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Well That Sure Didn't Take Long

Monday, February 18, 2013

For my daughter to show me what her sudden change of heart was all about.

Motive #3
"OR is this just another attempt to gain financial support and/ or favors like she has done before?"

She called yesterday (Monday) asking if I had given anymore thought to giving her $150 a month for a year so she could quit her PT job and focus solely on school. I told her after last week's explosive conversation that I didn't feel the need to. She asked me to seriously reconsider and talk it over with her dad. I told her I would inform her dad of what she wants. So I told him after supper as well as discussed with him how I feel about the situation (not in favor of it). He agreed to it anyway. $150 a month, not a penny more for 1 year. As for me, I now feel I got played once again. By both of them! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYSLIM2 2/25/2013 2:54AM

    emoticon ugh! Hang in there, Sallie. You are not alone. emoticon Family dynamics can be tricky!!

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CAPECODLIGHT 2/20/2013 7:58AM

    So much for you and H being on the same page.

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LKWQUILTER 2/19/2013 10:44AM

    Try not to dwell too much on this and will continue to pray that she stays "nice."

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GOLFGMA 2/18/2013 9:43PM

    We can always pray that this is the time our children grow up. emoticon

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RURAL3 2/18/2013 9:17PM

    I am praying for you Sallie. emoticon

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LINOVER 2/18/2013 8:39PM

    If you think she might not be serious about focusing on school if she doesn't work, why don't you add some conditions to the $150 a month - good grades, a minimum GPA, whatever you think she might actually do? Tell her the money will stop if she doesn't meet your conditions. And put it in writing!!!

Good luck! Hope everything goes well!

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LITTLELENNA 2/18/2013 8:28PM

    Wow! I hope you weren't "played". Hang in there. emoticon

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Grandson Time/ Other Stuff - Part 2

Monday, February 18, 2013

My daughter called yesterday while I was watching her son and asked me to take the call in another room away from him. I did. I asked if there was something wrong. She said yes than,

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I don’t want to be estranged from my mother. I want to call a truce. I don’t even understand what happened the other day (last Monday) when we spoke. We were having a nice conversation and then you brought up the past and all hell broke loose.”

I responded, “I didn’t bring up the past, didn’t even mention it, only said that if you wanted all these favors (monthly support money, weekend summer getaway and big graduation trip next year than what were you planning to put on the table in regard to our relationship. The past is the past, I said. It has already done its damage, and left its marks. I was speaking of the present and future. After all I am no longer willing to help you out or provide nice things for you if all I am going to get is the same abuse from you.”

She replied, “We both say and do things that are wrong. I am not asking for any apologies from you nor am I offering you any. Just simply can we call a time out and try and get along from this point forward. I have a lot going on and I don’t want to be at odds with you too. Would you be willing to try?

I said, “I can do most anything as long as I am not abused or disrepected. That is where I draw the line. The abuse and disrepect has to stop. She said, “Okay, fair enough. I continued, “I don’t expect that either one of us will be perfect right out of the gate. That perhaps we will need to explain ourselves if one of us says or does something that could be construed wrongly so the other doesn’t flip out entirely.” She responded, “That sounds doable.”

End of conversation.

My daughter has said things that have made me stand up and take notice HOWEVER I am now left to wonder …

Has she really given this serious thought and honestly wants something better for her and me?

OR is it just because she is scared of the skin cancer diagnoses and feeling emotional right now?

OR is this just another attempt to gain financial support and/ or favors like she has done before?

I wish I could take her solely at her word but for my daughter to do a 180 turn-around after 15+ years of abuse just makes me question her motives. I guess all I can do is wait and see, cautiously.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IOEINC 2/18/2013 6:44PM

    Good for you Sallie for standing up for yourself!! I think the best advice I can give you is take one day at a time and continue to let your daughter know that you deserve her love and respect. Maybe the simple answer is that your daughter finally grew up and realized after all what a wonderful mother she really has!!


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CAPECODLIGHT 2/18/2013 6:10PM

    Honestly, I don't think you should put any energy into expecting your daughter to apologize. If past behavior is any predictor, she is not going to apologize. Instead, just take that wait and see attitude you wrote about. You and your daughter have a new day, every day, to demonstrate that you can have a non-toxic relationship. And, I agree there may be missteps; and it is best if neither thinks "there she goes again" but communicates/clarifies as you described. Maybe this scare has caused your daughter to finally grow up. i hope so.

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MUFFINSKI 2/18/2013 2:33PM

    I think you handled it perfectly. You are willing to put it behind you, but you refuse to be a doormat. Completely fair of you. Be strong and don't let yourself be bullied.

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LKWQUILTER 2/18/2013 1:38PM

    Sallie, sometimes we just have to take things at face value but I do understand you hesitancy with this circumstances. I am dealing with that with my sister though she is still being "nice" to me. I am still waiting on the other shoe to fall--especially after the way she treated me after mama died. Daddy has been dead 9 mos now and she still "likes" me. Praying that all works out. Be strong. ((HUGS))

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MELMOMOF4 2/18/2013 1:00PM

    gotta start somewhere. good luck and I pray it works out for you and your daughter

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ELSCO55 2/18/2013 11:57AM

    This is a start. Will pray that she eventually apologizes for the past and asks you to forgive her while she proves she is sincere.

