CELICABOY84   15,615
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Looking Better= Feeling worse

Thursday, November 08, 2012

This is more on the serious side of my weight journey.
Everybody knows me as the happiest person around. I am the man that anyone, young, old, male, female could turn to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to.
My smile is almost always full force :D and usually have a joke, or some stupid perverted comment for most things that will brighten someones day.
This is, well, WAS me. I am describing myself when I was 5'9 and 305 lbs in April of 2011. Life was grand! Everything I had was more than good enough for me, all the way down to my body. I wore, and by wore I mean stretched out a 4xl shirt and wore 44x30 pants around my hip, and not my waist. I wore XL boxers which still squeezed me a bit. Goodwill and big and tall were where I shopped, as I was growing too big to guarantee walmart would have my size anymore.

I decided to embark on a life changing journey, physically was the intention. I never had a clue about the emotional roller coaster that was in store...

Today I type this to you sitting in a pair of 32x32 pants and a medium button up shirt, wearing size small boxers at 175 lbs. I am a completely different person than I was 1 1/2 years ago. My smile is rare, my friends don't come around much or talk to me a whole lot, and I just don't have the positive outlook I used to.
One may think, well losing weight shouldn't do that to you! Look at everything that's happened. I got married 2 1/2 years to the love of my life while I was huge. My personality was great! Since then I've lost a bunch of weight, gotten a much better job, a nicer car, and have 2 kids. This should be the recipe for the american dream..right?

Upon research I believe I have developed an eating disorder from my bodybuilding stint. It's called Orthorexia, meaning I'm obsessed with eating the perfect amount, of healthy foods only. I plan my meals weeks in advance to hit the perfect calories, carbs, fats and proteins for my muscle gain or fat loss needs.
Since losing my weight I have become rude, arrogant, impatient and almost anything else negative that one could really imagine. My wife and family have noticed that with every passing day I become more aggressive on my stance of opinions, and correcting others in what they do nutritionally wrong unless it's doing my own research to better myself.
I seen to start arguments for no reason other than to start them, I have lost my sex drive and generally feel like I fail at life, because how you treat others IS life, not what you have or do.

I just don;t know what to do anymore. Look on my Facebook at my fat to not fat pictures and see how happy I was, see that smile. Then see me smaller. I'm unhappy, unsatisfied. I look back and wonder if I should say screw it and gain it back. I don't have the money for a counselor or anything similar, but mcdonalds sure does have a dollar menu.

I appreciate all who respond to this whether its here on sparkpeople, or you add me on facebook and comment away. Thanks in advance for all the support.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEELIXNKES 1/22/2013 10:45PM

    I know this is late but if you haven't seen your regular dr and are still feeling this way it might be good to go in for a full physical. With such a dramatic weightloss over the course of a year or more it is very probable that hormones and other numbers are out of whack. It could be a vitamin thing now that you don't have all the body fat storing those fat soluble vitamins. Or is could be a testosterone issue due to the weightloss. As someone who has a spouse with depression and battles my own from time to time, I really hope that you find your smile again as your body sorts itself out to the new normal.

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ANEWME1313 11/19/2012 6:44AM

  I stumbled across your blog and wanted to offer a smile and some encouragement. Life is truly a rollercoaster, with it's ups and downs. As I reflect on my life, I know there were times I went through depression or disassociation.. or whatever term one wants to put on it, not during an obvious time of stress, but when everything appeared as if it should be great. Sometimes I wondered if it wasn't hormonal or just taking the people and my life in general for granted. You've gone through some MAJOR changes and it may be that your body is struggling with the physical changes in ways that cannot be seen, and instead are felt. I feel you have taken the first step through the writing of this blog. You are seeing and acknowledging the change in your personality, what you don't like, and what you wish you felt. Maybe you need to pursue it as you did your weight loss goals. Address your "problem" areas, for example list 1) I want to curb my advice to others to when they ask for it, then decide how you will deal with it when it happens, for example, I will bite my tongue, think the thoughts, take a deep breath, and let it go. As you know from your weight loss success, small steps make a huge difference over time. You are mentally very strong to accomplish what you have thus far. You are strong enough to overcome this and be the person you want to be inside as well as outside.

PS you have such a nice smile.. I hope you find it again.

Comment edited on: 11/19/2012 6:45:46 AM

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NOMORENOMORE 11/8/2012 6:21PM

    You've gone through a life changing process and you are NOT the person you used to be.

You sound very angry. The heart of most anger is sadness. I've been there myself. I got mad at myself for all the years I wasted being fat. I got mad at my mother for the way she raised me. Mad at my children from preventing me from doing the things I wanted to.

