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When It Comes To Relationships, You Can Only Change YOU

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Walking On Eggshells by Jane Isay
For Mothers of Difficult Daughters by Charney Herst and Lynette Padwa
Mother and Daughter Duet by Cheri Fuller

It took me awhile to understand and accept the concepts of the books listed above but "GET IT", I finally did. emoticon

I can't change my adult daugther. I am powerless to do that. The only thing I can change is ME. And this is why the main premise of these books is on WHAT I CAN DO to help the relationship. I can only control myself. I have listed a few key points below. I hope with time I can incorporate some if not all of them into the relationship with my daughter. Who knows? There may actually be hope for us yet.

RULES TO LIVE BY
Love myself first.
Break bad habits.
Be honest with myself.
Reduce sarcasm, insults and put downs.
Choose not to be angry.
Let go of the rope on anything I cannot control.
Do what I love.
Embrace my age.
Give back.

LOVING DETACHMENT
Keep my mouth shut.
Mind my own business.
Donít ask questions.
Donít give advice.
Donít defend myself.
Be kind and loving.

ON ADVICE
She doesnít want it.
She doesnít hear it.
She resents it.
Donít give it.

BASIC CONCEPT
Learn to let go.
Try to understand my daughterís needs.
Believe in my daughter even if sheís taking a different path than I wanted for her.
Respect her and set boundaries for myself.
Listening is often the best form of communication.
Take care of myself.
Forgiveness is a powerful key to unlocking my daughterís heart.
Trust God, and trust his love for my daughter.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SABLENESS 3/5/2012 7:58PM

    You're working hard on this, Sallie. Wishing you peace....

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HEALTHYSLIM2 3/5/2012 3:07AM

    Big emoticon to you, Sallie!

You are so awesome. It is easy to see how much you are really willing, open and trying to do your best to change the relationship with your daughter for the better.
And it is great that you get it from the books you've read... that is a huge thing, to "get advice about" something that you feel doesn't feel like a FIT and then stay open and stick with it through to the end with an open mind. Most people aren't willing to do that! Then on the other end you had a good list of the pearls of wisdom!
Awesome job, Sallie. You reminded me today what it is to be a mature and loving mom, and I hope that when my son is all grown I will be as good a mom as you are!
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LKWQUILTER 3/3/2012 2:15PM

    Boy are you talking about me. Over the past 20 years I have learned that I have to let them do their thing (we have 3 adult children) and only offer moral support. Advice is definitely not wanted even if they ask for it. Praying for you Sallie. ((HUGS))

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BRENDABUNNY 3/3/2012 2:07PM

    With me having a daughter just like yours myself Sallie I feel the struggles you go thru..and I myself have bent over backwards to just go with the flow with how my daughter feels and it still doesn't help alot...I think some children such as MY daughter need to learn respect,you get the respect you give and I know we have both tried numerous times to change things and see it their way only to be shot down..So if I am being kind and thoughtful of my daughter and respecting her then I expect the same thing back..If you give respect you should get respect.
With my daughter I think she should be the one finding and reading a book on how much parents/moms only want the best for their children..I was a quite a bit rebellious when I was young against my mom but once I had children of my own it clicked to me how she felt and I have never once disrespected her since then,it was me that needed to grow up and get some respect and most kids do once they are in the same situation themselves.
My daughter is 24 and no kids which is ok because she works and goes to college full time,and kinda isn't the mom type..Lol..so maybe thats a good thing...Everyday of our relationship isn't bad only when she gets on her horse because i'm not doing something the way she thinks it should be done...Thank God she has her own house..LOL..
Anyways I think you are super awesome for reading the books then taking time to reread with a different view,I can tell without a doubt that you love your daughter with all your heart and you just want that in return...I do too...Best of luck my friend BIG BIG Hugs Brenda

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MIZCATHI 3/3/2012 8:29AM

    Wonderful, I am so glad you "get it" and the light bulb went off. One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to embrace is that I am the only one I can change, so there. So I change, and so does my "attitude". Peace.

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PYNETREE 3/3/2012 8:25AM

    If this Mother/Daughter thing wasn't such a twisted dynamic, there wouldn't be so many books about it.

It's hard...we are wired into each others psyche. We see ourselves in them. And it makes their faults, foibles, troubles and mistakes doubly hard to take. emoticon

I wish you strength and patience in navigating this relationship. emoticon

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Today

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Be true to yourself, follow your heart knowing that all is good and that you are magnificent.

Be kind to yourself, knowing you deserve to be loved, cared for and treated with respect.

You are one of a kind. Unique to the world. Beautiful inside and out. Don't allow anyone to tell you different.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TARAFROMTX1 3/1/2012 11:39PM

    Thanks for sharing Sallie!!! emoticon

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LKWQUILTER 3/1/2012 6:40PM

    Thanks for the encouraging blog Sallie. Hope you are having a better day. ((HUGS)) Linda Kay

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MIZCATHI 3/1/2012 5:35PM

    Nice to see you today with such a positive self affirming message!

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HEALTHYSLIM2 3/1/2012 12:52PM

    YES! Thank you Sallie for reminding us all (and hopefully yourself) that we are just who we are supposed to be and that we can count on the fact that God did not make a mistake when He created any of us!!
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RICHILA 3/1/2012 11:27AM

    emoticonLovely Thoughts, Hope you are doing well. Spark On! We Got this!

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Suggestions for Effective Mothering of Daughters

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Looking back at the errors I made to one degree or another in raising my daughter, I came up with some suggestions for Effective Mothering of Daughters. I offer them with hope they will help someone else.

1. Don't expect your daughter to be anything like you. She won't be. She may have some similarities but she is an individual with her own likes, dislikes, wants, needs, desires, views, and decisions to make. She is your child but her own person. Treat her as such from the beginning.