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Grandson Time/ Other Stuff

Monday, February 18, 2013

The weekend went really well and DH and I had a great time with the grandson. We wore the little guy out with countless hours of Lego, block and Lincoln Log building, hide & seek with Cinnamon our dog, storybooks, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Jake and the Neverland Pirate games, Pin the Tail on the Dragon, Thomas the Train Adventures, Playdoh creations, kid flicks, and more. All in all I have been fortunate to enjoy a lot of time with the little guy this past week. Midterm exams for my daughter have been in effect and her boyfriend was working extra hours so things worked in my favor. I enjoyed every moment with him even though there were other factors in play. I put off until now expressing them. I didn’t want to allow these issues to bring me down completely so that it would affect my time with my grandson, although I did allowed myself to cry in private.

My relationship with my daughter I believe has hit an all-time low. To be honest I am not sure how much lower it can get at this rate. I don’t think there is anywhere left for her and I to go. I found out this week that she was diagnosed weeks ago with Basil Cell Skin Cancer on her back, a rather large area in fact. She informed her dad when she went for the biopsy as well as when she received the results. She demanded that he NOT TELL ME. He did tell me eventually BUT only after weeks had pass and with the promise that I NOT say anything to her. This has hit close to home as I was diagnosed with the same cancer on my upper cheek 2 years ago this May. A large chunk of my cheek was removed at that time so I know firsthand what she is feeling at this point (scared) as well as what she will go through procedure wise. Even though Basel cell is most usually benign it is scary nonetheless because of how far and deep it can spread under the skin.

In the last few years my daughter has had visits to the ER for various matters (ovarian cysts, UTI and a broken ankle) in which her dad and I were informed after the fact. Nonetheless she has ALWAYS told us of a medical issue. Now however she is going as far as to inform only her father of such things but NOT ME. Which of course leaves me to seriously wonder where is there left to go concerning our relationship. If she is out and out refusing to tell me of a medical concern as well as to place her dad in a position of hiding information from me than I am really left with no choice but to consider our relationship done. I mean what else is there? I can imagine the defenses she might wish to entertain for doing such a thing but seriously none of them are reasonable. In my opinion there is no excuse under God’s heaven to warrant withholding medical concerns from a parent unless said parent is neglectful, abusive or absent from one’s life which does not in any way describe me.

(insert tears… many)

Frankly, I am tired. Completely worn out, body and heart. Her continued actions and words hurt me so much. 15 years of abusive behavior with no end in sight. I have tried EVERYTHING! Everything I can think of to reason with her, to understand her, to try and figure out WHY she insists on treating me this way. I am not perfect and have never professed to be even close but if there is an all-around guide to being the BEST MOM, I have certainly tried to be as close to that example as I can get. So why does she insist I am NOT a good mother? NOT good enough for her? To her I am some sort of horrid, worthless, evil, crazy person that doesn’t deserve a kind word, or respect even to the smallest degree. I have never used drugs, drank, slept around, neglected, nor abused her in any way, shape or form. I have been there for every hug, kiss, story time, art & craft project, cooking lesson, playground fun, movie, ouchy, illness, social issue, school event, bad dream, tear, girl scout meeting, choir practice, bug bite, smile, church function, sleep-over, birthday party, vacation, conversation, melt down, as well as have supported, and provided her most everything she has desired that her father and I could afford. In the end I did do 3 things wrong and regret them immensely.

I have given her way too much.

I have allowed her to get away with nearly everything.

And I gave up my life (wants, needs and desires) to accommodate hers.

Obviously I realized these things way too late nevertheless none of them I believe are reasons to hate and abuse someone. I have put forth my whole heart and soul into her, my only child and yet she despises me with a passion. I can understand her being spoiled, I can seriously get that but not her utter distaste for me, her mother. I just can’t wrap my head around that no matter how much I try. I am frustrated that I can’t find a solution. She has pushed me so far out of her life, only using me for her son’s care whenever the need arises, and now she won’t even clue me in on her medical issues. Her live-in boyfriend, father, friends and even coworkers can know all about everything but NOT ME. The one person who has cared for her every solitary second of her life as well as throughout every illness and boo boo she has even had. That says A LOT! It says too much in my book. Do I seriously need to be knocked completely out for me to understand she does not want me to be a part of her life… PERIOD

So much pain, heartache, grief and… tears. And the stress is unimaginable.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAPECODLIGHT 2/18/2013 6:03PM

    I read your second part first; so by the time I write this there seems to be a thaw in the relationship.
Your husband needs to be on the same team as you. He can't allow his daughter to swear him to secrecy where you are concerned. He should explain this puts him in an untenable situation, and he will not be party to something that he knows will hurt you.
I hope your daughter gets through her cancer treatment with flying colors and uses this time to reflect on what is really important in her life.

