This one saying could be the story of my life when it comes to loosing weight.
My intentions are always good and I start out well but then I get busy and fail to plan and everything falls apart.
I am so tired of this yo yo cycle that I have been on for most of my adult life.
It's time to make a plan and stick with it.
No one is going to do it for me SO I need to take the time and do it for myself.
I am the only one holding me back!!
Today I read on a sparkfriends page that we should keep a "Journal of Gratitude" as a positive reminder of all the good things in our life. She also suggested blogging about it.
I have not written a blog in many months (actually 5) and realized that my list of things to be grateful is very long.
In no order of importance I am going to list some that immediately came to mind.
My family...I am truly blessed to have a close family. My husband is amazing and my kids are a gift. My grandson is so much fun and there are 2 more on the way! My mom is healthy and happy having found someone to share her life with and love.
I am healthy. I don't suffer from any major health issues :-)
I have a good job and get to work with my family. They get me through the hard days.
I have a house which is a home. It is filled with furry friends and my wonderful husband.
My real life friends are amazing as well as my "spark friends" .
I am going to add to this list but for now this is what came to mind.
So it seems like I have been asking myself this very question for almost 30 years.
As a teenager I always felt "too fat" while in reality I really wasn't. (5'7" 130 lbs) Often I would eat hardly eat anything all day just to see if I could drop a few pounds. Luckily my mom made great meals and I didn't really suffer for my "attempts" at weight loss.
I was 18 when I married the first time and at 20 had my first child. From then until age 28 I had 4 babies and gained and lost 50 lbs each pregnancy.
At about age 30 I struggled with getting back my "old body" from my teenage years before babies and nursing changed it.
Since then I have gained and lost 30 pounds many times.
Besides the obvious struggles of eating properly and with in calorie range and getting enough exercise I think my biggest struggle is that I honestly don't know what my body looks like. I see a picture of myself before I lost this weight (at my second wedding for example) and I see a picture now (at my son's wedding) and I know I look different BUT on a daily basis I don't see the difference of that 30 lbs.
I remember reading many years ago that it takes our mind over a year to catch up what our body actually looks like after loosing weight or gaining but sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
My wonderful hubby gets frustrated when I don't like pictures (especially ones in my bikini) that he takes. I just have a difficult time liking what I see.
I posted my bikini picture from our recent holiday as my profile picture and immediately took it down. Yesterday I reposted it to try and get over the negative feelings I have about it.
I also think that often I regain the weight because I don't really "see" the loss.
Most people blog about a year on their weight loss journey or when the calendar changes to Jan 1st they reflex on the past year. For me my world started to change about a year ago now when my mom was diagnosed again with bowel cancer. I know many peopleís cancer ďcomes backĒ but honestly after 28 years of being cancer free it was the last thing I expected when she went for her annual checkup. But that was to be the beginning of an incredibly busy/difficult year for me and my family.
Momís operation took place on December 9th 2010 and they removed the tumors and two feet of her bowel. Luckily mom is very strong and was pretty much fully recovered by mid January 2011 but while she was in the hospital I took my dad in for his bimonthly checkup and in doing this realized just how poor his health was and how quickly he was losing weight.
January and February 2010 were fairly quiet but we were preparing for my sonís wedding in June and I was planning a bridal shower for my daughter-in-law to- be in April.
March started calmly but changed mid month when my dad and mom went to visit their accountant and dad attempted too many stairs. He became very winded and had a difficulty breathing in the days that followed. Three days later he was taken to the hospital via ambulance and the most difficult time of the year began for me, my momand family. I live only 5 minutes down the road from my parentís farm and have always been the one they called and who helped them out. The next month was spent trying to work, visit the hospital, keep mom healthy and say goodbye to my dad as I knew that his days here on earth would soon be ending .
April brought about my greatest fears and at 5 am on April 13 as the sun was rising I watched dad take his last breath and I said a silent goodbye. I am forever thankful that I was there with him and my mom during his last hour on earth. The funeral was difficult and much to my surprise I wrote a tribute to dad that I read to the congregation at his funeral. Public speaking is truly not my strength but that day I spoke from my heart and after, many people commented on how moved they were by my words. Dad was a quiet man and I am glad that me sharing his life with others had a positive impact.
I did have the bridal shower two weeks later and it was beautiful and meaningful to all who attended.
May came in quietly with motherís day celebration at my momís home and everyone attending and a HUGE missing presence without dad there. But my daughter arrived to give the happy news of her engagement and upcoming marriage in October. I was shocked and somewhat stressed as my sonís wedding was in a few weeks and I really wasnít ready to think about another one.
June came and on the 4th we had a beautiful day with my son and daughter-in-law being married. The day started with showers in the morning but by the time the wedding and pictures happened the sun was shining and we all had a wonderful day. Once again I spoke in front of everyone and my words came straight from my heart. We were all still dealing with dadís death and tears came easily but now the tears were mixed with loss and happiness.
July and August were somewhat quiet emotionally but we were busy landscaping our backyard since the building of my husbandís shop the previous fall had entirely changed our hardscape.
My daughter decided near the end of July to change her wedding date to 11-11-11 and I pushed for her to get busy on plans. She did not want me to do any planning without being asked by her and she was not doing anything herself which made for a lot of unnecessary tension between us.
September I had a memorial for my dad as back in April the weather was unsuitable for his burial (he was cremated) and we had decided as a family to wait until his birthday for this. It was a beautiful fall day that my family and some close friends met at the cemetery and laid dad to rest. My mom had a difficult time that day as she filled with emotion. We all had a nice meal and visit at my home after.
October my oldest son and his girlfriend moved into their new home. It was wonderful to see them move forward with their life together. It also brought the final ďcrunchĒ for my daughterís wedding.
November came and to say we were busy was an understatement. I am organized and my daughter is not which can lead to problems. Somehow it all got done and the day came and went. A week later (yesterday)we celebrated my momís 75th birthday at my sonís new home.
I am hoping that this busy past 12 months has now come full circle as I am not sure I can handle another year like it. I have learnt many things this past year but most of all to show those you care about how much you love them as you never know how long they will be in your life.
In memory of my dad Earl Habel 1930-2011 forever in my heart xo
P.S. I finished this blog and realized I didn't even mention that I lost 30 lbs from Feb 2011-June 2011 and have maintained for the last 6 months. Funny how it slipped my mind!