I became obsessed with exercise and diet so I wouldn't get fat again. It was all consuming. This replaced what eating had done for me in the past-made me focus on something other than my feelings.

It took alot of therapy for me to lose my anger. I had used food for a long time to hide feelings of shame, fear, sadness and anger.

I can only share what worked for me. emoticon

I congratulate you on your weight loss!

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CELICABOY84 11/8/2012 4:46PM

    Thanks for the advice! :D Will try all suggestions out here and there, see if it starts to help some

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YOGACHEF 11/8/2012 4:28PM

    I don't know much about Orthorexia. Do you think this is the main cause for your unhappiness? I don't think you need to become unhealthy to become happy though. Maybe you can just ease up and worry about being perfect a little less, and just wing it by what you've already learned to be a healthy diet or exercise amount. I know that after a year on the paleo diet I became very mean at dessert places or even Disneyland because I couldn't have churros or cake; so now I just do the diet more in moderation and I'm back to being nicer. I think you can still be happy as well as healthy! Maybe some meditation or reflecting daily on how many blessings you have like your family or car etc, or smiling in the mirror at yourself might help. Anyway, hope you feel better and hope you can resolve happiness and good health!

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How do we deal with people trying to derail us?

Thursday, March 01, 2012

11 months ago I stepped on the scale at a hefty 305 pounds. I knew it was time to change. I started my weight loss journey April 5th 2011. I stand before you now at 178 pounds and working on muscle mass gain now. Along the way I had some VERY unexpected comments, looks etc, here's some of the things I experienced.
My wife constantly telling me to not lose any more weight or I won't look good. My WIFE! I thought of all people in the world she would support my goals. This completely crushed me to hear her say I wouldn't look good if i lost more. I had 40, then 20, then 5 lbs to go.
She eventually had all her coworkers telling me to not shrink anymore. They started telling me to stop. Why?!?! Why can I not lose weight without criticism from others? Why can i not set and achieve a goal without negativity? I did all my weight loss through healthy eating and excersise. I never went balemic or anything stupid like people think I did to lose 130 pounds in 11 months.
I am now happy with my body. I'm wearing size 32 pants and large tee shirts or medium dress shirts. I am down to an easy 9.5 minute mile and lifting heavier than I knew I could.
Why do people tell us to stop? Why are people so against our success? Why are we constantly told to stop when were still overweight and working on it? Why do we get criticized for turning down sweets or unhealthy meals.
How many times have I been told " 1 piece isn't going to kill you." Or "fast food once in a while won't hurt your weight loss". Well you know what, I know my body. I know how I act. If i OK it once ill OK it more than once. I have an addictive personality.
I continue to get slack for going to the gym 5 days a week now. I get told you look so good, you've lost so much. I have new goals. I achieved my weight goal. Nobody is stopping me.
Do you guys get a hard time like this? How do you explain. That its your body to someone ? Is everyone else's journey as heart crushing to have a significant other tell you that "you won't look good to me anymore"?
Now I actually hear complaints that I'm not soft in bed, but all she feels is muscle (butt, shoulders and chest area.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIKIBABY69 3/2/2012 1:36PM

    Congrats on all your success! My guess is that you and your wife may have had some of these habits together (i.e. eating fast food or splurging.) So to her you may abandoning the lifestyle that you two shared which may possibly feel that you are also abandoning her as well. Not that you should give up your new healthy lifestyle choices but you may want to address those things with her. Many times people bond together with lifestyle choices and now that you have changed she may feel that you are almost betraying her and your joint lifestyle. I am not sure if that makes sense of not. Maybe an idea could be to find things that you two still enjoy together (that aren't about fattening food) to bond over. However I have to be honest that I can understand where your wife is coming from as I tend to like guys that are a little bit larger (like a size 36-38 pant size)and if I had a partner who slimmed down a lot I may have a problem still being as attracted to them. I think the same thing if you have a partner who gains a lot of weight. Hopefully though your connection is stronger than that and the attraction is more about the mental and emotional connection and not all about physical. But congrats again on the transformation and the hard work; you're a rock star!! emoticon

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DIVEGODDESS 3/1/2012 11:25PM

    I've had this problem, I've had people say nasty things to me, tell me that I looked better before when I had more curves, I was a fanatic, etc etc.. I think people start to feel threatened, especially the people that are the closest to us. It's not about you. It's obviously bringing up something in your wife, and it's not about you, but how she feels. You would think a significant other would feel proud to have a hot husband or wife but there's more to it than that..

