriend and myself.

For two years, I have worked as a administrative assistant. Every day, I have hated it. Being in the construction industry, there's not a lot of work which leaves me bored out of my mind for 40 hours each week. What's sad is that I'm a hard worker, I have a BA in History with a certificate in Art History, and I'd be a value to any company. The problem? I don't believe in myself and no company is ever going to hire a person like that.

I have been with BJ for almost five years. We've been through SO much -- lots of ups and downs. Even though he'd never, I've accused him of cheating on me. The problem? I have no self confidence. I don't believe I am beautiful or good enough for anyone to ever want to be with me for the rest of my life. It's sad that I am allowing these thoughts to ruin a wonderful relationship. He wants ME! He loves ME! After a huge fight last night, this is what he said: "I would never and will never cheat on you. You are my everything. I have loved you at your biggest and at your smallest. I will always love you." Once he said this, I realized the problem isn't him -- it's me.

I don't know where these feelings stem from. It might have started when my Dad left us at an early age. He cheated on my Mom with the woman who is now my Step Mom. It was a tough battle to get through; I've realized that I'm not fully past it now as sometimes, I'm afraid BJ will turn out like my Dad. Maybe some of these thoughts come from nights I heard my Mom cry. Maybe she wasn't good enough or beautiful enough for him? Maybe our little family wasn't what he wanted? Even though my father still wanted to see my brother and I, it was still difficult on us as kids. Another possibility might be from middle/high school. I wasn't a part of the popular crowd. In fact, sometimes I was teased by them for my tummy (a little pudge as I would bloat after eating) and my clothes (single mom can't afford the pricey brands). In addition to the popular crowd, my friends weren't different. We'd talk about other girls -- their hair, their clothes, and their weight. It was a vicious cycle. But these are just excuses. I've allowed myself to continue with this mindset.

Sitting here typing this now, I've realized another problem -- I'm turning to food for comfort because of how I feel about myself. Every day this week, I have binged on chips and snacks after work. Those binges have only given temporary comfort (and stomach aches). So, it's time to try something new -- loving me for who I am right now.

I don't really know where to begin on this new journey, but for now, my first step is acceptance of where I am now.


emoticon Have you ever dealt with self-hatred? How have you begun to love yourself? emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NURSENIKKI6 6/24/2013 10:59AM

    I can remember (may even do this every now and again as well) when I'd look in the mirror I'd suck in my gut and think, "wow, I look pretty good... I don't need to work out" but then any time I'd see a picture taken or catch my reflection in a window when I didn't think to "suck it in" I'd become upset and the image of my belly hanging out for all to see and I'd feel disgusted with myself.

It wasn't until I read an article on SparkPeople that encouraged self awareness and acceptance that I took it upon myself to fully look at myself in the mirror gut and all, from all angles and just touch it, grab the fat, jiggle the arm and take complete inventory of what I was working with. I made the decision to accept myself at its worst, and love it... because I couldn't shame the fat away and hiding it from myself in private certainly couldn't hide my faults to the world in public.

Once I decided that I loved my body, faults and all, I found it a lot easier to jump start a healthy lifestyle and slowly worked towards my first 25lb loss (to which I have been maintaining!) Now I am gearing up to lose another 15lbs : ) But only because I love myself and I want my body to finally be in a healthy BMI range.... cuz I'm worth it, and so are you!!!! Good luck girl!

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KEELIE21 6/20/2013 2:43PM

    I have dealt with feelings like these in the past, and still do to a degree. Feelings of being a failure, or being unworthy. While my family is loving and intact, I am the black sheep for sure. Also amongst my friends I seem to be the least successful and that ate at me for a long time. When I'm feeling that way about myself, my job, my looks, my weight I try to remember this sentence:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Buckets of truth there. I know it doesn't solve your problems but it's a good start. You are a kind, supportive, BRAVE woman. We are here for you and it doesn't sound like BJ is going anywhere either ;-)

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HIPPICHICK1 6/17/2013 1:44PM

    I've not dealt with self-hatred but I have dealt with feelings of inadequacy in my work and in my relationships with men and also with friends.
How I've dealt with it? Badly and not for many, many years until I became tired of hearing myself bringing up the water under the bridge if only to make my point - that somehow some injustice has been done to me and someone has to make it right.
The only person who keeps me in that loop of thinking is me. The only person who can make it right is me. I've figured it out by living and by hearing the wisdom of others. I also listen to Dharma talks at zencast.org. They are talks about the practise of Buddhism which is a way of life and a philosophy rather than a religion. Buddhists approach life by living in the present by being mindful. Living in the past, where we often put ourselves through the emotional experiences that are negative, reliving them time and again, causes pain or suffering. Living in the future can cause us anxiety as we imagine what may come to pass. Living in the present and enjoying each moment (sounds so corny, but it's true) as it comes is the best way to live. But its a practise to live that way. You have to become more aware of where your mind is leading you emotionally and then you can stop and say, "Well that's interesting. Why am I thinking about *that*? What is the root cause of that emotion?" And instead of going through the suffering of negative things in your past, you can analyze it, know where it comes from and then say, "I don't need to do that to myself anymore." It frees you up to move on.
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LIL_EZZY 6/16/2013 5:17PM

