Monday, February 18, 2013
My daughter called yesterday while I was watching her son and asked me to take the call in another room away from him. I did. I asked if there was something wrong. She said yes than,
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I want to call a truce. I don’t even understand what happened the other day (last Monday) when we spoke. We were having a nice conversation and then you brought up the past and all hell broke loose.”
I responded, “I didn’t bring up the past, didn’t even mention it, only said that if you wanted all these favors (monthly support money, weekend summer getaway and big graduation trip next year than what were you planning to put on the table in regard to our relationship. The past is the past, I said. It has already done its damage, and left its marks. I was speaking of the present and future. After all I am no longer willing to help you out or provide nice things for you if all I am going to get is the same abuse from you.”
She replied, “We both say and do things that are wrong. I am not asking for any apologies from you nor am I offering you any. Just simply can we call a time out and try and get along from this point forward. I have a lot going on and I don’t want to be at odds with you too. Would you be willing to try?
I said, “I can do most anything as long as I am not abused or disrepected. That is where I draw the line. The abuse and disrepect has to stop. She said, “Okay, fair enough. I continued, “I don’t expect that either one of us will be perfect right out of the gate. That perhaps we will need to explain ourselves if one of us says or does something that could be construed wrongly so the other doesn’t flip out entirely.” She responded, “That sounds doable.”
End of conversation.
My daughter has said things that have made me stand up and take notice HOWEVER I am now left to wonder …
Has she really given this serious thought and honestly wants something better for her and me?
OR is it just because she is scared of the skin cancer diagnoses and feeling emotional right now?
OR is this just another attempt to gain financial support and/ or favors like she has done before?
I wish I could take her solely at her word but for my daughter to do a 180 turn-around after 15+ years of abuse just makes me question her motives. I guess all I can do is wait and see, cautiously.
Monday, February 18, 2013
The weekend went really well and DH and I had a great time with the grandson. We wore the little guy out with countless hours of Lego, block and Lincoln Log building, hide & seek with Cinnamon our dog, storybooks, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Jake and the Neverland Pirate games, Pin the Tail on the Dragon, Thomas the Train Adventures, Playdoh creations, kid flicks, and more. All in all I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of time with the little guy this past week. Midterm exams for my daughter have been in effect and her boyfriend was working extra hours so things worked in my favor. I enjoyed every moment with him even though there were other factors in play. I put off until now expressing them. I didn’t want to allow these issues to bring me down completely so that it would affect my time with my grandson, although I did allowed myself to cry in private.
My relationship with my daughter I believe has hit an all-time low. To be honest I am not sure how much lower it can get at this rate. I don’t think there is anywhere left for her and I to go. I found out this week that she was diagnosed weeks ago with Basil Cell Skin Cancer on her back, a rather large area in fact. She informed her dad when she went for the biopsy as well as when she received the results. She demanded that he NOT TELL ME. He did tell me eventually BUT only after weeks had pass and with the promise that I NOT say anything to her. This has hit close to home as I was diagnosed with the same cancer on my upper cheek 2 years ago this May. A large chunk of my cheek was removed at that time so I know firsthand what she is feeling at this point (scared) as well as what she will go through procedure wise. Even though Basel cell is most usually benign it is scary nonetheless because of how far and deep it can spread under the skin.
In the last few years my daughter has had visits to the ER for various matters (ovarian cysts, UTI and a broken ankle) in which her dad and I were informed after the fact. Nonetheless she has ALWAYS told us of a medical issue. Now however she is going as far as to inform only her father of such things but NOT ME. Which of course leaves me to seriously wonder where is there left to go concerning our relationship. If she is out and out refusing to tell me of a medical concern as well as to place her dad in a position of hiding information from me than I am really left with no choice but to consider our relationship done. I mean what else is there? I can imagine the defenses she might wish to entertain for doing such a thing but seriously none of them are reasonable. In my opinion there is no excuse under God’s heaven to warrant withholding medical concerns from a parent unless said parent is neglectful, abusive or absent from one’s life which does not in any way describe me.
