Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I can't believe it already the middle of November! I also can't believe that it's been well over a month since I have been on here. There are two reasons for that, so let's get into them.
I posted a status over a month ago about starting a new job. I work for BlueCross BlueShield, and I absolutely love it! There are so many opportunities not only to keep me busy during work (my old job never had anything for me to do) but also health-wise. They encourage us to get moving and eat healthy. I love it!
While I am loving the opportunities, I can't seem to get motivated to get back on track. After lots of thinking, I believe I have come up with why it's difficult to get back on track: I am angry that I failed. I was so close to where I had wanted to be, and I lost it. I gained back almost all of the weight, and I lost all the confidence I had. I'll be honest, after all that, I don't believe in myself anymore. I know that attitude isn't going to help me get back on track, but really, I don't know how to shift my thinking.
You would think that since I can't button up my work pants that it would encourage me (embarrassingly, I walk around work with my pants unbuttoned because I can't fit into them; I find ways to cover it up though) but it doesn't. I'm lost. I've looked through my old blogs on here, and I can't seem to find a spark. In fact, it blows my mind that I somehow got down to 140 lbs.
I'm hurting, friends. I'm not typing this as a pity party, but I'm spilling out my heart here asking for your help. If you have been where I am now, please, tell me how you got out of it. I'm all ears.
**I've really shared some intimate details here; ones that my boyfriend (the closest person to me) doesn't even know. Please be kind when responding. Thank you.**
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I feel... like I am slowly learning who I am and who I want to become even though I have a long road of healing, forgiving, and patience ahead of me.
I wish... that I could live closer to every member of my family. I miss them so much.
I need... to learn how to choose my battles because sometimes, it isn't worth it to lose someone you love.
I am worthy... of love not only from others but from myself as well.
I am thankful for... everything that I am blessed with even when I don't deserve it. There are so many people that go without every day.
I would like to... leave this world a better place than I found it.
I dream about... a day when I am in absolute peace with my body.
I enjoy... the moments after a good, hard run. I love feeling accomplished.
I listen... to others when they need me because it's essential for every person to know that they are important, that they are loved.
I appreciate... my parents more and more as the days goes on -- how intelligent, loving, and forgiving they are. I need to be more like them.
I know... that it will take patience and dedication to reach every goal I have set for myself. (Patience is not my strength!)
I remember... what I was doing 12 years ago today. I remember not only the pain but also how we came together to support and love one another. I'm remembering the heroes, victims, and their families today.
Monday, September 09, 2013
Here's what I am learning while on this journey:
1. Progress, not perfection -- In the last post, I said that I refuse to worry about my food. I'm not going to stress myself with calorie counting; it doesn't help me at all. However, I can't help but stress *a little* when BJ and I eat out a lot. This weekend is a great example. We were pretty busy, so we ate out fair share of fast food. Even though my food choices weren't perfect, I found ways to make progress -- getting the small combo instead of the medium or large, choosing water instead of soda or alcohol, and eating until I felt full. So, I choose to celebrate the progress.
2. Dedication & commitment -- These two are essential to this lifestyle that I am seeking. So, when 7:15 AM rolled around on Saturday morning, I knew I had to get up for a run. It wasn't easy, but I have goals that are important. I was very happy that I remained committed because I got to see this amazing sight:
While enjoying this, I also enjoyed my first barefoot run on the beach! It was a great experience because it felt good when the water splashed on me while I ran.
3. Listen -- My body has ways of telling me things, and it's my job to listen. I went for a run on Thursday afternoon, and I felt so sick during it. Now, I know why:
In addition, after a busy, exhausting Saturday, I decided to go to bed at 9:30 PM because my body wanted sleep. It craved it so much so that I slept until 8 AM.
Since my feet were sore from my barefoot run, I decided to rest the remainder of Sunday instead of going for another walk. In fact, I took time to soak them in a warm Epsom salt bath and massage them afterwards. Sometimes, my body just needs a bit of pampering.
4. I will struggle -- I've been struggling with not weighing myself. There's a small part of me that wants to jump on that scale, but for what reason? To see a number for all of a second that could make or break my day, week, or month? I'm proud to say that I am fighting that urge and staying dedicated to the fact that I am more than a number.
Thursday, September 05, 2013
I can't believe that it's been a month since I've blogged on here. The previous blog was about August goals; truth be told, I did not stay dedicated to them. In fact, I haven't had any motivation to be healthy because of this nagging feeling of regret and failure regarding my foot injury and weight gain. No matter how hard I try to forgive myself, I can't. I was *so* close to my goal I could taste it. Because of this, I chose to take a hiatus from Spark People. In reality, I've allowed myself to just be which was refreshing.
During that period, I ran about once every two weeks. (Mind you, I have two races coming up.)
Last weekend, BJ and I headed to Columbia to watch the South Carolina-North Carolina football game -- the first of the season. Even though I was still in my workout funk, I decided to pack workout clothes just in case. I'm so very glad I did.
On Thursday morning, I set out for a run around Columbia. I always love running here because I get to see Carolina Stadium which is an inspiration because of players dedication and hard work. Anyways, I ran over two miles, and it was one of the best runs I have had. I ended that run feeling on top of the world.
Since that run, I have kept up with fitness - Zumba, walks, runs, Yoga, etc. I realized how much I missed it. In fact, I even made goals for myself - I want to run a 10K by my birthday (April 2014) and I want to run a half marathon either by October 2014 (if possible) or February 2015. I feel not only motivated but determined.
As for eating, I refuse to stress about it. I'm going to do the best I can. Some days, I will eat great. Other days, I might have a big meal or eat fast food. I'm learning that I am not perfect, and there's no such thing as a perfect situation. Life will get busy. So, I'll celebrate the victories even if they are small; I will learn lessons from meals I don't feel too good about.
Lastly, I'm letting go of the scale because of the harm it can do. For example, I weighed myself the other day, and I had gained a pound. I almost quit. But then I took a step back and realized that the number doesn't define who I am. I have a wonderful body that's meant to run and be amazing. Don't get me wrong -- this way of thinking isn't easy. It's a constant struggle for me after years of self-hatred; however it's worth it because of the freedom it provides -- the freedom to enjoy the life I have been given.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
As I mentioned in the previous post, I have been pretty busy lately with job interviews. It seems like I am getting a call every day! Woo hoo!
Since my last blog post, I haven't really been the healthiest, so when I read the article about the Back On Track challenge, I decided it was a good time to try again.
I weighed myself this morning, and I was at 159.8 lbs. Truth be told, it was disheartening, but all I can do is try again.
Here are my goals for this month:
1. Avoid binges.
2. Cut out soda.
3. Get between 7-7.5 hours of sleep.
4. Run 3 times a week.
That's it! These are small, manageable goals that I can do to get me back on track. Next month, I hope to add a couple more on top of these. I decided not to focus on weight, but hopefully, I will lose a little over the next month. I'll be happy with any type of loss.
Here we goooooo!
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