2. Donít do everything for your daughter. As she grows, she needs to become more and more self-sufficient. Prepare her well in all things beginning when she is young then let her take it from there.

3. As hard as it will be to do, let her make mistakes. Don't always rush in to save her. She has to learn how to fall down and get back up on her own, in order to become the strong, confident and empowered woman you want her to be.

4. Don't spoil her. She doesn't need the world handed to her on a silver platter no matter how much she says she does. Encourage her to earn the things she wants by working hard for them.

5. Listen. Donít be in such a hurry to give her your opinion or advice. More often than not she doesnít want it. She just wants to be heard.

6. When you need to put your foot down about something. Keep it down. Donít waver no matter what. She may cry, rant, rave, call you names, and threaten but in the end you will be doing her a service by staying firm.

7. Be a good role model, inside and out. If you have personal issues and/ or inner demons to slay, donít hesitate to deal with them. Give her someone to look up to and be proud of.

8. Donít stop your life. Continue to grow and be all you can be. You are important too.

9. Most of all insist on RESPECT. It's paramount. Donít ever settle for anything less, no matter what.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYSLIM2 2/1/2012 2:32PM

    What an AWESOME blog. Sallie, please be so proud of yourself, for all you are doing to work through this with grace, accountability and determination. You win the Queen for the Day Award!
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The above advice is so terrific. As the mom of a 13 yr old (boy) who is also an only child, I am working hard to try to raise a respectful, loving and successful person. I know so much of what kids learn is what they see... and some of my challenges will become his if I am not mindful. (like, as you know, I need to have a more organized home environment! Before I was a mom, my home was so "zen", now it's so NOT!) There was just so much wisdom in what you wrote here. WOW.
Keep on working on loving yourself and caring for you in the best way you know how. You may not be able to see it yet, but as you do that, the rest IS magically falling into place.
Sending you a huge hug today and wishes for continued progress in all things!
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SAILING2GOAL 1/29/2012 8:53AM

    There is hope! I'm sorry and ashamed to say I may have been like your daughter to my mom many years ago. I was so angry with her for many reasons that I won't get into. But now my mom and I are very close. It took a lot of life experiences for me to see my mom in a different light. So, be patient and don't give up. Just do what you need to do to take care of you!

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TRACYNOTGIVINUP 1/28/2012 11:38PM

    I cant say how this all makes me feel. I thank you for posting it. It hits home on so many levels. Keep thinking positively. Your a wonderful person!

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THETURTLEBEAR 1/28/2012 4:12PM

    That is a FANTASTIC blog! Maybe you should leave it laying around the house to be "accidentally" discovered.

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CELEST 1/28/2012 3:06PM

    I know exactly what you are saying. I went through a messy divorce and my ex ran off with my sons aged 3 & 5. It took me 18 months to track him down and get my kids back. When they were back with me, I spent more time trying to be their friend instead of being their parent and friend later. It did blow up in my face some and I had to reverse the whole business.
I had to just draw a line and start fresh and let them know what the score was. Today they are 26 & 28 and for the most part we are very good friends.

Give yourself time, if you start now and keep on the way you mean....it should get better. They are beautiful to look at.

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SHAYLA24S 1/28/2012 2:52PM

    Reading this reminded me of some trials that I have had with my mom. I too am 25 and I've always been closer with my father. My mother and I always argued, fought, and even went without speaking for almost a year. It took a lot of time but we've finally learned to respect each other and we get along now. Although its not perfect, we still argue occassionally, and probably drive each other crazy more often than not, going through the rough patches were necessary. My point is...eventually, with time, it will get better when you both want it to.

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1CRAZYDOG 1/28/2012 11:06AM

    Wow, this brought me to tears. My DD is 16 and really in the "I hate you" stage. But I DO try to follow those rules you've put down and will continue to do so. Letting go is the hardest job a parent has to do. My 19 yo is leaving for basic training (Army) on March 5th. My heart feels like a black hole when I think about that, but you know, I feel like I've done the best I could (LIKE YOU HAVE! Sure there's things I'd change, but what parent doesn't say that!) and he's going to have to stand on his own two feet.

I hope that your DD comes around. AS a Mother herself, it is surprising she doesn't.

HUGS!

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RURAL3 1/28/2012 10:40AM

    Hindsight is a beautiful thing isn't it? But you can begin at anytime to work on things you need to improve. Yes, you may be hurt in the process but as you said you need to stick to your guns at all cost. You will be better off in the long run when things resolve themselves. And yes, they are beautiful. They surely take after you Sallie.(in that respect) emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 1/28/2012 8:31AM

    So very true! The same hold true for sons... I have 4 and I was single parent and the "mean" one! I did not let them get away with things, didn't have the time or energy! ... Dad was the one that did that. Fast forward to now they are all independent, working, and happy. I still have work to do with the oldest as me ex kept putting him in the middle... sad place to be, but it IS better. Stick to your guns, they will NOT like it, and will be angry, that's ok... they will see the self respect shining through! And will come to appreciate it over time and will learn also that it is worth standing up for.

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MIZCATHI 1/28/2012 8:15AM

    I like this blog so much. Your daughter is beautiful and your Grandson is precious. The power of love is amazing, and self love is like building a mansion for your heart. Keep on building, you will not be sorry.

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JSGETFITNOW 1/28/2012 7:21AM

    Sallie,
My story is very similar to yours; exc, my daughter is 22, 23 in March and lives with me. Not so terribly much on the disrespect side, but more so on the spoiled, entitled side. I am also in the process of trying to figure out how to hold her accountable at this stage of her life, when she basically has been handed every thing on a platter. Not good. Looking forward to hearing about any successes you have in turning this around.

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