Thursday, July 18, 2013
Happy Thursday, Spark Friends!
Sorry I have been MIA lately, but there's been A LOT going on.
Since my last blog, I've been really battling with my emotions and food cravings. I've been trying to find a new job as I am not happy (although I am grateful) with my current job now. I have been searching for over a month now, and I have not heard anything back. In addition, finances, relationships, and my injured foot have all led to a bout of depression. Because of it, I allowed myself to venture off of the healthy journey that I was on. Now, I'm back to the 160s the last time I looked at the scale which means I regained 20 pounds of the 30 I had lost which does not help at all.
Last weekend, I went to Atlanta to visit family as well as participate in the Color Me Rad 5K. BJ and I had a blast! That was his first 5K race, and now, he has 5K fever! Haha. So, we are signed up for two others in the fall, and we are looking at one or two more.
Really, the Atlanta trip (especially the 5K) really turned things around for me. I am in the beginning stages of getting back on my healthy journey. However, I am choosing to look at it as just that -- a healthy journey. While weight loss is great, I am trying to focus on other aspects of this process -- healthy eating, exercise, sleep, and how they make me feel. I am hoping that this will make it more permanent. Nonetheless, I am excited to restart this journey!
Also, I am excited to say that I have three interviews for jobs this week and next week! I interviewed with a bank on Tuesday, and they really liked me. I will not hear from them for another week or so as they had other people who interviewed at the same time. Today, I have a test with an insurance company! Lastly, sometime next week, I have an interview with a tax firm. I am so excited about all the possible changes coming up in my life!
In addition, I have kind of been taking a break from Spark. Truthfully, I felt like a hypocrite by giving advice about health when I was not taking it myself. Plus, I did not feel cheery when I was depressed. I didnít think it was fair to all of you. Anyways, I am hoping to gradually get back to Spark soon. I do miss you all!
Whatís going on in your life?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
This post is going to be a bit personal. It's going to highlight the not-so-wonderful aspects of who I am as a person. It's a tough post to write, but it's time I come clean with myself. I'm hoping writing it out as well as hearing support and suggestions will help me. Here goes:
I have a lot of self-hatred; I feel like I'm worthless. Feeling this way breeds lack of confidence about who I am and how I look. I let others opinions about me matter. All of this has been holding me back from a lot -- finding a new job as well as having healthy relationships with my boyfriend and myself.
For two years, I have worked as a administrative assistant. Every day, I have hated it. Being in the construction industry, there's not a lot of work which leaves me bored out of my mind for 40 hours each week. What's sad is that I'm a hard worker, I have a BA in History with a certificate in Art History, and I'd be a value to any company. The problem? I don't believe in myself and no company is ever going to hire a person like that.
I have been with BJ for almost five years. We've been through SO much -- lots of ups and downs. Even though he'd never, I've accused him of cheating on me. The problem? I have no self confidence. I don't believe I am beautiful or good enough for anyone to ever want to be with me for the rest of my life. It's sad that I am allowing these thoughts to ruin a wonderful relationship. He wants ME! He loves ME! After a huge fight last night, this is what he said: "I would never and will never cheat on you. You are my everything. I have loved you at your biggest and at your smallest. I will always love you." Once he said this, I realized the problem isn't him -- it's me.
I don't know where these feelings stem from. It might have started when my Dad left us at an early age. He cheated on my Mom with the woman who is now my Step Mom. It was a tough battle to get through; I've realized that I'm not fully past it now as sometimes, I'm afraid BJ will turn out like my Dad. Maybe some of these thoughts come from nights I heard my Mom cry. Maybe she wasn't good enough or beautiful enough for him? Maybe our little family wasn't what he wanted? Even though my father still wanted to see my brother and I, it was still difficult on us as kids. Another possibility might be from middle/high school. I wasn't a part of the popular crowd. In fact, sometimes I was teased by them for my tummy (a little pudge as I would bloat after eating) and my clothes (single mom can't afford the pricey brands). In addition to the popular crowd, my friends weren't different. We'd talk about other girls -- their hair, their clothes, and their weight. It was a vicious cycle. But these are just excuses. I've allowed myself to continue with this mindset.
Sitting here typing this now, I've realized another problem -- I'm turning to food for comfort because of how I feel about myself. Every day this week, I have binged on chips and snacks after work. Those binges have only given temporary comfort (and stomach aches). So, it's time to try something new -- loving me for who I am right now.
I don't really know where to begin on this new journey, but for now, my first step is acceptance of where I am now.
Have you ever dealt with self-hatred? How have you begun to love yourself?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I'm a walking girl again! Soon, I'll be running!
My sister-in-law, a chiropractor, suggested I go see my chiropractor since it seemed like my foot was getting worse. Yesterday, I headed to his office to see if there was anything he could do, and to my surprise, he had me walking out the door!
Basically, when the dresser drawer fell on my foot, it knocked it out of alignment. With some tugging, he adjusted it to where it was supposed to be. He knew it was this because I've actually been having a LOT of ankle pain and swelling. Since he did all that tugging, he knew it was not fractured or else, I would have been screaming! Yay for no fracture!
However, I do have Plantar Fasciitis (PF) because of the boot. It had gotten so bad that it hurt to walk. He adjusted that too, and it felt 95% better. Like I said, I walked right out of that office.