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ELSCO55 2/18/2013 11:54AM

    So sorry for your situation. As a skin cancer survivor, I know how important it is to catch it early and to keep family informed. I will pray for your daughter to change her attitude. It is good that she has not excluded you completely from your grandson;s life. emoticon

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FIRECOM 2/18/2013 10:46AM

    Wow. Your blog really touched me. We have 5 sons and a "not so good" relationship with one of them and it can really hurt sometimes. I have learned to just sit back and just keep in touch. Our relationship (his and mine) goes up and down but I just cant worry about it. Fortunately, all five boys would do ANTHING for their mother and that is good enough for me.

I think that, in general, dads will tolerate troublesome relationships better than with moms.

There is a great book that I re-read on such times of personal grief and tension. It was written by the Rev. Schuler and it titled "Tough Times Never Last but Tough People Do". Don't know if it is still in print but it is an incredible read and I suggest it strongly.

And I pray a lot.

Please stay in touch with us. We are all here for you.

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Weigh In and More

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Had a pleasant time with the grandson and his friend Lucas at the park yesterday afternoon. The two of them play very well together. DH and I met his mom too and she is very nice. We enjoyed a nice chat with her while the boys played, and played, and played. emoticon Awww to have that kind of energy again.

After 2 hours of non stop FUN, DH and I took our grandson to Friday's for dinner than back to his mom's before heading home. About 9 last night the daughter calls and asked if I could watch the little guy again tonight from 5 until 11am Sunday as her boyfriend has a surprise Valentine's related outing to take her to. Of course I agreed. 4 days with the grandson in one week, well, I have died and clearly gone to heaven! emoticon

So before more fun begins tonight I have a few projects to finish up with today. At least that is the plan! No weight loss to report for the week even with all the EXTRA activity on top of my regular walking. A bit surprised but won't fret over it. Looking back I'm not sure why nothing came of this week but will continue to march forward and hope next week will end more successfully. Got to emoticon!!!!! No matter what.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RURAL3 2/17/2013 10:08PM

    See, she can be really nice when she needs you. But its only to your benefit. Glad you got to see more of your grandson. emoticon

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LKWQUILTER 2/17/2013 2:34PM

    WTG Sallie. So glad everything went well and you had such fun. ((HUGS))

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LINDA! 2/16/2013 8:35PM

    So happy that you have more time to enjoy your sweet grandson.

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IOEINC 2/16/2013 10:34AM

    So glad to hear that you had such a great time with your grandson and are looking forward to more great times with him tonight!! He loves spending time with his Mema and you are creating such great memories for him!! And I have to agree with everyone here. Don't stress over no weight loss this week!! It will come next week!! Just remember that you are progressing and getting more healthy and that is what counts.

Have a stupendous, spectacular Saturday!!!


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CAPECODLIGHT 2/16/2013 8:10AM

    Enjoy your time with your grandson. Don't worry about no weight loss. We all seem to lose in fits and starts. Just keep at it, and you will see results on the scale as well as the other positive changes that aren't measured on a scale. Have a great weekend!


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BUSYGRANNY5 2/16/2013 8:07AM

    Yeah for you for getting to spend extra time with your grandson... I cherish the time I get with each of my grandbabies!!!

Remember your success is MUCH more than a number on the scale.. if you're consistently doing what you need to be doing to get where you want to be... you are getting results and eventually the scale will catch up with what your body is doing!!

Have a great week-end!

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    Don't stress over the week, especially if you know you did what needed to be done. Even small steps forward will eventually get you to your goal. Have a great weekend with your grandson!!

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BEST Valentine's EVER!

Friday, February 15, 2013

I received these goodies Wednesday morning, personally hand delivered by the grandson himself. 12 long stem red roses, a balloon, card, candy (of which the little guy asked for a piece - his personal delivery charge LOL) and a $50 gift card to Michael's courtesy of both my husband and grandson. I enjoyed a FABULOUS dinner at Red Lobster with the two of them Wednesday night as well. emoticon

Yesterday, Valentine's Day I relaxed in preparation for today... MORE FUN with the DGS and his friend Lucas at the park, play lodge and dinner out. Go Mema Go!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SENIMMO 2/15/2013 11:54PM

    So very happy that things worked out well for you. I read a few of your past blogs, and I have to say I just don't get it. She should be thankful to have helpful parents, the opportunity to get her education, and the ability to work limited hours. Anyway, you had a great visit with your grandson, that's what counts!

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RURAL3 2/15/2013 10:25PM

    sounds like a wonderful day. Your DH was very nice. I pray it continues.

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MTPOETNH 2/15/2013 9:01PM

    Sonds like a very special day for you!! emoticon emoticon

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IOEINC 2/15/2013 8:36AM

    What a wonderful day for you Sallie!! Your grandson really loves his Mema!!He is a very special little guy!!

Have another wonderful day today!!


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LKWQUILTER 2/15/2013 8:00AM

    You won the lottery Sallie!!!! That means more than anything. ((HUGS))

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BUSYGRANNY5 2/15/2013 7:28AM

    Fantastic!!! It sounds like a wonderful day!


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HEALTHYSLIM2 2/15/2013 4:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
No words can express how happy I am for you!

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WANRAS 2/15/2013 1:33AM

    How wonderful that your grandson would show you how much he loves you, along with your husband.

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