    You need to start a bank. A bank where you make deposits. The bank is you and every time you deposit a good or positive thought or feeling about yourself or something you have done it makes your self esteem rise and every time you withdraw is when you are making bad comments about yourself or things you have done. You are always going to have emotions and emotions are like the ocean they rise and fall and you can ride them out they will peter out eventually so don't give in to them just think Im allowed to feel, happy, sad, angry etc but don't reach for the food as the wave will go.... You are a beautiful girl who needs to start depositing into your account. I bet you are a wonderful friend and girlfriend, you work hard, you are smart and Im sure the list goes on and on. Make yourself rich.

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PAPER_WINGS18 6/16/2013 11:06AM

    I'm so sorry Sam. I am proud of you for blogging out your feelings though. It can be so therapeutic. We are all here for you. I'm sure we have all had to deal with self hatred at one point or another. But you are strong and you will get through this.

Xoxo,
Tori

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CHODGES83 6/15/2013 7:04PM

    Oh man, parents really can do a number on us. Mine divorced when I was young, 4y/o. It was ugly. Neither of my parent's remarried and neither had a healthy stable relationship after their divorce. Neither has dated in at least 10yrs (to my knowledge) and are still alone. That puts some messy ideas in a person's head about divorce and singledom and marriage and how to deal with relationship problems.
Anyway, that story isn't going anywhere, just maybe to comfort you that we all have parental crap driving our subconscious. I don't know how this will sound to you, but maybe find a professional to speak to.
Back to parental crap, my mom dealt/deals with self hatred. To me it seems she gets so much support and encouragement from friends and family, but never seems to make progress. I've felt for a long time now that if she would seek professional help, so could make positive changes.
True acceptance seems to be a v. difficult path. Good vibes and positive thoughts to you.

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KNYAGENYA 6/15/2013 1:40PM

    emoticon

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ERINOUELLETTE 6/15/2013 1:15PM

    I deal with self-hatred all the time. It's not easy to deal with but slowly I am getting over it with the help of my boyfriend and friends. You can too! Goodluck!

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#135 - Four Steps Forward, Two Steps Back.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Guess what?!



I'm a walking girl again! Soon, I'll be running! emoticon

My sister-in-law, a chiropractor, suggested I go see my chiropractor since it seemed like my foot was getting worse. Yesterday, I headed to his office to see if there was anything he could do, and to my surprise, he had me walking out the door!

Basically, when the dresser drawer fell on my foot, it knocked it out of alignment. With some tugging, he adjusted it to where it was supposed to be. He knew it was this because I've actually been having a LOT of ankle pain and swelling. Since he did all that tugging, he knew it was not fractured or else, I would have been screaming! Yay for no fracture! emoticon

However, I do have Plantar Fasciitis (PF) because of the boot. It had gotten so bad that it hurt to walk. He adjusted that too, and it felt 95% better. Like I said, I walked right out of that office.

I went home an soaked it in warm Epsom salt water and immediately iced it afterwards as he suggested. This morning, it's a bit stiff and sore where the PF is/was. Also, it's a little painful on the top. However, I think with the Epsom salt soak and the ice regiment, it'll heal in a few days, but I will speak with him more about it tomorrow as I have another appointment. Hopefully, I will be running (walk/runs) in a couple of weeks. I'm going to start walking more when I get the permission.

So, my foot progress is my four steps forward. My two steps back? I think I might have a touch of a stomach virus or food poisoning. During the night, I woke up to a bad stomach ache. I felt like I was going to be sick. I'm feeling a little better this morning, but there's still an uneasy feeling there. With lots of water and healthy foods, hopefully, I will be feeling better soon.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHODGES83 6/14/2013 12:03PM

    I should have read your blog before responding to the msg you left on my page! I didn't know you had blogged- Silly Spark alerts!

Congrats! I'm so glad you're all straightened out!

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C8TSON 6/13/2013 12:47PM

    So sorry to hear that you are feeling bad this morning, but I am so glad to hear that your foot is getting better! PF is so painful; I didn't even realize there was a cure for it! I think you are doing a fantastic job! You are definitely an inspiration! emoticon

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OLIVIANIGHT 6/13/2013 11:38AM

    So glad your foot is getting better : )

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GIANTMICROBE 6/13/2013 11:34AM

    This is why chiros are awesome. Regular doctors would just give you pain meds instead of actually FIXING THE PROBLEM.

You're gonna be feeling great in no time!!!!

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FITNAPTURAL 6/13/2013 10:08AM

    emoticon That's great! The point is that you're moving! emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 6/13/2013 10:02AM

    That is amazing! So glad you went to see the chiro!
Take care and take baby steps forward from this injury. You don't want to aggravate it.
All the best!!
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CAGMUAHFO2 6/13/2013 9:26AM

    emoticon emoticon Glad you are walking again. I hope it just keeps getting better from here. emoticon

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