I went home an soaked it in warm Epsom salt water and immediately iced it afterwards as he suggested. This morning, it's a bit stiff and sore where the PF is/was. Also, it's a little painful on the top. However, I think with the Epsom salt soak and the ice regiment, it'll heal in a few days, but I will speak with him more about it tomorrow as I have another appointment. Hopefully, I will be running (walk/runs) in a couple of weeks. I'm going to start walking more when I get the permission.
So, my foot progress is my four steps forward. My two steps back? I think I might have a touch of a stomach virus or food poisoning. During the night, I woke up to a bad stomach ache. I felt like I was going to be sick. I'm feeling a little better this morning, but there's still an uneasy feeling there. With lots of water and healthy foods, hopefully, I will be feeling better soon.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Yesterday was a pretty good day for me in regards to my mini-challenge. In fact, I'm kind of enjoying it a bit. However, it been tough when it comes to guilt and coming to terms with some food. I'll explain more in a minute.
Pictured is a Luna peppermint stick and a Oikos strawberry Greek yogurt. This is probably one of my favorite breakfasts because it's so easy and fairly healthy. Plus, there's no cooking involved!
My apple was bad so I really only had almonds.
I made this soup in the crockpot Tuesday night. It has water, chicken broth, shredded chicken, Lima beans, carrots, squash, zucchini, and onion. It came out pretty good! I put some Cajun seasoning in it to make it spicy too! Like my snack, I barely got to eat any of the apple since it, too, had gone bad.
Pepper, hummus, and black beans with Cajun seasoning. This was a tasty snack!
I forgot to snap a picture for a good reason -- my Mom met my boyfriend last night! It's a long, complicated story, but I'm just so happy that it finally happened. Anyways, the three of us went to a Mexican restaurant. I was still a little full from my snack, so I ended up eating about half of my fajita nachos with a few chips and salsa. Instead of water, I had a pink lemonade.
Circling back to the introduction, I'm having some trouble this morning letting go of the guilt and making peace with my body after last night's dinner. In reality though, I shouldn't because I left the restaurant satisfied, not overly stuffed like I usually do. This means I need to spend a little more time in the mirror this morning telling myself it's ok and that I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made thus far. I'm determined to let go of this guilt. Food won't have power over me anymore.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Lately, I've been going through a lot -- trying to find a new job, healing my foot injury, worrying about the upcoming races, etc. These things have produced lots of emotions which have led to plenty of binges. These last few weeks have been tough, and I had decided to quit my journey of finding health and a lower weight.
I've realized, though, that quitting my journey wasn't going to help me at all. In fact, it only added more problems -- how I felt about myself and how I felt physically. I've been bloated and puffy for the past month now which has made me hate my body more. Because of this hatred, I've been sticking to clothes that do not show my stomach. In addition, I haven't been feeling well. I've been fatigued, irritated, bloated, dehydrated, etc. The last few weeks haven't been great.
I'm friends with Fit Mama Training on Facebook; I've been silently reading her blogs and statuses that are filled with talk about her journey to health. While her journey is far different than mine (she did it for her daughter), there are many things that I can apply to my life. For example, she talks about putting away the scale and connecting with your body through food and exercise. One of her biggest things is listening to your body and taking account of how you feel about you eat and exercise. Here's an excerpt:
"What do you think would happen if you stopped focusing on what's wrong with your body, what the "right" exercises are and what's "bad" to eat? And instead focused on what's good about your body and what makes your body feel good physically (exercise and food wise)? Do you really think letting go of all the rules and self criticism would result in some terrifying end result for your body? Because I happen to think without all the rules and negativity you might find yourself MORE fit, MORE active and eating healthier because it made you feel amazing. And because you'd know you deserve to feel amazing." -- Fit Mama Training, Facebook
Since all of my attempts have focused on weight loss instead of how my body feels, I've decided to go about my journey a different way. Instead of hating my body, I'm choosing to make peace with it in the mirror every day. I'm choosing to be grateful for this body and what it can do. When it comes to food, I'm choosing to listen to my body and eat things that make me feel good. I'm also deciding to take it one meal at a time. One meal at a time, though, doesn't mean perfection. There will be times that french fries sound better than quinoa; that's ok.
I've challenged myself to two weeks of making peace and listening to my body. I'm striving to get rid of the negative self talk because my body doesn't deserve it. Hatred has not been working for me in the past, so now, it's time to love.
Food Diary -- I may or may not do this every day, but since I'm not tracking, this will be a good way to keep tabs on what I've eaten. Again, it's not about "good" and "bad"; for me, it's about awareness.
Breakfast -- Although I don't have a picture, I had donut holes and a Pepsi.
Snack -- Same as breakfast.
I got a grilled chicken salad and a fruit bowl from Chick-fil-a. This was my first time trying blueberries, and I actually like them.
I listened to my body yesterday. After eating the cucumbers and hummus, I still felt hungry, so I sliced up a green pepper. Upon finishing the green pepper and hummus, I realized how much I love that snack. It's so good.
BJ got home late, so we did something quick -- chicken salads. Mine had lots of stuff to it -- lettuce, tomatoes, onion, yellow pepper, chickpeas, chicken, a few bacon bits, a little cheese, and dressing. It was delicious!
Water -- 6 cups.
Sorry this blog is a bit long.
Get An Email Alert Each Time CHANGINGSAM Posts