(insert tears… many)
Frankly, I am tired. Completely worn out, body and heart. Her continued actions and words hurt me so much. 15 years of abusive behavior with no end in sight. I have tried EVERYTHING! Everything I can think of to reason with her, to understand her, to try and figure out WHY she insists on treating me this way. I am not perfect and have never professed to be even close but if there is an all-around guide to being the BEST MOM, I have certainly tried to be as close to that example as I can get. So why does she insist I am NOT a good mother? NOT good enough for her? To her I am some sort of horrid, worthless, evil, crazy person that doesn’t deserve a kind word, or respect even to the smallest degree. I have never used drugs, drank, slept around, neglected, nor abused her in any way, shape or form. I have been there for every hug, kiss, story time, art & craft project, cooking lesson, playground fun, movie, ouchy, illness, social issue, school event, bad dream, tear, girl scout meeting, choir practice, bug bite, smile, church function, sleep-over, birthday party, vacation, conversation, melt down, as well as have supported, and provided her most everything she has desired that her father and I could afford. In the end I did do 3 things wrong and regret them immensely.
I have given her way too much.
I have allowed her to get away with nearly everything.
And I gave up my life (wants, needs and desires) to accommodate hers.
Obviously I realized these things way too late nevertheless none of them I believe are reasons to hate and abuse someone. I have put forth my whole heart and soul into her, my only child and yet she despises me with a passion. I can understand her being spoiled, I can seriously get that but not her utter distaste for me, her mother. I just can’t wrap my head around that no matter how much I try. I am frustrated that I can’t find a solution. She has pushed me so far out of her life, only using me for her son’s care whenever the need arises, and now she won’t even clue me in on her medical issues. Her live-in boyfriend, father, friends and even coworkers can know all about everything but NOT ME. The one person who has cared for her every solitary second of her life as well as throughout every illness and boo boo she has even had. That says A LOT! It says too much in my book. Do I seriously need to be knocked completely out for me to understand she does not want me to be a part of her life… PERIOD
So much pain, heartache, grief and… tears. And the stress is unimaginable.
Friday, February 15, 2013
I received these goodies Wednesday morning, personally hand delivered by the grandson himself. 12 long stem red roses, a balloon, card, candy (of which the little guy asked for a piece - his personal delivery charge LOL) and a $50 gift card to Michael's courtesy of both my husband and grandson. I enjoyed a FABULOUS dinner at Red Lobster with the two of them Wednesday night as well.
Yesterday, Valentine's Day I relaxed in preparation for today... MORE FUN with the DGS and his friend Lucas at the park, play lodge and dinner out. Go Mema Go!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Plans with the grandson were not cancelled this week as I originally felt they would be because it worked in the daughter's favor that her son was otherwise engaged. She has mid-terms this week!
DH and I picked up the little guy Tuesday after school and returned him to his mom yesterday at 6 pm. In the meantime we had FUN! Tuesday we went shopping for Valentine's Day as well as for his cousin's birthday gifts, stopped by Lowes to order a storm door for the front and dishwasher (first of many home upgrades in which our grandson has promoted himself to the position of CEO of Renovations ), dinner, Basketball practice, than home to watch Frankenweenie with milk and cookies, and play with his toys before bath and bed. Yesterday after a favorite breakfast of his consisting of chocolate chip pancakes, cheesy eggs and fresh strawberries we watched cartoons, enjoyed more playtime, as well as a rousing game of chase with our dog Cinnamon. We than took our little Valentine to the Health Adventure for 5 hours (it's a BIG place) and to Red Lobster for an early Valentine's dinner. We picked him up a large box of chocolates for him to give his mom. As for us we gave our daughter a card and $50 to which of course she thanked her dad.
Tomorrow we are picking up the grandson again after school and taking him to a play date at the park with his friend Lucas and afterwards to dinner. Right now, I am seriously appreciating mid terms!
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
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