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CHICSHAN004 3/1/2012 10:41PM

    Oftentimes the reality is not what the other person is saying, but what they aren't saying. Finding the truth will bring understanding. Continue to be healthy and a role model for others in your life. You are doing great!

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BJORKFAN 3/1/2012 7:45PM

    It's possible she feels threatened by your new physique? I won't pretend to know what your relationship is like, but my advice would be to try to talk to her about how her comments make you feel, if you haven't already. I know sometimes it's hardest to talk to the ones who are closest to us. I congratulate you on your AMAZING success, and am sure you'll continue on your healthy path as you've already come so very far.

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Man it was a rough night

Thursday, December 08, 2011

So here's the new deal. I was going to the gym 5 times a week. Three times I would do strength training and twice cardio. Finally, after a month or so I convinced my wife to join with me! Yay happy day... well... I thought.
I used to leave for work early and just hit the gym on my way there as I was forced to walk by it anyways, but since my wife joined up I have been going after work now, at 12:15 in the morning. Sigh I'm already tired after work, Ive already commuted 3 hours on a bus to and from, and then I get to come home and get my wife ready for the gym. Usually consists of 30 minutes of arguing before shes finally ready.
Whether she goes or not, I go. Every time. Only difference, I dropped it to 3 times a week, but I do strength AND cardio every time.
Then this week hit. I hurt my back Sunday morning, bad. I'm all cramped up and everything, hurts to walk my 3/4 mile to work, hurts to stand. Luckily I have a desk job, but I missed my Monday gym session and I felt like such a fatty for even missing 1 day. I came down on myself so hard I felt like trash for not going once, even though I couldn't move.
Tonight as I type this I just returned from the gym and just polished off my protein shake. My back is still bad, but its getting better thanks to the priesthoods blessing I received for it as well as some natural muscle relaxers and anti inflammatory.
Going tonight was so hard, my wife told me over and over not to, my back still hurt, everything screamed no. I just couldn't stop thinking of how horrible I felt for skipping Monday though. I wasn't going through that again. I feel great after my workout, (minus the back of course) as I always do. The gym is actually the highlight of my days as I work 7 days a week!
Sorry for the somewhat depressing log everyone, but someone else out there just may be in the same situation hu?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ORGANIC811LFRV 12/8/2011 7:34AM

    Sorry for your hurt back, not fun at all. I would take a look at the emotional toll the issues with your wife going to the gym with you. It may not be worth the struggle. Either get her to truly support the idea without the arguement, or go on your own. Perhaps another plan is in order also.

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Curious about my scale

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Well over the last week I have weighed myself 3 times. My weight was 215 at first (last sunday). I then weighed myself tuesday and it read 210. I then realized I had been reading my scale all wrong.... It really was 210 THEN 205. now on thursday, today, I'm reading it at 203... either Herbalife is STILL rocking my world and I'm eating right and exercising right, or somethings wrong with my poor analog scale that I just bought :( I am going to stick with the positive side though!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLIMBERS_ROCK 10/6/2011 5:36PM

    I doubt it is the scale or the herbalife. If you are eating well and exercising, that is it. emoticon

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Good recipie to try tonight!

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Stir Fry!!!

Ingredients you will need: (based off of our family of 4)

3 full sized carrots (chopped into 1/2 wheels)
a full medium sized onion (chopped whatever size you like)
1 bell pepper, color your choice (copped up)
a handful of snow peas (chopped in half)
a handful of greens beans (chopped in about 1/2 in pieces)
2 cloves of garlic chopped
1 chicken breast (chop as small as you have patience for)
about a cup mabey 1.5 cups of soy sauce
2 cups uncooked brown rice
olive oil (3-4 tbsp)

start off by cooking your brown rice, get that task out of the way.

chop your chicken, and put it all in a bowl. fill bowl to chicken level with soy, cover and let soak in fridge.

Chop the veggies and garlic and place into a bowl and set aside

heat up a wok or pan over medium heat. higher will smoke the olive oil

dump the veggie bowl contents into the pan and stir often until they become the tenderness that YOU prefer (remember they will be cooked about 3-5 minutes more with the chicken, so keep that in mind)

dump chicken/soy sauce in with veggies, and cook, stiring often until chicken is cooked all the way through

remove from head, and serve rice first on a plate, and ladle the stir fry over top, getting as much or as little juices as you want as you do this

serve with a smile, and watch your family love you

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RORYLYONS 10/4/2011 2:46AM

    I must try this it sounds delish... emoticon

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 10/4/2011 2:36AM

  Thanks for sharing .... sounds yummy!

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